Voldemort's List of Evil Overlord No Nos
Voldemort is an Evil Overlord who becomes obsessed with science fiction. He sees similarites between himself and several other Overlords. To prevent his downfall, he asks Remus Lupin, Harry Potter, and Sirius Black to each compile a list of things the Overlords should not, or should have done. They understand why he wants the lists, and "accidentally" slip in some of his faults as well. Lupin's List is an admirable 12 rules long.
Rule #1) DO NOT, and I mean DO NOT kill hero's parent's, family, friends, and hometowns' people. This tends to anger them, and give them reason to stalk you.
#2) Hire team of five year olds to analyze plans. When the huge flaws in your plan are announced by a hero, you are embarrassed in front of your minions.
#3) If you want something important done, don't let your trusted servants do it, they will invariably screw up.
#4) When heroes ask for a last wish, or to say one last thing, no matter how cliche, DO NOT GRANT THEIR REQUEST. They will get free while you listen to them rant.
#5) Explaining your evil plot to the hero, especially while they still have time to save the day is relieving, but allows them to escape while you rant.
#6) Murder hero and burn the body. Do this personally, and watch the body turn to ash before making any other moves. Pre-death celebrations are ideal locations for ambushes
#7) When you have the defenders wand, break it before they can get it back.
#8) People do not respect you, they fear you. Do not expect loyalty when you need it most.
#9) When you have a doomsday plan, do not include a self destruct button. If said button is needed, it will not be neon, nor will it be in a glass case, nor will it say do not press. There will be no need for anyone but you to touch the doomsday machine, so that is NOT an excuse.
#10) To create your doomsday plan/device, do it yourself. In the case that an evil genius is needed, be positive that he cannot tamper with it in any way, and immediately use #6 on him to eliminate the variable
#11) Should you feel the inexplicable, cliche, need to wait before marrying, or doing anything else that a hero could possibly intervene with, deny it, and do that thing immediately.
#12) Install bathrooms on or in anything you will have to use for a prolonged time. The best plans have been foiled because of the necessities of life.
Sirius, in an awful attempt at being original, admirably tried to not copy off Lupin. He didn't end up copying Lupin at all, but simply dug up an old journal of Lily's, because he remembered a time when she had gotten frustrated with people's stupidity, and wrote down all the should'ves. Padfoot's List Full of Death Threats is shorter, probably due to the fact that Harry walked by and translated the threats for Ikkle Padikins.
1) People should think before they speak. Being an antagonist and reminding others of their loneliness just provokes a larger attack.
2) Randomly shouted words confuse people, as normal beings do not understand the meaning of the word 'xenophobic'
3) Journals should not be read, and the wrath of the dead CAN be incurred on abnormally large, black dogs, by the name of Padfoot, or anyone else for that matter
4) Restless spirits killed in battle often come back to haunt people, as certain seers would know
5) A certain soon to be GOLDEN labrator retriever should stop reading before they hurt their precious puppy eyes that have never worked on me
6) I'm immune to animal eyes of all kind, so don't even THINK of transfiguration.
While Remus tried desperately to pry Sirius out from under his bed, Harry compiled his list. Harry's List was, as the hero's, longest. He and Remus definitely agreed on some points.
1 Cockiness, while fun, allows your concentration to slip. Don't relax, even when all your enemies are supposedly gone
2 Don't let your weaker enemies live 'out of your benevolence' they CAN rise up and kill you
3 Having an MO is comforting, but you are not autistic, and change confuses the enemy
4 If you have the 'insolent brat' under your thumb, don't let them fight or have a chance, it's cliche and unnecessary risk
5 When the hero bravely says, 'will you fight me one on one like a man, or are you too scared to fight me on your own' do not react to the jibe. Instead, respond, 'I'm no coward, I'm just smart' and leave
6 Cliches are overrated. You don't need them to be evil. The possessed pet is not cool, just annoying. Last words are out of style, and they waste time
7 Time bombs leave too much time to be deactivated. If you have to set one, make it go off at the two minute mark. The hero will have just arrived, and BOOM
8 When you have gaping holes in your plans that a five year old could see, get smart and hire some kid to fix your plans
9 the simpler the plan, the less there is to screw up. No more need be said
10 Bravado is nice, but mind readers can see right through it. Never be out of options, because if your screwed, even magic won't save you
11 Trickery and needless murder incense heroes. Nothing gets their blood boiling better, and hotheaded morons who storm the fortress tend to succeed out of sheer idiocy
12 Prolonged death and torture may give you pleasure, but it gives people a chance to escape
13 Second in commands can't be trusted, at all. Do everything yourself, or you will get screwed over
14 Minions are slow, but that means that they don't know what your master plan is, don't kill them off too quickly
15 Do not declare yourself a dictator. Make it look like you are benevolent and kind. People won't revolt, and they might actually gain respect for you.
Harry had to stop at that point, and the lists were read to Voldemort, who fell over when he heard Harry's. "Wait, you're actually HELPING me?"
Freezing mid-sentence, Harry glared at Voldemort. "You will keep making idiotic mistakes and I will keep winning on idiocy and luck, just don't tell Hermione, she'll point out everything I've purposely ommitted. Oh, crap. Yeah, there's one more. When you try to use hostages and the hero's 'ultimate weakness' the hero tends to fight like a cornered, caged animal. Much more dangerous than just pissed, or passive. Um, I'm done talking now."
Remus laughed as Voldemort fell back over when Harry ran out and straight into Snape. "REMUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sirius' anguished wail was followed by a thud and groan.
Then, Lily Evans' ghost appeared, and looked coldly at Remus, "Oh yeah Lil, I'll burn your stuff so Pads can't get it. Well that journal was so burnt that Paddy could read every bleeding word!"
Remus yelped, "MEEP! SEVERUS HIDE MEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Snape fell over again as Remus, Sirius, Voldemort, and Harry all tried to hide from Lily behind him. Snape got to his feet, only to be knocked over in a bear hug from Lily, "Hi, Sev!"
Groaning, Snape fell in a dead faint, and Lily straighten. Voldemort, seeing that Lily was no longer in a rage, remarked, "I always wondered when the stress would catch up to him. How's Heaven, Lily?"
Lily turned, "Oh, fine, thank you. I always wondered the same thing, you know. Harry and Lupin are next. Sirius is already under the bed again. Would you do the honors on him for me? Harry needs you to do something crazy so he can escape and have Hermione make a plan to rescue Sirius that he will completely disregard in the end and let testosterone and adrenaline run him."
Amiably, Voldemort nodded, "Of course Lils. Lovely to see you again. Do feel free to drop by again any time you like. Good day, oh and Potter, you're a teenage, insolent brat. The one word makes it trademark.
Harry, halfway through the door muttered, "Cliche screws every plan over, Tommy."
Voldemort called, "I'm pretending I didn't hear that for your mother's sake."
As the two enemies headed in opposite directions, still calling things at each other, Lily shook her head and sighed as she went back up to Heaven, "Boys, boys, they never do learn."