You may have clicked on this story simply because of the "WTF?!" factor present in the summary; yes, indeed, for here, "LxL" doesn't stand for "LxLight", or indeed, "LightxL".
It literally stands for "LxL". Or perhaps, within the context of this fic, to call it "LxRyuzaki" would be more accurate.
Yes, that still has a certain "WTF?!" factor present, huh?
You may have come across this "pairing" before, maybe not. The fact is, it does exist – it's just extremely rare and not very popular, probably because it doesn't make any sense.
My personal experience with it is near non-existent. I only accidentally stumbled onto a collection of three LxL fanart type thingies while on T'internet, which is when I discovered it, and have also since seen an icon on LJ featuring this "pairing". Otherwise… well, it's news to me too. I have never seen a fanfic or a doujin or anything…
The "Official Explanation" that embodies this pairing is that, particularly in the manga, L changes between the course of when he first appears (Volume I) and when he dies (Volume VII). It is actually fairly noticeable – me an' my homies noticed and vigorously discussed it, before I had come across this "pairing". We all know L's weird little quirks, like sitting in an odd manner and so forth – yet in Volume I he doesn't seem to possess any of the traits that people now associate him with. He sits normally, he stands up reasonably straight, he doesn't eat at all, his hair is very different (it's all kind of wild and wavy and totally in his eyes in Volume I, but dead straight and spiky from Volume II onwards) and he seems altogether a lot more relaxed and confident and kind of… normal? And in, contrast, Volumes II-VII depict him as… rather strange, to put it mildly.
So the pairing itself comes out of the two different "versions" of L – the original establishing version and the quirky cake-munching version. Yes, it's totally weird; and on that note, how come there is no LightxLight pairing that I've ever seen? You know, Kira-LightxNo-memories-Light.
Anyway, at first I was like "What the HELL?" and even now I guess I'm still like "What the HELL?" concerning LxL, but… the more I thought about it, the more I thought that it seems really interesting if you take it from a more metaphysical standpoint. Like, there aren't literally two Ls, but…
Well, I'm not going to explain. That's what the fic is for (oh, and anyone who knows about Beyond Birthday… we'll talk about him later…).
If you read that epic AN, thankyou muchly. Have a cookie.
Oh, and… yeah. This is posted for 5th November – Guy Fawkes' Day here in Britain, but also… the day L died (in 2004).
Self Abuse
III
Perhaps, for what it's worth, this could be diagnosed.
Is it some… Narcissus Effect? Self-worth; self-love; self-lust – every word spoken a love letter unto yourself.
Every sin, born of Dante's Hell; or maybe not some Italian masterwork, but Greek, like Narcissus himself. Pridegreedenvyslothgluttonywrathlust…
Is this nothing but bloodless doom; a curse? Narcissus – or some wicked fairytale queen, asking for the crown of the fairest in the land.
Must be hard, not to get swept away – for man's arrogance is oft born not of his own self-love, but the love of those around him, of the gifts and titles they offer. Worship is but a breeding ground, and the gifts…
Well, they can't have helped.
Was the price for those gifts paid? Perhaps, but…
The world's top three detectives. All of them. All at once.
It's certainly worth drowning in.
II
I caught him.
Not that it mattered now; Ryuzaki, or Ryuga, or Coil, or Deneuve… Whichever splinter of L that he chose to be today, regardless, stood at the window of his bedroom, hand pressed to the icy glass, as though to reach out and touch the glittering crown of jewels that was Tokyo, sprawled far below, alight beneath the ink sky and chill opal moon.
It was 11:57pm. 4th October. Cold out – there was frosted condensation on the outside of the window.
I caught him.
Ryuzaki's hand clenched into a fist against the glass; still Ryuzaki. He didn't feel like being L today. He hadn't felt like being L for weeks, months, perhaps even a year…?
Coil, Deneuve, L… Ryuzaki… They were all different. All him, but all different.
Perhaps it was that he didn't feel worthy of being L anymore – because L was unquestionably the greatest detective in the world, and for that reason had been brought in to catch Kira, and yet…
Ryuzaki found himself sort of… Kiraless.
Which meant that he couldn't be L.
He rubbed unconsciously at his right wrist – it felt naked now, after so long with the glinting silver band locked around it, keeping Light Yagami under lock and key 24/7.
I caught him.
And yet… where was the Yagami boy now? Set loose; free to go his own way, after being proven innocent by the rules of the Death Note found on Higuchi. Misa Amane, too.
The both of them; Kira, and the Second Kira, snatched from his grasp by a notebook. Like hourglass sand between his fingers.
Perhaps he was still in shock. This had never happened to him before. He'd never failed to solve a case, never caught the wrong suspect, and certainly never had a suspect taken from him…
No, not suspect; perpetrator. That bastard Yagami boy was Kira, Ryuzaki knew it – it was all too perfect, everything just fell into place too nicely…
He'd set it up, somehow, but… Ryuzaki was at a loss for what to do, finding himself unknowing of where to turn next. The entire investigation team seemed satisfied with the thirteen day rule as a means of clearing Light and Misa, and since Ryuzaki could not know if that rule – or any of the rules, or all of the rules – were fake, he no longer had any ground on which to stand regarding keeping them both under his surveillance.
That had never happened to him before either.
Or, at least, it had never happened to L.
Losing my edge, then…?
"No, you didn't lose it."
The answer came, even though he had not spoken; but then, that was to be expected.
"You cannot lose something you never had… Ryuzaki."
"L." Ryuzaki addressed the reflection cast in the dark window rather than the detective himself; the other side of him, the brilliant, wonderful side who never failed…
L, with wilder hair, and a lazy, confident smile; who stood with his hands in his pockets, slouch not nearly as prominent as that of Ryuzaki.
"It's a bit late for you to be coming back now," Ryuzaki went on softly. "He's gone. I couldn't keep him."
"No." L smirked. "That doesn't surprise me. Though, to be perfectly honest, Ryuzaki… I don't think you really tried your hardest."
"No, he… Yagami-kun, he set it up."
"Of course." L gave a small shake of his head, smirk ever-present. "I suppose I shouldn't have left you to cope on your own. You still have the intellect, but what are you without me, really? Not L, certainly. Who the hell is Ryuzaki supposed to be?"
Ryuzaki still didn't turn to him; ah, but this L side… He was cruel, doubtless, and unaffected.
It was not Ryuzaki, after all, who had sworn, in a tone so blasé, to send Kira to his execution – it was L.
Deneuve and Coil – they were nothing to do with Ryuzaki, really. They both came out of L.
Remove all three and you were left with Ryuga; Ryuzaki.
"I suppose you tried," L went on coldly, still smiling. "Trailing Light Yagami to To-Oh… I suppose that wasn't my job. L doesn't go to university – but Ryuga Hideki could, right? That was Ryuga's purpose, but Ryuzaki… I honestly think Ryuzaki is what is left, after you take away everything else. The freaky genius with all the oddball quirks."
L reached out, grabbed Ryuzaki by his shoulder and whipped him around; noting the fear suddenly in the dark eyes.
"You see," L whispered, "I can tell you where you went wrong, but first… Yes, you're afraid of me, Ryuzaki. You're afraid of L. Because L is so wonderful, and you're afraid of it, and you're in awe, and… well, it doesn't matter. The point is, Ryuzaki is the most natural part of us. "Ryuzaki" is just your little name for yourself, don't think I can't see it… I'm L, for fuck's sake…! The world's greatest detective, and I know that "Ryuzaki" is L Lawliet. You've buried yourself for so long beneath the rest of us, and now… well, I think you've had too much of a taste of being yourself again. It's dangerous, Lawli. Being Lawliet is nothing but a death-wish – after all, isn't that what Kira wants? The name is all he needs, so he can write it down in his little notebook and kill you. Kill all of us."
L ran his fingertips down the side of Ryuzaki's face.
"Yes, I suppose I left you with no choice," he went on. "It's not really your fault, Lawli, but… you still screwed up."
"No, I almost—"
"Shut up." L titled his head with a smile. "L is talking."
He pushed Ryuzaki up against the window, as though to stop him talking again.
"Your biggest screw-up, Lawliet?" He leaned close, to breathe it in his ear. "Emotion."
And, on leaning back again, continued;
"Let's talk about Light Yagami, then. Ryuga found him, but you… you befriended him. You truly and honestly befriended him. I suppose you saw a lot of yourself in him, but… you befriended the suspect. To the extent, in fact, where you actually expressed a desire to be wrong in all of our suspicions, simply because you truly and honestly liked him."
"I didn't trust him…"
"Yes you did," L hissed. "You chained yourself to him, trusting that he wouldn't kill you, or torture your name from you…"
Apparently overtaken by a sudden spike in his temperament, L tossed Ryuzaki to the floor.
"You fool, Ryuzaki," he breathed, standing over him. "You could have gotten us all killed!"
"And where were you?!" Ryuzaki snapped, righting himself and sitting up. "You're the one who swore you were going to catch him!"
"Oh, come on…" L crouched down next him, smirk back in place. "L Lawliet's a weirdo, freakishly smart and born on Halloween and all, but even he can't be two people at once."
"Because you insist on separating yourself!"
"Lawli, I'm L. I'm everything we've ever worked for." L tilted his head. "How do you expect me to stand with everything we haven't?"
"But…" Ryuzaki looked at the floor for a moment, hating to be so weak in front of L; but what did he have left? "…I need you. Don't you see that? Without you… Kira got away."
"Yeah, I do, but…" L grasped the front of Ryuzaki's top – white, long-sleeved, identical to his own – and hauled him close. "…Honestly, I think you have bigger problems."
"Like what?" Ryuzaki hissed.
"Like this." L grabbed a handful of Ryuzaki's finer, straighter hair and ploughed their mouths together; holding him still while he took everything from him – every scrap of denial, and any trace of L left in there.
"You see?" L went on, abruptly releasing him; leaving him to gasp in breathless shock. "That only took you by surprise, but Ryuzaki… Lawliet… You're in love with me. That's part of the reason I didn't come back when I was needed to stop that Yagami bastard squirming free – I couldn't. You blocked me. You've grown so infatuated with L that you could not make room within yourself for L. I suppose it's natural – you were failing, which is something that I have never done, and so you began to admire me, far more than you should."
"I don't… love you!" Ryuzaki panted.
"Yes you do," L breathed lethally. "So much that you don't want to be L anymore. You want it like this – separate beings. So I can fuck you? Is that what you want? Exactly how screwed up are you, Lawli? I've heard of vanity, but—"
"And who are you to talk?!" Ryuzaki blazed. "You don't want to be L Lawliet anymore. You've forsaken that, haven't you? L is too good to remember that he's from Wammy's House, is that it?"
"Oh, Wammy's House. Do you think I would forget, when I still have Mello and Near to choose between?"
"You don't care about them, it's only… because they'll be L… when you die…!"
"When we die, Lawliet." L almost sounded pitying now, stroking Ryuzaki's cheek. "I know this isn't your fault. It's logical for L Lawliet to develop feelings for L, all things considered. L is everything that L Lawliet can never be – everything that he loves and admires."
"I love Mihael and Nate more than I'll ever love you," Ryuzaki hissed.
L smirked.
"Mail, too?"
"Yes. They're more important… all of them are more important than… than L!"
"Well, perhaps you love them more, but… I hate to break your heart, Lawli, but the person Mello, Near and Matt admire and want to be… is me. L. They want to be L."
Ryuzaki bit back his heated retort and looked fiercely away.
"I'm sorry," L said languidly.
"No, you're not."
"I am. We both know that L was created to protect L Lawliet. I haven't been doing that recently."
"And Kira got away."
"Yes. Though I might be able to corner the bastard again, if you let me have free rein."
"Become L again?"
"About time, don't you think?"
"I… I don't know."
"Lawliet…!" L grasped Ryuzaki's wrist and twisted it. "Carry on screwing up like you've been doing, and you're going to get us killed!"
"I don't think… there is anything you can do," Ryuzaki said softly. "The Shinigami is limited in her words, we have nothing more on Yagami-kun and Amane-san—"
"You're being too guarded. We have to attack."
"There's nothing to attack with!" Ryuzaki snapped.
"Ah, you doubt me?" As presumed, L's haughty words silenced Ryuzaki. "I thought not. There is no reason for you to, incidentally. Nobody has ever gotten away from me."
"You hate me, L," Ryuzaki said suddenly, his voice soft. "L Lawliet. You want to forget about me, forget about where you came from."
"I don't hate you," L corrected mildly. "You're just not important to me."
"Even if I… love you?"
"There is no "if" involved, Ryuzaki. Your love for L – for me – is unquestionable."
"Even if I refuse to let you take over again?"
"Would you be that stupid?" L breathed lethally. "Because I can already deduct your reason. If you become L, then you will no longer be of the detached state of mind which allows you to love L. You'd honestly compromise the recapture of Kira to secure a bizarre infatuation with a part of yourself?"
"It isn't… it—"
"Who do you think you're lying to?" L seethed. "Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness, but to lie to me, thinking I wouldn't fucking know…? I think you've lost it, Lawli. You've let the emotions in, after we all worked so hard to stamp them out…"
He grasped a handful of Ryuzaki's fine hair, twisting it painfully.
"Emotions are weakness. You know that. They force you to let your guard down, and then you'll be destroyed. Look at you. Those lying bastards, huh, saying they were your friends? Yagami and Amane, when all along they've been scheming together behind your back. Oh, we have no proof, Lawli, but we know, don't we? They'll kill us the first chance they get – and you're going to give them that chance, you stupid fool."
He let go of Ryuzaki's hair, shoving him close to the floor.
"This is why we've never had friends, Ryuzaki. You used to know that. Even at Wammy's, you never longed for a friend. What has happened to you? How far have you broken apart from me, and Coil, and Deneuve? When did you become so weak?"
"I'm not weak!" Ryuzaki said angrily, pushing himself upright again.
"Maybe not, then," L agreed lazily, grasping Ryuzaki's shoulders. "Maybe you've just finally gone mad."
He kissed the other half of him again, holding his shoulders tightly; the kiss more cutting still than any of his words.
"This is madness, Lawliet," he whispered on pulling back. "We're two people now, instead of one. How many of us altogether? Five, Lawli? Six? No wonder your mind has splintered like this. You don't know exactly who you are anymore, and now you want a part of yourself to save you. I cannot love you, you know. I do not know how, and even if I did… we're the same goddamn person. I know it doesn't seem that way anymore, but it's the truth."
"No…!" Ryuzaki cried, suddenly desperate as he clawed upwards at L. "We're not, I can't… Kira is going to get away if you don't do something, L…! You're better than me, you always… you were always…"
"Poor Lawliet." L smirked, touching his face. "I suppose it was only a matter of time before you went mad. Orphan, born on Halloween… Kind of comes with the territory, I suppose."
"I'm not mad!"
"Well, perhaps "mad" isn't quite the correct word…" L's nails ran over Ryuzaki's cheek. "Split, perhaps? Do you prefer that?"
"Are you going to do something or not?" Ryuzaki hissed.
"Do something? About what?"
"Kira."
"Later, perhaps. If you let me."
"If… if you don't, I think… we're going to die soon…"
"Yes. That would be inconvenient." L gripped Ryuzaki's elbow and hauled him to his feet. "Come on, get up."
"Where are we going?"
"Nowhere, but… I suppose I can't leave you like this, all moping and miserable." He shoved Ryuzaki in the back, knocking him off balance onto the covers of the bed. "I don't love you, Lawli, but I guess I can give you what you want. It won't cost me anything…"
"I want nothing from you."
"Ah, you're lying again. Do you know how I know?" L got onto the sheets as well, straddling Ryuzaki's stomach and reaching down to sink his long fingers into the depths of straight ebony hair; noting that his other half merely breathed shallowly, offering no retaliation whatsoever. "Because I'm you. You're me. I know you don't want that anymore, but it's inescapable. You had ideas, you had intelligence… You wanted to be a detective, and I'm the result. You can't just toss me away – I'll always be here, even if you refuse to be me."
"But… this isn't…"
"No. I know." L smiled indulgently. "I think I must be dangerous. As L, I mean. So many admirers, willing to throw everything aside just to love and be loved by L… Mello, Near, Matt… Beyond Birthday, do you remember…? And now you. Even you. Even the original L Lawliet has become fixated by L – by his own alter-ego."
"I'm… sorry…"
"No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for you. You're hurting yourself. There is nothing to gain from this love. It must hurt so much."
"I can't… help it."
"I know. That's why you're so pathetic, Lawli." L pulled Ryuzaki up towards him to take a third kiss from his breathless lips; holding him up, hands in his hair, though he still pinned him to the bed. And then, on breaking it, whispered; "You can't help anything anymore…"
L sat back on Ryuzaki, as though debating. L had none of Ryuzaki's quirks – he didn't chew at his thumb while deep in thought, nor did he gaze wide-eyed at the ceiling.
Anyone who knew Ryuzaki as "L" would probably not recognise the true L, then. The reckless part who had sworn death to Kira seem incomparable to the tea-sipping part who freely announced that he hoped he would be proven wrong about Light Yagami.
"Here, then." L came to a decision and reached down for the zipper of Ryuzaki's jeans. "I'm L. I'm known for results. I wouldn't disappoint you, Ryuzaki."
"I never… asked for this…"
"No, but I know you want it." Short work was made of the button and zip. "I know everything you want. It's ridiculous to suppose that I wouldn't."
"But you… you don't want it…"
"No." L pulled down Ryuzaki's jeans. "I don't want anything. I don't feel anything. The only thing that matters to L is Justice. That is the foundation on which I was created, by you. I care about nothing but justice. I told you, Lawli. I don't care about you. I don't care about you at all. To love anything is not my place, or my purpose. It's nothing personal. I hope you understand."
"Then why… are you…?"
"Aren't I obliged? L replied dully, all but ignoring Ryuzaki's breathless interjections. "I was created because of your desire. If you had chosen to pursue another profession, there would be no L. For my existence, I think then that I owe you whatever you might wish from me."
He pulled down his shorts and began to stroke him, his expression utterly unchanging; a small, uninterested smirk. Ryuzaki twisted on the bedsheets, at first thinking it astounding that L should know exactly how he liked to be touched, but then realising…
"Technically, this is just masturbation," L pointed out drolly. "The fact that you seem to be enjoying it so much is really rather worrying, Ryuzaki."
Ryuzaki only groaned in reply, because it was L and L made it feel infinitely better…
"Your problem is apparently very deeply-rooted, then," L went on emotionlessly; he reached down and grasped Ryuzaki under his back, lifting him upright into the sitting position that he far from favoured. "You're getting an unspeakable amount of pleasure from this, because you know it's your own hand. That's disturbing."
"No… yours…"
"We're the same person, Lawli." L only tilted his head when he felt Ryuzaki begin to bite at his shoulder, moaning under his breath; still duly stroking at him, the action igniting no fire within L himself. "I think Kira has driven you insane."
"N-no, I…"
"It's okay. It doesn't matter anyway." L suddenly shoved Ryuzaki back to the mattress. "I suppose you'd have to be insane to chase Kira in the first place…"
"What… are you—?" Ryuzaki got no further as L shoved his face against the sheets and angled him.
"Giving you what you want, you little freak." And against all boundaries, L entered him with a sudden hard thrust. "And this is what you want, isn't it? It's okay, you can confess. It'll only be admitting it to yourself anyway…"
Ryuzaki gave a strangled gasp, clutching at handfuls of the bedsheets; and managed to nod, even though this entire situation made his head spin, and feel like it was slowly being split in two.
"I suppose… you're wondering…" L panted between thrusts, "how the hell… this all works…"
L gave another silent nod, gritting his teeth.
"I don't know. I don't… know." L shook his head a few times, though it did nothing to remove the wild tangle of hair over his eyes. "I suppose… it's like the logic… of a notebook that… can kill people…"
"Broken… logic…"
"Exactly."
Ryuzaki rested his forehead against the sheets, breathless; orgasm fast and intense, like being hit over the head with a brick. And despite the situation, it was no more profound than usual – just the regular la petite mort.
"That's a compliment?" L commented coolly, pausing.
Ryuzaki gave a groan, collapsing completely on the mattress; overwhelmed by exhaustion and by the bent reality of all this, and yet it was a bent reality that seemed normal, as far as a world with the existence of killer notebooks went…
Whether L came or simply lost interest after that, Ryuzaki did not know; he couldn't really feel anything anymore, though he felt the other, stronger half of him lie on top of him after a long while.
"You're… you're still… inside me?" He asked faintly.
"Yes."
"Good…" Ryuzaki's eyes slid completely closed as he still fought to regain his normal breathing pattern. "Please stay that way."
And L, being Ryuzaki – and Ryuzaki, being L – knew what that meant; far indeed from referencing the bizarre, loveless sex.
"You have sentenced us to death, then," L whispered emotionlessly.
Ryuzaki – L Lawliet – did not reply; because, almost asleep, he knew, being L…
…that L was right.
—
Narcissus had drowned on gazing too longingly at his reflection in a lake; and when L awoke from his own drowning, he found himself alone on the bed, the room still dark.
He was L – and he was Ryuzaki.
This was the truth – they were not separate entities, capable of talking and arguing and kissing…
L was inside, where he belonged; sharing one real body with the part of L Lawliet that loved him.
L found his jeans and shorts around his ankles and the sheets wet, and cursed "God damn it…" to the empty room, even though there was no-one to hear him.
I am mad, then, it seems…
He couldn't bear to even lift his head; and only turned it and looked across to the bedside to read the clock, lit green with the time and date.
03:17am
Friday, 5th November, 2004
L was right about a lot of things; and altogether, in this one body, where all the little splinters belonged, L did not know whether that death conviction was true, brought on by his foolish friendships with Yagami-kun and Amane-san, but…
Yes. Yes, it hurt.
It hurt unbearably, to love a part of yourself. Some would believe it wonderful, to be so confident in yourself that you could fall in love, but it wasn't wonderful at all.
It hurt, because the "person" you loved simply couldn't give you a reason why you shouldn't.
It was nothing but a dead end; deathless despair; utter, endless torment in Dante's Hell.
But then again… maybe I've already drowned.
I
When Chief Yagami returned from the hospital room, to find his team and his son sitting about on plastic hospital chairs, he only looked away from their hopeful glances, and said nothing more than what was fact:
"Ryuzaki is dead."
—
Mello and Near – Mihael Keehl and Nate River – knew something was wrong; Roger could tell by the way in which Mello's eyes darted around the office, and Near… well, Near just knew.
So he only bowed his head and laced his fingers and told them the truth;
"L is dead."
First of all: Narroch. How I laughed, my dear. How I laughed when I showed you that LxL picture.
Because this was already written by that point. And AutumnDynasty... yeah, I wasn't kidding.
Secondly… Okay, let's talk about Beyond Birthday. :)
You may not know WTF I'm talking about when I say "Beyond Birthday"; or, alternately, you may be squee-ing and pointing at your computer screen going "OMFG!!!!111! Someone else who knows who BB is!!!111!".
To be frank, this time last week… I had no clue. I didn't even know Beyond Birthday existed. On receiving a review on LJ for The Sin of Defiance mentioning "BB", Narroch and I were like "What the hell…? Beast Boy?". But, well, I was intrigued, so I did a little research, and now I know who he is, and, well, I wrote this fic before I knew who he was, though it does make me wonder if BB himself was created out of LxL (or perhaps vice-versa?). I went back to this and tossed in a reference to BB because it was fitting.
For those who don't know, Beyond Birthday is a character from the new Death Note novel being released in English in February 2008, entitled Another Note. The novel is narrated by Mello (!) and tells the tale of that pre-Kira Los Angeles case on which L and Naomi Misora worked together. As far as I can tell, Beyond Birthday is the homicidal nut-job they're attempting to catch, but… BB's quirks?
He's a former Wammy's House resident and another L hopeful, though I presume he is much older than Mello, Near and Matt. The two main differences between BB and MNM are that:
ONE: BB was apparently born with Shinigami Eyes (no clue, don't ask…)
TWO: BB is obsessed with L, to the point where he fashions himself to look identical to him, hair, clothes and all…
So in short he's like some homicidal identical twin of L's with Shinigami Eyes. Awesome. :D
Anyway, apparently BBxL is becoming quite a popular pairing amongst those who have read the novel (in Japan, presumably) and I just found it amusing that I discovered it after hopping onto LxL…
It's practically the same thing, non?
Anywayz… hope yallz enjoying that mind-fuck-fest… I know it's weird, to put it mildly…
(P.S: 5th November, 2004, was a Friday. I checked back. :D)