Only Open Your Eyes

I don't own the characters or the song lyrics…they belong to S.E. Hinton and Blue October…Amazing…

XXX

How am I supposed to breathe?

I try to relax. I touch your still frame.

So I can watch you closer

And study the ways I believe I believe I belong to you.

I couldn't sleep so I sat up and lit a cigarette. I looked down at you a little envious of your ability to go right out and sleep soundly through the night.

The light coming through my window from the streetlamp on the corner shone in just enough to light up your features. Your pale hair fell over your forehead and framed your head on the pillow like a halo. Your skin is so smooth. Your mouth turned up in a slight smile and I wonder if you're dreaming.

Asleep you could be an angel. Yeah…

I scratch at your waistline…your doll hair.

I dig up the thought of how your eyes glow.

I put out my smoke and lay back down next to you on my side. Your arm is over your head and the sheet is down by your waist.

Gently, I reach over and trace the thick scar that runs down your ribcage. I put that there a long time ago. If I could undo that moment I would. My scar on you.

I reach up and push your hair back out of your eyes. Those cold eyes that look at the world with the anger we both hold. I wish they were looking at me right now. Piercing through me. But I don't want to wake my sleeping beauty.

So I make you my religion, my collision, my escape goat.

It's only at night, alone in the dark that I can admit that I'm in love with you. I can't tell you or anyone else. I can't say it out loud. I wish we could be more. I wish I could show you. But the only thing I can give you is a place to sleep. A place to hide. Some shelter. In this world we can only be friends.

Can you pretend I'm amazing?

I can pretend I'm amazing…

Instead of what we both know.

I lay back down and close my eyes and try to sleep.

Then I am standing over you. You're quietly sleeping but it's unnatural. Still a halo around your head. You're really an angel now.

No! This can't be real. You can't be gone.

I reach down and touch your hair, your smooth skin. I rest my hand on your folded ones. So cold.

I'm alone here with you. You and me and the sickly, sweet smell of flowers.

Why didn't you come to me that night? I could have sheltered you. Maybe if I said the words you wouldn't have felt so alone. Maybe I should have told you.

You see I've made you into something more delicious,

My sweet ghost…

Why can't we be back in my bed? You sleeping, me smoking. Soaking you in. I want to be back there with you. Open your eyes and let me tell you.

Open your eyes…

"Open your eyes, Shepard. Wake the fuck up."

I gasp and my eyes snap open. "What the fuck?"

"Having a wet dream there, Shepard?" Burton sneered.

I got off my bunk, shaking off the sleep and the dream and lighting a cigarette. "Fuck off, Burton."

I looked at the clock. Hour and a half till dinner. Two months and 12 days till I'm out of the joint.

I sat back on my bunk and closed my eyes and smoked, still feeling the effects of that dream. It felt so real. Maybe because it was real. It was just memories. The good and the bad. All the things I wouldn't or couldn't admit.

You're gone but I can always find you when I sleep. If only you'd open your eyes.

Can you pretend I'm amazing?

Xxx