A/n: My first story in forever. I will try to keep updating, but no promises.
Rating: T
Warning: Deals with alcohol abuse, suicide references, and abuse references.
Disclaimer: CI or and character from Law and Order series are not mine.
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
-Reinhold Niebuhr
"My name is Alex." Her voice shook as she took in a deep breath. The dusty air gagged her and with deep hesitation she continued. "I've been sober for two years this week and I started with step nine… I've worked out a lot… with… but still, the one I hurt the most…" She stopped for a second and caught her breath. She looked around the church and let the healing power of Christ come over her and allow her strength to finish. "He hung up on me… and that was the closest I have came from drinking again, but I didn't… and I've never felt so…" She didn't dare to continue and as hesitated claps filled the church she walked back to her seat. A large hand patted her on the back and her sponsor Don Cragen took her hand.
As prayer finished she let go of Don's hand and moved out of the chairs.
"Hey, Alex, you have time for coffee?" She stopped and held her breath. I have time for a drink. She looked into his aged eyes and agreed, allowing him to lead her out.
They walked to a coffee shop down the road and after fifteen minutes of silence Don finally asked if she wanted to talk about it.
"I called him last night," she said with a small smile. Don patted her hand. Only he knew what that meant to her. Only he knew how much of her it took to college. And only he could imagine how hard it must have been to listen to him hang up.
"As soon as he heard my name…" She took a deep breath and allowed herself to think. Think back to the hurt he caused her the night before and how it didn't even compare to the pain she caused him.
"Alex, I know how much this means to you. I know what he means to you, but you need to take care of yourself first." This is taking care of me. I need to let him know why I did what I did. She looked at him with pleading eyes.
"Don, I…"
"Look, I understand, I do… and that is why I am here. Alex, you have just come too far to let him take you down. I know you feel guilty and I know you are not going to get passed this without him, but like I said, you need to think about you first. If you would like, I can go with you." She looked at him with a smile and said, "As much as I would like that, I need to do this by myself." He nodded and let her walk away.
Alex slammed the door into her small town home. The empty bird cage stood in the middle of the living room and as the wind drifted in through the window, the swing creaked slightly. She kept it as a reminder as to where her life went wrong.
She walked into the house after finally being dismissed from the hospital. Her wrists were still bandaged and sore, and her home was invaded. Not just by Jo, but by the large majority of friends. She made sure her door was repair by the time she got home, but her house was still a mess. She moved around the room, picking things up one by one. Her mind drifted, wondering who saw what, and of how much.
As she made her way into the kitchen, she picked up a table knocked over. Without thinking she moved her wrist back to balance out the table and pain moved through her entire arm. She felt stitch pop and her body responded with a scream. Fishing through drawers for a dish towel, she applied as much pressure to the wound.
Finally the blood stop, and when she looked up at the clock she noticed the late hour. She refused to go back to the hospital, so decided she would pop a few pills and go into the doctors in the morning.
Getting her purse, she poured it out looking for the meds.
"Fuck!" Upon remembering she never picked up the drugs she threw her purse across the room, watching as it slammed into the wall. She looked around, her wrist still throbbing in pain. Storming to the fridge she grabbed a beer and downed it in a minute flat. She took another to the living room and sat down on the couch. With each memory and scream that played throughout her head, she drank another bottle until she finally passed out.
As Alex thought about her downfall, she started to cry. The wind blew her hair and causes her body to shiver. She quickly found comfort in a quilt. She wrapped herself up in her hand-made blanket and lost herself in thought, going through all the ifs possible for the day to come. She thought about all the other times she apologized. Sure, she hadn't touched too many people's life, but there was still a number of them.
Olivia Benson was the hardest. She befriended the detective after Bobby left. Olivia was his temporary replacement and stayed with Alex through a lot until Alex finally pushed too much. Even after all Olivia had been through with her mother, she still didn't leave when she found Alex so drunk she was about to take her own life. In fact, she was the reason Alex even got help. After their last fight and Olivia told her she wouldn't talk to her until she stopped drinking that was the last straw. Something in that fight sent her to rock bottom. And after that she started attending the AA meetings. And she finally started pulling her life back together.