House MD
A Disease Made Them Do It (or, When Rabid Fangirls Attack)
By. Cecilia Evans
AN: This was written by my 12-year-old cousin. She doesn't have a computer of her own. (Nor would her mother approve of her writing things like this at her age.)
Warning: Do NOT, repeat NOT read her fics while eating or drinking.
"I've got a patient for you." Cuddy said without preamble, walking into House's office and dropping a file onto his desk.
He barely glanced up from his Gameboy for a second. "Not interested."
"I don't care."
House pointedly ignored her, watching the tiny figures on the screen avidly. Cuddy sighed and plucked the game from his hands.
"Hey!" He protested. "I just got to level five."
"Patient. Now." She said firmly.
He stared at her for a moment then sighed and rolled his eyes. "Yes, mom."
Cuddy shook her head. "You can have this-" She held up the gameboy, "-back when you've cured her."
"Symptoms." He demanded, looking blandly at his ducklings.
"Did you even read the file Cuddy gave you?"
"Of course not," he said, sounding scandalized. "What would be the fun in that?" He tapped the whiteboard expectantly and raised his eyebrows.
"Patient is sixteen years old, female, five and a half feet tall, weighs 111 pounds." Foreman recited. "She walked into the hospital, asked for you and Doctor Wilson by name, then attached herself to the arm of one of the nurses and was sedated."
House raised his eyebrows. "Interesting. She asked for Wilson too?"
"Apparently."
"Wilson is head of Oncology. Did anyone think to check for cancer?"
"She doesn't have cancer." Foreman said, rolling his eyes.
"Did you check?"
"Its not cancer."
"Fine, its not cancer." He shrugged. "I'm still waiting on those symptoms."
"Low heart rate and breathing."
"Listlessness. Refusal to eat."
"Glazed eyes. Doesn't make eye contact."
"Increased hormone production?" House guessed, capping his marker.
Chase nodded in affirmation.
"Its advanced RF(H)SS."
"Its what?" Cameron asked.
"Nevermind. Cameron, go blindfold the patient. Chase, find Wilson and have him meet me in the patients room. Foreman go. . .do something useful." He looked at their confused faces for a minute, then made suggestive shooing motions toward the door. "Go." As they filed out he had a sudden thought. "Hey."
"Room 613." Foreman said without looking back.
House smirked and limped off toward the room.
"This had better be important." Wilson said.
House jerked his thumb at the door of the patients room. "She has RF(H)SS."
"And. . .? Should I know what that means?"
"Rabid Fangirl (Houson) Shipping Syndrome." House explained.
Wilson blinked. "And that means?"
"She needs to watch us make out. In the next ten minutes. Or her head will explode."
"That's ridiculous!"
"Tell that to her."
"Completely and utterly ridiculous." Wilson repeated.
"Are you going to help me cure her or not?"
Wilson looked at House for a moment, then shrugged. "Yeah, okay. Why not."
"Thats what I thought. Come on." He swept into the room. "Hello. . .?" He glanced quizzically at Cameron.
"Nanda Cooper."
"Nanda? What kind of name is Nanda?"
Cameron rolled her eyes.
"Remove the blindfold." House ordered. Cameron did so slowly, then set it on the side of the patients bed. "Hello, Nanda, I'm Doctor House." Nanda's eyes snapped up to look at him. "Watch closely." He told her, before grabbing Wilson by the tie and pulling him into an incredibly hot kiss.
Cameron's gasp of horror was cut off by the door slamming as Chase and Foreman (who had only just showed up), fled. House glanced over at Nanda when he finally released Wilson. Her eyes were bright and she stared intently at the two of them, her mouth curled upward in a hideously wide grin. But she didn't show any sign of moving.
"You need to respond or it isn't going to work." He told Wilson quickly, yanking him in for another kiss. This time the other man took a bit of initiative, forcing his tongue past House's willingly parted lips. Without warning he stepped closer, pushing their lower bodies together.
"Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Nanda yelled loudly, then dissolved into giggles.
House pulled away from Wilson. "She'll be fine," he said slightly breathlessly to the shell-shocked Cameron. "Escort her to the lobby."
As soon as the door clicked shut behind the two women House sagged against the wall. "Damn. No wonder you've had so many wives."
Wilson smirked.
Epilogue #1
Later that night, Wilson lay curled against House's side, his head resting on the other man's shoulder. He traced lazy circles on House's chest, while House's fingers wove through his hair.
"There's no such think as RF(H)SS." He said idly.
"I know." House said smugly.
"What did she really have?"
"Fifty bucks and a chance to see two hot men make out."
"You don't have fifty bucks." Wilson remarked curiously.
"Neither do you. Remind me to give you your wallet back tomorrow."
Wilson sighed.
Epilogue #2
Later that night, Wilson lay curled against House's side, his head resting on the older man's chest. House's fingers weaved idly through his hair, lulling him deeper into the post-coital haze.
"Hey, House?" He said suddenly, struck by a sudden thought.
House made a non-committal noise, which Wilson took as permission to continue.
"How many people did that girl come into contact with before we cured her?"
"Dunno. A few nurses. Cameron. Why?" House asked sleepily.
"Is RF(H)SS contagious?"