Disclaimer: I don't own HP or any of the copyrighted stuff.

A/N: Yeah, this is one of the strange ideas that loco loony minds invent while talking to each other at one o'clock in the morning...

Discovered only hours ago, buried among thousands of mismatched socks that were Dobby the house elf's worldly possessions, this will was found, hidden at Hogwarts itself. It was proven to be Lord Voldemort's own will after testing by the Ministry of Magic, and may actually alter the distribution of the worldly possessions of the Darkest wizard in living memory.

The Last Will and Testament of Lord Voldemort (also called You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and grudgingly known as Thomas Marvolo Riddle)

I, Lord Voldemort, being of sound mind and body (althogh according to many, I am criminally insane), do leave this record to be executed in the unlikely event of my demise.

I doubt seriously that this will shall ever be needed. However, as I have just returned from a state of powerlessness which I would have thought impossible fourteen years ago, I now authorize this testament to take effect should the unthinkable (and nearly impossible) occur.

Firstly, to Bellatrix Lestrange, my greatest and most loyal lieutenant, I leave my wand, my pet snake Nagini, and my favorite cauldron, in which I was resurrected by an ancient Dark Magic potion.

To Rodolphus Lestrange, I leave a tissue.

To Lucius Malfoy, I leave my collection of Dark Arts books, so that he may educate his young son in our ways.

To Narcissa Malfoy, I leave a mirror.

To Severus Snape, loyal Death Eater through many perils, I bequeath the contents of my Gringotts vault and several bottles of shampoo.

To Dolores Umbridge, I leave a locket which will not cast the Imperius Curse on whomever wears it.

To Kreacher the house elf, I leave a bowl of potion.

To Albus Dumbledore, who should be feeling very proud now that he has finally seen me dead, I leave my congratulations and my favorite set of dress robes in an ornate box, which are by no means cursed and will certainly not strangle to death anyone who touches them; and Nagini's friend Liaza the boa constrictor, who would never try to eat your phoenix.

To Remus Lupin, I leave a Wolfsbane potion which definitely doesn't have anything silver in it that might harm a werewolf.

To Sirius Black, who did such a fantastic job of distracting Aurors and Ministry officials who might have otherwise spent their time looking for real Death Eaters, I leave a press-on tattoo of the Dark Mark.

To Peter Pettigrew, also known as Wormtail, I give the silver dagger used in my resurrection ceremony.

To Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, I leave a piece of paper on which I have written the words Avada Kedavra.

To Hermione Granger, filthy Mudblood though she is, I bequeath a fantastic invention called a hairbrush, which she has obviously never heard of.

To Ronald Weasley, I leave a Knut.

To Minerva McGonagall, I leave a litterbox, which is of course filled with litter and not doxy eggs.

To Filius Flitwick, I leave a Gobbledygook dictionary.

To Pomona Sprout, I leave a cutting of Devil's Snare.

To Cornelius Fudge, who has been so helpful in hiding my return from the wizarding public, I leave a blood red bowler cap with the Dark Mark printed on it.

To Alastor Moody, I leave the last Time Turner in Britain, which he will obviously blast apart, believing it is cursed, before realizing that there was nothing wrong with it at all.

To Rubeus Hagrid, I give a perfectly friendly manticore.

To Sibyll Trelawney, I leave a crystal ball which is charmed so that an image of me walks in every half minute and casts the Killing Curse in an attempt to scare her to death.

And lastly, to Augustus Rookwood, who wanted to be mentioned in my will, I bid goodbye.

Should any of those mentioned above die before this will passes into effect, then the things which were bequeathed to them should be put into a pool. The names of the remaining heirs should be placed into a hat, and names should be drawn for each item. No Death Eater should receive any of the items meant for outsiders, nor any other person inherit any item meant for a Death Eater. Imprisonment in Azkaban does not excuse any heir from their obligation to accept their inheritance.

Finally, I wish to remind anyone who might read this will in the future of a few undeniable facts. First, Lord Voldemort is -- or was -- the greatest wizard of all time. Second, he went further along the path to immortality than any other. And thirdly, he will never really be gone, because wizardkind will still fear to speak his name for many, many years to come.

Fondest greetings (or, in some cases, well and carefully chosen curses) to you all,

Tom Marvolo Riddle

I am Lord Voldemort