konpeitou: Don't get me wrong, I love yaoi as much as the next fangirl. But it personally gets tiring to read things where not just one or two characters are made to be gay, but pretty much everyone else is too. Usually all for the main character, even. My friend and I have dubbed this occurrence Happy Gayland. I've sadly even read published manga that does the same thing (no wonder they gave it away for free at conventions). This is just something we thought would be funny and so wrote for my own entertainment. Shared for the entertainment of any others who aren't big on the Happy Gayland phenomena. Enjoy, or not, but telling me what you think would be awesome.
Contrary to popular belief, the number one loudest most hyperactive ninja in all of Konoha was not a morning person. He did not like getting up at the unholy hour of dawn to be bright and chipper with the sun. Nor was he ready and alert once he did finally pry his eyes open to face the glaring light that shone through the window and burned through his lids until he had no choice but to finally accept wakefulness – he would not call it defeat, because of course he couldn't be defeated! – instead he tossed and turned and overall tried very hard to remain asleep as long as possible. When something interrupted this natural morning ritual, though, he was understandably confused. Succumbing much faster than usual to the undesired state known as consciousness, one blue eye cracked open lazily to try and find the disturbance of his morning sleep-in.
It took a minute, which was filled with much muddled confusion, before the sudden realization of a body half resting over his own and a shock of black hair on his pillow threw him from a rickety start into full blown awareness in a heartbeat. Screaming – a ninja such as he certainly didn't screech like a banshee, of course not – he scrambled awkwardly, limbs flailing and finally falling inelegantly off his own bed with his legs still tangled in the bed sheets, night cap falling forgotten to the floor in the mishap.
"BASTARD!! What the hell are you doing here? Why are you in my bed? What the… why the… WAKE UP BASTARD!!" Naruto screamed at the other body still occupying his bed – a body he was quite sure wasn't supposed to be there – and panted with the force of his shock while he waited for a response.
One dark eye opened lazily for a moment before closing. "What are you screaming at, dobe? Get back in bed."
"Back in bed? Are you insane? Has that snake-bastard replaced your brain with a peanut while you were gone? What the fuck are you doing back here? Last I checked you were quite happy with his royal snakiness. More importantly, WHY ARE YOU IN MY BED?!" Even as his voice rose to a yell once more by the end of his outburst, the missing-nin known as Sasuke merely sighed and shifted to prop himself up on one arm and lean towards the edge where the blonde lay sprawled.
"Yes, back in bed. No I am not insane. I will not deign to answer that, and I came to see you. No, I'm not staying but anyone would want a break from the Sound Four and their constant orgies," he paused, as though caught on some memory and then frowned in distaste, "I already answered the last one, I'm here because I came to see you dobe, now stop being an idiot and get back up here."
"Hell no!" He snapped back, then added almost as an afterthought. "I'm not an idiot!"
Sasuke just smirked. Naruto growled back.
"I couldn't very well let my brother get to you first, now could I?" Naruto blinked at this question, confused enough for the moment to forget his anger at waking up with his ex-teamamte in his bed. Sasuke shifted on the bed until he was lying across it with his face hanging over the edge closest to Naruto. "He always goes after what I want, so I couldn't just sit back and let him take you from me. You're mine, dobe. He can't have you."
"The hell! Back off bastard!" once again the blonde scrambled away futilely "Now I know that snake did something to you. You're on crack. Or insane. Something! ACK! Get off me!"
"I like it here, stop being difficult," the young Uchiha mumbled from where he crawled off the bed and onto the stunned blonde's lap. The twisted sheets revealed enough to show that he wasn't wearing any type of shirt. Naruto didn't want to know more than that. "You have to admit we have a bond, Naruto. Why are you fighting it."
"It's called rivalry, jackass. What the hell are you talking about?"
"That's not true. I love you."
Now, at this point Naruto's keen ninja instincts warned him that it might be prudent to get the hell out of dodge of maniac ex-teammates with a penchant for attempting to kill oneself, so following these rather prudent urges Naruto screamed as he punched the deranged teen squarely in the jaw. Using such distractions to his advantage, he promptly tripped over himself trying to get out of the tangled sheets before jumping out the bedroom window into the bright morning light beyond. It wasn't until he had hopped rooftops halfway across the village that the dull ache in the soles of his feet made him stop, panting heavily and finally noticing that he was running around in his pj's.
Well…. shit.
He couldn't go back home for his clothes, his possessed best friend was occupying his bed and he really didn't relish the thought of returning to the freakish experience. He paused, looking around to get his bearings, and realized with a start that he ran almost all the way to the Hyuuga compound. Going there to ask for some spare clothes certainly wouldn't go over well… aha! Blue eyes caught sight of Neji walking leisurely down the street away from the clan holdings. Without much of a choice, he hopped a few more roofs and back down to the street in front of the white-eyed teen.
"Neji!" he blurted out urgently, words falling out in a rush, "Look man, I know we aren't the best of friends but I need your help. You're never going to believe this but when I woke up this morning Sasuke was back and in my bed and spouting some crazy shit about running away from Sound orgies and coming to steal me away from his brother because he's in love with me I dunno what kind of – "
"What!?" Neji yelled, stopping Naruto mid-rant as he paused to marvel at the rare occurrence of Neji actually raising his voice. The white eyes narrowed in a glare and the blonde shifted uncomfortably, "How dare he!"
"Uhh… Neji?"
"How dare he come back and try to claim you," the other youth snarled.
"Neji…" Naruto risked waving his hand in front of the other boy's face to get his attention. Furious blank eyes turned back on him and the blonde took a step back reflexively. "Neji?"
"You're mine. That Sasuke has no right to leave, to hurt you, and then to come back like he has any right to you. You belong to me, don't you Naruto?"
"What the – ? No!"
"Admit it, you know it's true. That's why you came to me first, isn't it?" Neji steadily advanced towards the confused boy, who took equal steps backwards to stay away. "It's because you know we're meant for each other."
"Are you feeling okay Neji? Because this sounds like Sasuke right now…"
"I'm nothing like him!" white irises blazed in anger, "I would never hurt you Naruto. We're destined to be together. Can't you feel it? Can't you see it? You have better eyes than me, Naruto. Such wonderful, beautiful blue eyes…. Naruto…"
Once more heeding instincts, Naruto quickly turned tail and ran like the wind as fast as he could, ignoring both the pain of his bare feet and the desperate calls from Neji to come back to him. So intent was he on running and watching for pursuit that he ran smack into something large and broad, yet was soft enough to actually send him springing back on his rear rather than just a painful tumble back. Swearing under his breath, when Naruto finally glanced up while rubbing his sore face his obstacle revealed itself to be the intractable form of Chouji.
"Chouji!" Naruto screamed, scrambling to his feet and tossing his arms around the large teen who was sure to be his savior. "Chouji, you have to help me! People have gone crazy! First Sasuke and then Neji and it's so creepy and you have to help me!"
The wide berthed ninja stared in blank confusion to this statement, hands frozen in place with one holding a bag of chips and the other paused halfway to delivering such a chip to the currently open mouth. A few moments later the large teen seemed to shake himself out of his stupor and the chip finished its journey quickly.
"I'll buy you lunch if you help me!" the blonde blurted out, desperate enough for some help to risk the entire contents of his poor frog wallet just to get some sense back into his life. Geez, the sun was barely up! It was too early for this crap! But apparently it wasn't, because the broad gleeful smile that suddenly split Chouji's face left Naruto suddenly disturbed and he backed away a step.
"Wai!!" the other man cheered, suddenly crushing the smaller one in an enthusiastic bear hug, "I love you Naruto, just tell me what you need."
These words, though, set Naruto still for the brief instant it took to register and then he was flailing widely, surprising his much larger friend into letting him go and bolted down the street again with a strangled cry of absolute gibberish. Chouji stood behind, bag of chips held loosely by his side, staring in bewilderment after the raving blonde.
Naruto didn't stop his headlong rush until he found himself coming entirely too fast upon a flagpole and, rather than just evading like a good ninja should, he skidded to an abrupt halt which was unfortunately not quite quick enough and he slammed face-first into it anyway. Falling back on his rear, rubbing his face and muttering obscenities, he did however notice that the flagpole he ran into was the one outside the Yamanaka flower shop. Now, Naruto knew perfectly well that Ino wasn't overly fond of him – was really quite a mean and violent girl, actually – and that it wasn't particularly wise to seek her help, especially with anything concerning Sasuke. On the other hand, he was also quite desperate and in his panic it seemed quite logical to go to a girl for help when all the guys seemed possessed. At the moment he was a lot more scared of them than he was of Ino's temper.
So, with that seemingly-logical rationale in mind, Naruto scrambled to his feet, burst through the front doors of the shop running past the elder Yamanaka pair with a backward wave as he rushed up the stairs. All of this was well and good, if a little strange, but when the blonde boy threw open the target girl's bedroom door without so much as a by-you-leave things started to take a turn for the worse, for even one so clueless as Naruto should surely know better than to burst into a girl's bedroom uninvited!
This all occurred to him rather belatedly, as he stood frozen in the doorway with one hand still on the knob and the mouth that had opened to ask for help now gaping like a beached fish at what he found awaiting him in the room. There, lying across the lavender bedspread was not only the target girl herself, but of all things her supposed rival and his own teammate Sakura. It wasn't them being in the same room that was such a shock – they had been friends before, after all – and it wasn't even that they weren't yelling and insulting each other, it was the simple fact that girls were lying together in a more than friendly manner. Last Naruto heard, friends didn't rub against each other, reaching their hands into each other's clothes and moaning.
The kissing was a bit of a giveaway, too.
After a moment the girls stopped what they were doing and turned to look at him in dumbfounded surprise, finally noticing his presence. It was at that moment, as the surprised looks shifted into righteous wrath, that his mouth remembered how to vocalize thoughts.
"AHHHH!!" Naruto screamed, releasing the doorknob to fling his arm up over his eyes. "Topless Ino! I did NOT need to see that!" He turned, fled back down the stairs not even caring about the vases that barely missed his head as he ran, muttering forlornly about the end of the world when girls couldn't even be counted on to be normal girls.
With the image of the half-naked girls he had grown up with burning his eyes – though normally a straight boy like himself would love to see such a thing, Naruto swore he was not a pervert like Jiraiya and he was really hitting his limit for "weird" today – he ran aimlessly through the village with a wary eye for ambushers. Apparently there was no help to be had, so it was time to conceive a new plan.
Hide!
It was brilliant, of course! Ninjas were trained at stealth, it would be no problem to hide and weather out the storm until people realized that there were other people whose pants they'd like to get into besides his own. But where…. Aha! He had crossed far enough he was near the bathhouse. It was big, and public, and in Naruto's mind that should equal safety. Unfortunately, no one was there to point out to him that when running from rabid men infatuated with him, going into a bathhouse where his only company would be other naked men wasn't the most brilliant of strategies. None of this occurred to Naruto as he stripped, washed himself, and wrapped a small towel around his waist before heading out to the pool.
The blonde almost screamed and ran back out in nothing but that little towel when he saw Shikamaru lounging in the pool, arms draped over the stone edge with his head tilted back and staring up at the sky – presumably cloud watching. Fortunately while washing, Naruto had managed to convince himself that he had been hallucinating, or at the very least overreacting, and thus had calmed the paranoia enough to be able to join Shikamaru in the pool without turning tail and running. He was almost to the pool's stone edge when the other teen turned his head enough to cast one lazy sloe eye at the blonde. Naruto froze as the gaze checked the length of him before Shikamaru settled back again with a sigh, one which Naruto unconsciously echoed.
"Not that I really care, but something bothering you Naruto? You look like a fox with a hound on his tail." The blonde stopped his slow progress yet again, a single step from entering the steaming water, as horrified imaginings of Shikamaru suddenly turning on him rampaged through his mind.
"Ne, Shikamaru…" he began tentatively, whilst preparing himself to run like the wind at a moment's notice. "You're not in love with me, are you?"
"What?!" This got Shikamaru's full attention as he lifted his head and stared incredulously at the blonde. "Of course not!"
"Oh good." Naruto sighed, reassured by this proper reaction to such an absurd question, and stepped one foot into the pool. He had only gotten as deep as mid-calf when his companion spoke again.
"I do, however, consider you quite attractive. You're just a bit too active for my tastes, I'd go more for someone a little less… overzealous. But," one dark eye stared at Naruto, paralyzed at the edge of the pool, "for something casual, that's a whole other story…"
Naruto couldn't help it, he screeched at the disturbingly inviting look and in his mad flail to run away he slipped instead and landed fully in the pool, sending water splashing everywhere. Cries of indignation met his ears when he resurfaced, spluttering and flailing.
"What was that for Naruto? You should be more careful!" Naruto stopped, blinked in pure dumbfounded surprise at the voice and turned to see Lee sitting on the other side of the pool. When the hell did he get there?!
"Like I said, too energetic." Shikamaru drawled, and the blonde snapped his head over to the other boy's direction so fast water flew from his hair and splashed the two, to which they muttered complaints. Then back to Lee as he countered.
"That's not true Shikamaru, there's no such thing as too energetic. It is simply Naruto's spirit of youth set free!"
"Whatever, I am perfectly content to exercise my spirit in repose, thank you very much. You should try it once in a while."
"You do not understand the joy of living each moment to the fullest, savoring every sweet moment to it's utmost. You have no spirit, Shikamaru!"
"I have a lazy spirit, there's a difference." Here he sighed, and Naruto was beginning to get dizzy from snapping his head about to follow the ping-ponging conversation.
"You should be more like Naruto, his youthful spirit desirable to all those who AAH!!" Lee's speech was cut short as the topic of his little monologue splashed awkwardly in his hasty floundering to get out of the pool, leaving the other two sputtering from the spray of hot water as Naruto scrambled over the stone edge and ran as fast as he could on the wet ground for the exit. He barely had the sense to grab his clothes and hastily dress over his still-damp body as he retreated, because even the word "desirable" used in reference to him was enough to send him packing after this day.
He stopped, dripping, on the bridge outside the bathhouse that crossed the small stream. On the other side was the path that led to the Forest of Death, and with his luck he was seriously debating the safety of his hide if he went there. But, when it boiled down to it Naruto would rather face the forest than his friends, so he started off at a brisk trot for the gates, which were unlocked now that there weren't any examinations going on.
"Naruto! What are you doing here?" He froze at the voice, not wanting to turn towards it and feeling his neck crawl at the gaze pointed his way. What the hell, not even seven trees deep and I run into someone again! The quiet sound of crushed leaves approached him and he finally turned to face Kiba and Akamaru. He was honestly surprised to see Shino leaning against a tree not far behind Kiba.
"Hi guys, didn't expect to see you here. Sorry to interrupt so I'll just be on my way kaythanksbye!" He started to rush away only to have his sleeve snatched at and holding him in place. Dammit.
"Hey hey, what's the rush?" Kiba asked with a small laugh, "What're you doing out here?"
"Nothing!" Naruto yelped, tearing his arm free from the hold on it and taking a step back. "Well no, not really nothing because I can't say everyone being crazy is nothing but it has nothing to do with you and I'm sure you're busy so I'll just continue on my merry way and leave you alone."
"It's all right," Kiba told him, circling the blonde and eyeing him in a way that reminded him suspiciously like a shark. "You should stay, join us." Without waiting for an answer, he proceeded to shuffle Naruto forward bodily to where Shino was still against the tree, face hidden behind his coat and glasses. "Right Shino?"
Unsurprisingly, the quiet boy stayed silent and only moved his head in a way that seemed like he was looking at Naruto. The blonde moved to take a step back, excuse himself and run, but found Kiba's chest blocking his way.
"I should give you fleas," Shino murmured finally, drawing Naruto's attention back to the shiny round glasses.
"E-excuse me? What'd I do?" he demanded. It wasn't his fault Kiba dragged him over to disturb his tree-lounging time or whatever he was doing.
"Aww, don't be like that!" Kiba answered playfully, and as he draped an arm over Naruto's shoulders the blonde realized that the comment wasn't actually aimed at himself. Well, dog… fleas… I guess that makes sense… maybe.
"Really, I should be going…"
"You love Naruto more than me," Shino's bland accusation cut off Naruto's attempted escape and shocked a squeak out of him to boot. The arm around his shoulders thwarted his renewed attempt to escape.
"That's not true, I thought maybe he could join us," Kiba smirked and pulled Naruto a little closer.
"Ack! Get off me!!"
"Can't you just feel it? The animal magnetism…"
"I'm not an animal!" Naruto objected, grabbing at the arm around him and squirming his way free of the hold.
"But you smell like one…" Kiba protested, and for a moment Naruto wondered if he could somehow sense the demon fox, because he certainly didn't think he was anything like an animal otherwise. But it didn't matter, Shino reached out and Kiba allowed himself to be pulled into an embrace.
"Don't forget about me just because he's here," Shino complained dryly.
The sight of Kiba then leaning into Shino and pinning him to the tree as the pair proceeded to trade saliva made Naruto yelp and run right back out of the forest again before Kiba could try again to pull him into some sort of threesome.
Was no place safe? He kept running, unsure of whether he should stick to the shadows since he'd be harder to find or the main streets so he'd be harder to ambush, and so just ran. He was really running out of ideas for where he could go. Then it occurred to him:
Iruka's!
Surely Iruka wouldn't be in love with him, he'd been an older brother figure for years! But he didn't live far from Naruto, so by heading there he ran the risk of running into Sasuke, who he blamed for starting this horribly screwed up day anyway. But finding no other options, Naruto turned and ran toward his old teacher's place.
"Iruka-sensei! HELP ME!" he screamed upon arrival, bursting into the room uninvited and had a strange sense of déjà vu at what he saw.
"Why hello there Naruto," Kakashi greeted with a wave from where he lay on the couch.
With Iruka.
Naruto spluttered unintelligibly and just pointed at the couple.
"How do you even know each other?!" he demanded, unable to really come up with anything else. He honestly didn't even think his two teachers even knew each other, let alone well enough to cuddle up and discuss Icha Icha books.
The two older men looked at each other for a moment, but when Iruka opened his mouth to explain Naruto decided he really just didn't want to know. So he covered his ears and ran screaming from the apartment that there was no place like home.
But then he remembered that Sasuke in his bed at home was what started this whole mess, or so he liked to believe since there really wasn't any logical explanation for any of it.
A familiar girl's voice laughing and asking "Should I kiss it and make it better?" made him pause in his aimless run and he skidded to a halt by the third training ground to see Hinata lying on the ground pinned beneath TenTen, who had one of the smaller girl's arms pinned and was still chuckling.
Naruto stopped, stared, blinked a few times and then threw his arms up in the air.
"What? Don't tell me you two are going at it too! Gah! The world is fucking insane!" So saying, he turned and kept running.
The two girls looked back at each other in bafflement and TenTen, seeing the blush covering Hinata's face, burst out laughing again.
When he ran into Gaara – quite literally, he ran into a sudden wall of sand – he couldn't bring himself to really be surprised. The world was crazy, why not have someone from another country show up, too? Sure, that was just peachy. Who else did he know that could pop up? He debated this from where he lay flat on his back from where he fell, staring at the clouds. But then a dark shape blotted out the clouds and two green eyes just blinked at him.
"Why are you even here?" Naruto asked tiredly, for the moment lacking both energy and the will to get up. He didn't really expect an answer, and so was rather surprised when the head above him cocked to the side and an answer was indeed given.
"I wanted to see you," Gaara said simply, standing back up as Naruto levered himself warily into a sitting position. "You're… like me. We're similar. I wanted to see you."
"Yeah sure. Right. Okay then," he muttered while standing up, brushing dirt off his pants and carefully avoiding eye contact. Who knows, it might provoke more attention or something if he looked straight on. "But right now I'm trying to find my way back to the land of reality so please take a number on the crazy train and come back tomorrow." Naruto then turned and sprinted away.
"Don't say it!" Naruto snapped warningly a few blocks later when he spotted Sai before the natural born irritant could utter a word. Sai just frowned and spoke anyway.
"Naruto, I have a sketch I wanted to show you," he said, pulling out a scroll from his hip pouch. Naruto slowed and approached cautiously, like the thing might jump out and bite him. A rather valid precaution, he thought, since Sai's art generally did take on a life of its own.
"What is it?" Naruto asked hesitantly and got the feeling that he really didn't want to know.
He was right.
Sai smiled his fake smile and held the open scroll wide for display. Naruto yelped and lunged forward to rip the offending paper from the pale boy's hands and proceeded to rip it to pieces, looking around to make sure that no one else had seen it. Several people were starting and he felt embarrassment warring with his anger.
"You didn't like it?" Sai asked, confused.
"Hell no! What the hell are you doing drawing pictures of me?" Naruto demanded, still tearing up the little shreds of paper until the ground was littered with confetti.
"You're my muse!" the artist told him with another fake-smile.
"I don't care! Why would you possibly want to draw me naked?!" he demanded again, the image still burned into his eyes and making him more and more embarrassed.
"Because you're my muse," Sai repeated, now looking puzzled that his explanation wasn't seeming to explain his reasoning very well. "I was even nice and gave you a penis, though I don't think you have one, but if you show me I can get it right next time."
"NO!!" Naruto screeched, backing away and placing his hands protectively over himself when Sai made a grab at his pants to get a personal look. "You're not getting in my pants! And neither is anyone else for that matter so you all can just back off and leave me alone! And don't draw me naked!!" he turned and stormed away, muttering about the rampant perversion taking over the world.
So after spending a few hours hiding in a cupboard in the Academy, Naruto realized by the decreasing light that it was almost evening. The thought of someone else catching him at night wasn't a pleasant one, given the circumstances, so he cautiously crawled out and started to make his way home with as much stealth as he could muster, mentally swearing to himself the whole time that if Sasuke was still in his bed he'd just give up on the whole rescue thing and kill the jackass outright. Sadly, he had to actually break into his own apartment since he had left the door locked when he'd run out the window, and he really didn't want to foray into his bedroom just yet so he broke in through the kitchen window instead. Oh yeah, great ninja skills there.
He honestly debated leaving after all when he heard noises from his bedroom, but curious as he was Naruto just had to go look. The sight that greeted him made him groan and cringe and stirred up a strong desire to gouge out his own eyes. Seeing Sasuke in his bed was bad enough, really, but he really couldn't imagine what he could have done to deserve having his brain branded with the memory of Sasuke having sex in his bed with the brother he supposedly hated. It was just wrong. So many levels of wrong. They didn't seem to notice him, though, which was a small blessing and with a quiet grumble Naruto snatched up his blanket from the floor and walked out again. To hell with this.
He made his way quickly up to the Hokage monument and nestled into a niche of the Fourth's spikes, wondering why the hell he hadn't thought of hiding there in the first place. Maybe if he had he wouldn't have had everyone he knew after his ass all day.
::But it's such a delectable ass:: a new voice rumbled in dark amusement. Naruto groaned and slammed his head against the stone once.
"Oh shut up, I don't need this shit from you too, Furball."
::It doesn't really matter, none of them can touch you:: Kyuubi commented smugly.
Against his better judgment, Naruto asked why.
::Because you're already mine, of course. I got in you first::
Naruto shuddered at the imagery and banged his head on the stones again, pulling the blanket tighter about himself.
"Shut up and leave me alone. I'm going to go to sleep and the world better damned well make sense again when I wake up or I'm liable to kill someone. Seriously, what am I? The whore of Konoha?"
Kyuubi began to comment, but Naruto vehemently ignored him and resolved to sleep. Spirits help anyone who tried to crawl into his blanket this time, they'd find themselves having a long drop and sudden stop at the bottom of the mountain for the attempt.
konpeitou: Yes, it was short and face-paced and simple.. not my usual writing style but it was intended that way.