A/N: That's right bitches, its finaly here! You guys, I am so, so sorry for taking such a long ass time to update, I've had to spend all my time practicing this monologue for a drama festival I almost but didn't win. In any case it's over now and my updates should be coming along more regularly. Also it would be really fantastic if you would Reviewthis instead of waiting for me to show up on you doorstep with a machete and forcing you to, and no promises I wouldn't take your head off any way, I've started collecting (watch out Ginger Kids!). Anyhoo, on with the show, or story or whatever the fuck, typical cussing warnings apply.

Taming the Loner

Chapter 9

Albus Dumbledore awoke bright and early at 6:00am as usual every morning, even on Saturday. He changed into his gym clothes and put in his Richard Simmons aerobics dvd. He liked to make sure he tight buns and abs, you never know when it might come in handy wink, wink. During the week days after his work out ended and 7:00, Dumbledore would go straight down to breakfast determined to eat at the same time as the students so that they may think, "hey, if old Dumbledore can make it down here on time, so can I," however he had realized quite some time ago that his presence didn't have the effect he so desired.

Today was different. Today was Saturday and hardly anyone, even teachers, was at breakfast at 7:00. Most teachers were awake however. McGonagall, Sprout, and Flitwick probably hadn't even gone to sleep after going out on the town at 1:00 this morning. They thought Dumbledore had no idea but he did, though it wasn't his business what they did so long as Severus wasn't involved, after all they were full grown adults. Severus was always awake as well, usually decorating or trying to make his hair look less greasy or masturbating to Playgirl.

"Wow," Said Dumbledore quietly to himself, "He really is gay! How did I not pick up on this?"

No, on Saturday he went down to the dungeons to visit dear Severus. The man was like a son to him and to the man, he was like a father, though he'd never admit it. They would converse for nearly an hour and then make their way to breakfast together. This happened every Saturday every week, every month of every school year. It was a regular thing and had been for many years now, ever since the incident.

Dumbledore dressed in a set of purple robes, Severus always liked purple and made his way to the dungeons. As he was walking he saw a group of four house elves making their way to what looked like the Slytherin quarters each holding a piece of parchment and a quill, but thought nothing of it. When he reached Severus' Door he knocked three time and waited for Severus' usual "Enter" but alas it did not come. He knocked again and waited, but still, no answer came. Worried, Dumbledore decides to invade his privacy and just go in and discover something that to most would not be as discomforting as it was to Dumbledore. Severus was not in his quarters.

"Son of a bitch!" shouted Dumbledore leaving Snapes rooms, "That little shit better be around here somewhere!"

Dumbledore quickly ascended the dungeon stairs and quickly strode across the Entrance Hall towards the kitchens to grab Dobby to help him search. Blinded by his growing rage, (he had a feeling Snape wasn't at the school but he had make sure) Dumbledore ran smack into Flitwick, tripping over him and falling to the floor.

"OUCH!!! What the hell Albus you just kneed me in the face!" screamed Flitwick, holding his face in his hands.

"For serious Albus what's the deal you're practically running through the hall!" said McGonagall.

"I'm sorry Fillius," said Dumbledore standing up, "Its just that Severus isn't in his room for our chat like he has been for the past 10 years, and I have and awful feeling that after what happened last night he may have left the school. None of you have possibly seen his have you?"

"None of us have seen him since he bitch walked out of the Great Hall during dinner last night," said Sprout

"Damn! Well I'm off for the search! I'm going to get a house elf to help me, if any of you get any more info, contact me."

And with that Dumbledore took off for the kitchens. Just as he left the four house elves with paper approached the three professors.

"We are having you house student counts for you proffessors!" said one of them as the others handed each professor a piece of paper. "We were not able to be finding Professor Snape anywheres, what do we do with his roster?"

"Give it to me," said McGonagall, "I'll make sure he gets it."

As the house elves left, each of them took a look at their Saturday morning student counts. Every Saturday morning each head of house was supposed to count the number of students in their dormitories so that they may report those referred to as "Night Fliers" but none of the heads of house felt like it so they never did. Then Snape came up with the brilliant idea of bribing house elves to do it for them. When they asked them to do its and gave them the cash the house elves freaked out and started throwing the money at them, apparently they had issues with accepting money, and did it for free, though the professors thought the money throwing was a bit unnecessary.

"None missing here! Oh wait, never mind I'm missing one." said Flitwick.

"I've got two over here" said Sprout.

"I'm missing Five!!!" said McGonagall"

"Well you definitely win Minerva! Unless Snape is missing more," said Flitwick.

"No," said McGonagall looking at Snapes count, "He's only missing four, I win, of loose depending on how you look at it. Its strange though, I only ever thought that slut Lavender Brown left the school, not potter and his friends and Ginny Weasley. Shame too, I was going to ask them about Severus gone missing. They were the last to see him in their detention…….OH MY GOD!"

"What is it Minerva?" asked Sprout.

"They are with him, or rather he is with them! How could we have not seen this coming?"

"Oh my god of course! I'll bet you there was no survey too! They just wanted to get drunk, so they chose the one of us that seemed most likely to buckle under the pressures of the bottle!" said Flitwick.

"I can't believe they tricked us!" said Sprout, "Now poor Severus is going to get his ass kicked by an old guy!"

"We have to try and help him! When Dumbledore figures out Severus isn't in the school, you two need to stall him as long as you cane, and meanwhile I'm going to try and track down severus and my students and get them back before they are missed! Then we will lie our asses off to Dumbledore about Severus being here the whole time!" said McGonagall.

And the three professors took off the save their friend.

Back at the Hearse…

Hermione drove the hearse into the teachers parking garage and came to a screeching halt between Flitwick's Hummer and Dumbledore's Corvette. All six students burst out of the car and began running at break neck speed towards the exit. As they ran across the street to the castle grounds, they saw a figure making its way directly at them.

"What is that?" asked Malfoy as they all came to a stop in the middle of the dimly lit street.

"It looks like someone with a really pointy head!" said Ginny laughing hysterically.

"Yeah," said Lavender, "a cone head! Everyone run, there's a stupid person on the loose!"

"Snape, is that you?" said Ron.

"Ron, Snape is in prison, what the fuck?" said Harry.

"Well Lavender said it was a stupid person, I only made the connection!" answered Ron laughing like a stupid idiot.

"Well you're the one laughing like a stupid idiot at your own joke, so its probably you!"

"Who says I'm laughing like a stupid idiot?"

"The Narrator!"

"…….…"

Everyone stared at Harry in silence.

"Awkward moment!" sang Ginny.

"Oh shit you guys its professor McGonagall!" said Hermione.

"Quick, everybody, run!!!" shouted Lavender

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" screeched McGonagall.

"Shit! Shit! Shit! We are in such deep shit!" said Hermione hysterically.

"No you aren't," said McGonagall, "we can let all fo this slide without any cansequenses, but we have to act fast! Where's Severus?"

"I…. don't know what your talking about…..Severus was never with us….."

"That's why you're on first name basis right?"

"I…no, I mean…"

"Look, Dumbledore isn't stupid. Severus hasn't missed their Saturday morning chat for like ten years, and if he's gone for much longer, Dumbledore is going to know exactly what's gone down"

"Well he isn't here," said Ron smugly, "He thought he'd have a go at me and was in for a rude awakening when I kicked his ass into tomorrow!"

"Yeah right!" said McGonagall, "Severus is a fucking death eater spy and hes like 6'5 and way buffer than he looks! The only way you could have beaten him is by doing some stupid bull shit like breaking a bottle over his head!"

"……….."

"Awkward silence!" sand Ginny again.

"No way Ron! Really? You're that big a dip shit? Really?" said McGonagall. "Well if he got knocked out where is he then?"

"At London penitentiary," began Harry, "We were at this party, and the times were good, but Ron sucks ass and then the cops made a scene."

"In other words, the party crashed, the cops came, and we had to leave him behind," said Hermione.

"Damn! Look you guys I need your help, Hermione, Harry, I need you to come with me to get Severus, the rest of you I need to go McGonagall I and help Professors Sprout and Flitwick in distracting Dumbledore. Keep him out of the Great Hall at all costs! Got it?"

"Got it!" they said in unison.

Draco put his hands on Harry and Hermione's shoulders and said. "May god be with you."

"……….."

"Awkward si-…"

"Shut up Ginny!" shouted Hermione, and they were off.

Meanwhile at London Penitentiary….

"Swing low, sweet chariot…"

Clink

"Oh. My. God!" said Dave in a most aggravated manor, "Will you please stop singing and hitting that cup against the bars!"

"Will you let me go now?" said Snape hopefully.

"NO! How many times do I have to tell you? We cant let you co until 8:00!"

"Well then I'm afraid I can't stop singing and breaking out the beats with my prison cup!"

"I've had enough of this! I'm going to go hang out with Phil!"

"Fine! Whatever! I don't need you! I don't need anybody!"

Snape looked around the room. He had to get out of here before Dumbledore noticed his absence; otherwise he would be in such deep shit. But there was no way out. The keys were with Dave, the bars just barely to close together so that he couldn't fit through them, and his wand was in the hearse.

The hearse. He'd had it since he was twenty and hoped it hadn't been totaled by those damn kids! He still couldn't believe they left him behind. How could they? Of course this really wasn't all of they're fault. If they had stayed all five of them would be in this cell, and he didn't want them to get into that kind of trouble, especially Hermione who so prized her school record. No, this was the fault of only one.

"Damn it Ron!" said Snape to himself. He really had tried to be friends with that guy, but Ron really was an idiot an idiot amongst idiots.

"Severus!" said someone in a shouted whisper that he recognized.

"Minerva! What are you doing here?" said Snape in a very surprised tone.

"Shhhhh! I'm here to bust you out!" she whispered and she unlocked the cell door with what looked like Dave's keys.

"How did you get those? How did you get here?"

"Never mind that now, we have to hurry quick come with me!"

The two of them ran as fast as they could out of the room, past the reception desk where a young woman sat looking slightly confused, and straight out the prison doors into the parking lot where none other than the hearse stood parked illegally in a handicap spot.

The back of the hearse stood wide open and with a single leap, McGonagall jumped into the back dragging Snape in with her in the process. The minute she slammed the doors shut Hermione hit the gas and they were off.

"How did you get past the guards and the receptionist?" said Snape, flabbergasted at the recent events.

"I bailed you out," said McGonagall

"Well then why did we have to be so quiet and run?!"

"For effect!"

"Oh, right."

"Hey Sev….." said Hermione awkwardly

"Yeah how's it going Severus?" added Harry.

"Oh great! Just great! Best day ever, hands down!" answered Snape.

"Look Sev, we're really sorry for leaving you behind, but we didn't have a choice, you know?" said Hermione pleadingly.

"Don't worry about it; it's not your fault. It's Ron's!"

"Yeah, I don't know why Ron has been such a magnificent ass wipe lately!"

"True Dat!" said McGonagall.

"What?" said Harry.

"True Dat, you know?"

"What? Are you a gangsta now or something?" said Snape.

"Hey, you know what?" said McGonagall, "At least I'm not wearing makeup, purple hair, and a poodle vest!"

"Don't be a jealous betch, because in this vest I look fab and you look drab, ok hun?"

"Wow Severus, if I didn't know any better I would say you were gay. Oh wait! I do know better, and you are gay!"

"OH WOW! I think… yes indeed I do believe you have failed to burn me yet again Minerva! Oh, for shame!"

"Do you think they will stop any time soon?" asked Harry.

"No," answered Hermione, "Somehow I get the feeling this is really just a continuation of a previous burn off."

"Burn off?"

"You really are too damn boring Harry."

Back at Hogwarts…

Dumbledore was in the room of requirement. He had searched the school for Snape, all to no avail. Dumbledore knew what it meant. It meant Severus had gone back to his partying ways, and Dumbledore was not about o deal with this shit! Not again! Dumbledore was PISSED OFF, and when he found that boy, he was going to SHOVE HIS FOOT UP HIS ASS! That's why he was in the room of requirement. Dumbledore figured if he willed it, somehow the room would reveal where Severus was. The problem was he didn't really want to know. Deep down he just wanted to pretend it was all good and go eat breakfast and imagine Severus was just sleeping in.

"Maybe it isn't my place to tell Severus what he can and cannot do." Said Dumbledore defeated.

"What the hell are you talking about old man? Of course its your place to tell him what to do, he's like your son, only he's gay and has a large nose" rang Dumbledore's conscience

"Yes, but Severus is a grown ass man who can make his own decisions!" retorted Dumbledore.

"Bull shit! His decisions are bad and he is ruining his life. I mean come on! How long did its take him to come out of the closet?"

"He hasn't."

"Exactly! That's why you have to make sure he knows whose boss, control his every move, and never be proud of him or satisfied with every decision he makes, just like your father did with you!"

"But I hate my father!"

"Yes, but look how wonderful you turned out! Now don't you want Severus to be just like you? Don't you want him to become the greatest wizard ever, and take over your position as headmaster and number one wizard when you're dead?"

"Well of course I want him to thrive to his full potential and even surpass me one day, but he will never be just like me! I mean he's gay!"

"News flash buddy, so are you!"

"Yes in JKR's mind I am but I don't think this author is going in that direction. But I do agree with you! I have to find Severus and show him my disappointment trough pain and suffering on his part!"

At this very moment both Flitwick and Sprout came barging into the room disrupting Dumbledore from his conversation with himself.

"Sup Dumbledog!" said Sprout.

"Oh hello there, what are you two up to?" said Dumbledore

"Well you know we wanted to see how you were with finding Queen Severus. Who were you talking to?" said Flitwick.

"What? Oh no one. Well That's why I am in here, you see. To discover his location by requiring it!"

"Oh I see, smart, very smart! Why, you're a regular Einstein aren't you Dumbledore?"

"A what?"

"Never mind, say! Have ever considered going to Everest College?" said Sprout.

"Oh yeah he seems like the type of brilliant mind who would do well at Bryman College!" said Flitwick.

"Ok you know what? I am not an Idiot, ok? I know what Bryman, new name, Everest College is ok, I watch Montel so don't start!"

"Damn it I thought we had a chance!" said Flitwick angrily.

"Yeah, don't think I don't know what's going on here! You guys are trying to distract me from finding out where Severus is!"

"That is so not true! We came up here to tell you we found him and that's he is down at the great hall right now!" said Sprout.

"Oh really!"

"Yeah, really!" said Flitwick.

"Well then you wont mind if I go on down to the Great Hall and see for myself will you?" said Dumbledore slyly.

"What? Why? What's the rush? Why don't we just stay here and relax?" said Flitwick.

"You'd like that wouldn't you? No, I think I shall go down and have a little chat with Severeus now if you don't mind."

Sprout and Flitwick threw each other nervous looks and followed Dumbledore out of the room at a brisk speed.

They were nearly to the great hall when Draco Malfoy popped out at them from behind a suit of armor screaming hysterically.

"OH MY GOD THANK GOD I RAN INTO YOU!" screamed Malfoy.

"Whoa, calm down! What's the problem?" said Sprout.

"Its Lavender Brown! She's having a seizure!! Quick, follow me!" and with that he took off down the hall in the opposite direction of the Great Hall.

As they approached Lavender it became obvious she wasn't really having a seizure, but just pretending.

"Is this supposed to be some kind of joke?" said Dumbledore angrily.

"What? No! Look she's…having a seizure," said Malfoy.

"Yeah look at the poor girl," said Flitwick, glad for a distraction from the Great Hall, "It must be from the vicious herpes she has."

"Oh no we rechecked her. She wasn't the one with herpes, it was the Patil twins."

"Oh. Well she's still having a seizure."

"No she isn't. I've seen a seizure before, and this sure as hell isn't one! In fact I think this is just another scheme devised to keep me from knowing where Severus is!"

"NO!" said Lavender, suddenly out of seizure, "He's in the Great Hall!"

"See, we told you!" said Sprout.

"Yes well, lets go see Severus then shall we?" And Dumbledore took off towards the Great Hall once again, The rest following close behind him in apprehension.

As the walked they came across Ron who stood aside holding up his arms saying half heatedly, " No…please….stay away from the Great Hall at all costs…"

Dumbledore paid no attention to Ron and merely pushed him aside. Ron joined the others in his pursuit.

"Well thank god you were here to stop him!" said Malfoy to Ron angrily.

"I know. I truly am a martyr."

"So you guys are trying to keep Severus out of trouble too?" asked Flitwick.

"Yep! On McGonagall's orders. Us and Ginny. I wonder where she is…" said Lavender.

Just then Ginny dropped from the ceiling directly in front of Dumbledore, screaming in agony.

"OH IT WAS HORRIBLE, SIMPLY HORRIBLE! I'VE BEEN STUCK TO THE CEILING FOR AGES! The culprits went that way!!" said Ginny pointing to another hall in opposite direction of Dumbledore's destination.

"Oh no, im not falling for it!" said Dumbledore aggravated, "I know what you're all trying to pull and it ain't working! What I don't understand is why you three Gryffindors are trying to save him! He's head of Slytherin House! You don't even like him, in fact, you hate him! Am I right here?"

"……….."

"Awkward moment!" sang Ginny

"Now I see whats going on here! At least you three, maybe all of you, were with him last night or at least know where he is!"

"Well of course we know where he is!" said Ginny, "He's in the Great Hall Having breakfast, no need to disturb him, so lets go capture my tormentors!"

"NO! I am going to the Great Hall, and when I get there and he isn't there, you all better tell me where he is or so help me god I shall bring a wrath upon you so horrific you will shit blood!"

"…………"

"Sounds like a plan!" said Ron happily, and Dumbledore resumed his hall storming.

Back at the hearse…

Hermione came to a screeching halt. They had arrived at the school, however they were not at the teachers parking garage. When Snape and McGonagall finally stopped bitching each other out they had devised a plan to enter the school through the kitchens. Then Snape and McGonagall would make their way up the side stairwell which lead to a door directly to the side of the staff table. Harry and Hermione would make their way through the kitchen to the front of the great hall where they would enter as normally as possible and create a last minute diversion when the doors to the great hall opened. They only hoped they weren't too late.

"Are you guys ready?" said McGonagall.

"Wait! How do we know Dumbledore doesn't already know?" questioned Snape.

"I haven't received a potronus from Filius yet saying he does but we cant possibly have much time! So I will ask you all again, are you guys ready?"

"Hell yeah!" said the other three in unison.

"Ok you guys. Lets do this!"

The four of them jumped out of the hearse and ran into the castle via kitchen exit. As they ran some of the elves had bitch fits and tried to force them to eat their food, but they just kept on running. Finally they reached the stairwell. McGonagall and Snape parted from Harry and Hermione, all of them running at break neck speed.

Harry and Hermione dodged between house elves and frying pans. Finally, they reached the kitchen door and wretched it open. They darted up the stairs into the entrance hall. As they took off across the hall to the doors of the Great Hall, Harry glanced up to the Grand Staircase and saw Dumbledore rounding the corner on the upper landing with the others in pursuit.

"Hurry Hermione he's right behind us!" shouted Harry and they ran, if possible, even faster.

They reached the door pushed through them and took their seats at the end of the Gryffindor table. They glanced up at the staff table. No Snape or McGonagall.

Meanwhile…

Dumbledore stormed down the hall towards the Grand Staircase right by the Great Hall. Just as they all rounded the corner onto the upper landing, Ginny noticed Harry and Hermione push their way through the doors into the great hall.

"Hey!" she whispered exitedly to the others behind Dumbledore, "They're here!"

"Filius, send the patronus!" said Sprout.

Flitwick conjured a patronus, gave it a message and sent it just as Dumbledore turned his back to step off the final stair into the entrance hall.

Meanwhile…

Snape and McGonagall bounded up the stairs two at a time. For once Snape was incredibly glad he wasn't wearing long billowing robes. They continued to run faster than either of them had for ages, McGonagall lost her hat.

Suddenly something silvery transpired beside McGonagall.

"Oh shit! Its Fillius' patronus!" said McGonagall, still running.

"Dumbledore is almost here bitches! RUN FOREST RUN!!!" said the Patronus. Just as it disappeared, Snape reached out and rung the door to Great Hall open.

In the Great Hall…

The doors to the Great Hall creaked open but before Dumbledore even had the chance to look up to the staff table, Harry and Hermione both threw smoke bombs directly in front of the door. They exploded immediately and filled the front of the Hall with smoke.

Just as the two smoke bombs exploded, Snape and McGonagall ran past the other professors at the staff table and too their seats on either side of the headmasters chair right before the smoke cleared.

Dumbledore looked up to the staff table, flabbergasted to see Severus Snape sitting casually at his seat.

Severus Snape held his breath, trying not to look at all exhausted.

Dumbledore felt so stupid! He should never have listened to his conscience! He should never have doubted Severus! He should never have- wait a minute! What was that on his face?

The Great Hall was silent. Every single person was either staring at Snape and McGonagall, Dumbledore and his posse, or Harry and Hermione.

"See, what did we tell you?" said Flitwick, "Hes been here the whole time!"

"Do you think I am an idiot? I know he hasn't been here! The smoke bombs to conceal his entrance, the diversions in the hall ways as I made my way down here, the patronus you thought I didn't see you send Filius. All of these could have, and for a moment there did, fool me, but there is one thing none of you thought to correct. Can you guess what it is?"

Everyone looked at one another in confusion

"LOOK AT HIM!" said Dumbledore pointing at Snape, "HIS HAIR IS PURPLE, HE'S WEARING MAKEUP AND THERE IS BLOOD ON HIS FACE! Now that kind of change don't just happen over any normal night!"

Snape began trying to sneak out of the Great Hall but Dumbledore noticed.

"OH I KNOW YOU AINT TYING TO GET OUT OF THIS ONE SEVERUS! GET YO ASS OVER HERE!"

Snape stopped in his tracks and turned around. He didn't walk over to Dumbledore but stood still and stared.

"DID I STUTTER? I SAID GET YO ASS DOWN HERE BOY!"

"No." said Snape defiantly.

"What did you just say?"

"I said NO!"

"Oh shit, here we go!" said McGonagall.

"I AM A GROWN ASS MAN! YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT A CAN OR CANNOT DO! IF I WANT TO GO OUT AND PARTY ALL NIGHT I WILL!

"NO YOU WONT! YOU NEVER MAKE GOOD DESCIONS WHEN YOUR DRUNK AND YOU LAND YOUR ASS IN PRISSON! WE WENT THROUGH THIS FOR FIVE YEARS, IT AINT ABOUT TO GO DOWN AGAIN!"

"I'M NOT YOUR LITTLE SLAVE! YOU CANT KEEP ME LOCKED UPIN THIS SCHOOL FOREVER! I NEED TO FLY AND BE FREE!"

"YOU CAN BE FREE! JUST BE FREE INSIDE THE CASTLE!"

"YOU DON'T GET IT! I CAN NEVER DEAL WITH YOU! WHY CANT YOU JUST UNDERSTAND ME?!"

"I DON'T NEED TO UNDERSTAND YOU TO KNOW WHATS BEST FOR YOU!"

"Does this sound like a parent teen fight to you?" said Hermione to Harry.

Everyone continued to stare.

"FORGET YOU! FORGET ALL YALL! WHAT YOU STARIN AT? I AINT A MIRRIOR! I AM SOO OUT OF HERE!"

And with that Snape stormed out of the Great Hall leaving everyone in a shocked silence.

"Quit your staring! Everyone go back to eating, the show is over!" said Dumbledore and he left the Great Hall without another word.

As soon as he was gone the Hall erupted in an uproar of voices discussing everything that had just happened. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Lavender, Malfoy, and The three heads of house left the Great Hall as well and gathered in the entrance hall.

"Well that was some pretty ghetto ass shit that just went down," said McGonagall

"Yeah really! What do you think is going to happen now?" said Hermione.

"Who knows? Only the author does," said Harry

"When do you think we will know?" asked Ginny

"Whenever she decides to update next."

"I can't wait to find out what happens!" said Sprout.

"Well I can," said Ron, "She doesn't seem to like me very much!"

"Yeah but who does Ron?" said Malfoy and everyone began to laugh, with the exception of the always annoying and stupid Ron.