Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Title: Blind Date
Pairing: RoyxEd and hints of RizaxWinry
Rating: M, chapters 1 and 2
Timeline: None- AU
Summary: When Roy Mustang, an egotistical man-whore, and Ed Elric, a temperamental teen, are set up on a blind date by well-meaning friends, anything can happen.
AN: I've been wanting to write this story for awhile now. And so I shall. Hope you like!

PLEASE NOTE! I will only post the first two of four total chapters on this website, since the final two chapters contain all sorts of super graphic goodness. This story is NOW COMPLETE! You can find chapters 3 and 4 on my LJ fic journal (link located in my profile) because they are both too graphic to post here.

Blind Date
Chapter 1

"Just try it, Roy. You might like it."

Oh, how those words had gotten him in trouble throughout the years. The fact of the matter was that there wasn't much Roy Mustang didn't like. Especially when it came to sex. Women and men, young and old, and every color of the rainbow; it simply didn't matter.

The problem was, he was getting bored. Bored with the same old familiar faces of the countless who'd known the privilege of his touch. He wanted something different, something new….

But this?

"I've never been set up before in my life, Riza," he said.

"Yeah, and look how that's working out for you."

They were in bedroom of Roy's apartment. Riza sat on the bed and watched as Roy was finalizing his look in the mirror. She constantly joked that she was the only human being in existence who had ever entered the bedroom without succumbing to Roy's wiles. It was little wonder; she was a lesbian. And even though Roy laid claim to converting his fair share of lesbians over the years, Riza was not remotely interested in what he had to offer, aside from his undying devotion as a best friend.

Roy ran his hands through his black hair, taking one last look at the sexiness that was him, before turning around to face her. "You know, I'd have a lot more respect for you if you would just admit that the real reason you're doing this is so that you have an excuse to talk to your new woman."

Riza's cheeks pinkened slightly. Roy found it kind of cute considering she was normally so… butch. "Winry is not my woman," she said indignantly.

"Yet," Roy corrected. He walked over to the bed and stood in front of his oldest and dearest friend.

"Well?" he said, gesturing at himself. "Am I stunning?"

Riza rolled her eyes at Roy's glaring self-confidence. "As usual," she reassured him.

A cocky smirk grew on his lips, as if he expected nothing less. "You could have had the pleasure if you weren't so damn militant."

Riza stood up and smacked him hard but playfully on the cheek with her open palm. "Don't gross me out, slut," she warned. "Now hurry up. Your reservations are for seven."

She left him to finish getting ready.

Roy turned back to the mirror and cast a brooding gaze upon his reflection. His eyes were dark and were easily his best feature. The pitch black orbs did little to reveal his true emotions and intentions, something which both drew and scorned his past lovers.

I'm going on a blind date, he thought incredulously. The whole idea of blind dates reeked of desperation, something Roy Mustang could never be accused of. It was almost embarrassing, really. But if nothing else, tonight's little adventure would provide him a much-needed break from the monotony of fucking and fleeing the scores of men and women who could never seem to get the hint that he'd had his fill and moved on….

Not that he wouldn't fuck and flee his date tonight, if the opportunity arose. He most certainly would. He would try to be on his best behavior for Riza's sake, but….

Yeah. No promises whatsoever.

He fished a folded scrap of paper out of his pocket on which a scribbled name and address were written. He peered at it through squinted eyes and shook his head. Riza had the most hideous penmanship on earth, hands down.

Glancing at his watch, he decided he had better get going. He was not normally known for his punctuality, since most people would wait for him until the end of time. But since this person had yet to know the joy of Roy, he found himself actually wanting to make a decent impression by not being late.

"Ed Elric," he mused aloud. Interesting name. Since it was a blind date in the truest sense and he hadn't yet met or talked to him, he could only imagine what the man would look like. Roy envisioned someone close to his own height, with dark hair and blue eyes, perhaps. Something like that would definitely work. All he knew for certain was that Ed was young, seventeen to be exact. That didn't bother him in the least; to Roy, age was simply another of many irrelevant descriptive qualifiers that had absolutely no bearing whatsoever on a person's potential as a fuckmate.

Resisting a most egocentric urge to wink at his mirror twin, Roy gave himself one final approving once-over before walking out of the room and leaving to pick up his date, completely oblivious to just how much his life would drastically change over the next twenty-four hours.

-----

"Remind me again why I agreed to this?"

"Because you're a moody, pissy, sulky brat who scares off every man before they even say hello?"

Ed Elric stopped his pacing long enough to scowl at his best friend and roommate Winry, who sat on the couch and smiled lovingly at him.

"Thanks, Win," he muttered.

"Anytime."

Resisting a most juvenile urge to stick his tongue out at her, Ed resumed his pacing. He was nervous. He hated being nervous. It was such a stupid, helpless emotion.

Over the past week, Ed had tried to convince himself that the only reason he agreed to go on the blind date was so that Winry could become closer to the woman she liked, since this Roy fellow was her best friend. Looking at it that way, he was actually doing her a favor- a civic duty of sorts, or so he told himself.

The reality was that with the exception of Winry, Ed had very few friends, let alone boyfriends. Throughout the years of his brief, teenaged life, Ed had alienating others down to an exact science. In school, he had been known for his rude, abrasive nature and many thought him to be… well… an asshole.

At a glance, it was hard for many to see how someone like Ed could come across as intimidating. He was short, barely gracing the realm of five feet. He had long, blond hair that was forever plaited into a long braid and also drew him constant comparisons to women. But a closer inspection also revealed an automail appendage resided where his right arm and left leg should have been. It was a most unique prosthesis that, when flaunted menacingly in conjunction with a cold glare from his amber eyes, terrified most people around him…. And Ed would have it no other way.

Better to strike first than to get struck, after all. That had been his motto since the first time someone had ever called him a "metal freak." Subsequently, that was also the last time anyone had ever referred to him as such. For Winry's sake, he would try to tone down his attitude a notch just for tonight, but….

Yeah. No promises whatsoever.

"Now Ed," Winry began, clearing her throat.

Ed clenched his teeth. Here it comes, he thought.

"Try not to scowl so much. You're so much more handsome when you don't look like you could kill the world. Oh, and try not to swear a lot. Not that Roy doesn't swear, I'm sure he does, but you just… well, you just tend to do it so much!"

"Anything else?" he asked, thinking of a few lovingly choice words he could call her at that moment.

Winry looked away in slight embarrassment. "Well…"

Ed narrowed his eyes at her, knowing full well what she wanted to say. But fuck it, er, screw it. He was going to make her say it.

"Yes?" he inquired patiently.

"Well, hon, it's just that… you know… you're going to be going to a really nice restaurant and all… and…."

"And?"

The young blond woman, who for years now had been frequently mistaken as Ed's patient, understanding, and apparently saint-like girlfriend, smiled sweetly at him. "Well… you know… it's just that you… tend to eat… with a certain… um… zealousness?"

She shrank back against the couch and waited for detonation. Of course, Ed wasn't upset; it was Winry, after all. And truth be told, she was right. He did enjoy eating to the point of full-on gluttony and made it into something of a spectator sport.

"Fine, Win," he conceded. "I promise not to inhale my food. I won't belch at the table. I won't unbutton my pants. I won't pick my nose, and I won't scratch my balls or my ass."

"That's all I ask," she said solemnly, before cracking a smile.

The doorbell chimed. Winry jumped up from her seat.

"That's him! Good luck. And have fun. Please?"

She gave him a conspirator's wink and a thumbs up before bolting into her bedroom. She actually gave him a thumbs up. Who gives a thumbs up anymore? Ed considered it further proof positive that if the girl was any less hot, she'd never get laid because she was dorky as all hell. And he wouldn't have her any other way.

The doorbell chimed again. Heaving a large sigh, Ed trudged over to the door. He ran a smoothing hand over his hair and sighed again.

Please don't let this suck ass, he silently prayed to whomever would hear him.

Ed opened the door….

Whoa.

The guy was… hot.

Really fucking hot.

A small sliver of hope and anticipation rose in him. Maybe this blind date really wouldn't suck ass after all-

"Hey there, little guy," the man said. "Is your brother home?"

-----

The second those eight fateful words fell from Roy's mouth, he knew he was fucked. And not in a way he desired to be.

He could actually hear someone, Winry, he assumed, gasp from another room.

The boy looked up at him with eyes that bade him every atrocity known to man. Even in the midst of being horrified by his own gaffe, Roy noticed his angry eyes were a startlingly intense shade of amber unlike anything he'd ever seen before.

"Ed?" he asked cautiously.

"Yeah." In stark contrast to the fire-hot intensity of his eyes, Ed's voice was ice cold.

Five seconds in and he was flustered by a simple misunderstanding; that was unacceptable. Roy Mustang did not fluster.

Clearing his throat, he turned on the panties/boxers-dropping Mustang charm and prepared to explain his way to forgiveness.

"I'm really sorry about that; I just-" was all he had a chance to say.

"I'm short. I get it."

Ed stepped out of the doorway and closed the door behind him, forcing Roy to take a step back or risk being trampled. As he brushed past him, the height difference was astonishingly apparent; it was a miracle that the teenager even came up to his shoulder. As Ed walked down the hallway, Roy's gaze naturally fell to the boy's ass, which was actually quite nice encased in black leather. Not exactly appropriate attire for their destination, but with an ass like that, Roy was more than willing to forgive. The hair was also nice, although the braid was a bit girly for Roy's usual taste in long-haired men. And what was with the gloves?

Ed stopped in front of the elevator and waited-

Wait a minute.

Roy Mustang yielded to no one… even though he just did. And he certainly never hurried to catch up to anyone… although that was exactly what he was about to do. And just why, despite the initial verbal faux pas, wasn't Ed swooning over him? They all swooned!

This wasn't going right at all.

Sighing inwardly, and hoping the evening would come to a fast and painless end, Roy made his way down the hallway to join him.

-----

He continued staring straight ahead at the elevator doors, ignoring the man beside him. He suppressed yet another scowl, irritated that the elevator was taking for-fucking-ever.

It was an innocent mistake. Ed knew that, deep down. But still.

Better to strike first than to get struck, after all, he reminded himself.

-----

… no matter how fucking good he smells.