Loneliness.
There was no regret. There were no awkward situations.
There was only Kaoru.
There was only Kyouya.
And there was the loneliness.
According to Kaoru, they were just trying to forget the pain. Kyouya liked to believe that. They weren't in love. They weren't meant to love. They were just forgetting the pain. Love wasn't their reason. Just to put a halt to that endless pain.
According to Kyouya, they were just lying to themselves, but he never spoke that out loud. They were just waiting for the crash, for that door to open and that scream that filled the room after. They were just waiting for another end, another thing to stop the pain they brought up to themselves.
It were Kaoru's words that broke through the silence every time. It were his words that brought them to this. It was that gift he had, to pour his emotions down in fluent words, making the most beautiful phrases. It was him who always said something, it was him who always knew what to say.
It was Kyouya's silence that always made him speak. It was the way he didn't need to say anything. It was his gift, to just sit there and say nothing, but still so obviously being there. It was always him who remembered the younger boy of the world. It was always him that took control when the boy started to loose it.
There was no explanation. There was no love.
There was only the boy in control.
There was only the boy who begged him silently to loose it.
And there was the loneliness.
Kaoru wasn't in love with Kyouya.
Because Kaoru, or so he said, was merely an extension from his brother's soul. He was his shadow, his toy. He was nothing more then the wind in his hair. He was always there. And he couldn't let go. He was too weak and too fragile to let go. A shadow is nothing without the sun. And Hikaru was Kaoru's sun. No matter what, he'd love his brother. There was just no other way, just nothing else. It was the way his life was meant to be lived. He and his brother weren't one, yes, he was aware of that, but they were so close connected the one couldn't be without the other. Even when he was alone now his brother was busy with the brown haired girl, he couldn't cut the connections loose. It just didn't work that way. He was a sleeping beauty, knowing that he'd never wake from his nightmare.
Kyouya wasn't in love with Kaoru.
Because Kyouya, or so he said, was just a chess-piece in that cruel game called life. He was meant to obey. He was selfish. No, love wasn't anything for him. He needed control, needed distance. He just used the younger boy to forget the pain for a few moments. He had no will, no opinion other then the one that brought the most merit out of the situation. One girl, one boy, one order was enough to make everything different. He was unpredictable, not worth any trust. He was a prince, waiting around to wake a sleeping beauty, knowing that his happy ending wouldn't come.
Kaoru's playful looks and happy smiles and his damn selflessness hadn't any effect on Kyouya.
No, it didn't matter. Kyouya just watched the boy to make sure he wasn't doing anything weird. He was just keeping an eye on him, because you never know what those Hitachiin twins might do. He wasn't looking at him because the way his full, red lips curled up in a happy smile, became more beautiful everyday. He wasn't looking at him, because suddenly his movements were speaking of so much grace and unspoken sadness that it took his breath away. He wasn't looking at him because there was something so captivating about the younger Hitachiin twin. He was only looking at him because of a reason he forgot.
Kyouya's hidden kindness and unspoken grace and his false selfishness hadn't any effect on Kaoru.
No, it was just that Kaoru had to talk to someone when Hikaru wasn't around. It was just coincidence that he always ran back to Kyouya and that he always smiled at him. It wasn't because there was something addicting to his cold way of treating him. It wasn't because his subtle kindness became clearer and clearer everyday. It wasn't because the way he spoke was always so that you could attach your own meaning to it. He didn't need to talk to him. He didn't like being with him more then he should. And if his brother looked back at him, then he'd be on his feet in a second and chasing his brother again. Then he'd be a shadow again.
There was no light at the end of the tunnel. There was no waterfall of sweet words. There was no mending their broken hearts.
There was only the boy who was nothing but a shadow.
There was only the boy who pulled the strings in the dark.
And there was the loneliness.
Kaoru thought he could be anything if he only tried. He believed in happy endings and in fairytales. He laughed because he was happy and he danced through his life, even now, when it hurt him so much.
Kyouya thought he couldn't be anything, even if he tried. He believed he was trapped inside a cage that was built up from the day he was born. He laughed because people like people who laugh. He walked through his life, steady and proudly, even when he was ashamed of its emptiness.
Kaoru said he wasn't lying to himself. Kaoru said he didn't need Kyouya. Kaoru only needed his brother.
Kyouya said nothing at all. Kyouya needed something he couldn't name. But it wasn't Kaoru: that much was sure.
There were no shared touches and no lingering looks. There were no butterflies, swimming through their stomachs. There were no hints, no playful phrases.
There was only the auburn haired boy, looking through the window.
There was only the dark haired boy, typing on his laptop.
And there was the loneliness.
That nagging loneliness that brought them here in the first place. They were alone. They were alone, even when they were together. They were alone even if they were surrounded by the whole world. They would always be alone. They couldn't ever be not alone.
If Kyouya would believe Kaoru, then he'd believe they were the same. That they were equally hurt and equally screwed up. Then he'd believe that faith brought them together, because they were more alike then he and his brother were. That all happened recently, he admitted though, but there was one difference between his brother and him that made them different. Because his twin believed in love. And in happy endings. And he didn't anymore. He believed in fairytales, but knew they weren't true. He wasn't waiting on his anymore. He was a sleeping beauty without a change of ever waking up. He just slumbered through his life, dreaming his life away. Dreaming of better days and love. But he didn't life his dreams. He dreamed his life.
And Kyouya believed him, even when it was just a little and he would never admit.
If Kaoru would believe Kyouya, then he'd believe they were completely different. That they were hurt in different ways and that the reason behind being who they were, were completely different. Then he'd believe that they could never be the same because their foundations were both cracked, but just different. Kaoru lost love, was kicked out of his own world, just to find himself falling into another one. Kyouya, however, never felt love. He didn't lose it. He just couldn't reach it.
And Kaoru believed him, even when it was just a little and he would never admit.
They couldn't decide which one was hurt the most. They couldn't decide who started with this. They couldn't decide when moment it actually was they broke. They couldn't make the other stop, didn't want to. They couldn't stop themselves from doing this.
And when the door closed and everyone was gone and they were alone, alone and together, sleeping beauty woke up and the prince started his happy ending. Then Kaoru stood up, without a word and walked up to him, sitting next to him. Then he replaced the pain of losing his twin by the pain of replacing his brother. Then he took of the other boy's glasses and laid them neatly on the table. He got rid of the laptop as well.
And then they kissed.
It wasn't Kaoru who started it, he'd playfully laugh after.
It wasn't Kyouya who started it, the dark answer would come after.
But for now, both didn't really care. Bodies were pressed against each other. Clothes were in the way and got tossed aside. Kisses lowered, hands followed. Clothes were once again in the way and got tossed aside just as quickly.
Kaoru's kisses were warm and comforting. His kisses possessed a certain fire that seemed to fade everything else on the world away. His kisses made Kyouya's body shiver and he couldn't resist. His kisses were always on the right places, teasing him, daring him to push it further, begging him to loose control. His kisses were full of passion, love and pain.
And more and more Kyouya longed for Kaoru's kisses. More and more Kyouya longed for Kaoru.
Kyouya's kisses were calculated. His kisses possessed an addicting coldness that made Kaoru's body shiver. His kisses always took control of him. His kisses once again showed that hidden kindness, that warmth the cold prince possessed. His kisses became hotter and hotter until they made Kaoru moan.
And more and more Kaoru longed for Kyouya's kisses. More and more Kaoru longed for Kyouya.
There was no silence anymore. There were no thoughts and no pain.
There was only the moaning of that name.
There was only the admonishing voice telling them to stop.
And there was the loneliness, still.
Hand clenched around shoulders, pushing the other boy closer. Names where whispered in the air, just loud enough for the other to hear. Kaoru tossed his head to one side and to another and Kyouya watched him slowly loose it. It wasn't that he loved the younger boy, it was just that he loved watching him. He just loved controlling him. He hated the control Kaoru had over him, however. But it was a risk to take, a needed sacrifice.
It was after they laid there for a while, both too exhausted to do anything, that the loneliness returned. And it hit them harsher, harder and bitterer than it did before. Because when the door closed once more, sleeping beauty's nightmare continued and the prince's happy ending was shattered in pieces. They didn't stop anything. The pain was only forgotten temporary. When the door closed, they were alone once again and they pretended nothing ever happened.
Kaoru knew he was nothing more then a toy to Kyouya. Just a way to make the pain stop, to scream in all silence that he could do something on his own, without thinking of the rules. He was just a tool to get his mind on something else.
And less and less Kaoru cared.
Because more and more Kyouya started to care about Kaoru, without admitting.
Kyouya knew he was only replacement for Hikaru to Kaoru. He was nothing more then a way to make the other twin jealous, to make Kaoru feel like he didn't need him. He was just the microphone that made Kaoru scream in his brother's face that really, he could live without him.
And less and less Kyouya cared.
Because more and more Kaoru started to care about Kyouya, without admitting.
Kaoru didn't know when it happened, even less why. Or how. It just happened. One day while the door was closed and sleeping beauty woke up again, he didn't think about his brother anymore. He didn't want to scream in his face that he didn't need him, because for the first time, he didn't. He didn't want to stop the pain, because it was slowly fading from itself. But still their game continued. But still he wasn't in love. He couldn't be in love. Because love was a lie.
Maybe Kaoru was just addicted to Kyouya.
Kyouya didn't know when it happened, even less why. Or how. But one day, he couldn't seem to get the boy out of his head anymore. When he came home, he thought of him, when he went to bed, he dreamed of him, when school started he hoped to catch a glimpse of him. And he couldn't end their game anymore, he couldn't take control. The strings slipped out of his hands and he never even noticed. But still he wasn't in love. He couldn't be in love. He couldn't reach it and he never would.
Maybe Kyouya was just addicted to Kaoru.
And there was no end, no escape. There was no medicine that could heal them.
There was only the lonely twin, ripped apart from his other half, addicted to the cold.
There was only the lonely boy, trapped inside a cage, his wings broken, addicted to the warmth.
And there was the loneliness.
And less and less Kyouya became replacement for his brother. Less and less Kaoru though of his brother. Less and less there was that awful, stinging pain. More and more he just wanted to be with him, just talk to him, just get to know him. Everyday it grew a little, that feeling in his chest, that feeling that it would be alright. Everyday he forgot his brother a little less and he thought of Kyouya a little more.
… Maybe Kaoru did fall in love with Kyouya. But he wouldn't admit …
Kaoru couldn't.
And less and less Kaoru became a tool to stop the pain. Less and less Kyouya wanted to take control over his every action. Less and less there was that killing loneliness. More and more he just liked the way Kaoru talked, the way he cared for his brother, but didn't need him anymore. More and more he just loved the warmth he brought and the way his eyes sparkled when Hikaru finally acknowledge him again. Everyday it grew a little more, that feeling in his chest that he might've reached love after all that time.
… Maybe Kyouya did fall in love with Kaoru. But he wouldn't admit …
Kyouya couldn't.
Because if one of them did, the game would end. Then they would stop, because what never started couldn't end. They didn't want to hurt each other, didn't want to become serious. Because if it was only to stop the pain, what point had the feelings behind it? Sleeping beauty would be put in a dreadful sleep again and the prince would be a withering rose.
And there was no romantic confession. There was no knight on the back of his white horse, no poisoned apple.
There was only that feeling that grew every day.
There was only that smile that became more beautiful everyday.
And there was the loneliness.
It happened more and more. The kisses became hotter, wetter, more demanding. They didn't admit it. They never did. They didn't want this to end. The gates were still closed and the cage was still holding him inside. No once could save them. They couldn't save each other. They weren't counting on that, anyway. No, they've always knew.
Kaoru trusted Kyouya enough to let him take control over him. He trusted him enough to step outside the gates, leave that abandoned world behind him. Slowly, but surely, he gave him the power to became the sun, instead of the shadow. Kaoru knew that somehow it was Kyouya who was healing him once again.
It was Kyouya, who made him find out what love was.
Kyouya trusted Kaoru enough to let him lose a little of his precious control. He trusted him enough to show him his broken wings, to show him the cage he was trapped him. Slowly, but surely, Kaoru found his way to the key to open the door and set him free. Kyouya knew that somehow it was Kaoru who gave him another point of view.
It was Kaoru, who made him find out what love was.
Kaoru was the first the take it a little further. It was during the Host Club that he suddenly left the side of his precious twin and walked up to Kyouya. It was then that he wrapped his arms around his shoulders, just lightly, just friendly, but Kyouya knew the hidden message. He knew that he was asking for permission to take this a little further, just a little.
And there were weird looks. Frowned brows, giggles even. But they ignored that.
Kyouya was the first to allow Kaoru to take it a little further. Everyday a little further. It started with just looking over his shoulder as he typed, with just walking beside him, at a polite and respectable distance that was. Then Kaoru sat next to him, instead of next to Hikaru and then Kyouya talked to him first instead of Tamaki.
Yes, they were sure people were starting to get a clue. But they didn't care anymore.
It was on a night, a cold night, and Kaoru was the first to say it.
His eyes shined as he walked to him and sat down next to him. Leaning forward and kissing him, his hands moved up to play with his tie. Kyouya let him, not reacting, not pushing away. Kaoru backed down again, and his voice sounded sweet. It was raining outside and they were all alone in an empty room. No, they were together. And there was nothing holding him back for saying it anymore.
Kyouya still remembered that day. Kyouya still remembered that day Kaoru told him he loved him.
It was on a night, a cold night, and Kyouya was fast to answer it.
He stared for a few seconds at the boy. Walls crumbled down and the player of the game broke the most important rule. But he didn't scowl him. Maybe this was just inevitable. His lips curled in a smile and he pushed his glasses up again. The rain sounded soft and played its own beautiful music, but inside the sun broke through the heavy rain clouds. He never thought he'd say it, never though anyone would say it to him, but there was nothing that held him back from answering anymore.
Kaoru still remembered that day. Kaoru still remembered that day Kyouya told him he loved him back.
And there was no guilt, no sadness and there was no sorrow.
There was only the sleeping beauty, whose nightmare ended.
There was only the prince, whose happy ending began.
And there was the loneliness, still. But it was slowly fading.
Life got a new meaning. Sleeping beauty woke up, rescued by a prince. The happy ending could begin. It was during the Host Club that they couldn't care anymore if people knew. Kaoru walked up to Kyouya and sat down next to him. Without a further word, without a blush, he took his hand and entwined his fingers with him. Kyouya just smiled a little and then continued doing whatever he was doing. Giggles were heard, gasps and the weird looks of the other hosts were seen surely.
There was no replacement needed anymore. There was no tool needed anymore. There was no kiss, although it begged to be there.
There was only Kaoru, who finally became the sun without needing to be a shadow.
There was only Kyouya, who finally broke free from the cage he was born in.
And there was their happy ending.
... I told you I'm obsessed with KaoruxKyouya now! Can't help it! XD Now, I think this story is mainly about them kissing and stuff, but not admitting that they love each other. At first they didn't, just making the loneliness fade, but then they started to love each other for real. Uhm, yeah, it was also about how different they were, even if they are so much alike on some points XD That's why I always started with the same sentence, but then adjusted it to what Kaoru would think and what Kyouya would think... if anyone gets it? XD Well... I'm sorry for comparing Kaoru with a girl. I'm always doing that XD Really, I always compare him with flowers or girls or something girlie XD Poooor Kao-chan! And about Kyouya... I hope I captured his personality a bit well, because I never wrote about him before. Well, in One Last Love Story, but that's completely different. Oh, and I this was my first attempt at a fanfic where no one says a word XD I mean, not litteraly and no conversations. Just the mention of words, but nothing really. Hope you liked it XD I'll shut up for now and give your own interpretation about this fic.
Pleaaaaaaaaseeee R E V I E W! XD I really love reviews. They make me sooooooo happy! And if people like this, I might write another one like this!
- Jazyrha!