Disclaimer: It's Paramounts, not mine. Sadly.

Warning: This is pure, unadultarated crack-fic. I'm sorry.

This Star Trek CrackFic is brought to you by: Vulcan's Secret: Sexy lingerie for the Vulcan on the go.

When traveling at Warp 9 things may get a tad uncomfortable. Whether Klingon or Borg; Human or Q, we at Vulcan's Secret will provide you with just the right kind of undergarment to keep you cool, comfortable, fashionable, and most importantly, wedgie-free in any type of uniform. We don't want you showing signs of the emotion of embarrassment, now do we? ;D

We find our loyal first officer, Spock, and our trusty Doctor McCoy in the sick bay discussing the chart of an ensign who came in complaining of massive stomach cramps and shortness of breath, and was diagnosed with what the doctor likes to call, "Red Shirt Syndrome." The major indicators of this syndrome, common among ensigns aboard the Enterprise are large stomach ulcers and frequent asthma attacks, both brought on by severe stress. The men had finished their conversation and began making notes on their papers for their respective reports, when Spock piped up with an odd declaration, "Doctor, there seems to be a large grouping of my undergarments lodged into my buttocks.

Would there happen to be an antidote for this?" Doctor McCoy could hardly contain himself from falling over dead from all of the hilarity of Spock's request.

"Hold on Spock, let me go get the tongs." He told the Vulcan, still giggling to himself.

Puzzled by the doctor's reaction to what he thought was a logical question and the slight human fear instilled by the way McCoy had said, "let me go get the tongs", Spock began to analyze the situation. 'What might the tongs be for? Is there a hypo for this type of thing? Is it caused by the radiation from Rigel 3?' Spock wondered to himself.

Doctor McCoy re-entered the sick bay with a medical case full of things. "All of that will be used to cure this, doctor?" Spock inquired.

"I can only hope as much, Spock, but it shouldn't take all too long." With that, McCoy instructed the half-Vulcan to get on the table, lying on his stomach, and allow him to go to work. With each passing minute the half-human began to grow un-admittedly worried about the situation, finding no logic in the procedure taking so long.

After a long silence, except for the clanging for medical tools, McCoy cleared his throat and declared, "I'm...sorry, Spock. It looks like we'll have to amputate your ass."

At the sound of that Spock got infuriated "NO. NO, DOCTOR! THERE MUST BE ANOTHER LOGICAL ALTERNITAVE! NOT MY BUTTOCKS, IT'S SO ADORABLE!" A single tear managed it's way from the man's eye.

McCoy walked over to Spock, who had now jumped up from his face-down position on the table, and was now standing, facing the wall and hiding his face. The doctor rested a hand on the soldier of his patient for a second or so and walked out of he room. "Works every time!" he remarked to Nurse Chapel, who had been standing just outside of the doorway the whole time, and was now almost floored from quiet laughter.

Meanwhile on the bridge, Uhura picked up on the ruckus going down in the sick bay, tapped in, and after only seconds of listening decided to broadcast it over the intercom on the bridge by "accident."

Captain Kirk, who decided to enjoy a nice hot latte (with extra whip cream) while on the trek at warp 8 to Omicron 5, heard the news of the amputation and muttered angrily to himself, "You leave that ass alone, McCoy, or it's to the brig with you!" Uhura and Sulu looked at each other and giggled at what the Captain had said. After taking a sip of his latte, Kirk realized it was just a joke and a clever ruse to get Spock to show some emotion, and spit his latte and whip cream all over the back of poor ensign Chekhov and laughed for almost ten minutes.

After that day Kirk could not look at Spock's ass the same way again. Sure, the longing was there, but he giggled too much, and feared he would give himself away. He also didn't make Chekhov say "nuclear wessels" for at least two weeks. Okay, week and a half. He caved.

From then on Spock decided to stray away from any help that Dr. McCoy offered him while having an evil smirk on his face. He never did quite figure out what made him have such discomfort, but McCoy sure wasn't going to let him live it down. Ever. He also switched to the Vulcan's Secret brand of undergarments. They're wedgie-free, you know?

'Humans are such strange creatures.' The alien remarked to himself, as he had done time and time before.

Fin

A/N: Ahaha, again, I'm so sorry for this. I hope at least someone gets a laugh out of this. I got the idea randomly one day while talking about Spock with a friend. I can't remember what that conversation was, exactly, but well, this is the result. xD