Tunnel of Love
Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine.
"I have an idea," announced Ron. "We should pair up Hermione with Malfoy."
"Have you had anything to drink?" asked his girlfriend sharply.
"What makes you say that?"
"Because I think you'd only suggest we'd pair up your dear Hermione with Draco if you were dead drunk." Pansy looked him over carefully. "Oh no. You're actually serious, aren't you?"
"Of course I'm serious. Think of all the benefits."
"Ron. They despise one another. They're both grouchy enough that we dragged them out here to this winter carnival. I don't know who will hex you first if you try to set them up."
He waved her concerns aside. "It'll be perfect. Look at them. She's busy scowling at all the sweets. He's busy scaring all the kids. Doesn't it look like a match made in heaven?"
"More like a match made in hell," she answered.
"Bollocks! You never think any of my ideas are good. Let's get a second opinion." He scanned the crowd, looking for his friends. "Hey! Harry! Stop trying to win that game and get over here. It's rigged anyway."
Harry looked as though he was going to ignore Ron when Ginny said something to him. Sighing, he trotted over to where Ron stood, with Ginny by his side.
"I'll have you know that I'd just about figured that game out," he said shortly.
"Yeah, yeah. That's what you always say. You're no good at these games. You should just stand back and let Ginny win you something. She knows all the tricks."
"I can't believe you suggested that."
"I do. He's my brother. He's not known for his wit."
"I'll ignore that comment for now. Only because I want to tell you about my bright idea."
Harry regarded Ron solemnly. "I thought we agreed you're not allowed to have any more bright ideas," he said.
"Oi! This one's a real winner!"
"I'll say," Pansy snorted. "It's the leading candidate for best way to get yourself hexed to hell and back again."
"Lovely," said Ginny. "So go on. Let's hear it. Because I doubt you're going to drop it."
"As I was telling my girlfriend over here," said Ron, throwing an arm around Pansy's shoulders, "I think it would be brilliant if we set Hermione up with Malfoy."
"No."
"Bad idea, Ron. Bad idea."
"I told you so." Pansy stuck out her tongue.
"But think of it! They're both miserable here, so why not let them be miserable together?"
"Because that's a very scary thought?" suggested Ginny.
Ron sighed. "You aren't thinking things through. The way things are now, them being so negative about this carnival is ruining all our fun. Pansy and I keep having to listen to Malfoy bitch about how stupid everything is. I know you and Harry have had it up to here with Hermione's complaints about how all these sweets are going to rot kids' teeth and how this whole thing is one big cliché."
"Yes, it is getting old fast. I'm never inviting Hermione to any sort of carnival ever again. I don't see how putting her together with Malfoy will improve her mood," said Ginny. "As a matter of fact, we've been busy keeping them apart to make sure they don't start an argument that blows everything up."
Pansy shuddered. "Like that time we took them to the circus."
All four shuddered at that memory.
"Okay. So they can be a bit explosive when they get together. I still think that if we pair them up they'll be happier with someone to be miserable with," said Ron. "So why don't we give it a shot?"
"Fine."
"You're not going to listen if I say no, are you? Don't answer that. You never listen when I tell you not to do something. Men!"
"It's your funeral, brother dear."
"That's what I've been waiting to hear." Ron considered what he had just said. "Well, more enthusiasm would have been nice, but you can't have everything. Harry, Ginny, you go grab Hermione before she turns those sweets into something nasty and sugar-free. Pansy, you and I are going to get Malfoy before he makes another kid cry. Meet up at the Tunnel of Love."
"This can only go badly," said Harry.
"There, there," said Ginny. "We'll make sure that we're not the fools sitting by Hermione and Malfoy."
"Thanks," said Pansy. "It just wouldn't be the holidays without this feeling of impending doom."
Ten minutes later, they were all waiting in line for the ride. Malfoy was being obnoxious as usual, with Pansy trying to calm him down while the rest of them were doing their best to ignore the git.
"I can't believe you still want to go through with this," Ginny whispered to her brother.
"Don't worry. Everything will sort out in the end," he whispered back.
"This is why your plans always backfire on you," she replied.
"Wait. They haven't converted this ride into something else!" Hermione's voice rang out stridently, causing everyone in their group to turn around and look at her. "Harry Potter! I thought you said that it wasn't actually a Tunnel of Love ride, but some sort of Cavern of Ice, since it's not Valentine's."
"Oops. My mistake."
"Mistake, nothing. I'm not setting one foot on that ride." They had now reached the front of the line.
"Come on, Hermione. After waiting all this time, it'd be a real shame not to go," said Ron. "Go on, Harry, Ginny. You get on first. We'll follow." Harry and Ginny crossed the small platform and got into the small boat, the ride attendant busy ensuring they were properly strapped in.
"Fine. Then I'll go with you," said Hermione.
Pansy stepped in between the other witch and her boyfriend. "Hands off, Granger. He's mine now. You said you didn't want him."
"Be reasonable, Pansy. You can expect me to ride with that." Hermione pointed at Malfoy.
"What's the matter, Granger? Scared?"
"Hardly. This whole ordeal is bad enough without you along to make it worse."
"Hermione, please! Just try to relax and have some fun, okay?" Ron asked. "I'm sorry for dumping the ferret on you, but someone needs to make sure he doesn't get into trouble," he added quietly so only she could hear.
"Fine. But you owe me one."
At that, Ron and Pansy crossed the platform to get into the next boat, with Hermione and Malfoy close behind. Ron kept an eye on the other two as they sat down in the boat behind him. Malfoy was behaving himself for once, actually offering his hand to Hermione as she stepped on to the shaky vessel while they made conversation. Ron smiled to himself. It looked like things were going to work out.
A shriek of outrage, the sound of a hand smashing into a face, soon dispelled any feelings of triumph Ron had.
"You slimy, disgusting, perverted little ferret!" Hermione shouted at Malfoy, who looked a bit shaky from Hermione's blow. "I can't believe your gall! No! I do not want you within ten feet of my tunnel of love, much less in it!" Hermione stood up, either to get as far as way from Malfoy as possible or to stomp his head in.
It didn't matter as a moment later Hermione lost her balance in the swaying boat and toppled into the water below. Fortunately for her, there was no boat behind her and the water wasn't that deep.
"Gah!" Hermione sputtered as she surfaced from the water.
"Hey, Weasel. Did you lose a mad beaver?" Malfoy drawled. "Because you better come get it before it goes and bites someone."
"Fuck you, Malfoy!" Hermione yelled.
"Any time, sweetheart. Your place or mine?"
"That is it! I have had it with you." Hermione clambered on to the back of the boat as Malfoy continued to egg her on.
"Merlin," Pansy whimpered. "I knew I should've stayed in bed today."
"Face front, Pansy," Ron said urgently. "Pretend like we don't know them. If we're lucky, they'll be the only ones kicked out." He scrunched closer towards his girlfriend, trying to ignore the sounds of a brawl in the background, as a couple of security guards made their way through the crowd. Ron barely heard the pleas of the guards for the pair behind them to calm down as he crossed his fingers and hoped his boat would soon move forward to take them away from it all.
"Sir! Madam! That is not appropriate conduct!" Those words grabbed Ron's attention away from his worries, and he turned around to see a most surprising sight. Hermione's lips were glued together with Malfoy's, as his hands were busy inside her blouse. Ron could barely believe his eyes.
"Yes!" Ron pumped his fist in victory. "I knew this plan would work."
Just like that, Hermione and Malfoy broke apart.
"I told you it was Weasel's idea to set us up," Malfoy said smugly. "Pansy's smart enough to know better."
"And I thought you were my friend, Ronald Weasley," hissed Hermione.
"Umm…yeah. I would love to continue this discussion," said Ron hurriedly. "But do you see those nice men behind you? They're asking you two to leave." As Hermione and Malfoy begrudgingly got off their boat to be escorted out of the carnival, Ron couldn't help but launch a parting shot. "Have fun, you crazy kids!"
"Merlin. Now I need to find a new boyfriend for the New Year."
"What?"
"You're a dead man walking."
Author's note: Thanks for reading. This is just something short and sweet, and I hope it made you smile. It would bring a smile to my face if you left me a review to let me know what you thought of this one.