Disclaimer: If I owned Sawyer, that would be really hot. But I don't. Nor do I own anyone else.
Plane: CRASH!!!!!!!!
Jack: Now my insane hero issues can finally be used for something!!! (saves everyone but the Marshal, who he kills somehow)
Kate: Thanks for killing the Marshal. He was the one who had to bring me to justice!
Jack: (not listening) OK everyone, let's go around the campfire and tell out life stories! I'll go first. (ahem) My name is Jack, and I have daddy issues. Among numerous others.
Everyone: Hi, Jack!
Locke: I also have daddy issues! Oh yeah, and this island is magical awesome, 'cause it helped me walk again.
Kate: I have daddy issues too! That's why I'm a fugitive from justice!
Sawyer: Me too! …'Cept I got issues with the guy who killed my daddy.
Claire: I have issues with my baby's daddy.
Jin: (Korean) I have issues with my wife's daddy.
Michael: I have issues with being a daddy.
Charlie: (looks at Hurley and Sayid) I feel unspecial, not being a member of the Daddy Issues Club.
Hurley: That doesn't mean we don't have issues, dude.
Boone and Shannon: True dat!
---
Hurley: (after the batteries on his Walkman wind down) Man, I'm bored.
Jack: (ignoring the paranormal monsters killing everyone) I know! Let's act all paranoid about each other!
Everyone: Sweet!
Locke: Heck, it's not like that's going to drive outcasts like, say, Kate and Sawyer together or anything.
Sayid: (torturing Sawyer) Nope, and it's definitely not reinforcing any negative stereotypes of Arabs.
Jin: Yup, this is one great show for racial stereotyping.
Michael: Indubitably. Now hold still so I can almost axe-murder you!
---
Kate: Um, Sayid… you should leave for like, a journey of self-discovery or something.
Jack: I think what she means to say is, get out of here, you non-daddy-issues-having terrorist!!!!!
Sayid: (stomping off in search of daddy issues) Hey, a rope. (gets captured by crazy French woman)
French woman: (not speaking French) So you're the one without all those daddy issues.
Sayid: Yeah… but I have woman issues!
French woman: Cool. Take a free car battery.
Fans: But HURLEY'S the one who gets the battery in episode 18!!
Da Phoenix: …Shut up, purists!
---
Ethan: (pops up) Just in case you didn't have enough problems already, I'm going to kidnap the pregnant girl and her drug-addicted has-been rocker almost-boyfriend!
Charlie and Claire: AAAAAH!!!!! THE CHRONOLOGY IS OUT OF WHACK!!!!
Jack: Because I have messianic delusions of grandeur, I have to be the one to save them!
Charlie: (falls out of tree)
Jack: I did it, everyone!! (hits Charlie on chest, since he never learned CPR)
Charlie: OK, now I have more issues than probably most of you.
Sawyer: But do you have DADDY issues???
Charlie: Well… no…
Locke: Then you can't be in our club.
Charlie: Aaaargh!!!! (stomps off in search of heroin)
Claire: I'm back! And traumatized!
Jack: (putting on his shrink hat) Tell me what happened so I can heal your shattered psyche.
Claire: Oh, that. Well, guess who had a mild concussion? Here's a hint: It's MEEEE!!! So I have convenient amnesia.
---
Locke: (strollin' through the jungle) So tell me, Boone: how does one go through life without daddy issues?
Boone: Well, I make up for it with all those sister and nanny issues. (trips)
Hatch: (clang)
Locke: (whoa omg let's open it)
---
Walt: (to Michael) You're a mean mean daddy and I hate you!!!!
Michael: In order to prevent my dear son Walt from developing as many daddy issues as Charlie-
Charlie: But I don't HAVE daddy issues!!!!! (cries)
Michael: Shush! I will build a raft to take us all away from this huge yet somehow undiscovered island.
Sawyer: Hey, I'll come with! I've got nothing better to do this weekend.
Sun: (glaring at Jin, who's fighting with her) Maybe Jin should come too… he's got issues with my daddy, and he's super jealous of my m4d English sk1llz. Plus, he's kind of crampin' my style.
Michael: Ok hottie- I mean pretty woman- I mean… Sun. (pretends he's not in love with her even though he is in real life)
---
Locke: Hey Boone! Guess who also has mommy issues?!?
Boone: …you?
Locke: Yupppp!! And because of them we are going exploring for no particular reason!
Boone: Tight! …Hey look, an orange plane. It looks kind of like a big Tylenol. Or my grave!
Locke: Aah, my leg! You climb up to it.
Boone: 'Kay. Hey, it's kind of wobbly, like a seesaw!!! (starts bouncing up and down)
Plane: (falls down cliff)
Boone: …Owie. Not…fun like… seesaw. (pass out)
Locke: Oh noes!! I have to take him to Jack now, since no one else is hero enough to care about Brian!!
Boone: …that's "Boone," jerk. (pass out again)
Shannon: (to Sayid on their private beach) Hey, that horrendous scream of pain sounded exactly like my brother who slept with me that one time. Oh well! (cuddles Sayid)
Sayid: …Wait, when did we end up together?
Shannon: (shrugs) Since just now, I guess.
Jack: (in Superjack mode) Boone's dying! Must save him!! (gives Boone his own blood using bendy straws)
Boone: WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DOCTOR ARE YOU?!?!?
Jack: One of a kind, Booniekins.
Claire: (in labor) OMG what if my baby looks like Ethan?!?!?
Jack: Eww, babies? Uh, Kate, can you handle that? Since you're a… girl and all?
Kate: (sighs, resigned to being the true hero on the show)
Boone: Shannon… (dies)
Shannon: (griefstricken) Oh my dear incestuous brother… (sniff) POURQUOI?!?!?!?!?
Sayid: Oh darling, promise me that no matter what, you won't try to kill Locke or start listening to creepy backward voices in the forest.
Shannon: (not listening) 'Kay.
Sayid: Now Locke, are you going to tell me where the hatch is, or am I going to have to reenact my Arab stereotype once again by tying you to a tree and torturing you?
Locke: (sigh) Oh fine. And while we're at it, I'll show you the heroin plane. Just for laughs.
---
Michael: The raft is finally done! I wish I could take every last one of you with me, even you, unimportant Scott…
Guy: I'm Steve. Scott's been dead since like episode 5.
Michael: Whatevs, purist! But this raft is only for the members of the Daddy Issues club that are not vital for the camp's survival. Well, that and the people who are free this weekend.
Sawyer: So, Freckles, I guess that means you and the doc are finally free to shack up, since I'm going out of town this weekend.
Kate: Well, yeah, except that would totally ruin this whole love square thing we'll have when you meet Ana Lucia in season 2… I mean, uh, oops? Plus Jack's kind of too full of himself to have a real relationship. …And is "Kate" too hard for you to say or something?!?
Sawyer: Take care, Freckles. Don't lose those daddy issues now!
---
Claire: Charlie, sing to my thankfully non-Ethan baby to educate him about our island's history, since Jack's been too lazy to set up a public school system.
Charlie: Mkay! This one's called "The Cowboy Kills the Polar Bear." (plays guitar that miraculously survived crash when like hundreds of people didn't)
---
Locke: We really have to get this hatch open fast! It's almost the end of the season, and we've got to get it open at the finale to really drive our viewers crazy over the summer!!
Mr. Arzt: Let's use dynam- (KABOOOOM!!!!!!)
Jack: Great idea!
Hurley: Wait, you're not wracked with guilt and self-loathing for not being able to save Arzt??
Jack: Well, I'm not going to waste the emotion on a red shirt like him!
Hurley: (glances down at his own red shirt)
(Locke, Jack, Kate and Hurley all trek hazardously across the whole island with explosives)
Locke: Oh, the hatch was right next to the dynamite ship. Just kidding!
Hurley: WAIT!!!! There are cursed numbers on this hatch!!!
Kate: WTF what cursed numbers?! (glares at Da Phoenix)
Da Phoenix: Oh yeah… there was supposed to be a cursed numbers subplot in there somewhere, wasn't there?
Hurley: Whatever, man. This hatch is bad juju! Bad Juju!!!!
Hatch: (explodes open)
---
Others: (to raft peeps) Give us da boyyyy…
Michael: No way!! If I give him to you he'll have daddy issues!
Walt: Oh, I already have enough daddy issues to last me a lifetime in therapy, Dad, don't worry about that!
Sawyer: Wait, who the hell are you guys??
Others: (mysteriously) We are… the OTHERS.
Jin: (in Korean) Da Phoenix! You missed this subplot too?!
Da Phoenix: No one pays too close attention to this show anyway!
Others: (take Walt)
Sawyer: (shot)
Raft: (broken in the middle of the ocean)
Fans: OMG they're all dead!!! And the hatch! And... the numbers! (dramatic pause) And why is summer so freakin' long?!?!?
Da Phoenix: (surveys chaos with satisfaction) J. J. Abrams, eat your heart out.