Live and Learn

A/N: I was watching a movie entitled Bedazzled on a local cable channel. It's about a loser (Brendan Frasier) who made a pact with the devil (Elizabeth Hurley) when, suddenly, it hit me…

Rating: K

Genre: Angst / Hurt / Comfort / Missing Scene

Season: Six – during the episode Descent

Summary: The deepest, darkest thoughts that Jonas Quinn hide behind his megawatt smiles.

Comment: Jonas Quinn isn't infallible. He's also bound to make mistakes, choose the wrong decisions that seemed right at the time, and may say or do things that he really didn't mean. He's also an individual prone to fall victim to his own feelings and everything else that makes one human.

Spoilers: Meridian, Revelations, Redemption 1 & 2, Descent

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate SG-1 or any of its original characters. I'm just writing them to my heart's content. I don't think there's any harm in that, right? 'Nuff said.

"Upuaut, a wolf deity… He was chiefly revered for his role as the Opener of the Ways to the Underworld, showing the dead souls the path through that dark realm."

– Veronica Ions, Egyptian Mythology 1982

Chapter 1 – I Wish

He pulled and shoved. He tried to move his foot around to free it. He even tried lifting the heavy weight that pinned it solidly to the metal floor. No such luck.

Look what you've gotten yourself into now, Jonas Quinn. You should've just listened to the colonel, stayed with Jacob and get the hell outta here. But nooo... You had to play the hero.

Jonas paid no heed to the infuriating voice in his head intent on freeing himself from the bulkhead door that got his left leg, just above the ankle, trapped when it suddenly came sliding down as he was swimming right under it.

He wasn't even aware what happened were it not for the tug he felt and the excruciating pain that followed from that part of his anatomy.

When he saw the door he thought the worse. But miraculously, the door mechanism halted its progress just enough to only effectively trap his leg and, thankfully, not crush it.

But his relief was only short-lived. There was still the possibility of drowning if Jonas was unable to free himself, find the nearest ring room (hope that it was still operational underwater), catch up with SG-1 and get as far away as they possibly could from there.

That is if they wait for you, the voice said, grinding out every word merely to infuriate him.

I know they will, he answered with conviction but all he got was a snicker before the voice fell silent and left him alone to his predicament.

Jonas once again tried to free himself out of the jam he was now facing, trying to fight the rising panic within him with each second that passed. He was slowly releasing air from his lungs with each jerk, heave and shove he made.

Everything was going so well moments ago. He was able to reroute power from an auxiliary control panel on that level to supply enough energy for Maj. Carter to put the force field on the glider bay doors back online. He succeeded in providing out a way for them to escape Ra's ship before it exploded.

This ship has turned against you, Jonas. It will take you along with it, the voicecackled with malicious glee.

He tried to ignore it but the malevolent voice successfully turned his thoughts to the events that led him in this situation. His plan was simple at first. Really. But why did it suddenly got complicated and with him right smack in the middle of it?

- - - o 0 o - - -

"Don't wait for me."

"Now, Jonas!"

The Kelownan quickly picked up his pace afraid that Jacob might change his mind on getting aboard the DSRv and decided to run after him instead. He would never forgive himself if something terrible befell the major's father because of him. Jacob was a nice man and he was nice to him throughout this entire mission one which the young man found highly refreshing. It was unwise to repay that kindness by steering Jacob towards unnecessary danger.

As soon as he heard that SG-1 was in trouble Jonas wanted to kick himself for not being able to stay with them. He should've stood up to the colonel back at the control room, the Goa'uld called a pel'tak, but he immediately cowered as soon as the officer growled out his name.

And now his team was in a jam, unable to reach them and the DRSv that would take them to safety, looking for a way out while he was a couple of levels up safe, dry and just a few steps away from freedom.

"Why would he bring me all the way out here if I'm not allowed to contribute anything?"

"It is your first mission. It may take some time for Colonel O'Neill to gain confidence in your abilities."

"So was it the same for you?"

"No. It was not."

"Oh… You know, I heard the rumor that I only got this assignment because Col. O'Neill didn't want a Russian on the team."

Jonas Quinn, newest member of SG-1 and was on his very first mission as such, went over the Goa'uld mothership schematics in his mind one more time, mentally mapping the quickest route he could take to that auxiliary control panel he was telling Jacob about.

He possessed, aside from being highly observant, a photographic memory (as Dr. Fraiser coined it) and prayed that it would not fail him in this time of great need. He took a sharp turn to the right as soon as he reached the second corridor.

Ships this size had power relay terminals scattered throughout the different levels to reroute power to wherever it was needed the most if her crew was unable to access it through ordinary means.

Something like the ship crashing in the ocean and most of the corridors were sealed shut because they had taken in water with the controls in the pel'tak destroyed which they had no time to fix because the ship was only minutes away from exploding was a very good example.

Three people's lives were at stake here. No, make that four since technically the main reason why SG-1 backtracked was to recover the consciousness of the Asgard Thor from Ra's mothership's main computers.

From what he's read, the Asgards were Earth's most powerful ally in their fight against the Goa'uld, the only other race that the parasitic lifeforms were wary of openly confronting lest they found themselves leaving the field of battle with their tails literally tucked between their legs.

But the Goa'uld Anubis was different from his brethren. He came out from years of banishment just a few months before and was now quickly becoming a force to be reckoned with not only by the other races but also by his own peers. The Asgards were no longer a threat to this particular Goa'uld and to show it he captured Thor and assimilated his consciouness into this vessel's central computers. They were successful in pulling him out of the core computers but in doing so re-activated the ship's self-destruct program Thor's consciousness had frozen long enough to travel to the Tau'ri system.

I can do this.

Well, they could care less, the voice told him without faltering. You wouldn't be missed anyway.

This moment was very important to him for two reasons: One, SG-1 needed help and he's the only one that could provide it, and; two, this was his chance to prove his mettle.

He wanted to prove to everyone, and to himself as well, that he could contribute something beneficial to the team other than being a burden to the people who took him in, albeit hesitantly, after all that had happened. Jonas didn't want to forever be a useless tag-along to be looked after, to sit quietly in a corner when told and not do anything until ordered otherwise. Jonas knew he was good at something and that something finally came his way.

"Jonas, stay with Teal'c."

"I don't understand…"

"Sorry… stay here."

"So… I'm not going with you?"

"Not this time."

Ever since he sought refuge on Earth Jonas was used to arguing with himself about a lot of things. Mainly because there weren't that many people he could talk to. No one to really confide into about his fears and doubts because he knew no one could ever really understand what he was going through. This voice, pessimist it might be most of the time, had been his only constant companion and welcomed its open criticism and bluntness with ease. It was an outlet where he could discuss many things he wouldn't dare tell another soul, even the Jaffa Teal'c. Things that should be kept inside. Things that ought to remain hidden.

But none of that now. All he cared about at the moment were his teammates and that they were running out of time.

C'mon, Jonas. This isn't like you, all reckless and impulsive. Your life is worth more than anyone here combined. Back in Kelowna, you held one of the most important positions someone could possibly attain at a young age. Moreover, you don't know these people. They're not your friends. And they most certainly do not consider you as one. Why do this? Why risk it?

Jonas quickly skidded to a halt at the first closed door he encountered. There was a huge puddle of water on the floor between him and the door-a clear indication that he was trying to access a corridor that was already flooded.

I wasn't able to save Dr. Jackson –

So you think that saving them would amount to anything? Would it bring their friend back?

He swiftly divested himself of his tac vest, jacket, boots and socks before flattening himself against the wall beside the door mechanism. After three quick breaths he punched in the codes to open the door and freezing ocean water started rushing in torrents.

You're no Daniel Jackson, man. You're no savior. You'll never be like him. You don't even have military training. Get a move on! I bet all the naquadria back home that these people wouldn't even care a wink if you live or die on this ship.

Shut up, Jonas snapped. He was shivering from the cold now but ignored his own discomfort, focusing all his energy on the task in in front of him. SG-1 needed his help. He couldn't - wouldn't - let them down.

You're such a loser, Jonas Quinn. Why force yourself to be liked when they were rather clear that they don't want you. They don't want to be burdened with the likes of you: a traitor, a liar and a murderer. They never reciprocated the friendship that you so freely offer them.

I said… SHUT UP!

Jonas plunged into the water and began swimming through the slowly opening bulkhead door, gracefully twisting around as he entered the already submerged auxiliary control panel.

"It is my understanding that it was largely your idea that led to the successful disposal of the other Stargate before it could be detonated. You saved the lives of millions."

"Yeah, that was different. It was an intellectual exercise. I'm talking about knowing what you can do in the heat of the moment when there is no time to think!"

"One can never be certain until the opportunity presents itself."

"So far, my track record isn't that great."

"Perhaps that is so. But there are many battles left to be fought, Jonas Quinn."

After some minor adjustments to the controls, Jonas was ecstatic when both auxiliary control panel switches lit up at his slightest touch. He allowed himself a small smile of triumph before he pushed himself away from it. He did it.

- - - o 0 o - - -

Jonas didn't know which was worse: running out of air or running out of time.

Going back to Jacob and the sub was impossible without flooding the rest of the corridors in that section. It might even jeopardize the DSRv from making a safe escape from the mothership. So the only other way out of there was the glider bay where SG-1 was at the moment.

Don't fight the inevitable, Jonas. You're going to die here. Face it, nobody's gonna come and rescue you.

He continued to push the door up and felt it move a few millimeters. That was an improvement. Wasn't vast, but still an improvement.

You're nothing to them anyway. They wouldn't even wait for you. By the time you reach the glider bay they're long gone. These people you call "friends" had abandoned you already as we speak.

No one gets left behind, he retorted.

Keep telling that to yourself, kiddo, you might actually come to believe it one day.

I am not listening to this–

Well, you are and you know why. Because all of what I am telling you are the things that you bury deep in your heart. You carry them like a cross you must bear. You cannot argue with that. You cannot argue with me because I'm you, after all. So why suffer when there is a way out of it? A way to end all your misery and you know what it is.

This time Jonas began to try freeing himself in earnest. He was only half-listening to the voice now while his lungs felt like it was close to bursting any moment. He had to get out of there. Now.

Give it up. In a few seconds this ship will explode and it's taking you with it. A fitting grave for someone like you, an obscurity no one would even look for. They treat you like you never existed. They never really respected you. They don't give a damn to what you think or feel.

"Colonel, I've studied every report – every specification – everything you have on the Goa'uld – "

"Because I gave you an order, Jonas. I always have a reason I'm not required to explain. It's a military thing…"

You've been telling them. You know you were right. But did anybody listen? Did any of them take you seriously? Were you even acknowledged at all?

"Jonas, take Davis and Jacob back to the sub and wait for us there."

"Colonel, I'd like to assist Maj. Carter—"

"Jonas."

"Take them back to the sub."

He was now frantic to get out. His vision was starting to dim around the edges. He knew he was losing oxygen. It was only a matter of time.

Never existed…

Yes. If you never existed in the first place none of these would be happening. Everyone would be safe and happy. Dr. Jackson would still be alive. No Colonel O'Neill angry with you. No grieving Maj. Carter. No Teal'c who, for all his supposedly "caring" demeanor, is actually loathing you but his grooming prevented him from showing it. No hate thrown at you. No suffering. No hurt inflicted.

The voice fell deathly silent as those two words reverberated in Jonas' mind as he slowly lost control of his own body, feeling the air in his lungs slowly escaping. The darkness engulfed him as Jonas tried to trash about in a final struggle to survive.

He never existed…

Never existed.

Yes, the voice returned and said in a mere whisper, wouldn't it be nice, would it?

- - - o 0 o - - -

"Urgent message for Mr. Quinn from the High Minister's office."

Jonas snapped dark green eyes wide open at the mention of his name –

And found himself no longer at the bottom of the Arctic Ocean nor was he anywhere on Earth for that matter.

He was now standing dry and warm at the lobby of the Kelownan Ministerial government building, right in the middle of a huge crowd scattered in the four corners of the entrance hall.

What the—

"Hey, you…"

He searched around the high-ceilinged hall to find out where the voice was coming from and found four men looking back at his direction ten feet away. Burly men in familiar building security uniforms.

Alarm bells were frantically ringing in his head as, in a surge of panic, Jonas made a sharp about-face and began walking towards one of the corridors that stemmed out to different parts of the building. He tried to act as casually as he could, not daring to check if the men were following him.

"Hey!"

Jonas broke on a dead run when another man brushed past him out of nowhere. He was tall and skinny with long pale blonde hair tied neatly near the base on his neck. He quickly began shoving people aside to evade the security men that was after him and not Jonas.

Confused at what was happening, Jonas could only look behind his shoulders when he heard running footsteps coming closer. He quickly jumped back and flattened himself against the wall, his heart in his throat, as the four men thundered past him without a backward glance in his direction.

People began to protest at the manhandling they received from them. Others shrieked, some swore angrily while the rest only looked on at the commotion.

What am I doing here?

He turned his gaze back to the hall and saw more than a dozen familiar faces within the crowd. Faces of people he knew and used to work with on Kelowna. People who could surely recognize him but…

They seemed not to notice him. Nor does it seem that they saw him at all.

"Mr. Paye, will you bring this parcel to Mr. Quinn's office? Thank you."

Jonas looked around to where the circular reception area was found and saw a silver-haired man accept a sealed envelope from one of the receptionists and took off. The young man wanted to go after him but was suddenly cut off when a group of harassed-looking young people charged right through him.

Jonas gasped out loudly at the weird sensation he felt. He looked after the group over his shoulder. They were there all right but what about him?

The Kelownan hastily patted his torso to check if everything should be where they ought to be. He felt rock solid enough but how did that happen? That couldn't have been real. There was no way two solid objects could pass through each other like that.

As a matter of fact, none of this could be real. He was aboard a sunken Goa'uld mothership back on Earth, just minutes away from blowing up and seconds away from drowning. Unless…

It already blew up and I'm already dead, Jonas thought, dread gripping his heart. Either that or I already drowned. The words echoed in his mind as he blindly looked around at the crowd in general.

Proof. He needed to have proof. Approach it scientifically, that's what he should do. He looked around once more hoping to find something that could aide his experiment and that something stood just a few feet away from him.

Courting danger, Jonas went to the man reading a local newspaper to his left. He tentatively stood beside him, putting his face a bit closer to the man's ear. "Hello?"

All the man did was flip on to another page and continued reading. Maybe the man's deaf, he told himself so Jonas waved a hand in the space between the man and the paper. He didn't even flinched. Blindness was definitely out of the question.

"They can't see you."

Hackles rose at the back of his neck as he stood there frozen. He knew that voice. He'd easily recognize it anywhere. He slowly turned around and couldn't believe his eyes.

"Least of all, hear you."

"Dad?"

Dr. Enosh Quinn flashed his son a lopsided smile as Jonas stood there stunned with jaws wide open.

"Hello, son."

In a heartbeat, even before Jonas became conscious of what he was doing, his feet automatically propelled him towards his father and into welcoming arms that held him and wrapped him in a tight, fierce hug.

A lump got lodged in his throat as Jonas buried his face on his father's shoulder. Dr. Quinn smiled as he affectionately thumped his son on the back.

Enosh Quinn died when Jonas was only fifteen. His mother when he was eight. This was certainly not one of the things Jonas expected to experience as he savored the comforting warmth, the familiar smell and the feeling of protection that only his father could provide. He lost all of those when he lost his father. There were so many things his son wanted to tell him. So many things left unsaid when he died suddenly. Of how much Jonas missed him. How the world felt so different without him.

"My my. Have you grown!" his father chuckled, eyes twinkling with pride. "Back then I was still a head taller than you and you were so skinny I could easily wrap my arms around you."

"Dad…" Jonas said again, unable to hide the quiver in his voice.

"Now, now, netcheset." Enosh admonished gently, eyes wrinkling in merriment. He ruffled his son's short crop hair just as he used to when he was still alive. "Don't go mushy on me just yet. We still got loads of things to do."

It was a few moments more before Jonas stepped out of his father's embrace looking at him with eyes a bit moist.

"C'mon, let's take a walk, shall we?" Enosh urged his son with a nod of his head.

Jonas meekly nodded and followed. He couldn't trust himself to say anything just yet content on simply having his father's presence near. He didn't know how this happened but he wasn't complaining either.

They went on like this for a few minutes more before Jonas' curiosity got the better of him. "Am I dead?"

Enosh chuckled. "Let's say you are, at the moment, deciding on which side of the road you are going to take."

"So all this is just a dream?"

Enosh cocked his head at him. "What do you think?"

Jonas frowned at his father's question. "I'd have to say it is. Either that or I'm having hallucinations because I am slowly losing oxygen and is about to drown. That I'm really not here. And this place isn't real. And so are you. But the question remains: if this is the last moments of my life, per se, why here? Why not someplace else that I love or had spent the happiest memories on? Is this just a random thought chosen by my brain?"

Enosh laughed softly at his son's reply. "You have always been a very precocious child, bombarding your mother and I of questions children your age rarely concern themselves about. Don't ever change." Jonas glanced at his father, who was an inch taller than him. "Well, if you see fit to dismiss this as a dream or a hallucination, it's up to you."

"So, why are we here?"

"You'll see," Enosh cryptically said. "So, tell me, son. What do you think of your new home?"

"Earth? It's amazing! You have no idea what its people could do. They have these devices called satellites…" Jonas regaled his father of the things that he had experienced since settling down on Earth while Enosh quietly listened. "I would love to get out of the mountain for a while and get some firsthand sightseeing except I'm not allowed to go outside just yet." Because they don't trust me.

Enosh walked quietly for a while. "What about friends?"

Jonas' face quickly shuttered, the light in his dark green eyes suddenly dimmed at the question. "Well, yeah… I guess. There's Teal'c. He's Jaffa from a distant planet called Chulak. A warrior. He's really a great person. Dependable. Dr. Fraiser, she's really nice. There's Maj. Carter, too. A very brilliant scientist and soldier."

"Is that all of them?"

"What? Well, yes. I've only been there for a few weeks. You can't expect me to become friends with all of them over time."

Just then, Jonas saw that they had been reunited with the messenger, Paye, who had stopped in front of a wooden portal and knocked.

"Come on," Enosh urgently whispered in his son's ear when they heard the door being opened from the inside.

Before Jonas could answer, his father disappeared. A sudden prickle of fear made his heart skip a beat. "Dad?"

The young man frantically looked around at the almost empty corridor and was about to go in search of him when he heard a whistle not far away. He found his father already inside the office Paye was entering.

Jonas made a dash for the door before it could close without him, forgetting that he was a nonphysical entity at the moment.

"Does Rhougan seem a bit taller to you than usual?" Enosh Quinn quietly asked.

Jonas started at his father's words and saw for the first time, in over five months, his aide and companion, Rhougan Dubois. His father was right. His aide did seem a little bit taller than Jonas remembered him last. A bit more aloof than the usual. And the hair. And there was a hardened look on his face that seemed alien to Jonas.

It also came as a surprise that the office they had entered was the same one that he occupied during his tenure as the adviser to the former Kelownan High Minister Velise. The rest of his staff were also there at the outer office, huddled around a table with papers in hand, seemingly engrossed in a meeting of some sort for they merely gave the messenger a quick glance before returning back to the conversation that was going on in earnest. And the double doors on the farthest corner of the room was the entrance to Jonas' private office.

"Okay," Jonas slowly began, getting a little spooked. "What are we doing here?"

But Enosh seemed not to hear him. "He's the most loyal friend a man could ever have," he began rather wistfully studying the profile of his old friend. "Next to your mother, Rhougan was the other individual who knew me more than anyone else. Better than myself even. Annoying sometimes but their counsel I pay heed more than any other man."

As father and son looked on while the aide and the messenger talked, a sense of déjà vu jarred Jonas' mind. This particular scene was uncomfortably familiar. It triggered something in his memory that he thought he'd forgotten.

Without any conscious thought, Jonas Quinn suddenly jumped back away from the door. As if on cue, the portal swung inward with a loud bang. In came the scrawny-looking man that he saw at the main foyer earlier. He did not pay attention to where he was going, intently focused on the hallway he had just left, and that was his biggest mistake.

Everything became a blur after that and the next thing Jonas knew, Rhougan had the poor man pinned on the wall right next to him. There came shouts of shock amongst Jonas' staff members, staring at the tableau before them. Who wouldn't when Rhougan had one hand around the man's throat ready to crush the latter's windpipe if he made a single move.

Rhougan Dubois was undeniably strong as Jonas watched speechless at the sight. The older man had always been physically fit and had shown his prowess from time to time but never thought that his father's friend could still move like that. Not that Rhougan was old. He was only a few years older than Jonas' father but having a reflex like that of a younger man was something that always astounded him.

"How come you know that?" was Enosh Quinn's question.

"Because the exact same thing happened on the day I was going to meet SG-1 for the first time." Jonas said looking at poor man whose eyes were bulging for lack of air, clawing desperately at the hand that had him immobile. "I remember there was a commotion outside my office so I went out to take a look and…"

Before Jonas could finish his sentence, the double doors swung inwards and out came a person who was definitely not Jonas Quinn. "Mr. Dubois?"

"Toby?" Jonas exclaimed with disbelief.

Tobias Dykstra was Jonas' most promising assistant and friend. He was also the person Jonas entrusted to personally deliver the reports he made to the High Minister when it was evident that Jonas' enemies wouldn't give him the chance to say his peace regarding the truth of what really happened at the naquadria laboratory, thus exonerating Dr. Daniel Jackson.

Just then, the four security men that gave chase finally appeared, albeit a little out of breath. Seeing that Rhougan had the man in custody they hastily apologized for the disturbance and quickly took the scrawny man from him. The men apologized again and again at the man Jonas called Toby, until all five of them exited the office, the messenger following behind. Rhougan calmly closed the door behind them.

"A message, sir." The aide said, unperturbed. As if nothing had happened a few moments ago. The tawny-haired youth nodded before going inside Jonas' office once again with Rhougan following on his own pace.

The Quinns quickly followed them inside. Jonas was surprised to see the man sitting arrogantly on his chair as Rhougan Dubois laid the parchment on the table in front of him. He quickly thanked the aide and waited for Rhougan to close the doors behind him before he opened the envelope and calmly read the contents of the letter in his hand.

Jonas felt that his privacy had been invaded. "Dad, what's Toby Dykstra doing in my office?"

"Actually," Enosh Quinn began silently. "This is his office, Jonas, and that is his letter."

Jonas wore an "is-this-some-kind-of-a-joke" look as he stared at his father. The letter was clearly meant to be given to him not Toby.

"You see, in this world, he is Toby Quinn, ethical advisor to the Kelownan High Minister Velise."

"What?"

"Simply put, Jonas," Enosh added softly, as father and son looked at each other. "You do not exist in this world."