Disclaimer: otnay inemay. Pig latin. Move the first letter to the end and add -ay. Fun stuff.

A/N: Sorry, my comp took a crap. And the Aeris muse kinda turned into a monster. She's a very twisted gal in my head. Don't worry, she isn't the deciding factor on anything. Thanks for all the reviews guys! They keep Calm writing! But hell, all my readers are awesome! Had over 5000 hits on this thing. Is that normal?

Not knowing all the information about delicate situations which could suddenly spiral down into disaster at a minor slip because he did not know all the info was par for the course to Cloud. Hell, if people started telling him all he needed to know he'd've been convinced they (or he, take your pick) were on some very powerful halucinogen.

Or the world had actually ended. Been there when it'd been going to end and folks were not more forthcoming. Damn hoarders. Didn't their mothers ever teach them to share?

Par for the course. Right.

Didn't make it any less frustrating.

This was a Gaia-given mission! There simply wasn't a higher authority than that! Should be giving him all the info he bloody needed. Should've given it to him a week ago. Or at least yesterday. On a silver platter, damnit. With a thank-you note.

It wasn't like he was asking for a Ferrari or the keys to the Honeybee Inn…honestly…

Doubly frustrating to Cloud was that it was Aeris doing the withholding. Usual torture fall-back method wasn't allowed here. Gr. Now he had to pry it out of her. Without thumbscrews. Live was just so difficult.

Really should've taken his ma's advice and become a dentist. Yep, then people could pay him to inflict pain on them… Be so satisfying…maybe he could find a college. Never too late to go back to school, right?

'Ris. Talk. Now.

Thumbscrews would've gotten it out in maybe half an hour. Spent an hour here already an' he still had piddle to show for it. Aeris could be incredibly annoying at the wrong times… Maybe he should threaten to lock her up with Hojo.

Nah. The 'Torture Hojo' line was way too long for that. Guy'd pissed more folks off than Seph an' Rufus combined. Scary.

Think flower girls, think flower girls…now it sounded like he was planning a mental wedding…

The flower girl in question was figeting. Bad sign. Meant she'd lied - no, she'd just conveniently forgotten to tell him something - knew he knew that she'd done it, felt bad, and didn't want to come clean about it. Bet she'd never won a game of B.S. in her life.

But Cloud - Next sign, the You've-Wronged-Me-Look-How-Innocent-I-Am face. Tifa and Barret always fell for this face. Always put Aeris and Barret in the same party. She knew how to wrangle'im. Best to use all available resources to make AVALANCHE run smoothly, right? After she'd died Vincent could just scare Barret into agreeing.

Don't 'But Cloud' me. Talk.

There it was. The Ultimate Girl Weapon. Tears. If men had written that book Tifa'd made'im read once - what was it called? Pride and something. - it'd say 'It is a truth univerally acknowledged that pretty crying women are Up To Something.'

Key word there was pretty. The one or two shiny drops running from her eyes, with a wet lacey fringe of tears clinging to the eyelashes. Make up still in perfect place (everything - including boss fights - stopped once the eyeliner was smeared. Until Yuffie'd revealed an ancient Wutainese ninja secret - they tattooed their eyeliner on.). No eye puffiness to speak of. One or two cute little sniffles.

She'd managed to kick Reno in the crotch once 'cause of those tears. Cloud made sure he was out of range. Just to be safe. Aeris was prone to fits of 'for-your-own-good' behavior no one ever thanked her for. Safe was good.

No, real tears were not so pretty. Involved lots of mascara-running, eye rubbing, puffy redness, and prosaic nose blowing. He could always tell the difference. Zack, now, that was a different story.

Zack could be pretty oblivious about some things...

Damn he was getting off topic.

Aeris Gainsborough those are crocodile tears and I demand an explanation of why the past Sephiroth is doing the crazy I-own-you possessive shit. I need to know 'Ris!

Heartfelt pleas were the way to go with Aeris. Threats with Yuffie. Sweet talk with Tifa. Basic survival skills needed when interacting with the females of the species. More deadly than the male. And moodier. Bad combo right there.

You always know when I'm faking! How? Zack can never tell the difference! Like he was going to give the enemy an advantage? Hah. Then she'd be invincible! Never. She already turned evil once a month and could not be defeated, what more did she want?

That's 'cuz it's Zack.

Oh...Right. Point.

Now explain! Time for the Patented Leader This-Is-Vital-Information Glare. Made lots of gil teaching a yearly seminar on it. He'd died a millionaire. Worked every time.

I didn't mean to leave anything out! Really I didn't but I didn't know how to tell you and I really didn't think it'd matter anyway and it's awkward and - Oh no, it was one of her apologetic-determined fits. Those could last hours when she got up to speed and then she'd try to 'fix' things. Better nip this in the bud.

'Ris. No reponse. Volume up. 'Ris? Still nothing. Better crank the volume again. Add some arm waving too. Gotta snap her out of it somehow! 'RIS! Whew. It worked. Hadn't figured out what to do if it hadn't. Thank Gaia. It's alright, but could you give me the Reader's Digest verson now please?

Tacking on a please never hurt.

Take notes you will be quizzed on this after class! Here's the deal: souls kinda transcend time so no, his soul isn't whole. I told you it didn't make sense! Don't give me that look. Gaia said something about time and layers an' everything happening in one instant. I don't know how it works it just does. Anybody'd be alittle protective of their soul too, and Sephiroth's a possessive guy so he'll be extra possessive of it. Problem is he doesn't know it's missing, but he subconsciously realizes it's his and belongs in him. So yeah, he's gonna be possessive of you. Remember that.

Well. That was alot of info. Alot of info. Need time to digest all that.

I see...Well, no he didn't but hey he'd never lost part of his soul, just had it shredded. Different thing entirely. Lemme get this straight: He shoved part of his soul into me for all eternity and never realized it?

It was the part he was least in touch with, so it's not like he ever used it much anyway. Hojo and Jenny-o the Space Turkey saw to that.

An' he's possessive of it subconsciously and 'cause it's part of me he's possessive of me, right?

Yep. You pass the quiz Cloud.

Then why doesn't Zack care? I've got part of his soul too!

'Cause it's Zack and he loves to share.

Had the odd feeling he'd missed something important Aeris was implying in that conversation, but couldn't figure out what. Wasn't sure he wanted to know either. The innocent face was a total front. Aeris had a very dirty mind. Knew it first hand. She'd been trying for years to get him and Vincent to star in porn movies.

Cloud?

Yeah?

You might want to go check on...the..er..past Zack. I think he's trying to mess around with the Ouija board again.

Damnit all!

And he was off again. Stupid living people. At this rate he'd never have this decided before the poker game!

pqpqpqpqpqpq

Standing in the flower filled field alone Aeris just had to wonder about her boys. They were both nice, strapping, pretty young men with hero complexes and mental instability. And when it came to certain areas they were both hopelessly oblivious.

The wheel was turning but the hamster was long gone.

Well, they might not ever be mental chinchillas but it was a step up from the guene pig. 'Course chinchillas had an extreme aversion to water so maybe it was better they were mental hamsters…

Either that or Cloud was okay with the idea of Sephiroth the Great thinking part of Cloud belonged in him. Men. They never picked up on hints. Aeris didn't really think it was a hint, considering she'd out and said it and meant it literally.

Althought it was probably just her wishful pervy mind working overtime. Was her pet theory right now, and she was trying hard to convince Zack – the dead one – she was right.

He'd looked mildly horrified. Something along the lines of My two best (it wasn't strictly true but he liked to think it) friends and I didn't know?! Can't be.

Oh how she wished she could be a fly on the wall when Cloud realized exactly what she meant. That would be a conversation! Probably wouldn't happen for awhile though. Cloud hadn't asked what part of the General's soul he had. Silly boy to think souls were just big blobs of energy! Each bit held an aspect of someone.

In her opinion Cloud ought to be thankful it wasn't the man's urge to eat otherwise he'd've made the poor blond into a main course. Or it wasn't something to do with drinking. Vampirism on top of insanity would've just taken the cake.

Actually, everyone ought to be thankful. At least Sephiroth hadn't been out raping folk left and right. She'd always wondered about that until she'd died and been told the truth. Wouldn't any red-blooded male with a god complex be out collecting a harem of beautiful women - or men, depending on his preference - ?

And Zack'd always said his boss was asexual. Just something about him. Zack had put it down to prefering the 'thrill of battle' and bloodlust. He'd also been so off-put by the thought he'd never tried to figure it out further. Made sure all his meat was well-done from then on.

Not that Sephiroth himself would be much better. From what she could tell he just hated being out of control of himself in anyway. Hojo all over that one. All those tests and drugs. Bad parenting. Always bad parenting...

Better step up her campaigne to convince Zack so he could tell Cloud when he demanded to know What the fuck-?. Poor Cloud. The only one Sephiroth was really going to be attracted to, not just having a biological function with. Kind of like the difference between sex, wonderful orgasmic sex, and the Stoic way of calling it an 'exchange of mucus'. People and their theories now...Sephiroth was going to be so confused!

Tehe!

All Hojo's fault. There was an unsexual man if she'd ever met one. How he'd managed to father a son - and she wasn't so sure it wasn't Vincent Valentine's child either - she'd never know. Lucresia Cresent must've been a very frigid woman. But since Hojo'd been the one to raise him it was really no wonder at all Sephiroth was rather out of touch with the..er...reproductive part of his soul.

That and he'd been injected with Jenova cells since before birth. Jenova was female. No wonder the poor silly boy was confused. Still it was Sephiroth, THE General of ShinRa, who wore a bondage outfit all the time and wouldn't know how to not be in charge if he was gagged and bound.

But while Cloud might be unstable - that had improved over the years, she was so proud! - he wasn't one to just roll over and follow orders either.

Aeris wondered how it would turn out. Hopefully the world wouldn't explode. This might not've been one of Gaia's brighter ideas. Like allowing Hojo to live.

Wait. Hojo. She had to go tell him. He'd have kittens! Never forgiven him for what he did to her boys. Or Vincent. Never. Telling him and watching him stew would be great revenge. He'd hate the idea! Especially since it was all his fault. Everything was his fault. Including Sephiroth not killing the 'Failure'!

And as for Cloud, he'd always be one of her boys. Sephiroth would just have to share him. Probably with Tifa too. Really, the man ought to charge for his time. He was in demand! It was pity she'd never been able to convince him porn was his true calling…They'd've been rich by now…

She went skipping off to where Hojo was held. Hojo torture was very popular these days. Hopefully the line wasn't around a corner again...she really wanted to watch!

But she really wished her pervy theory was right! It'd be so much fun! And she'd put far too much thinking into it for the thing to be totally wrong.

pqpqpqpqpq

Zack figured Sephiroth's joy in ordering missions at ungodly hours of the morning was some twisted form of revenge on the world. Probably had something to do with Hojo being a morning person – if the man ever slept that was. Zack'd never seen it an' he'd been posted for duty outside the lab a few times. Swore the man was always there. Didn't matter what the hour.

No sleep might explain a lot of things about his personality. That or the creep was experimenting on himself. Wouldn't put it past'im. Dude would do anything in the name of science.

Preferred not to think about that one. One of the interns had said Hojo was way fonder of ducks than was healthy. No, no not going there. No. Shit. Too late.

Still, did the General have to be so bloody vindictive? Wasn't like Zack had made'im wake up early, damnit! Not his fault. Hadn't even known about it. Hadn't been out of training diapers when it'd started.

Zack filed it under the rest of the injustices committed against his person and made a face. Gulped his coffee. Tried to figure out what they'd be doing. Bet it was centered around a ghost. Was going to ask Aeris the next time he saw her about unhealthy fixations an' how to deal with'em.

She was so good at counseling. Could've opened a clinic by now. Seph should go see her. This ghost-thing wasn't right somehow. Creepy. Or maybe it was just that the guy was dead and Seph still insisted on bugging the poor dude. Some afterlife, the Silver General ragging at his heels like a beagle after a fox. Complete with the compulsive 'Hey look I found something!' barking beagles did.

Zack'd had a beagle when he was little. Damn thing barked like a nutter at everything. Mom'd said it was the perfect dog for him. So like his owner.

If Seph had a dog it'd be a bloodhound. Grumpy-looking and completely unstoppable once it got a scent. Spike now, he'd be a fox. Elusive bastard. But the hair was more like a chocobo…

Damn it was early. Was seeing mental pictures of Spike followed by a herd of adoring chocobos. Give the guy a pipe an' he'd be the Pied Piper of the 'bos.

Needed sleep. Sleep. Hmmmm.

Maybe if he just used the Ouija thingie again Spike would show up and he could go back to bed. What was the worst that could happen? Dude at the occult store'd said it was totally safe. Expert opinion there. Spike didn't know any better…

The cracking sound behind him did not sound happy. Ya know, it seemed like someone was always pissed at him theses days. Jeesh. Must be that time of the month an' none of them were getting laid. Not that Seph ever got laid. Hell, he'd thrown some really pretty girls – and guys – out of his room more times than Zack could count. Not that he could count that high but still.

Hoped the General was not into goats or chocobos or something nasty like that. Or ducks. Poor ducks. Bad mental picture. Bad bad bad bad… He'd seen a porn movie about some ancient general…Alexander the Great? Yeah that was it, an' he'd raped a duck…maybe that's where Hojo got it from…

Focus on the angry ghost. Focus.

Er, sorry? Spike was glaring. Man could really glare. Zack wondered if he gave classes. Be a great way to make money…Oh right. Grovel.

You…you…just…Argh. He'd rendered Spike speechless! Cool. Took skill to do that man! Point Zack! Do a mental happy dance with some cool winner music.

Spike stared like he'd grown another head with tame hair.

'S not like there's another way to contact ya! Unless they've got dead mail or something. Be cool if they did – hey, tell my granny I said hi, k? An' that I miss her gingerbread men. Mom doesn't make'em right. Never did. Could you get her recipe?

The nod he got was slightly stunned but nothing Zack wasn't used to. People tended to be a bit off-balance around him. Proud of it.

Zack do you have your PHS around? Here give. Try calling that. So ghosts had phones? Were they like, the phones that malfunctioned and died? Did electronics have souls?

And were all computers female? It'd explain why they were so damn moody. His threw a monthly fit too come to think of it… Could 'dead' files be recovered in the afterlife?

The ringtone was a pretty quiet thing he'd never heard before. Hard to hear, but sweet. Probably something in something minor or major. Kinda like Aeris' ringtone but not quite. Her's was something called Air on a G-string. She'd picked it 'cause of the name. One pervy gal hid behind all that innocence alright.

Hhmm. Guess it works. But if people start prank calling me then your room is going to have it's very own poltergeist. Not so much fun there. Wasn't like it was the cleanest place on earth but still, he didn't want stuff broken. Flat screen TVs were expensive.

Not to mention his fridge had stuff that could qualify as toxic waste in the back. Did not want that coming out to play. Hey, it was mystery meat day in the cafeteria tomorrow – maybe he could donate it?

Okay okay, can do! I'll even pinky swear on it! Would too. No skin off his back.But having Spike's number could give him a lot of grief too where a cranky commander was concerned. Ah, am I allowed to give Seph this? Could you possible do it yourself? So he doesn't gut me or something…

A blink. And a nod. Let's just keep it between us for now. Be too much like giving a stalker an address…

Zack thought he totally had a point. I'd've never pegged the General as the stalker type. Sorry man, didn't mean to get you stuck in this mess. Hadn't meant to get himself stuck in this mess!

's all right. I'm used to it by now. Very dry reply there, but a surprising lack of bitterness. Guess it was just his lot in…well…his lot. Period.

Poor bastard.

Zack glanced over at his clock. It was 4:43. Better warn'im Seph was coming. Couldn't do much for the guy – was his commanding officer an'all – but he'd do what he could.

And he'd give Seph some lessons on…inter-personal relations or something. The obsession was probably here to stay so he'd best figure out how to deal with it. Hated mornings.

Aeris better have some good ideas about this. 'Course she'd probably put a pervy spin on it. Sigh.

When he turned around Spike was already gone. Guess that was all for nothing. Now he'd never get back to bed…And the Ouija board was broken! Shit! Nevermind getting back to bed, Seph was going to kill him! Shit shit shit!

pqpqpqpqpqpq

He was hearing voices. More precisely he was hearing two voices he knew far too well. One was Zack's. The other was his blond's.

It meant two things: One – Zack was getting late night/early morning visits for reasons he really didn't want to think about or Two: Sephiroth the Great was creating unintelligble murmers in his head for reasons he really didn't want to think about.

Sephiroth decided it might be better if he ignored both options completely.Otherwise he was likely to become violently angry – about either Zack and his blond or how he couldn't seem to center himself. Being out of control was the last thing he ever wanted to be. Hojo's drugs had taught him that.

Along with the LSD Zack had put in the SOLDIER coffee maker. Nothing was scarier than 3D images of ducks. Too reminescent of Hojo and his abnormal…fondness…for them.

Yes, ducks were forever tainted in his mind.

It couldn't hurt to put Zack through a bit of extra torture for that, right? Especially since he couldn't beat the answers he wanted out of the man since he was sure the voices were the product of his deranged mind, and….

Oh hell. Today was going to royally suck. Could feel it in the air.

Need to stop by the simulator at some point. Work off all that…whatever it was.

Perhaps he should knock instead of just standing at the door feeling slightly silly.

Hey you're late by a minute Seph! Are you sick or somethin'? Late? But he'd made sure to get there with five minutes to spare…

I thought I heard you talking to someone Zack. No that was not a loaded question. Completely valid reason for not knocking too. Now if he could only convince himself that...

Oh…I…er…accidently broke the Ouija board…and I was kinda just thinking out loud 'bout what you'd do to me sir. Mental sigh of relief. Zack's uncomfortable stance was explained and maybe he'd just imagined the specter's voice. If Zack'd been truly stressed he could sound remarkably similar… But he threw a glare in just to see Zack wilt abit. Maybe he'd hold it 'til the First squirmed.

I see. Wasn't important. Spike'd said he'd be back. It was all that… mattered…chuck that thought in with the semi full of other ones he really didn't want to think about.

What had the man…ghost…done to him?

Seph? You alright? Ya look kinda green… Zack did not need to know what he was thinking. At. All.

Just an unpleasant reminder of ducks.

Ewww! Hojo's waaaay to happy about ducks man! That's gross!

The lab assistants all said the same thing. A sure-fire bribe was a bunch of ducks. Said something that the ducks were always dead when given.

We're breaking into the lab today Zachary. Find the files our ghost was photographing.Then we'll go research hauntings and judgements. Something's strange about all this.

His instincts were never wrong. Even about Reno and his 'one-time' drag look. Man was far too good at it for a one-time thing. Turned out he'd been at the assignment for a month. Sephiroth had won a pretty penny off that betting pool.

Should he be worried 'bout why we're stalking the poor bastard sir? If he was implying Sephiroth meant to hurt the specter - !

Zachary!

Time to sharpen his Glare of Death.

Right-o Seph sir! His First was much too pleased with himself.

Should've stayed in bed. It was a bad day.

But since he wasn't...Zachary would pay for that comment later. Pay dearly.

A/N: Review. Pretty please? Next update will be much faster.