Breaking and Entering, part 1

Work… it had always been a huge part of his life. At times it had been his entire life. It made him happy. At least he always thought so. Until the day he met her. That was the first time he knew that he had never been truly happy. He was content, and he took pleasure in knowing that he was good at what he did, he liked his co-workers, but wasn't really close with any of them. Except maybe for Catherine. He couldn't really explain their relationship, but he could talk to her, and she talked to him. A bit too much sometimes, but still. And there was Jim. They didn't spend much time together, both being practically married to their jobs, but they were there for each other when it mattered. He knew that Jim just wanted to help him and be there for him, but right now he had no idea how to reach out and take the hands that people were reaching out to him. Not even Jims.

He knew they were all just trying to help, and they had all taken their turns. Jim, Catherine, Nick… but as soon as anyone spoke to him about her, it was all he could do not to break down right in front of them. There was no way he could let anyone in right now, because if he did, he wouldn't just be letting them in on how bad it was, he would have to admit it to himself…

So he did the only thing he knew how to do right now. He buried himself in work. He put on his mask and shut them all out. As bad as it was to have to face them every day and pretend that he was okay, being at home was worse. Because home wasn't really home anymore… Home was with her, holding her, smelling her, talking with her, laughing with her, and there was nothing left here now that mattered to him. She had taken it all with her when she left. Being at the townhouse now was an eternal reminder of everything he had lost. He could smell her on the couch when he sat down to watch the news. He could feel the weight of her body in bed next to him when he went to sleep. He could hear her bare feet on the bathroom floor when he took a shower in the morning. And it was all too much…

So he had spent the last few nights in his office. He knew people were starting to notice that he practically lived there now, but he couldn't bring himself to care. The only thing he cared about was Sara. And the only thing that kept him going was that phone call a few weeks ago. She had assured him that she loved him, and that she was okay. But he couldn't help but wonder how she was doing, and if she would really ever come back. She couldn't really promise him anything and as much as he understood and respected that, his mind kept going over those last days before she left over and over again. And he kept coming to the same conclusion: He should have seen it. He should have known. And the worst part is that in his heart he probably did know. He just didn't want to see it because, to be honest, he had never been happier. It was the happiest time of his life, and at the same time it was the worst time of hers. She was coming apart right in front of him and he did nothing to prevent it. And he hated himself for not being able to be enough for her. Because even if he knew that she loved him and that her leaving had nothing to with him, he couldn't help but think that he should have been able to help her.

He thought about Lurie, he'd done a lot of that lately… He remembered how afraid he had been back then. How he couldn't bring himself to let Sara in knowing that he would never recover if he let himself truly love her, just to lose her down the road. And now, he was sitting here, broken, still breathing but not even close to living. And yet, he knew he would never be sorry. No matter what happened he would never regret loving her. It was the best decision he had ever made, and he knew in his heart that they would always love each other. What he didn't know was if he would ever be able to go on without her…

It was a Tuesday night when he hears a distant knocking on the door. He tried to ignore it like he had for the last month or so. But it didn't go away this time, instead it got louder and even more intruding. He wished to himself that whoever was they would just give in and go away. He has always liked his solitude, but lately it had become a coping mechanism, a necessity. He couldn't seem to function around people anymore, and he knew he was doing a bad job of hiding it.

"Come on Gil!!! OPEN UP!!!"

The voice was familiar, but strange at the same time. Jim. He had been at his door almost every day for week now, and as bad as he feelt about pushing his friend away, he just couldn't face him. Not now. He'd been avoiding him at work, and screening his calls. But he just would not give up. But then again, he'd always been a persistent S.O.B, he had to give him that…

He poured himself another scotch when he heard a click from the front door. He turned around to see Jim standing in his hallway.

"I still have a few tricks up my sleeve you know… and you can't avoid and old friend forever. Now, are you gonna pour one for me as well, or what…?"

There was no response. Jim knew that look on Gils face. He'd seen it a million times before, and he knew what it meant. Before he got the chance to decide what to say Jim spoke again.

"Gil… for how long have we been friends?"

"Jim… I…" he doesn't know what to say. He just knows that his eyes are tearing up and that he wants Jim Brass the hell out of his apartment. Right now! But his body doesn't seem to be listening to his brain and instead of pushing his old friend out the door, he just slumps down on the couch with his head buried in his hands.

Jim sits down beside him and puts a gentle hand on his shoulder. He's never seen Gil like this before. He looks beaten down and tired, and sad. And it makes him sad to see his friend like this.

"I just want you to know that I'm here for you Gil, and I know that you're hurting. I know you don't want anyone to know, but you have to talk to someone. You need someone Gil. You don't have to be alone. I'm worried about you…" Jims voice is slow and calm. He takes his hand off Gils shoulder and draws a deep breath.

"I know how much you love her Gil, I've known for a long time. Probably longer than you" he says with a tiny unnoticeable smile. "But I know Sara too, and I know she loves you back just as much. She told me you two haven't talked that much lately…"

Gil suddenly stares at him.

"You talked to her?" he says almost in a whisper.

"Yeah, I… I called her a couple of days ago. Just to see how she's doing. It's not like we're getting much information from you, you know…" It wasn't meant as an accusation and Gil didn't take it as one.

"I know, I'm sorry. It's just… it's hard, that's all…"

"I know it is … Sara asked about you. She's worried about you. She sounded better though, happier in a way. I lied to her… told her that you were doing okay. But I got the feeling she didn't believe me. The woman sees right through me, always has" Jim was smiling now, and he could see something that at least resembled a little smirk on Gils face too.

"Have you thought about going to San Francisco to see her?" Jim knows it's a stupid question, of course he's though about it. But at the time he can't think of a better way to bring the subject up, so he leaves the question hanging.

"It's not what she wants… She told me she needed to do this on her own, and I as much as I want to see her, I have to respect her wishes. I want her to get better, I want her to be happy." Gil's voice is on the verge of breaking as he speaks those last words, and suddenly he gets up and goes into the kitchen. He puts both hands on the counter and bows his head. He's blinking desperately trying to force the tears away. This is exactly what he didn't want. He can't talk about this… it's just too hard.

"You know Gil…" Jim says from somewhere inside the kitchen now. "…sometimes what we want and what we need are two different things. And I know Sara. She's a fighter, she's strong, and like you she doesn't want anyone to see her weak, least of all you. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't need you. Because I know she does. Maybe more than ever...I'm not saying you should go to San Francisco and stay with her through all this, I'm just saying maybe you both need to talk to each other face to face and sort a few things out." They were both quiet for a little while. "Look, Gil, she would never say it, but I heard it in her voice. She needs you... "

Gil slowly turned around… His eyes were red and his face was wet from tears. Jim realized that he had never seen Gil Grissom cry before. "Thanks Jim, you're a good friend. I…I want to go to her you know, but the truth is, I'm afraid to. I'm terrified that if I do this wrong, I'll lose her. And I can't lose her Jim. She's everything to me… She always has been, and she always will be. I'm lost without her."

Gil Grissom and Jim Brass had a long talk that night. They finished the bottle of scotch, and two pots of coffee. And even though it was the last thing Gil wanted, it was probably exactly what he needed that night. When Jim left he decided to try the bed again for a change, and invited Hank to join him. The dog didn't have to be asked twice, he jumped in and licked Gils face vigorously.

"Okay Hank, good boy!! That's enough now… good boy… so what you do think Hank? You think old Jimmy is right? I know boy, you miss her too… Good night Hank…" As the two men in her life finally fall asleep on their bed, Sara is tucking a letter away in an envelope. She has read it every night before going to sleep since the day she left. His words help her hang on to him and to herself for another day as she searches for a way to lay the past to rest.