Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter because if I did I would have an Ipod with more gigabytes than four, I'd also have more cd's than I do, but whatever, I'd also be British, but I live in California, so again, whatever.

Damage Control

Sirius locked the bathroom door, both magically and normally, and then turned on the shower. He peeled off his clothes until he was just in his boxer shorts and stepped in too the shower. He took a deep breath and then with a razor blade slit both his wrists and sat down.

He heard a distant voice and knocking on the door, but he was just too tired and his limbs were too heavy to move, so he lay in the shower covered in his own blood before it would wash away down the drain like the rest of his life had since he first stepped foot into Hogwarts and befriended James Potter.

"Sirius!" James huffed, "Sirius what the hell are you doing in there!"

James constantly worried about his best friends and he and their other friend Remus had decided since Sirius had run from home that James would keep a close watch on him since he, meaning Sirius, had already tried to kill himself twice before. Once in fourth year when he jumped off the Astronomy tower, and once in third year when he had slit his wrists in the dorm bathroom, James remembered that one clearly-

Peter had once again been complaining that he was hungry so Remus and James suggested that they all go to the kitchens. They had been keeping an eye on Sirius because he had been depressed, but when he said he didn't want to go they figured that they could leave him alone for an hour or so. When the got back Sirius was no where in sight, but there was light coming from under the bathroom door. James had walked over and forced it open with magic and gagged at the strong coppery smell of blood that came at him. He fought the urge to throw-up and peered into the bathroom. There was Sirius unconscious in a puddle of his own blood. James vomited. Lily came running up because she had heard the door being forced open and Remus grabbed her and told her to get McGonagall because it was an emergency. Lily ran as fast as she could and came back what seemed like seconds later with their Head of House behind her. McGonagall demanded to know what was going when she smelled blood. She walked over to the bathroom and gasped then she called professor Dumbledore. The next week went by in a blur, most of it was spent waiting for Sirius to wake up, then when he woke up there was a lot of yelling by James and Remus about how stupid he could be, then they made him promise he would never do it again, that only lasted about a year.

James once again had to force a bathroom door open and was once again greeted by Sirius unconscious and bleeding to death after slitting his wrists. James gagged as he pulled the other boy from the tub, wrapped bandages around his wrists and then he ran to contact his mother, who was a nurse. She came as fast as she could and closed the gashes, re-bandaged his wrists and then gave him a potion that would help replenish his blood supply. Mrs. Potter and James then moved him into James bed and walked out.

"Give this to him in two hours," she said handing him a potion bottle, "I'll be back as soon as I can, and I'll call your father and see if he can get off work. He should be unconscious for a while so you won't have to worry about him waking up and doing something stupid, alright?"

James nodded, "I'm gonna flu Remus and Peter, is that okay?"

She nodded then left. James walked down to the fireplace, threw in some green powder and yelled out Remus' name.

"REMUS!"

"James? Where are you?"

"Look in the fireplace."

Remus looked up and the moment he saw James' face he knew something was wrong, "What happened James?"

James sighed, "Sirius happened Rem."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"He's at it again."

Confusion spread across Remus' face and he waited for James to explain further.

When James didn't he said, "What's he at again James?"

"Oh, right. He um….he tried to kill himself again."

"That's not funny James."

"I'm not joking. He locked himself in the bathroom and bled all over the shower!"

Remus frowned, they had been worried about Sirius ever since he had run away from home that summer, "I'll be right there James."

"Alright," James said then pulled his head out of the fire and waited for Remus before he called Peter.

"Mom, Dad, I'm going to James' place for a bit."

"Why?" Remus' mother asked walking into the sitting room where he was.

"Going to visit him and Peter and Sirius, because he….." Remus stopped letting the sentence hang.

His father walked in and stood behind his mother, "Because he what son?" he asked wondering what Remus had been about to say.

Remus hesitated, he wasn't quite sure how to tell his overly kind, and sensitive parent's that one of his friends was beat by his own parent's and that he was suicidal. So he just blurted it out, "Because Sirius is hurt."

"Oh, how did he get hurt?" his mother asked kindly.

"He um…." Remus pondered for a minute how to say this and decided it was just best to blurt it out, "he tried to kill himself." He said quickly

His mother dropped the glass she had been holding and gasped, "Why would he do such a thing!? How could his parent's let him do that?"

"He ran away from home at the beginning of summer, his parent's abused him, and this isn't the first time he's tried to kill himself."

Remus' mother gasped and tried not to cry, "That's awful."

Remus just nodded and said, "So it's okay if I go then?"

"Sure, but why don't you let us go with you."

Remus nodded his consent and with his parent's went through the fireplace to Potter Manor where they fell on the carpet unceremoniously in front of James. Remus looked up, "Hey James."

"Hey Remus, Mr. and Mrs. Lupin, my dad should be home soon. I've just got to call Peter."

Several minutes later Peter stood in the hall with his parents, the Lupins, and James and his father. James was left to explain everything and then lead his two friends up to his room where Sirius was asleep.

"So exactly what happened?" Peter asked still not quite clear on the events of the day.

James sighed, "Padfoot tried to kill himself again."

"Because he ran away?" Peter asked

"Sort of," Remus began to explain, "he's depressed, he needs help, and I guess we thought we were enough for him, but we weren't. He thought he needed an out." Remus said as they walked into the room Sirius was in.

It was dark and James could hear his friend's faint breathing. He opened the curtains and looked at Sirius, he was pale and James hated to see him like this, he wished he could help Sirius more, but knew that the only thing he could do was be there when the other boy woke, which would be soon hopeful. In the meantime though, he turned to talk to Remus and Peter about how they could help him when he woke up.

Sirius' world was black and he couldn't see anything, but he could hear voices in the distance, even if he couldn't make out what they were saying. So he let his mind wander, 'Am I dead?' he asked nothing in particular, 'No,' he thought, 'if this was death it wouldn't hurt so damn much. Another failed attempt I guess. Suppose I should try to keep my promises to James and Remus. Better try to wake up before they decided to lock me away for the rest of my life.'

Sirius groaned as he struggled to open his eyes and winced when he succeeded because the sunlight was so bright.

"It must be a record, three hours." He heard James drawl sarcastically.

Sirius groaned again, now they were going to lecture him on his stupidity.

"What were you thinking?" James asked sitting next to him on the bed. He was followed closely by Remus and Peter.

"Nothing," Sirius said aggravated at being interrogated.

"This is serious!" He was starting to yell, "You could have died!"

"Well yeah James, that was kind of the point! I didn't slit my wrists just for the heck of it!"

James winced at his harsh words and he could hear Mrs. Potter choke down a sob outside the door, but he just couldn't bring himself to care. It wasn't fair that he was still alive.

'So much for third times the charm.' He thought sarcastically to himself.

James glared at him, it was obvious that he was concerned and angry at Sirius for his complete stupidity, "How could you say such an awful thing!?"

Sirius shrugged, "Really James, you want the truth?"

"Of course I want the truth," he said as if Sirius was a moron for even asking

Sirius took a deep breath, "Just remember James, the truth hurts."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that it's not a pretty truth James, I'm tired," James started to open his mouth but Sirius cut him off, "I'm tired of everything, it hurts too much."

Remus spoke this time, "We're your friends Sirius, let us help you through this, just give us a chance."

Sirius watched Remus plead and James and Peter nod their heads in agreement, "I'm not sure you can help me Remy."

"Why not?" James asked beating Remus to the punch

Sirius looked away out the window, "Because, I don't think you could ever understand. You guys all have parent's who would die for you, mine were more likely to use me as a shield or a test subject than die for me."

James looked enraged by this, "We'll, we're you family now." He started to say with conviction. Sirius cut him off, "James, we can say that all we want, but my parents will always be Orion and Agrona Black, and their perfect son will always be Regulus. Although no matter what I get everything unless I die first."

James and Remus looked at each other, "Please don't say that's why you were trying to kill yourself."

Sirius looked disgusted, "Hell no, I'd never kill myself for them."

"Good," Mrs. Potter said walking into the room, "because you are staying here, and you are going to a therapist."

Sirius didn't argue, because he knew better than to argue with Maia Potter, "It's kind of ironic that your names translates to mother." He said smiling at her. It wasn't a full smile, but James, Remus, Peter, and Maia Potter all knew it was the start of the road to recovery.

His Therapist, Doctor Harrison, sat down in the chair opposite Sirius with his clipboard in hand. He briefly looked at Sirius' information before saying, "So, Mr. Black, what brings you here today?" with a big fraud smile on his face.

Sirius stared at him blankly before replying, "Its Sirius, Mr. Black was my father."

"Was," Dr. Harrison said, sounding slightly interested, rather than his previous bored tone of voice, "did he die?"

Sirius snorted, "No, and I'm going to take a wild guess here and say that you expected me to be another whiny rich kid who really has no problems, right?"

Dr. Harrison looked taken back, before admitting it, "Yes, actually I was. The eldest child to Orion and Agrona Black would be expected of something like that."

"Here's the deal Doc, my wonderful parents," Sirius spoke the word 'wonderful' with so much sarcasm you could choke on it, and spat out the word 'parents' with so much venom it would kill a giant in seconds, "have so kindly disowned me."

Dr. Harrison tried to discretely write that down on his papers, but Sirius knew exactly what he was doing, before saying, "So that's why you're here," like he had just had an epiphany.

Sirius shook his head sadly, "No, that's not why I'm here."

The Doctor looked crestfallen, "Oh, then why are you here?"

"I tried to kill myself," Sirius said as if this was something everybody did.

"WHAT!?" Dr. Harrison yelled at the top of his lungs causing Sirius to flinch, "Maia didn't tell me that! I don't deal with suicides, you should be in an insane asylum strapped to a bed so you can't hurt yourself…or anyone else," he added as an after thought.

Sirius waited until his soon to be ex-therapist was done yelling before saying anything, "Are you quite done now?" he waited until Dr. Harrison nodded, "Good, cause here's the deal, you don't know me, you don't know why I did it, and you certainly don't know me, so I feel that you actually need to try to treat me otherwise you are a failure at your job. You want me to go home to mom and tell her that?"

Dr. Harrison looked confused, "Mom?"

"I call Mrs. Potter, Mom; she's more of a mother to me than mine was."

"Oh, no, I wouldn't want to let down Maia without a fair fight, so let's go, why did you try to kill yourself Sirius?"

"To be honest, I'm not sure, mostly I was just tired." He said with a sigh as he leaned back in his chair

Dr. Harrison watched the grey eyed boy lean back, something about the way he sat and stared out the window as he said this made him look sad. He waited until he knew that Sirius was done talking before he said anything else, "Why not try starting at the beginning."

Sirius turned his haunting gaze to look at Dr. Harrison, "Which beginning, it feels like there are too many, I've probably lost half of them by now."

Dr. Harrison stared at the boys face and noted his aristocratic features, on most men they would seem feminine, but on him they actually looked good. This boy was turning out to be a very interesting patient, probably the most interesting one he'd ever have in his career, "Sirius, just start at the first beginning and you'll end up covering the others from there."

Sirius took a deep breathe and returned his gaze to the window, "I always liked the rain, the way it seemed to purify everything around it. I never got to play outside in the rain when I was little though, I got loaded in silk and satin clothes, expensive presents that I never cared about, because people were sucking up to my parent's. A bunch of parents wanted to betroth their daughters to me. None of them were 'good' enough. You know something else, I met all of those girls at school, and they were all pretty nice girls, although they all ended up in Slytherin. I was the perfect pure-blood son until the moment I decided to talk to James Potter on the train, well, I was perfect on the outside, and if I had really wanted to, I could have convinced the hat to put me in Slytherin, but after talking to James, I didn't want to anymore. I just got tired of pretending. I guess I get tired of things a lot."

Sirius paused to catch his breath, he had a far away look in his eyes, "How much longer to we have?"

"We have fifteen minutes," Dr. Harrison said looking at the clock on his desk.

"Should I continue talking?" Sirius looked at the Doctor who nodded, "My life changed forever that day, and there is no way I can say it was for better or worse definitely, but I like to think it was for the better, I probably would have died by now if I hadn't followed the path that I chose to follow. I like to have fun, have friends, be with anyone I want to be with, if I had stayed with my family, I couldn't do any of that, they would have sucked out any individuality I had, and I would have died, I have no doubts about that."

Dr. Harrison looked puzzled, "Well, after surviving all of that, why try to kill yourself?"

Sirius looked up at the Doctor surprised that he had even thought of that, "If you let me keep going I think I might be able to get to that point, there's just a lot and it might work better for both of us if I keep it in order."

The doctor nodded, "Alright, but you only have a few minutes left."

"The first day of lessons, I got a howler from my mother calling me all sorts of terrible things, most kids would be devastated, but for some reason I just couldn't care. Maybe it was because I had real friends, people who liked me for me and not my status and power. It really doesn't matter now, but that one howler started a long harsh chain of abuse, every Christmas and summer break, eventually I wasn't allowed home for Christmas and ended up at James' house or at school alone, one year I tricked my friends into leaving me at school alone. I didn't want to overstay my welcome at the Potters, since they were the only ones comfortable with me hanging around. Remus' parent's known too much about my family and don't like them and Peter's parent's are afraid of my family."

Sirius looked at the clock in the room, "So I guess we're out of time now." He commented with a smirk.

Dr. Harrison looked surprised; he had been riveted by the black haired boy's story, "Yes, your times up. Now, I'm going to continue with your story next week, but we're also going to set aside some time because I think it would be healthy for you to see what this has done to your friends and surrogate family. So you get extra time next week. I'll inform Maia."

Sirius faked a pout, "You don't trust me to tell her? I promise I will."

The Doctor almost bought it, almost, "Nice try, but not going to happen, I can tell you'd rather not be here longer than an hour, but that sucks for you."

Sirius frowned deeply, it would have been hideous on most other peoples faces, but on him it just increased the aristocracy of his features, "Fine, I'll be leaving now." He got up and walked into the waiting room to meet with Mrs. Potter followed by Dr. Harrison.

Maia Potter smiled at Sirius as he walked out, "Sirius dear, go wait outside for a minute please?" she watched him nod and walk out the door and past the window to wait for her in the rain. She then looked at the doctor, "So, how's it going?"

He sighed, "You didn't tell me he was a suicide, you didn't tell me he was abused, he needs more help than I can get him Maia. I'm not qualified for this; his problems go way to deep for just therapy."

"Well I don't think having him relive all the bad stuff through Occlumency is a better option, do you?" she asked heatedly.

"No, so I think having his close friends, James, Remus, Peter, and Lily, I believe you said were there names, come in and have them all say how this makes them feel. I'm not trying to put pressure on him; I just want him to see how his actions affect others, and I want his friends to try and see how he feels, and how they can help him. It's all apart of the healing process."

She nodded, "That sounds reasonable, so same time next week?"

"He gets an extra couple of hours because I think this particular boy needs extra time, it takes a while to coax his story out of him so it would work better with more time."

Maia Potter nodded, thanked Dr. Harrison, paid him and walked out into the rain, raising her umbrella to keep it off.

She walked up and stood next to a soaking wet Sirius, "Was it really that bad?" she asked watching him as he stared at the floor.

He moved his foot, which caused him to look nervous, "I just never like to talk about that stuff. I don't like to remember it, and I really don't like to think about my family, because we all know it's true, blood is really thicker than water." He turned his gaze away from his feet and up to her green eyes. Green connected with grey and she felt his pain, Mrs. Potter finally understood why Sirius was trying to end his life, and he was right, the truth hurt.

Mrs. Potter slung her arm over his wet shoulder and pulled him into a hug of sorts, "C'mon, let's go home."

He nodded and they began the trek back to the Potter's mansion silently in the summer rain shower.

They entered the house and 'Mother' Potter sent Sirius upstairs to take a shower and change out of his soaking wet clothes. James, Remus, Lily, and Peter were all playing Quidditch out back. She wasn't sure how much longer she wanted them out there, so she went to the door and yelled for them to wrap up the game and get inside, them Maia went to make them all hot chocolate, because who doesn't like hot chocolate?

The next week was spent just relaxing and avoiding any conversation about what the kids had deemed as Sirius' 'issue'. Sirius himself would sit outside on the porch in the rain, Mrs. Potter had to guess that he was crying and didn't want anyone to know, so she didn't say anything.

When the week was up they all trudged out the front door and headed into town, Mrs. Potter and Lily in the front chatting animatedly, with James, Remus, and Peter in the middle discussing school and quidditch, and Sirius bringing up the rear as if he was headed to his own funeral.

They arrived and were all pulled into Dr. Harrison's office and out of the waiting room. Dr. Harrison sat them down in seat that sat in a semi-circle, then he sat across from them all and smiled looking at all of them; then stopping on Sirius, "Hello all, I'm Dr. Harrison, would you all mind introducing yourselves? I mean I already know Sirius, but I don't know the rest of you."

Lily smiled and took it upon herself to point and introducing everyone starting with herself, "I'm Lily Evans; this is James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew, it's very nice to meet you Dr. Harrison."

Dr. Harrison smiled, "It's very nice to meet you all too, so shall we get started?" he smiled at Sirius again. Sirius glared back relentlessly, it was obvious that he didn't want to be there.

Everyone nodded, "Alright, we're all going to write letters about how certain actions made us feel and read them to each other. I know this sounds silly, but hopefully it will help you all understand each others reasoning and actions." They all got what events he was hinting at and agreed.

Dr. Harrison handed them each a stack of parchment, a quill and an ink well, along with something solid to write on. For the next few minutes all that could be heard in the room was the scratching of quills. The doctor gave them a half-an-hour and then asked if they were all done. When they all said yes he asked who would like to go first, Lily volunteered since no on else did.

"Thank you Ms. Evans, I appreciate your bravery in going first."

Lily stood up and cleared her throat, "Even though I know it wasn't said directly, I realize that this letter was meant to be written to Sirius about his 'issue' as we've deemed it. I won't promise to understand your reasoning," She said looking at him, "because I never will. I know that you haven't had the best family life, but it doesn't matter if blood is thicker than water.

"A wise friend of mine told me that your friends are the family you choose, and you chose us, and as far as I'm concerned we are your blood. The way I see it, we all keep each other going through the bad, and even if you don't want us to catch you when you fall down the stairs, we always will. Sirius, it really hurts me to know that you're hurting," Lily chocked back some tears before continuing, "but you're one of my best friends, you're like my brother and I love you. I just don't get why you would want to do something like that, because it's not just yourself that you're hurting, it's all of us too. "God when James called me to tell me it felt like my heart had just fallen to the floor and I was stuck in a pit of quick sand. I couldn't breath, my lungs were on fire, I felt like I was going to pass out, and it's because I love you.

"The entire time I've known you, you've thrown your family to the wind and you never gave a damn about how they treated you, you always did what you felt was right, from defending your friends against your family, to cursing Bellatrix because she said something mean about me, the price you would pay for it later never mattered to you, and it never mattered to me, until the price became you life and then it got scary. I worried that they would kill you once they found out that you inherited everything no matter what unless you were dead, but I never thought that you would give them what they wanted and kill yourself. I really hope it isn't wrong of me to say it's selfish, because it really is selfish of you to take away a friendship that means so much to me. I love you and I always will."

Lily smiled sadly and sat down waiting for someone to say something.

Before Dr. Harrison could ask James stood up and took his turn thinking that if he waited he wouldn't be able to do it. James looked directly at Sirius and nowhere else the entire time he spoke, "I hate it that you fell you need to die in order to be better. I can't stand that you still think of them as you family, and I don't think I will ever understand why you do. I just don't get why every year, summer and Christmas, you went crawling back there like an injured puppy only to crawl away again after being kicked. I know you don't want to hear this, I know you are one hundred percent right when you say that the truth hurts, but I think you need to hear this, they love Regulus, they don't love you, I doubt they ever had, he's their child, you were there heir, their future and somewhere down the line instead of making you who they wanted you to be, in their eyes they broke you. They've let you go, but we haven't, we aren't ready to yet. I will not let you drown in you own misery. They may not care, but I do, they may not love you, but you are my brother, they may wish you were dead, but I never will, and they may never want you for who you are, but I always will. Sirius," James said taking in a deep breath and closing his eyes, "you are my brother, blood or not, and I still need you, more importantly though, I still want you around."

No one said anything for a few minutes, unable to speak after Lily, and especially James' speeches, Dr. Harrison broke the silence, "Well, does anyone want something to drink, I think it's about tea time anyways." He stood up and started putting tea together.

Lily, Remus, and Peter stood and walked over to the window to chat feeling the need to stand up. James continued to stare at Sirius willing him to make eye contact, or even look at him. When Sirius refused James stood and moved over to the chair right nest to the other boy.

"Sirius, I'm sorry." He said trying to prompt his grey-eyed friend to speak.

Sirius shook his head, "No you aren't. If you were sorry then everything you said would be a lie and I wouldn't be hurting this much. Please James, don't apologize just to make me feel better about something that can never change, I'm not a child."

James looked slightly shocked as the Doctor handed them each a cup of tea. He watched as Sirius chugged his hot tea and put the cup down, James was probably the only person in the world who knew that Sirius wasn't particularly fond of tea, but that years of lessons in manners from his mother taught him to drink it quickly without being bothered by the taste or looking rude, or in her words 'vulgar'. James couldn't do that, he didn't like tea, but he had to struggle through it by using lots of sugar and milk.

They drank their tea quickly not wanting to waste too much time, and when they went back to the session James went back to his original seat pondering who would go next, what Sirius had meant, and if this was really going to help his friend.

"Who wants to go now?" Dr. Harrison asked smiling

Peter raised his hand and when Dr. Harrison gave him the okay he stood and began, "Sirius, you know I don't have many friends, and I really look up to you guys, and I worry about you. I feel bad because I wish I was like James and Remus and could help you better, but I can't. I remember the first time we met and I was scared of you because of your name, I know I've never had to deal with that stuff before, and I think I would be to afraid if I was in your shoes to even stand up to my family. I would never be able to put up with the pain I know you put up with, but don't you think that they've dragged you though the mud enough, don't you think that it's time it all stops? Don't you think it's time you stop dragging yourself through the mud for them. You're one of the strongest people that I know; please don't give up after you've gone through all of that, who else would have the guts to tutor me in potions then?"

James watched as a small smile played on Sirius' lips after that last line.

Remus stood up and started speaking then, "Guess it's my turn then, we do have to save the best for last after all.

"Padfoot, my friend, my brother in 'arms', and my fellow marauder, don't you think it's time you let them go, moved on with your life? I'm not saying that you need to forget, because I don't think that would be wise. For a while I couldn't see how you could ever see yourself as having it harder than me, with my condition and all, but now I do. My parent's love me more than anything, they gave up theirs lives for me, and you, I know there were some many times that you almost gave in just to have some form of affection from your parent's. I can't imagine how hard that could possibly be, and to be honest, I don't think I ever want to know.

"In my life there have been so many times where I have just sat down and said no more and stopped and given up, and then I would see you with a black eye, or a bloody nose, or split lip, and seeing you go on would somehow just make me get up, like my consciences was telling me that if you could do it after the way your family treated you then why couldn't I fight against my condition which was a subconscious thing that no one could control, a freak of nature, while what you went through was a decision that your parents made knowing the repercussions and damage it would cause. I wonder what it would be like today if they had accepted you, but that choice helped make you into the wonderful person you are today. Don't let what they've done hurt you so bad that you have to kill yourself to escape the pain. Just," Remus paused for a moment and took a deep breath, "…just keep living even if it is to spite them, to show them that what they say and do still doesn't affect you, do it to show them that you're life never revolved around making them happy, to show them that you're bigger than their petty ideals, and do it because we love you and we want you to stay alive for a very long time. We'd miss you to much if you were gone, and the marauders wouldn't be the same without you." Remus smiled and then sat back down letting out a breath that he didn't realize he had been holding.

Dr. Harrison had been sensing the tension building up in Sirius since Lily had first read her letter, it was so thick in the air at this point that you would have had to cut it with a meat clever, that is to say that if tension could be cut out of thin air. He turned in his seat to his patient, "It's your turn Sirius. Take your time."

Sirius gave the doctor a look that was so dirty, that if looks could kill Dr. Harrison would be in a coffin twelve feet under. The black haired boy stood up and as he read he stared at the paper, because he was pouring out his heart and soul to them at this moment in time, "Lily, I thank you for not pretending that you know what I've been through, Peter, thanks for making me feel needed, Remus, thank you for reminding me that others have struggles besides my self, and James, thank you most of all for saying the things most others are afraid to say, for stating what needs to be heard by me from someone I know cares and not putting a curtain over the entire picture that you paint and shielding me from the ugly things, I really appreciate it, all of you.

"But there are some things that you need to know, whether or not you understand them. All of you are my family, you're a part of me, of who I am today, but you need to remember that the hideous people that I call blood are also my family, no matter what I, or they do, it will always be that way," he looked up at this point, "…and in a way, they saved my life. I know you don't get that, so let me explain before you look at me like I need to be locked up in St. Mungo's psych ward, they did not have to let me live. I know I was really badly hurt when I got to your house James, but the thing is, in that state I never would have made it out the front door, they could have stopped me by just touching me, but I made it and that tells me something. I know now they may have changed their minds, but then, the last thing they will ever do for me is what's important to me. I will never be able to remember the good in my parents because I never saw it, I was like a prize for my mother to flaunt in her sister's face, she used me to show her that she was better than her own sister because not only had she married Orion Black, future patriarch of the black family, but she also had the heir to the black family legacy. My father was the same way he used me to piss my uncle off, I think that's partially why Bellatrix turned out the way she did, he wanted a son, and he got another daughter. He wanted to have the heir, he didn't.

"I've been so mistreated, and I don't feel any desire to have a pity party because of it, the way I see it, there is no time for self-pity, but you need to have time to feel the pain, to remember what you went through it all for, otherwise it's worthless. I know I hurt you guys when I do stupid things like that, and I do a lot of stupid things, mostly because I'm not afraid of the consequences, there is nothing anyone can do to me at this point that compares to the torture I have already been through in my life, there's so much, and I just never want to relive it again," he closed his eyes trying to hold back tears, because Blacks don't cry, and he was still a Black, "I have night-terrors constantly about my past, and some nights I just don't sleep anymore because I'm scared to relive my life in my dreams. It's not something I want to face, and I don't think I have the courage too.

"There are so many times when I think I'm holding you guys back, dragging you down and I just want to separate myself and not have friends, but I'd die without you guys. I can have the most horrendous night-terror, and never want to wake up, and I'll lie in bed thinking I won't make it through the day because the memory just hurts so much, and then I'll remember you guys and I know I can make it.

"I just get so tired of everything, pretending nothing is wrong with my life, dragging you guys down to my pit of self loathing, but mostly I just get tired of existing when I'm really not happy.

"It feels like I'm trapped at sea in a storm and I'll never find my way out, like I'm drowning in the water and I can't find up, and I hate it, but I just can't do anything about it. No matter how hard I try to look on the brightside of things, I just can't. It's like every time I get close to the surface I get turned upside down and backwards again, and it's just not fair. I have to fight just to make myself live, and why should I when I really don't want to? I'm not who everyone thinks I am! I mean yeah, that's me, but not the true me, I'm really this messed up, abused, unwanted, outcast kid who knows all to well what it's like to have his parent's hate him. I did it because I was sick of life, I still am, and to make it worse I don't know how to fix myself, so if any of you know a better way to fix me besides the masochism of me torturing myself by reliving my entire life please tell me, because I cannot deal with this." He stopped and took several deep trying to stop tears from coming down his cheeks and failing.

His friends and therapist stood their in shock, and Mrs. Potter, who had been listening in due to the request of Dr. Harrison, was sobbing on the desk.

James watched as Sirius turned away from them, ashamed, to look out the window. He wouldn't have his best friend, his brother, feeling ashamed of his feelings, or what he had just said. James stood with purpose and walked over to Sirius, Lily quickly following him catching on to what James was doing. James crouched in front of his friend while Lily sat on the arm of Sirius' chair and put a hand on his shoulder. James made Sirius look at him as he said, "Sirius, please don't feel embarrassed to share your emotions, or to open up to us. We're your friends and I promise that we will never make fun of you."

Sirius shook his head and swiped at his tears like a small child, "Blacks don't cry."

James knew by this point that everything Sirius parent's had beaten into him, aside from their prejudices, would never changed. He had known that since third year when Sirius had apologized after James had punched him. Only Sirius would apologize for being hit and it made James sad that he would always be that way, even if he didn't deserve it.

James knew now that he was going to have to protect Sirius, not because Sirius couldn't protect himself, but because Sirius wasn't going to be doing much of that because he was too busy drowning right now to handle battling anyone.

James realized that The Marauders and Lily were in for a very rough year.