Forenotes (Important, please read!)
Please read these before continuing!
Reader Discretion
I'm not very good at giving ratings, so these notes will let you decide for yourself if this story is fit for your reading.
My rating: T
Detailed Breakdown:
Bad language: Infrequent, mild.Violence: Description of film's fight scenes.
Sexual Content: Some, comic references.
Other: Mocks film, various celebrities, Lord of the Rings hardcore geeks, and emos, but unlikely to offend.
Update Schedule
These forenotes and the first chapter are in the same post. From then on, one new chapter will be posted every week. However, this may change due to fan feedback.
Other Notes On This Story
This story is aimed at people who thought the Eragon film didn't do the book justice (i.e. most Eragon fans). Therefore, people who thought the film was as good as the book won't find it as funny. Also, I don't have the film on DVD for reference (it'd be a waste of money) so some of the details may be incorrect. For example, I can't remember any of the Galbatorix / Durza scenes, a lot of the visual stuff isn't referenced, and chances are I may have missed out a few minor scenes. In some cases, I've even mixed up what order things came in. Usually this was from film-book confusion. In the book, Eragon uses magic in Yazuac, then later meets Angela and Solembum in Teirm. But in the film, both happen in Yazuac. WTH?
I would like to thank the Eragon message board on for answering my questions about the film. However, I would also like to insult the anti-shurtugal (a group who despise the Eragon books, even though they have read them), like so: you are all very stupid and should stop complaining. The majority of your points raised is just nitpicking because you aren't imaginative enough to think up any decent arguments. You should all shut up and go home to your parents who you still live with. Thank you.
Well, that's the precautionary stuff over with, enjoy the story! This is easily my best, and I'm proud of it!
-Mental
Chapter 1: All Geared Up
Eragon hated that feeling – the feeling he was being watched.
Well, he'd have to deal with it – he was in a public place, after all. The 'numbers' factor didn't help either – he was part of a pack of ten different people. Specifically, Eragon, Arya, Orik, Nasuada, Brom, Angela, Murtagh, Roran, Durza and Galbatorix. A group of people in middle-ages clothing (weapons and all) wasn't exactly something that blended in in a crowded room. Many passers-by craned their necks to look. Some even kept a straight face. A few muttered "Cosplay lunatics" to their friends or to themselves. They then noticed Orik's axe dangling from his belt, gulped, and walked away hurriedly.
Brom, being the first in the line, reached the ticket booth to speak. "Ten tickets for Eragon, please."
The frightfully obese woman behind the counter took a drag on her cigarette, while eyeing up the line. "Ten?" She said, with as much emotion as a living blob of lard can express. "There's only nine of you."
Orik stood on his toes so his head became visible.
"Oh, right," rumbled the woman. "Nine adult tickets and one children's ticket."
If Orik was any taller, she would have noticed his face go bright red.
Everyone set about doing their own thing for ten minutes, as was arranged, then they would group together, check in their tickets and get in their seats, which were all front-row and together. They'd saved up their gold coins for a month to afford it. Okay, Orik did sell off some of the bits from the shattered Isidar Mithrim, but it was all done for the benefit of the group. Orik went straight to the popcorn and pick 'n' mix corner. Arya, Nasuada and Angela grouped together gossiping. Galbatorix was bracing himself for his little job he'd have to pull off inside the screen room. Eragon, Roran and Murtagh stayed together, being relatives. Brom, being the most sensible, made sure he was ready, frequently checking his ticket, memorising the film's start time, and going to the bathroom. Three times. And Durza…well, Durza just stood in the corner looking moody.
"Do you really think there's still hope for book-to-film conversions?" Eragon asked Roran.
Roran looked at Eragon in disbelief. "Of course there's hope. Four words, Eragon – first one 'Lord'…"
"I'm really looking forward to this!" Declared Eragon. "We're going to see our own film! Nothing, absolutely nothing, can upset me today!"
Murtagh smirked and looked at Eragon. "Try this, then – you're my brother and our dad was in the Forsworn!"
Eragon started crying.
Orik returned from his sugar-induced recluse, clutching two super-size popcorn boxes (one salted, one butter) and a bulging pick 'n' mix pack on his belt. Brom walked up to him and held out his hand expectantly.
"Oh, yeah," exclaimed Orik. "You want what's left of what you gave me." He put down his popcorn boxes and handed Brom a single bronze coin, before picking up his treats and waddling into the centre of the room. He waved over at Angela. "Hey, Angela," he yelled to make himself audible. "We're going in in five minutes. Last chance if you want a box!" He nodded at one of the popcorn cartons in his arms.
"No thanks, Orik," replied Angela. "I'm all set." She opened a basket she was holding, showing it was filled with mushrooms.
The room for screen thirteen was filled with people, but thankfully it was almost pitch black, so the group was less of a target for prying eyes. Each took their seats, with Orik taking the longest amount of time, as he had to find places to store all his food. Once they were all comfortable, Brom turned his head to face Galbatorix.
"You ready?"
"Of course I am," replied Galbatorix. "I have infinite strength. I'm the only one who can do this."
"Erm…excuse me," said Durza, turning to Galbatorix. "Can I just ask you…do you have a will?"
Galbatorix frowned. "Yes…why do you ask?"
"Well, I was just wondering," said Durza, fidgeting. "Does it say that if you die, I can have your crown jewels? Y'see, if you can't pull this off, and it – y'know – kills you, then I'd get them, and I always thought they'd fetch a good bit on eBay."
Galbatorix didn't smile. "If you say anything like that again, you'll have to liquidate all your food to eat it."
"Oh, shut up and get on with the spell!" Complained Angela.
Galbatorix sighed, sat back in his seat, and closed his eyes. He muttered some words in the ancient language, and cast the greatest spell of all. Only he could have done it; only he had infinite strength. The spell covered everyone in the room except his group. Now, everyone else would not be able to see or hear them, or anything they caused, and that would definitely be necessary for the next arrival.
Eragon found his mental link with Saphira.
Saphira, it's okay to land now.
I'm right above you, little one.
Saphira came crashing through the roof, and landed in the aisle, right next to Eragon.