I've had such fun writing for the Twilight section that I've decided to make a proper (as proper as you can get with the mind of a 17-year old that's been buried in the gutter for one too many years) story. Be warned; this makes no logical sense. Don't try to make sense of it either. It will just hurt your brain. Thanks to those who I know will review…

Lah.

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There's a fine line between stupidity and the cliché. Join Bella, Edward and Jacob as they walk this line with blatant disregard for the rules of nature, time, space and reality.

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Prelude

Saving Face

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Edward felt as if life had thrown him a curveball that had smacked him in the face, broken his two front teeth and then been called on a foul because he got blood on the home-base mat. Turning Bella had seemed like a good idea; but when one really thought about it, it probably wasn't the smartest road to take in retrospect. It had been a few years since Edward had seen a newborn, so naturally he became a little rusty when it came to how to deal with them. His family had offered their help, yes, but there was one issue that they couldn't help him with.

He had known newborns were freakishly strong, but dealing with one that wanted to jump his bones made things a little more complicated. Oh yes; he'd been cornered more than a few times – much to Jasper's delight. But according to his wife, yelling 'Surprise!' when she jumped him didn't make it rape.

However, Edward Cullen was not one who gave up and ran away with his metaphorical tail between his legs.

"Edward! Bella's here!"

Of course, he couldn't be held responsible for what happened if he found himself under extreme emotional duress.

"Surprise!"

Or Bella, for that matter.