23
By Grace (purplemud)

Pairing: Naley and a bit of Leyton and Brucas
Summary: Nathan Scott is done playing basketball. In fact, if he's going to be honest about it, he's done with living. But one funeral just might change that. AU. Totally.
Warning: Character death. Strong language. Some sexual content in the future. Maybe.
Author's note: Finally. Bit of an update here. Apologies for the sporadic and long over due updates. I hope this one will not disappoint. I have not given up on this story. Not yet. I am still determined to finish this. However long it takes. Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this and please feel free to leave your comments, questions and suggestions. All of your reviews are truly helpful and I always look forward to hearing from you. Thank you in advance for reading!
Disclaimers: Standard disclaimers apply. Me don't own. Lines from the show shamelessly borrowed. Please don't sue.

Fourteen

Ridiculous. This is how Nathan is going to forever remember this day. From the way it started to where he is right now, silently following Haley up the steps to her apartment, his heart doing some sort of complicated gymnastic-like somersaults before jackknifing and rushing down to the pit of his stomach.

See? Totally fucking ridiculous.

There is also that lingering feeling of disconnect; like he's having an out of body experience. It's exactly the way he used to feel when he was younger, watching an endless parade of videotaped high school games.

Dan had all his games recorded. Or rather, his dad had asked someone from the coaching team to record his son's games. And not in the lighthearted home made movies of his youth kind of recording. There were absolutely no shots of Dan or Deb cheering or smiling on the sidelines. None of that sentimental bullshit his dad loathed. The video cam followed Nathan's every move, capturing all of his glory. And all of his many glaring mistakes, including, but not limited to, several shots of him angrily hurling incentives, glaring at referees, glaring at the crowd (probably looking at Dan), all his deliberate, Technical, hard physical fouls and an epic scene of him throwing the ball at the back of Lucas's head which ended in a brawl that almost got him kicked out of the team.

Fun times.

There are about hundred or so VHS tapes stacked and boxed somewhere inside his room. His father's handwriting, large and bold, scribbled on the white sticker on the side. Everything painstakingly labeled: Game 2/vs Oak Lake/Semi-finals/W. This was Dan's way of showing his fatherly devotion.

And yes, the W indicates a win. An angry red L if they lost. Dan used to arrange them by the Ws and Ls. In case Nathan lost count of the number of games he'd lost. Dan kept this video library/scoreboard in their Father-son room, where, for two hours every weekend, Nathan would always find himself sitting in front of the TV scrutinizing, analyzing and learning his game. There were plenty of good memories on that room, Nathan couldn't deny that. All those exchanging of grins and high five, proud pats on his shoulder. His dad's eyes shining with pride.

Of course, there were bad memories. Nathan couldn't win all of his games. And he could remember those silent hours filled with nothing but the sound of gnashing and gritting teeth. Exasperated sighs and a lot of finger pointing. "There Nathan, tell me what the hell was that?" Dan would ask as he pause a game.

It was always such a pain in the ass trying to catch the smallest details: the way he twisted his ankles, the movement of his feet, the spin of the ball, the position of his thumb, the distance of his knees as he takes a free throw (always too far apart, according to Dan, even if Nathan had the best stat for free throws in the whole state of North Carolina).

Nathan hated being forced to watch his games. It's like slipping to a Dan Scott skin, berating himself for his obvious mistakes. Everything is slightly wrong. Imperfect. And the torture doesn't end there. Because Dan will ask him afterwards, during dinner, 'So son,' he'd start, thoughtfully chewing his lamb chop, pausing to swallow, 'what went wrong with that game? On that play?'

Nathan can't just shrug and say 'I missed the shot.' That was absolutely unacceptable. He has to know exactly why he missed the shot and explain it to his father. Sometimes he'd try to defend himself ('Coach Whitey said' and beginning his sentence with this always ended with an argument and stony silence. Sometimes even skipped dinner) but most of the time, he'd just acknowledge and agree with Dan. It's the only way he can have his dinner in peace.

Deb would often complain about this and had foolishly banned basketball talks during dinner. That went about as well as Nathan trying not to sneer at Lucas. Deb ended up taking dinner at her work, coming home later, purposely avoiding dinner altogether.

Nathan shakes his head, trying to rid himself of all these Dan-related thoughts. He was sure he'd gotten over it by now, but something about this day seemed to have dredged up a lot of the old memories he'd discarded and forgotten about. This has been the most he had thought about Dan in a long time.

But it's different now. Different somehow. He didn't feel that old bitterness. That snarling bite of anger. It's just memories now. Not something heavy or hurtful. Which was why had had been trying to forget about them in the first place. He wonders if this has something to do with Lucas.

Or maybe even Haley.

Nathan takes a quick peek at her and felt his heart lurching forward once more. It wasn't just attraction. It was something more than that. But since he'd never felt anything other than plain physical attraction to other girls, Nathan doesn't have a way of knowing or even naming what exactly he was feeling for Haley. He'd never noticed so many things in a girl in such a short period of time. Nathan feels like he knows her. But he knows that it's impossible because he'd just met her.

His father and even his closest friends think that he lives in his own Nathan Scott world, oblivious to everything that did not have anything to do with him and it might have been true before, a few hours ago to be exact, but all that self-centeredness went flying out of the window today. Gone. Kaput. Suddenly, all he can think about was himself in relation to Haley James, to Oak Lake, even to Lucas.

How many times had Lucas tread this same step towards Haley's apartment? Would Lucas also silently follow Haley, as though in reverence? In a respectful, friendly distance? Or did Lucas have his arms around Haley, laughing and playful teasing each other, joking about an old friend, reminiscing about the good old days?

Nathan cocks his head in surprise. He's starting to wonder a lot about his dead older half brother.

Wow, that's a mouthful over there, Nathan thinks not unkindly. He's still not sure what (and how) to think of Lucas so he shoves Lucas at the back of his mind, bringing his attention back to Haley.

Nathan had never been what people would call a 'chatter'. He'd never been one to start a conversation. Being friendly wasn't one of his many sterling qualities. Unless there was a pretty girl involved and then he can turn on the charm and steer the conversation to wherever he wanted it to lead to: a date, a quick make-out and groping session, a few hours in his bedroom. With Haley though, and she was by far, the prettiest girl he'd ever met, he can barely come up with words to make her turn and look at him. He feels like he's been thrown back in time when he hasn't figured out yet that girls found him hugely attractive. He feels almost shy. And yes, strangely, wonderfully, nervous too.

Add that to the list of the many new emotions he's suddenly feeling.

And don't forget Dying Curiosity, Nathan thinks as he watched Haley's head bobbing up and down, her hair lightly bouncing as she took two steps at the time, as though in a nervous hurry.

Nathan desperately wants to know what Haley is thinking. She's been awfully quiet when they got out of the car. He can sense some sort of hesitation, maybe even a bit of regret at suddenly inviting him over to her apartment. Was she expecting that he would decline? Did she want him to decline? Was she just being polite when she offered him coffee and dinner? And if she was, how could he have not felt that? How could he have so eagerly said yes?

Nathan gazed at Haley's back, wondering if she's some sort of human magnet. Maybe she was the positive and he was the negative? Magnets worked that way right? But didn't they repel each other? Or was that opposites attract? Goddamn it. He'd never paid any attention to this sort of thing when he was still in High School. And more than that, why is he suddenly thinking about such idiotic things?

Frowning darkly, he lets his head drop for a minute, watching the way his shoes would fold at his every step. He feels like he's been climbing this stair for hours. And yet he knows that it's not possible. Time had suddenly become a big puzzle to him. It seems to infinitely stretch out and yet he knows that by the end of the night, in a few hours at least, when he finally has to say good bye to Haley, time will be too painfully, regrettably short.

His head is so totally messed up right now.

Nathan takes a deep breath. Okay, Scott, it's called being nervous, he quietly tells himself. Acknowledge it instead of being afraid of it. Man up! It's just like facing a better, stronger, taller, undefeated team. It's all about overcoming your fear. It's all about attitude.

Nathan can feel his shoulder lifting up at the internal pep talk. He tries to channel Whitey and what his old coach would usually tell them when they were about to face a better team. So what if this is the first time you'd ever felt nervous and so completely inadequately overwhelmed? Calm the fuck down. Take deep breaths and avoid talking. Avoid thinking. Do not look at Haley's ass. Deliciously curvaceous ass, yes, but look away now.

Not exactly what Whitey might have said, Nathan belatedly thinks.

"I can make some mac and cheese." Haley's voice suddenly and effectively stops his insane, inner monologue.

Nathan looks up and finds her gazing down at him. His brain short circuits. It's the only possible explanation for this. Because he sees an image inside his head, of him and her, sitting on a stair – very much like this – crazily making out. In between kisses, Haley will pull back and smile up at him, playfully pushing him away.

This daydream, this flash of fantasy, this wishful thinking, whatever it was, it snaps Nathan into action and he does the unthinkable. He takes a huge step and is instantly in front of Haley. He can practically reach up and twirl a lock of her hair on his finger. Not like he'd do it of course. Because really? What is he supposed to say when he actually does that? "Your hair is so soft."

"I'm sorry, what?" Haley asks, confused. She blinks up at him, startled to find him suddenly so close to her but she doesn't take a step back, she meets his gaze head-on.

Oh fuck. Nathan gulps down and mentally curses his stupid feet and his equally idiotic, traitorous mouth. He clears his throat and tries to ignore the way Haley is looking at him right now. "I…ugh, I was thinking more along the lines of a…ugh, a steak." He blurts out in a totally, undeniably nervous way. "Or lobsters. I mean, its dinner right, not like, I don't know, not a mac and cheese kind of meal…" he trails off before he finally, miraculously bites the inside of his cheeks, preventing him from spewing off more inanities.

Haley gives him an incredulous look and laughing softly, she playfully lectures him, "Dude, mac and cheese, food of the Gods."

Nathan returns the teasing tone, "If they're five years old."

Haley's smile reaches her eyes.

Yes! He hasn't completely totally lost it yet, he mentally congratulates himself. "And don't call me dude." He adds, raising his eyebrows at her. Nathan is utterly not prepared by the reaction from Haley. The smile quickly evaporates; it was as if her light had suddenly dimmed. Nathan is quick to apologize.

Haley shakes her head and looks away, "No it's okay. It's just…" She gives him a sad smile. "Lucas hates it when I call him that." She turns away and Nathan is left standing at the staircase watching as she fumbles through her handbag, looking for her keys.

He thinks maybe her hands are shaking, but he isn't sure. Nathan quietly takes the remaining steps. He hesitates for a moment before moving to stand next to Haley. She really is so tiny. He's looking down at the top of her head and he wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around her and drop a kiss, right there, that soft, sweet spot on top of her head. It was the only comforting gesture he can think of and he wishes Haley would just look at him, let him know that it's okay to hold her. Instead, she lets out a sigh.

"You're a little bit like him, you know." This is said in the softest whisper and if Nathan hadn't been standing so close to her, he would not have been able to hear her.

They're silent for a few minutes, until Haley finally finds her keys, wordlessly opening her door. When she looks up at him, there were tears in her eyes. Nathan looks down at their shoes. Such tiny feet. Everything about Haley James looks delicate. He didn't want to break her. He didn't want to lie to her. He takes a deep breath. "I don't think so."

"Why not?"

Nathan closes his eyes and imagines Haley looking confused, doubtful, a light of recognition flashing on her eyes. He swallows past a tennis-ball sized lump on his throat and bravely looks up at her, meeting her brown eyes. Wincing painfully, he tells her one truth, "'Cause he's a great guy. I'm not."

The words rip at his heart, a large chunk of it tears and bleeds away and with a sad sigh, Nathan hands that piece of useless broken part over to Haley.

The door swings open and they stand there, his heart in her open palm.

Haley shakes her head and Nathan thinks that this is where she'll tell him that she had changed her mind and that he needs to leave her alone. He's prepared to that. But he's completely taken aback as Haley suddenly reached out, her small hands urgently closing around his wrist. It's as if she knows that he's about to leave.

"Nathan, don't." Haley's voice is strong and so completely unexpected in her tininess, her delicateness. "Don't say that. I don't believe it."

Nathan is surprised not because she thinks he's someone better, but because of the sincerity in her voice. She truly doesn't believe that he's unworthy of her, of being welcomed into her home – maybe, possibly into her life.

"Why? You don't even…you don't know me," the words are wrenched from out of his throat. He hates the fact that they don't know each other, that despite whatever connection they have, they are still, essentially strangers to each other. Yeah, sure, she knows this Nathan. This Nathan who taught her how to shoot a basket, who has cracker jacks to give out to grieving girls, who is surprisingly polite and nervous too. But Haley didn't know the sixteen year old Nathan who stole a school bus for a stupid dare, or the Nathan who didn't break hearts on purpose but didn't care if hearts were broken, or the Nathan that despised and loved his father in insanely equal amounts. Or how about Nathan, the younger brother who had wished his older brother away? If Haley knew about those, will she still think, will she still believe that he isn't a bad guy?

Haley eyes are on him, a shade darker. "You've been kind to me Nathan. Not many boys would have taken on a crying girl crazily shooting a basketball." A deep blush had risen to her cheeks and Nathan isn't sure if it's from embarrassment of something else entirely. "So, don't say you're a bad guy."

Nathan wanted to believe her but he knows it isn't true. She doesn't know. And Nathan would rather that she never finds out. He'd rather Haley remembers him as someone who is kind. This is his only chance at being a knight in shining armor. Better not ruin her memory of him. In fact…Nathan straightened his shoulder and standing taller, he takes a step back and gently pulls free from Haley's grip. "I shouldn't even be here." He's mumbling the words so he clears his voice, tries to sound stronger, firmer. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. I should go."

Nathan isn't sure how he's able to utter those words and sound convincing. It's the last thing he wanted to do, but he knows that it's the right thing. What is he playing it? He can't be here. Just because Haley was kind enough to invite him, it didn't mean that he should just waltz in to her life and do what? Wreck havoc. That's what he's good at. That's what all these would come to if he even allowed himself a few more minutes with her.

His life is already complicated as it is. He shouldn't be dragging her down with him. This is the last place where he should be. He'll leave now before he loses whatever sense of rightness and unselfishness he's suddenly in possession of. He'll come back to the café and ask maybe Keith and Karen to come to her place and keep her company. He still believes that she should not be alone tonight, but he's the last person who she should be with. Not tonight, on this night of all nights. And with the way he's feeling now, this unbearable, undeniable attraction he was feeling for her, this was the worst time to be let himself be alone with Haley.

Haley stares up at him and Nathan is startled by the look of sadness in her eyes, she quickly looked away, biting her lips, "Are…are you sure you want to go? I just… I just wanted…" Nathan watches as she glances inside the darkened room, it seemed to be engulfed in nothing but shadows.

It was too quiet. Too lonely. Too deserted.

Haley looked back up at him, trying to smile bravely, "I make a real mean mac and cheese." She offered, "Please? Let me at least thank you for taking care of me earlier."

Nathan is torn. He shoves his hands deep in his pocket, feeling oddly spent, and empty – like he had spilled everything, every dark secret, every dark truth he had ever held inside his heart. He thinks it isn't fair that it's all that he could give Haley that, but he has nothing else. It's a terrible gift to give and Nathan wishes he has something better for her. Maybe someday in the future, now that he'd seen a glimpse of kindness, maybe he can offer her something brighter, something that will always make her smile. Something that will always light up her face.

Someday.

Something.

Two empty words.

Someday sounds too far away and something sounds too vague. He isn't going to offer Haley that either. He's here now. He can stay just for a few minutes. Just until he's sure that Haley will be okay. In fact, he'll even suggest that she call Karen or any of her friends to come over and stay with her.

Groaning inwardly, Nathan shakes his head. He knows he will regret it but how could he say no to her? To those brown eyes? "Ok, but just for a few…" he didn't even have the time to complete his sentence; Haley has already taken his hands and guided him inside her apartment, switching on the lights.

"Sit." She orders him, sounding a little more relaxed, "I'll go prepare us some mac and cheese." When he didn't move, she gently pushes him but Nathan doesn't even budge. Haley gives him a pointed look and Nathan quickly folds his frame into a low couch the color of sunbursts. Haley seems to like yellow a lot, he thinks to himself as he watches her walk into a room, which he assumes is the kitchen. He lets his eyes roam over her apartment.

Haley's place is Haley. Small and warm, with colors ranging from sunny yellow to dark purple, Nathan automatically notes the splotches of green here and there. There's a study table tucked away in a corner, covered with papers, picture frames and CDs. There's a small piano on the corner, two guitars and a thousand books; spilling over bookshelves, stacked on the floors. Nathan is drawn towards the bookshelf with the most books and he surveys the titles and the authors. The titles don't mean anything to him; the authors are all names without faces. Nathan frowns. He doesn't know anything about this world.

"Half of them are probably Lucas's. He reads a lot. Like, a lot. And he thinks it's his duty to force me to read as much as he does."

Haley is standing on the arched doorway, watching him. Nathan feels self-conscious. It's an incredibly odd feeling. "That's him." He said, nodding towards one of the pictures sticking from inside the glass-encased bookshelf. Haley walks up towards him, standing close enough for him to smell her scent.

It isn't a perfume because there is no way the world that can bottle up her smell. It's like the scent of early morning. Like freshly-cut grass, morning dew and something inexplicably sweet. Not honey, not Rose or Jasmine, not some flowery shit. Just clean and sweet and Haley. She stands on her tiptoes to look at the picture, her shoulder brushing against his.

Nathan feels ridiculous wattages of electricity jumping from her skin to his. He might actually light up himself. Human light bulb, that's him. He feels his lips moving to form a self-satisfied little smile.

"The haircut is a little silly," Haley tells him, catching the idiotic grin plastered on his face.

"What, no…I didn't mean it that way…." Flustered, Nathan tries to recover but notices Haley chuckling beside him. "So Stanford." Nathan declares instead, noting both their background and the matching red sweatshirts.

"Yeah. From our first day." Nathan notices the subtle change in her voice. He's never really quite sure what bittersweet meant, not until this day, not until he hears it in Haley's voice. Sees it in her eyes. "I bought him that sweatshirt." Her smile wavers at a memory, "I bribed him with Stanford goodies and then I begged him to go with me. When that didn't work, I tried threatening him with bodily harm."

Nathan feels his stomach clutching. A familiar sensation whenever Haley tells him something that he already knows about Lucas. He wants to interrupt her and tell her that he'd seen and ignored Lucas during Duke and Stanford games. Nathan swallows hard. It doesn't seem so impossible now. Lucas had found a way to effectively erase Nathan from his life. Lucas had never bothered telling his best friend about a younger brother. And why should Lucas tell Haley about him anyway? He'd escaped Tree Hill. What was the point of talking about a younger brother who did nothing but treat him like dirt?

"That was a joke, by the way." Haley tells him, her eyebrows perfectly arched.

"Of course." Nathan mumbles, shaking his head, pulling himself out of these reveries. No point in dwelling about the past. He'd rather savor this moment now. He glances at Haley and he is certain that if he had met Haley during high school, he would never have gone to Duke. He'd follow her to Stanford. Without all the goodies, begging and threats of bodily harm. Even with Dan screaming bloody fucking murder. Oh, he'd love that. Dan has always scoffed at the girls that Nathan dated. His father somehow knew that they would never come between his dreams of Nathan going to Duke and then straight to NBA. But Haley would have been different. Nathan doesn't know how he's sure of this. But he knows it in his bones. He can feel his life altering, going through a different course had Haley been in his life. Although Nathan thinks that Haley would definitely look so much better in blue.

"It was another basketball college," Haley is saying, "but I said it's better if he didn't run away from basketball altogether. He loved it. He loved playing the game. There's no point pretending that he didn't. That'll be like denying a huge part of his life. It wasn't not the easiest thing to do, facing all of the What-Could've-Beens every day, but Lucas did it anyway. He's brave like that." The pride in Haley's voice is unmistakable.

Nathan frowns, confused. Run away from basketball. "Why did he? I mean, why did he stop playing then?" He vaguely remembers reading something about this, a snippet about Lucas Scott not playing for any college. He had snorted and thrown the local newspaper away, thinking what a wussy his bastard half-brother was He hadn't read the whole article of course. He just could not have been bothered by it. Especially not by an article endlessly rhapsodizing Lucas's talent and love for the game.

Haley pauses, blinking as though suddenly waking up from a dream. She refocuses her eyes on the picture of Lucas, shaking her head. "Lucas, he's... he's got a heart condition." Haley turns to look at him, and the startled expression that she must've worn the first time she found out is still etched on her face. A faint shadow. It still has that shade of desperation in it. Like she still couldn't believe that it's true. "HCM. Lucas has HCM. It's-"

"Hypertrophic cardimyopathy." Nathan interrupts, unable to stop himself. He feels like he had just suddenly swallowed a thousand pound of gritty sand. It fills up his mouth. He grinds his teeth, his throat suddenly going dry. Closing up.

Haley gives him a strange look.

Nathan can feel Haley's gaze. The weight of it is almost unbearable but he couldn't find it in himself to say anything. He clenches his jaws, chokes at the taste of something so very painfully bitter.

Oh fucking shit.

Fuckfuckingshit.

He had never even thought about the possibility of Lucas having the same heart condition as Dan. How could he have not even wondered about it? He'd been so incredibly selfish and self-absorbed. He remembered feeling the rush of relief (quickly followed by a deep burning shame) when he found out that he was clear from HCM.

HCM was hereditary and the moment Dan found out about his HCM, he had Nathan tested. When the result came out negative Nathan's relief was marred by guilt because his father was still sick with it. And there he was, all healthy and with a bright future ahead of him. Fortunately for Dan, he had the money to get the best kind of medical care and he'd never really showed any signs of being sick. Except for that day when he had a heart attack and died afterwards. Nathan can feel his own heart constricting. Had his father even bothered to tell Lucas? Did his father got Lucas tested too?

He would've, Nathan thought, trying to ignore the small voice of uncertainty inside his head. Dan might not win any Father of the Year award, but he would've definitely told Lucas. Nathan didn't want to ask the question. He'd rather believe in his dad this one time. He owed it to Dan.

"That's tough." Nathan finally works enough courage to say something to fill in the sudden silence that surrounded them. He ignores Haley's look. The one silently asking how in the hell did he know what HCM stands for. It's not like it's a common disease. But he can't answer that. He just can't.

Haley finally lets it go. She nods in agreement, "We were always so scared that we might lose him because of it. His mom, Karen, had to beg him to stop playing basketball. It broke his heart you know. He was never the same after he found out that he couldn't play anymore. He really loved it. Basketball." A wistful smile flits across Haley's face, staying there for a fraction of second before the corner of mouths sadly twists downs as she bites her lower lips.

"He was good at it." Nathan acknowledges, the sincerity in his voice reverberates inside his chest and Nathan is surprised to realize that he actually believes in it and he wasn't just saying it for the sake of Haley. Lucas was a good player. He might lack a bit of technical skills but he definitely had heart when he played the games. Hearts didn't win game, Dan used to tell him. It's true, Nathan thinks, but sometimes, it's all that matters in a game. Dan never saw it. Or he just refused to see it. Either way, Nathan thinks that Lucas did have plenty of heart. It showed in the way he'd always play the game as if it was his last. And now, Nathan thinks he knows why.

Haley sighs-smile. "Yeah. Got it from his dad." She pauses for a second before looking up at him, "Well, he said he did." The shrug on her shoulder suggests that she thought otherwise.

Nathan can feel the room suddenly starting to get small. He feels the sudden need to ask, to know more. "His dad. Do you know...I mean…what's the deal with his dad?" Nathan asks, wanting to hear, wanting to know what Lucas thought of Dan. Wanting to know Lucas's story told through Haley. It's his masochistic tendencies. Something he had gotten from Peyton. But he can't help himself.

"Lucas's dad's never really been there for him. He left when his mom was pregnant with him. I guess at first Lucas kind of resented, especially when he found out that there was another family, but then, I don't know, one day he just sort of accepted it and he was okay after that. He had Keith."

Nathan has stopped looking at Haley's eyes. He keeps his focus somewhere over her shoulders, at a wall covered with more pictures from Stanford. "They ever got to talk? Lucas and his dad."

"Once. I think. At least that I know of. His dad decided to show up one day and I guess he was trying to be a dad or whatever, a little too late if you ask me, but he told Lucas about his HCM, which is how Lucas found out. His dad wanted him to get tested."

Nathan could feel something inside his chest expanding. He hadn't felt this way about his father in a long time. But somehow knowing that his father had personally gone to Lucas to tell him about the HCM lifted the massive boulder-like weight sitting on top of Nathan's chest. His father was many things, but he wasn't deliberately cruel. He felt the explosion of relief, mingled with something aching to love, settle inside his heart.

"It meant the word Lucas," Haley was saying, "But after that Lucas never heard from him again. It sort of crushed him, you know, being rejected the second time. And God, I'm sorry, but his father was an ass."

"Yeah, sounds like."

"But Luke still loved him. I mean he's still his dad, you know, what are you gonna do?"

What else can you do? The question echoes inside Nathan's head. He's asked that question too so many times in his life and he'd never gotten any answer other than Dan was his father and that was that. The end.

"And then…his dad died." Haley said, still looking up at him, "I don't know how he found out. Keith most probably. I said I'd come with him and we could go to his funeral but Lucas said he didn't want to intrude, you know, with the family. I told him he's family too, but he said not anymore."

Was Lucas family? Nathan knew the answer to that. Yes. And no. When his dad died Deb went into some sort of internal break down, oh she did all the funeral arrangements, getting the flowers, picking the casket but she couldn't handle making all the important calls and Nathan had to sit by the phone dialing numbers of families, friends, teammates, acquaintances, business partners, and not once had he thought of trying to contact Lucas and Karen. Maybe it was Keith. He remember his uncle Keith being there, although he didn't stay long and they didn't even get the chance to talk. Just the customary exchange of condolences and I'm sorry and call me if you need me and him stoically answering yeah, yeah, whatever.

If he had thought of Lucas during those days would he have contacted his half-brother? Nathan is torn. He might have. He might have not. He might have thought that Lucas wouldn't want to know. After all, if their roles were reversed he would not have cared about a father that had abandoned them.

Nathan imagines calling Lucas and asking him to come. He imagines Lucas and Haley entering their home at Tree Hill, hands clasped together, people turning their heads to watch the return of the first born son. Because if he was going to be honest about it, no one is going to ever call Lucas the Prodigal Son, that was him, that was Nathan. The son who always got into a fight with his father, who disobeyed his father's wishes, who disappointed his father.

"I'm sorry I…" It's an incredibly late apology but Nathan doesn't have anything else to offer her.

"Me too." Haley said, not looking at him. "Those were dark days." She closes her eyes for a few seconds and shakes her head, "I don't think there was anything anyone could have done to make Lucas go there anyway. He just didn't feel like he belonged there."

Not like Nathan had ever made Lucas feel welcome. He clenches his fist at this thought. Nothing he could've done. Nathan thinks that's not entirely true and he feels the wave of regret washing over him. With a defeated sigh, he reluctantly follows Haley's lead of trying not to dwell too much on the past, even though later tonight, alone in his room, Nathan is sure that he will be dwelling and drowning. He will let the full weight of remorse settle over him later. He will save it in the dark when he can no longer feel Haley's eyes on him.

He scans the bookshelf in an effort to distract himself and immediately sees a picture of Haley and Lucas and Damien West. Although Damien is barely on the picture. Basically it's Haley, Lucas and Damien's dark scowl folded in the middle. It's a prom picture. "So you and Damien?" Nathan asks, ignoring (and then denying) the sudden surge of jealousy coming up from the very pit of his stomach.

There's a long, loaded pause and then: "We were... engaged."

He was not ready for that. Nathan chokes. He coughs and almost comically thumps a fist on his chest before finally figuring out how to breathe in correctly. He thinks Haley is glaring at him but he refuses to look at her. He shakes his head. "Engaged." He says as though testing out a foreign word. Not even foreign. Alien. Something out of this plant. Something that should not link Haley and Damien.

"Senior year." Haley confirms through gritted teeth. "We were going to get married after graduation." She frowns as though remembering something. "Actually, the plan was to get married if they won state. Huh."

Nathan remembers state championship. He remembers the crestfallen look on West's face. The devastation had been so clearly drawn out on West's face Nathan remembers feeling briefly sorry for him. Very, very briefly. He feels Haley's eyes boring through the side of his face. "What?" He asks through his own gritted teeth.

"You're actually smiling." There's a barely perceptible note of amusement on Haley's voice.

Nathan shrugs, still keeping his eyes on the faded picture. "Can't help it if we won state that year."

"I guess I kind of owe you."

Nathan raises his eyebrows at this and finally looks down at Haley, meeting her brown eyes. "And why is that?" There's a sudden spark there.

"No championship, no wedding." Haley explained. The Duh! expression on her face is almost a welcome change from the sad, downward curves of her features earlier.

Nathan could not agree more, although he didn't think it would be wise to voice it out. "So, ugh, what happened?"

Haley lets out an exasperated sigh. One that spoke volumes of how she felt about her misguided relationship with West. "I was young. I thought I was in love and well, Damien's... well, he's an ass. That's what happened."

"Let me guess, he tripped you while you're trying to go straight to the basket and then elbowed you while you were going down." And that actually happened. More than Nathan cared to remember.

Haley didn't smile. "Lucas caught him cheating with another girl. Two girls, actually."

Was Nathan surprised by this? Abso-fucking-lutely yes. He figured even Damien would not have screwed up whatever he got going with Haley. No one would be that stupid. Apparently, West was beyond idiotic. "Wow. What a stupid asshole." Nathan glances at Haley, "I mean, I'm sorry."

Haley waves her hand in the air. "We were in college. I was in Stanford, Damien was in Arizona. The long distance thing took its toll. It was over pretty quick." Haley scrunches up her face, looking like she'd just stepped on a bug. "Like four years. I was so stupid back then. Lucas knew that Damien wasn't good for me. Well, he was when we were in Oak Lake. I thought he'd really changed but he didn't, so yes, call me an idiot."

"You're not an idiot. And he didn't deserve you." Nathan's voice is clipped and matter-of-fact.

Haley nods in agreement. "Lucas said the same thing. Of course, he said it from the very start of my relationship with Damien, but I was too stubborn to listen."

Well, this time Nathan can say that he isn't surprised by this. "So Lucas didn't approve."

"No, he didn't. He and Damien didn't get along. Damien was… well, he was your typical jock. You know?"

Nathan knows. He more than knows. He was the typical jock that Damien was. He was the Damien West of Tree Hill. He can admit to this. With a cringe and sorrowfully too.

"I know this will sound crazy but when we started dating, he changed. It wasn't a total personality over haul but it got to a point where he and Lucas can actually spend an hour together inside the car without any bloodshed. We're talking about a small, cramped space here and that's saying a lot. When we decided to stay together even though we were going to different schools, I thought it would be hard but not impossible. We, I mean, I struggled with the whole long distance relationship thing, 'cause obviously Damien was just having the time of his life. When Damien and I broke up, it was just horrible the first few days. Lucas was there all the time, through all the cookie dough binges. And then, one day I just felt kind of sorry for Damien and I was okay."

"I'm glad Lucas was there for you." Nathan can't help but visualize Haley surrounded with cookie dough looking absolutely cute and adorable. He thinks it's possible that he's falling in love with both the younger her and the Haley now.

"Oh yeah, me too, if Lucas hadn't been there, I would've totally re-arranged Damien's face."

Yes, he is definitely falling in love with the younger, feisty Haley James who would've re-arranged West's face. Nathan would be happy to do it for her now. Maybe he'll volunteer it later. He has to ask first: "So you and Damien looked kind of, okay now…"

Haley gives him a strange look, "I've forgiven him, but we're just friends now. I've learned my lessons. Guys like Damien, they're never going to change."

And just like that, whatever small hope, small bubble of happiness Nathan was feeling right now, it went pfffft. Gone.

Guys like Damien. Guys like Nathan.

Haley is absolutely right. "Yeah," his voice sound strange, rough, filled with regret, "that's…that's true."

-tbc-