Previously on The Wedding Planners: Daniel reached across her with a scowl, yanked her tank top out, to which she responded with a somewhat delighted yet surprised squeal, and he looked into her shirt. He reached in, felt the radio, clicked it, and leaned in close… "What!?" He yelled into Vala's radio buried deep in her bra.

"Oh. I forgot about that!" Vala sat back and enjoyed Daniel's manipulation of her radio.

Chapter Five - Plan B

"Jackson! That you?"

Head still buried in Vala's top, Daniel snapped back, "Hell yes it's me! What the hell is going on? Why the hell didn't somebody tell me we really weren't married?"

"What? Jackson, listen, we'll talk about that later…"

"Later? Like you said last time?"

Vala patted Daniel on the head, "Daniel, you can take the radio…."

"Are you in a closet or somethin'?"

"Or something Mitchell. Damn it, why…"

"Look. Things are NOT going according to plan A through Z, we've skipped Plan B altogether – it's never worked and we're gonna try plan double A. Can you get to the rings...Jackson? Jackson?"

Mitchell looked up shocked. Both Sam and Jack said it with him… "They've gone into Hyperspace."

"Without us? They didn't take the puddle jumper?" Jack added in confusion.

"Why would they?" Sam plopped down in Jack's lap, thoroughly disgusted.

"But why leave it behind?" Jack's hand unconsciously landed in the middle of Sam's back.

"Because they know we know?" With a quizzical frown, Sam turned her face to Jack.

Mitchell studied the two who apparently didn't have a clue they were being so open, "You said it… it's a dummy, a bust, useless and they plan on..." He started to go on but suddenly realized something important. "…son of a bitch!" Mitchell's unexpected yelp startled both Jack and Sam. "Teal'c? Teal'c you need to get us out of here! NOW!" Punching every button on the console, Mitchell kept repeating himself. "Teal'c? Teal'c you need to get us out of here! Damn! Spread out, let's see if we can find it!"

Sam shot up from Jack's lap in realization of the implications. It took Jack a second or two to get it. Frantically they started searching for a clue to just how long they had.

"Found it!" Mitchell yanked the panel from the wall to reveal the countdown mechanism.

"Can you read it?" Sam came up behind the Colonel.

"Nope. Not in English. You?"

Sam only frowned and shook her head. Jack's face peeked over her shoulder at the devise. "Well there's not very many of those squiggly doohickies there on the end. That can't be good."

"Nope." Mitchell studied the dwindling symbols before calling into his radio, "Teal'c? Bra'tac? Anybody?"

Out the viewscreen of the Tel'tak, Teal'c and Bra'tac witness the explosion of the puddle jumper at the same instant the Odyssey appeared to come to a screeching halt, as their Tau'ri friends would have put it, right over the explosion.

"Got 'em!" Major Marks called over the radio. "Teal'c, as soon as your ship's aboard we'll be heading out in the direction of the Motherships."

Both of the Jaffa swallowed nervously and pretended to be unaffected. With a slight nod at each other, they took up their seats and headed out.

The instant Mitchell coalesced on the bridge he paled a minute then with a solid shake of his head frowned at Sam and Jack. "Remind me to NEVER hop on a bus with you two EVER again!"

……

"Daniel, I don't think we're in the State of Kansas anymore, I've been to Kansas you know and this definitely is not it." Vala wandered around the holding cell examining the bars looking for a means of escape.

Daniel looked worse then he had three hours ago, face more swollen, only one eye barely open and both dark with bruising, his bottom lip was split and the left half remarkably larger than the right half. "There were plenty of times you could have told me."

She got the gist of what he said and eyes slitted and glaring Vala turned from her perusal, "I'm sorry, you were mumbling something?"

Thick tongued with lips that could barely form words he continued, "…only you could manage to find a minister that wasn't a minister."

Now her hands slammed on her hips, mouth opened in exaggerated unbelieving shock and she sputtered, "What? I… I…you think I… I can't believe you! And oh so important to be discussing right now, isn't it? The almighty linguist spewing out incoherent words! Ha! How apropos. You are speaking English, right? Can't you find some rock to examine? Something useful? Perhaps a magic stone! Yes, that's it. Some ancient technology lying around on the floor." Vala's hands went from her hips to the back of her pigtailed head and after searching a moment she came away with a hairpin. "Ah. There, now we're getting somewhere! Actually, I'm getting somewhere as I'm getting us out of here, Daniel. After that you can go back to your dusty old books and relics!"

He tried to form her name in apology but V was not a consonant that he could manage at the moment and some croaky 'ahla' came out to which she replied, "Humph!"

Sighing dramatically complete with sputtering lips, Vala stretched an arm out the bars and around to the locking mechanism. Her cheek pressed against the bars and she struggled with the hairpin to get it into the lock.

Daniel watched her, his head shaking in dismay, she of all people should know that you couldn't open a Goa'uld lock with a….

As if she'd heard his thoughts she whirled with hands out in a 'Ta Da' gesture, "Come on, you can move can't you?" Pigtails tossing as she turned away, Vala pushed the door open and marched out of the cell.

With a penitent look Daniel stiffly scurried forward to the pile of gear across the room.

……

Popping up and down like targets in a carnival shooting gallery from behind two overturned benches on opposite sides of the room, Vala and Daniel exchanged fire with the five Lucian Alliance thugs that had appeared not a minute after the two had reached their equipment.

"I don't think I want to be married to you… I don't like your attitude, not to mention your looks!" Up she went, hitting one and missing another of the ruffians.

From across the room, Daniel popped up as Vala hunkered down. "Nith Sthot!" he complemented his not-wife through his swollen lip as he fired the last round of his P-90, seriously wounding the one she'd missed. He tossed the empty weapon aside and managed to take out one of the other hooligans with a well aimed Zat blast.

Vala stood, aimed and hit one of the last two with her handgun as Daniel hit the other one with his Zat.

"Last one," Vala called in triumph, "at least for right now," she added with a little less enthusiasm, plopping down to rest behind the makeshift barrier.

Daniel's head went back to rest against the bench and he swallowed, licked his swollen lip and managed to say in a barely perceptible voice that only Vala could have translated. "Remember the first time you kissed me?"

It took her a moment, but eventually she responded with a sigh and a dreamy, "Yes."

"I kissed you back."

Eyebrows knitted in concentration, she considered the slur of words, "Oh. Right. Yes you did and I almost got killed several times after that for daydreaming about it. I suppose it's the real reason I came looking for you. You're grinning aren't you Daniel?"

" 'ep. 'ew?"

Vala nodded emphatically.

He waited a moment working to get his mouth to cooperate. "You nodding?"

"Yes, Daniel."

"There are moments…" he had to pause again to wipe the trickle of blood from his split lip then continued to slur in her general direction. "…Vala, when I feel I've lived a lifetime with you."

Catching onto the rhythm of his speech pattern she answered, "I know…" She stopped to listen as the unmistakable sound of many running feet filled the air around them. "Love you," she finished as she stood - her hand gun aimed at the door.

"Love you too," and up he stood Zat raised and ready.

The scream of rapid gunfire that followed had Daniel tossing his arms out and looking at his chest in anticipation of the death blast. It didn't come. He knew Vala's P-90 was as empty as his and he turned to see Mitchell's eye-crinkled grinning face.

"What the hell happened to ya'll's transponders?" Mitchell scolded, then turned to look as Jack and Sam beamed in behind him. "Get ready, there's more of the bastards on the way and we don't have time to tag the two lover birds," he hollered as a new wave of thugs rounded the corner, firing. He dove behind the bench next to Vala, as did Sam, while Jack opted for Daniel's side of the room.

"Crap! Nice mess ya got here Daniel. What the hell happened to your face?"

Jack didn't wait for a response as the five of them started fighting for their lives.

"You could have brought a little more backup… hello, entire Mothership of goons! Face beat up and the transponders cut out." Daniel had no idea that what he'd just said came out as mush since his lips didn't work and his tongue had started swelling again.

"What?" Jack looked perplexed.

Daniel glared.

"Sorry."

"No you're not." Daniel managed a little clarity with the short sentence.

All Jack managed to understand was 'not'. "You're right, I'm not." But the look on Jack's face showed that he truly wasn't sure if he'd make the correct response.

"Daniel, darling, FYI, which in your oh so clever Earth iconic language means …darling no one else can understand a word you say!" Vala had her back to the overturned bench loading her P-90 with the clip that Cam had tossed her.

Once finished loading the clip he'd just gotten from Jack, Daniel sprung up at the same moment as Vala and the two sprayed the oncoming assault until no one was left standing.

Jack peeked over the bench and met Carter's and Mitchell's astonished faces. "Damn! Sweet."

"Ahla? Ill jew mawrey me?" Daniel pointed the P-90 unintentionally at her with one hand as he wiped at his blood seeping lip with the back of the other hand.

"Carter?" Jack yelled, laughing, across the room, "Ill Jew Mawrey Me too?"

Vala lit up like the preverbal Christmas tree. "Oh, Daniel of course I will."

Sam looked at Jack. "What did you say?"

"Ditto, I said, ditto." Jack slapped the tag on Daniel's arm as Sam did the same to Vala.

"Fine! But I'm wearing my blue BDU's." As Sam answered with a smile, Jack and Daniel exchanged a look as only those two could. Jack giddily triumphant and Daniel despondently annoyed.

……

Waiting expectantly on the bridge of the Odyssey Teal'c and Bra'tac listened in as Mitchell gave the order to get them out of there.

Bra'tac took a questioning look at Teal'c, "and you remain with them still? Remarkable!"

"Indeed, I have become accustom to them and I believe I would be somewhat unhappy should I not have them in my life."

"That, my old friend, is what has me worried."

……

Many hours later Colonel Davidson paced the bridge. "Where are they?"

"Don't ask, don't tell, that's my motto." Cam had his arms folded tight across his chest.

"Damn it Cam! Who's going to get in trouble here?"

Holding up his hands in surrender mode, Cam looked innocently at Davidson. "Not me! Besides, he's retired."

"What about the other two?"

"Oh no you don't, I'm way, way, way out of that loop. Non military personnel, your ship, and that puts them in your little world."

"Well, there's a planet with a Stargate not an hour from here. I say I drop the whole bunch of you off and you can 'Gate home!" Davidson looked truly worried.

"Is that enough time to perform a double wedding, seems to me you might need a little more time to prepare." Mitchell was grinning smugly.

Davidson took a cockeyed glance at Mitchell before turning his back and walking away. Just as he left the bridge he looked over his shoulder at a completely astonished Colonel Mitchell and told him, "not me! No way! They're on their own - leave me out of this! You have the bridge, I have paperwork to do!" The ship's commander left poor Mitchell standing in the middle of the room with the entire bridge crew laughing behind his back.

"Major?"

"Yes sir," Major Marks answered Mitchell with a knowing grin.

"Top speed and shortest way home… now!" Cam jabbed a finger towards the viewscreen.

……

It was raining. Not a gentle spring rain, but a torrential downpour. Beneath the white tent where the lights still twinkled (not quite obscured by the rain soaked netting and the gray of the sheet of rain that had no intention of relenting) the ground was inch deep in mud and was currently occupied by just the bride and groom.

White chairs were strewn around littering the landscape and the once gaily decorated gazebo stood off from the tent looking sad and disheveled.

Watching the delightfully wonko bride, Mrs. Vala Jackson and her archaeologist groom, Dr. Daniel Jackson from the window of the cheerily lit house not ten feet from the tent, were the wedding guests, along with a thrice license-examined minister and the wedding party-sans said bride and groom.

The bride's intention - having been to run happily, playfully – albeit wetly – into her husband's arms - was thwarted by the inclement weather. Head tossed back in laughter, Vala's once sparkling white dress, now mocha colored with mud, clung to her curves as she slid on her satin covered six, feet first into Daniel. The mud littered groom was still on his knees, just short of regaining his footing, after having attempted to retaliate from the last bout of slip and slide with his wife. Glasses knocked awry Daniel reached too late to block the hit, reeling backwards, obviously overcome with hysterical laughter and they both went sliding along, her sprawled on top of him.

"Ooohs" and "ahs" ensued from the warm, dry onlookers inside the house, with an occasional grimace from Mitchell and an intermittent 'holy Hannah' from Carter.

Vala popped up sitting astride him. The much mutilated bridal bouquet was tossed unceremoniously over the shoulder of the bride, by the bride, whose face glowed with joy accentuated by the sparkle of light reflected on the wetness of her mud flecked skin. Her goo dripping hand snatched at the misaligned bow tie still somehow attached to a once white, once pleated and once starched tuxedo shirt, and she used said tie to leverage her man upwards for a kiss.

One arm wrapped around her waist, Daniel flipped her over in the wet slush bringing Vala beneath him, but she squealed, loudly protesting something about a tiara and a veil as she slither and skimmed her way out from under him and tried to stand. Like Bambi on ice her legs went in different direction. Daniel grabbed a wad of delicate veil that ripped but he recovered by gripping a handful of satin, yanking her forward and bringing her back down to once again land atop him. He was laughing so hard he could barely breath, much less speak, but somehow he managed. "Okay. Now. Official? Right?"

"Yes. Finally. MY Daniel. Strange as that seems and as long as it took. I mean, really Daniel, what were you thinking?" Mrs. Jackson seemed distracted as she squished fingers around in the mire in search of her much loved tiara – a gift from her Maid of Honor, Samantha. "Well, I suppose the whole Tomin thingie seemed a bit odd, but I never-never-ever considered that a real marriage. After all it was merely a simple means of survival. And YOU!" she looked back into his clear blue smiling eyes as she once again sat up, straddling his waist, yanking at the dress to pull its tight skirt out of her way, "You resisted for so long," she paused with a look of satisfaction, plucked the tiara from the muck and plopped it atop her slime dripping hair, "which by the way, was an act of …whatever, anyway it was useless, you should have known, darling, we'd hook up sooner or later. And THEN, then when you FINALLY came around the whole thing went wonko…but darling…I'm happy! I have you AND I get another honeymoon...so maybe we could figure out a way to do this again, I've been thinking…"

Popping up suddenly, Daniel shut her up by covering her mouth with his.

"Ya know," Jack offered standing inside the dry comfort of his and Sam's house, "I really never expected –ya know- those two…" he flapped a hand around in the air in Teal'c's direction, "…together, you?" Jack took a sideways look at Teal'c who was grinning foolishly at the scene taking place outside under the tent.

Face instantly passive, hands locking behind his back and shoulders squaring off, Teal'c responded ever so seriously. "I cannot say, O'Neill."

Jack grinned, "Have ta kill me, huh?"

"Indeed."

END Wah hoo!