Bella was really pissed. Not only did she have 5 million TV show episodes to watch but she also had to spend the night writing up stupid nursing diagnoses for her class. She had been in nursing school ever since Edward went off to discover himself. Who the fuck knows what that means anyway? Charlie thought that it would be a good idea for her to know how to take care of wounds since she kept slitting her wrists during her 58 weeks of depression following Edward's departure. Now she was glad she had started nursing school because she was taking care of Jacob's father Billy who was suffering from massive liver failure due to all his years as an alcoholic.

She looked at the mail on the counter. There was a post card from Edward. Apparently he was in Edina, Minnesota learning how to play hockey from some gay couple. Fantastic. She went to throw it away but then hesitated. It was these postcards that finally brought her out of her 58-week depression. She wishes that she could let him go but no person in their right mind would let that hot piece of ass away. She wanted get pregnant when he got back. Not that that would happen because Edward had no body fluid and thus no sperm. She hoped he didn't cum some type of stone gravel.

However she was suddenly inspired with the best nursing diagnosis.

It was as follows:
Name: Bella Swann
Instructor: Carlisle Cullen
Patient name: EC

Nursing Diagnosis:
Sexual dysfunction r/t inability to attain erection AEB lack of blood in flaccid penis.

Nursing Interventions:
Nurse will explain to patient that he will not be able to have an erection because he does not have blood.
Nurse will run away from embarrassed vamp--- patient.
Nurse will buy dildo and teach patient how to simulate sex on plastic doll. Or Jacob... you never know.