70 Reasons Why I, Soupus Bloopin, Thought the 7th "Harry Potter" Book Stunk

(In chronological order!)

A/N: My ranting about loathing the 7th book, basically. Enjoy. And if you can't do that, at least review.

1.) There was nothing about the whole Malfoy- Snape issue with the Unbreakable Vow. I think the result would have been very interesting if Voldy had found out. I really wouldn't have minded seeing Cissy kick the bucket. Nor Bella, but I actually think it was right to have her have greater importance in the 7th book. Besides, she's too valuable to Voldy.

Yes, I'm rambling.

2.) The fact that the DEs were able to infiltrate the Ministry so easily, and defeat the Aurors and the OOTP, when there apparently weren't that many of them (I admit there's no real evidence on how many Voldy had, until the "Final Battle", but that's in this book, so it's just ridiculous), but there were only twelve in the DOM, and only eight that we know of in the Astronomy Tower, and thirty trying to capture Harry). While I'll admit the fall of the Ministry gave some impetus to the story, it makes little sense when during the last war, when Voldemort had about 400 DEs, the war lasted for eleven years anyway. I mean, Scrimgeour's supposed to be pretty capable, right? There wasn't much foreshadowing in the sixth book either, though I suppose Ministry propaganda prevented Harry from knowing much about the situation.

3.)The fact that Snape appears so little in the story. Yes, the part where he stood by and did nothing while his former colleague was devoured was chilling, and I admit I liked it, but I had pretty much decided already that he was really working for the good side, and I think it would have been more interesting if his loyalties had been revealed earlier and he had encountered Harry earlier.

4.) The Trace. I think JKR just invented it to dodge the question of whether Ginny would go on the quest or not. It was never mentioned in any of the earlier books, and it was actually said in the sixth book that the Ministry really had no means of detecting underage magic in magical homes, yet in the seventh book they talk about it like it's common knowledge. Plus, the idea effectively ruined all my hopes that Ginny would be important, though I didn't realize it at the time. Oops, this isn't in chronological order! Ah well!

5.)The fact that Harry's home alone with the Dursleys. Shouldn't he planning strategy with Ron and Hermione? I mean, it's too dangerous to send letters! Plus, it would have been interesting to see Ron and Hermione interact with the Dursleys. Yeah, I got the idea from fanfic, I wasn't smart enough to see it for myself, but I think it makes a lot more sense.

6.)The Dudley thing. Completely out of the blue. Maybe that's how it goes for very dim-witted people, but still, it seemed unlikely.

7.) I thought Petunia would have some importance, given she's Lily's sister, and Harry's supposed to find something "very important" about Lily, which actually turns out to be rather insignificant in the grand scheme of things. All it does is explain why Snape went good.

8.) The whole Dumbledore controversy. I can understand why people might find it interesting, the idea of Dumbledore having a dark side, but I honestly couldn't bring myself to care. The guy's dead. His past cannot come back to haunt him. I think something about a character that was still alive, possibly Lupin or Peter, would have been more interesting; she could've come up with something, right? And by the way, I don't like the names Kendra and Ariana, even if Aberforth is a cool name. Yes, I'm a jerk.

9.) I still don't understand why, if people knew Thicknesse was under the Imperius Curse, nothing was done about it.

10.) Ron's comment about the tattoo was annoying. Yeah. I was deeply annoyed. Yeah. Would something extraneous like a tattoo be copied by Polyjuice? I doubt it, but… I don't remember the second book very well, maybe I missed something.

11.) Moody's role. He's snuffed right after he's given some importance. You do have to snuff some minor characters, I agree, but it should have been done later. It was odd how this veteran Auror apparently never defeated a single DE during the actual series. Maybe it's asking too much, but it would've been cool to see him in action.

12.) Hedwig's death. Sure, she wouldn't be of much use, but that's no reason to kill her. I feel that her death was gratuitous and meaningless.

13.) " 'Dromeda" sounds completely stupid. Yes, I know, nit-picky.

14.) The first appearance of docile, completely unimportant Ginny. The most she individually contributes to the good side (that we know of, at least) is to clean out the hole where George's ear used to be. Yes, I mean throughout the entire series, because we never see her stun a DE or save anyone's life. Just asking for one good Ginny scene, JKR…..

15.) I suppose this isn't really chronologically accurate, but why did Tonks and Lupin have a baby in the middle of a war, especially a war that they were actively participating in? I'm sure they could have done something to prevent it. The whole Teddy thing was pretty much pointless as far as I could tell.

16.) Ginny doesn't say anything when Harry announces he's about to leave. What's up with that?

17.) Harry starts having visions again. I thought Voldemort was using Occlumency against him, and it worked perfectly during the sixth book. No good reason (that I can think of) why it shouldn't now.

18.) I don't like Ron's ghoul idea. I don't really know why, maybe it's just because it happened in the seventh book.

19.)The whole Harry/Ginny thing in the Burrow sucks. No tension, no problems. Weak. I guess Ginny's real greatest contribution to the forces of good was satisfying Harry's lust. I suppose she did make him happy….

20.) The wedding preparation is boring. Yes, that's a pretty suckish reason; I'm really struggling to come up with more reasons now.

21.) Why does Scrimgeour go to the Burrow alone, times being as they are? I mean, he was killed the very next day!

22.) Sorry, but I hate the whole thing about Dumbledore's Will and the special gifts for Harry, Ron, and Hermione. For some reason, it makes me want to gag. I guess because it basically means they're destined to save the world alone. Whoop-de-stinkin'-doo for them.

23.) Bill's real name shouldn't be William; it should be Bilius, or better yet, Bilbert. Or how about Bilbo?

24.) Another unforgettable 7th book Ginny moment; her dress is too low-cut for Muriel's taste. Not that I'd mind seeing that in person, but if Ginny's not going to be noted for anything important, she might as well not be in the book at all (or she could get killed, which would be a shame, but at least more interesting).

25.) I didn't like the idea of Harry being Polyjuiced during the wedding, even if it made sense given the situation. And I don't think it was clear about when the potion wore off.

26.) There should have actually been a battle at the wedding. Yeah, the DEs should've put up anti-Apparation wards. Then Ginny could've helped out.

27.) The whole idea of Harry, Ron, and Hermione doing this alone; it was determined so early on, even though I still held out hope others (especially Gin-Gin) would get involved. I, personally, have had my fill of those three; I like them well enough, but I would have liked to see other characters get developed. Instead, it's practically nothing but Harry, Ron, and Hermione for 300-odd pages.

28.) I'm sorry, but I don't buy the idea of Ron's ghoul plan working on the DEs. It just doesn't seem likely they'd fall for that, even as dumb as some of them are. I mean, Voldemort would've known he and Hermy were Harry's best friends, right? He lived in the back of Quirrell's head for a year, and he likely would have known that Ron and Hermione were at the DoM.

29.) I also don't see why the DEs didn't torture the Weasleys or use truth serum, or just kill them. I mean, Harry's gone to the Burrow every summer before, and the Weasleys are expendable to the new regime anyway, right? Frankly, what use does Voldemort have for all the blood traitors? If no one's willing to resist, he could just kill them all! Never mind the population loss, just keep breeding the pureblood families (they probably inbreed, too), and you'll eventually have a Dark Wizard Army!

30.) Lupin, when he visited Grimmauld Place. If he was so terrified of having a freakish wolf-child, why did he screw Tonks in the first place??? Yes, I'm being very "indelicate" here.

31.) We were told Umbridge was going to be "tortured a little more", which I was really looking forward to seeing. Instead, all that happens is Harry stuns her and steals Moody's eye. Pretty poor comeuppance, if you ask me. She should've been put under the Cruciatus or something, the bitch.

32.) The fact that they avoided being captured for so long just because Ron still didn't think it was right for Harry and Hermione to say "Voldemort". When have they ever listened to him about that before?

33.) Right, the whole thing about Ginny, Neville and Luna trying to steal Gryffindor's sword. Brave and noble, right? Maybe so, but it was also pathetic. So "the second Trio" fails to steal a sword that turned out to be worthless anyway. It'd be really nice if they'd been allowed to actually accomplish something. Sorry, the whole "Golden Trio" thing really pisses me off; they should've gotten more help, the other characters deserved more of a role.

34.) The way the Trio ran into Dirk, Ted, and Dean in the first place. Extremely unlikely.

35.) The silver doe. It was cliché, but that didn't bother really bother me because I hoped it might be Ginny's Patronus. It was a completely unfounded hope (I'd totally forgotten about that goddamn Trace), but I still thought she'd do something at some point, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to introduce her. Especially since the Patronus led Ron back, I thought that was symbolic of sisterly help, or whatever. Hey, we don't see much of Ron and Ginny being nice to each other. It's one of the reasons why some people hate Ginny so much (though Ron can be a total arse himself, he's just not as good at verbally cutting people). And it would be Harry's Patronus' mate. Anyway, I was sadly disappointed yet again.

36.) The whole thing about Ron running off. And miraculously coming back just in time to save Harry. What are the odds? It would've been cooler for Ron to come back and find Harry's bloated corpse floating on the surface. Yeah. That would've shown the bastard, running off like that.

37.) The part between the Ministry break-in and the silver doe when they accomplish absolutely nothing. I admit, I was moved by the Godric's Hollow scene, but I think it should have somehow aided them in their quest.

38.) The whole Bathilda Bagshot thing. Why didn't Hermione tell Harry the woman was speaking Parseltongue? You'd think she would have recognized it, or at least been more suspicious! Speaking of which, why was there a trap there in the first place? I'm not listing this as a complaint, because maybe I just don't remember, after my trying-to-block-out-the-7th-book-phase.

39.) The whole thing with Xenophilius and Luna. Sorry, not a big Luna fan, even though I'm very weird myself.

40.) The Legend of the Deathly Hallows. It got me terribly confused (of course, that might have been because when I read about it, it was 4 in the morning and I was becoming increasingly panicked because Ginny hadn't appeared yet) and it didn't amount to much in the end. Though Harry wanting to search for ultimate power was cool. He's got a little evil in him too! Of course, we already knew that from OOTP. At least that book was pretty good.

41.) The death of Ted Tonks. He was DA BOMB, man. Not cool. Plus, it gives another excuse to create a child who's named after his grandfather.

42.) Draco Malfoy's role, the way he's just "there" at Malfoy Manor. No, I don't like the kid, but his role in the tangled, deadly must-kill-Dumbledore-or-Voldemort-will-kill-me-but-then-I-didn't-kill-Dumbledore-thing was interesting. Either he should have served some beneficial purpose, or he should have not appeared in the book at all (i.e. gotten killed).

43.) Peter's death. Yeah, of course I wanted it to happen, but the way it was done was lousy. He kills himself, after Harry reminds him that he has a life debt? I suppose he really was a moron.

44.) The wandlore stuff bored me out of my mind. Yeah, I guess it's the essence of magic and all, but… I prefer to see wands used to fight people. It's more fun!

45.) The fact that the DEs waited until Easter to attack the Burrow. Yes, I know there's an explanation for that, but like I said, Ron's ghoul idea shouldn't have worked. I also don't like how Ginny remained safe, at least comparatively, until the last stage of the book. That, along with the Trace, seemingly justifies Harry's decision to break up with her. Really, Harry's thinking that a breakup would protect her was pretty stupid, even though I, in my blindness, failed to see it at the time. Voldemort could have easily found out anyway, I'm sure Draco would have told him.

46.) Ginny giving Harry a "radiant smile" when he returns, and then nothing happening. Either she should be totally pissed with him (which I'd like to see) or it should be a lovely reunion (which I'd like to see less, but would at least be meaningful).

47.) Harry "protecting McGonagall's dignity". Didn't like that, especially since Harry's use of Crucio was justified so easily. Besides, Ginny should have been the one to hex Amycus, after the way he taunted her at the end of the sixth book (yes, I'm being very petty; it involves Ginny, after all). Harry gets so many "lucky shots" against Death Eaters, while other people, who actually fight them, don't get to hurt any. Really, the only time Harry had a proper duel with a Death Eater was when he fought Snape, and we all know how that turned out!

48.) The new, loud, aggressive Neville. Was he on steroids or something? He's brave, of course, not disputing that, but it didn't seem at all like him, and I found it annoying. Though I suppose months of isolation and torture would harden a guy. I still don't like it, nyah. And how was his "Gran" able to contact him?

49.) The whole Battle of Hogwarts. So basically, the OOTP and all of the Trio's friends are going to be used as cannon fodder so the Trio can finish the job and get all the glory. Nice.

50.) It says Ginny was shooting "well-aimed jinxes" at the DEs. Sorry, I'd have to see her actually hit one for certain to be happy, and wasn't it dark outside while this was going on? I'm probably missing something here, but I thought it was supposed to be three in the morning! How could anyone tell they were well-aimed? She might have been hitting her fellow defenders! For all we know, she killed Lupin (indirectly, by stunning him while he was being attacked by Dolohov, thus allowing the DE to finish off our favorite werewolf).

51.) The fact that Ginny leaves to join the battle, which sets up an opportunity for her to finally do something, and then nothing comes of it. Of course, by that time I'd been totally disillusioned anyway, and wasn't surprised to find that she did nothing more.

52.) The untimely death of Fred Weasley. It should've been either both, or neither of them. And we have no idea how George took it. By the way, why weren't the twins fighting together?

53.) Lupin's and Tonks' deaths. Really, they should have been allowed to live, especially since JKR (for no reason I can fathom) spared all of the Malfoys, plus Umbridge, not to mention Fenrir Greyback. Sorry, I'm rambling again. They were such good characters; if they had to die, their deaths could have at least been more purposeful. And really, Tonks and Lupin should have been allowed to live happily together. I thought the goal of this thing was to prove that a werewolf could live in peace in the wizarding world. Lupin's death screws up the message. At least that's how I see it. And on a side note, I also don't understand how Dean could stand up to Dolohov in a duel, when Dolohov killed Lupin, and defeated Moody in the fifth book. Not knocking Dean, I'm sure he's a great wizard, but still, he only has a sixth-year education, while Moody and Lupin were adults who had many years of training.

54.) Snape's death. Anticlimactic, that's for sure. Yet again, unworthy of the character (even if he was a jerk).

55.) So whoopee, Snape changed sides out of love. I thought it'd be more interesting than that.

56.) I don't think the nickname "Sev" suits Snape. Too cute.

57.) Dumbledore's plan. It shouldn't have worked. It was pure freakin' luck.

58.) Harry's resurrection. When someone dies, he should stay dead.

That's all I have to say.

59.) The attack of the house-elves. Laughable, in my opinion.

60.) Ron and Neville defeating Greyback. Lupin's job. Oh wait, he's dead! Still, Lupin should've done it, preferably in a way that resulted in Greyback's death. Or Ginny, at least then she would've done something. Or maybe Bill! Or maybe not, something about that idea's just boring. Oh well…

61.) Hermione, Ginny, and Luna all unable to defeat Bellatrix. I know Bellatrix is powerful and all, so I suppose it makes sense, but I can't shake the feeling that it made the girls look kind of weak, since it was happening while all the male characters were kicking ass. Seriously, even Lee Jordan got to defeat somebody. Neville should have confronted Bellatrix! Of course, Neville shouldn't be a match for her either, he isn't that good a duelist, is he? And it would have been more just if Ginny had had a hand in Voldemort's downfall, since he possessed her for a year. She deserved some revenge.

62.) Even though I can't deny that "NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!" is a great line, I didn't like that Molly killed Bellatrix. That was Neville's job. I like the idea of Molly being really powerful, but that could've been revealed in other ways. She could've killed Fenrir Greyback for instance, that would've been cool, and it would have been just vengeance, considering what Greyback did to Bill. Of course, then who would Lupin kill in my ideal universe? Oh yeah,Umbridge! Plus, Mrs. Weasley's saving Ginny. Ginny's supposed to be this powerful witch who everyone's always been underestimating, and yet she keeps ending up in situations where someone needs to come in and save her ass, and this time her savior is her mum. Must be embarrassing. This is the fourth time that's happened, I think (the whole Riddle thing, the time when Bellatrix wanted to torture her, and the time when Amycus Carrow was shooting curses at her being the other three examples). I don't mind that so much in itself, I understand how it could happen, she being an underage witch fighting DEs, but Ginny should have been allowed to do something really important, or at least impressive, to compensate for that, and to prove to everyone that she is capable. Sorry, hexing Draco Malfoy just doesn't cut it.

63.) Harry's triumphant speech when he faces Voldemort. Sucks.

64.) The rebounding spell killing Voldemort. Boring.

65.) The way Harry, Ron, and Hermione are all smiles after 50 people, including many of their friends, perished in the battle. I mean, where's Harry's guilt? Shouldn't he be devastated that so many people died for him?

66.) The entire epilogue, though of course I'm going to go into specifics (they should probably all be included with this, but I'm really struggling to get to 70 here).

67.) Harry's kids, very cute, oh-so-predictably named. Yet another sign of the docile Ginny, none of them were named Fred or anything.

68.) The fact that Ginny probably says almost as much in the 6-or 8-page epilogue as she does in the 750 pages preceding it.

69.) Harry, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione as parents. Very unconvincing, for me at least. The epilogue should have occurred soon after the battle (not that it would have made up for everything else I didn't like).

70.) The corny thing about Albus not wanting to be in Slytherin. I'm sick of seeing history repeat itself.

Yeah, that's it, that's all I have to say, except... Follow the spiders! And review, of course. Things get boring here at college and I need to know what people think.