My pain, My life, My diary.

Rating: MA

Spoilers: Cyberwoman

Parings: Jack/Ianto eventually

Chapter: 3/?

Warnings: Abuse and language…. BASED ON A TRUE STORY

In this chapter during the memory Lisa is based on my beloved Jen and Ianto on myself.

The poem is for Janet, my stronghold who holds my hand in the roughest times.

After seeing how painful the Lisa experience was for Ianto, Jack buys him a diary. But Ianto doesn't write about Lisa, he writes about his childhood.

This is my letter to a world,

Who never cared for me.

Through past and present,

In my search for mortality.

Chapter 3:

Ianto entered the Hub early the next morning yawning loudly. His nightmare filled sleep and early morning wake up was taking it's toll and it wasn't even half way through the day.

He made his way up to the coffee machine and flicked the switch. Getting out a mug, he saw the light in Jack's office flick on so he reached for another.

Once the coffee was ready he took a quick sip of his own before picking up Jack's and making his way downstairs.

Reaching the doorway of Jack's office he knocked lightly.

Jack looked up quickly and smiled warmly.

"Good morning, Ianto".

"Morning sir"

He placed Jack's coffee on his desk and turned to leave. Jack reached out and took the mug, taking a deep sip he moaned appreciatively.

"Ianto?", he called, "How are you today?".

Ianto hesitated, "I'm OK".

Jack nodded, "Alright".

He bent his head and went back to work but Ianto seemed rooted to the spot.

"And whatever you do, don't believe me", he whispered, remembering the poem he'd written.

Jack glanced up, "Did you say something, Yan?".

Ianto shook his head quickly, "No, sir".

"Ianto?"

Jack's firm tone made Ianto's eyes meet his.

"Are you OK?", Jack asked again.

Ianto bit his lip, "I will be".

Jack nodded, "That I believe".

He gave Ianto a quick smile and gestured to a spare seat. Ianto read into the deeper meaning and sat down.

"Did you write in the book?", Jack asked casually.

Ianto nodded once, "Just a few notes".

"You'll fill it within two weeks", Jack informed him with a knowing look.

Ianto opened his mouth but Jack quickly cut him off.

"You don't have to if you don't want to", he added quickly, "I just thought it might help".

Ianto nodded slowly, "It might".

"You can write down happy memories about Lisa in it", Jack supplied quietly.

Thoughts about Lisa were far from his mind as he thought about his childhood.

He could finally write down his memories, separating the nightmares from reality.

"Thank you", Ianto got up and paused thoughtfully, "Jack".

Jack's smile turned into a grin, "Anytime Ianto".

Ianto wandered up to where he'd left his book in the small kitchen.

Retrieving it, he changed his course to the Boardroom, knowing he had about two hours before the rest of the team showed up.

He sat down and opened the book, closing his eyes he imagined Jack. His pensive gaze, charming smile and threatening glare.

Ianto's hand reached out and grabbed the pen. Poised over his book, Ianto began to write.

Will you stay?

Stay here with me

Stay till the darkness leaves

Will you hold my hand?

Hold me tight

Please don't leave me here alone

I know you're busy,

I know I'm just one

But you might be the only one who sees me

Why is it so hard?

Why can't they just take me?

I don't have long before I fade completely

Can you feel how cold I am?

Do you cry as I do?

How are you so strong?

So will you stay and hold my hand?

Will you see me and keep me warm?

Will you cry with me and keep me strong?

Will you help me keep my promise?

Ianto let his fingertips run over the last sentence. The promise. That was something Lisa and him had never talked about. It was a subject that they had a mutual understanding about but they never touched.

I walk with my head downcast. I pull at the cuffs of my jacket, trying to cover my wrists and yet another secret.

It's my 15 birthday and I'm off to meet Lisa at the movies.

She's standing outside in the cold for me and I hurry to her. We hug and exchange greetings.

"Happy Birthday" she smiles and kisses my cheek, holding out a lumpy package.

I flash her a grin and tear into my present. It's a beautiful new jumper, made of a dusty blue in the softest material I've ever felt.

Lisa bites her lip and watches for my reaction.

I grin wider and throw my arms around her.

"You're the best", I tell her.

She laughs, "Put it on".

I freeze. My long sleeve shirt underneath my jacket isn't quite long enough to cover my wrists.

Her smile drops slightly so I quickly take off my jacket and hand it over to her. As she's busy folding it I slip my new jumper on.

It fits perfectly and she smiles at me.

"It looks great", she tells me.

"Well, you have great tastes".

"I do, don't I?", she agrees, "So what are we going to see?".

I shrug and we begin to walk inside, "It depends what's on".

"I'm going to have to choose, aren't I?", Lisa sighs dramatically.

"Yup"

We stop below the flashing board that tells customers what movies are showing.

Lisa cranes her neck to look around, "It'd be helpful if they had a clock somewhere".

She reaches suddenly for my wrist and before I can get out of her grasp she pulls up my jumper to look at my watch.

It's not the timepiece on my wrist that catches her attention.

"What are these?"

Her voice is low and angry as she stares down at the scars.

I pull my arm out of her grip, "It's nothing".

Lisa grabs my arm back and runs her finger along the cuts. I flinch slightly and she frowns at me.

"Nothing?".

"I dropped a glass", I try feebly.

She reaches out and I don't move away as she grabs my other arm and pulls up the jumper. Tears fall down her cheeks as she looks at my wrists, scars on both of them.

"No you didn't", she says coldly.

"No, I didn't", I agree.

She sobs once, turns and, with my arms still in her grip, walks out of the cinema.

Once outside, she pushes me forcefully against the wall.

"Why?", she asks.

I shake my head, "I can't tell you".

She sobs again, "Why not?".

"I can't", I whisper, tears threatening to escape.

She raises her hand and I flinch but instead of pain my cheek feels warm as her hand gently cups it.

"Is it that bad that you can't tell me?", she asks through her tears.

I nod once and as she cries, tears leak out of my eyes and freeze on my cheeks.

"Why can't you tell me?", her voice rises slightly in distress, "Is it that bad that you can't tell me, Ianto? Why can't you tell me, sweetheart?".

We are both crying hard now and I reach out for her. She falls into my embrace and I hug her tightly to me.

"I'm sorry", I cry, "I'm so sorry".

Her hands encircle my wrists and she places kisses along the cuts.

"Promise me", she whispers, "Promise me you'll stay. Don't ever leave me".

"I promise", I murmur, "I promise".

She may have seen the scars on my wrists but at least she didn't see the bruises on my back and stomach, the ones I have no control over.

Lisa never found out the reason but Ianto kept his promise. But that never stopped his tad.