Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to own Mass Effect. Mass Effect is copyrighted to the Bioware Corporation and Microsoft game studios.
By a Turian's Right Nut
All seemed well in the SS Normandy. The stealth systems were fully operational. The drive core was silent enough to cause an insomnia epidemic among Quarians, and the crew had somehow managed to get along. But deep inside, on the lowest level was a Krogan. But this wasn't any Krogan. It was an unhappy one.
You see, Krogan are happy when they are causing all sorts of mayhem and killing things. This one wasn't killing anyone, he wasn't causing mayhem, he was just leaning on the wall, seeing the various crew members along their business.
"I can't take it anymore!" He yelled as he pulled out a shotgun. No one seemed to give a second glance.
"Wrex," came the Gunnery Chief, her hair wrapped in a bun, "If I have to take that out of your hands one more time…"
The Krogan grumbled, shrinking the gun and remembering his last defeat by the Gunnery Chief. So he decided to go for a walk. He didn't want to go near the drive core, the Quarian would talk his head off with stories about the Floatilla or whatever by a Turian's right nut it was called. Going upstairs meant having to use the elevator, which drove him insane as it took 60 seconds of waiting. So he stomped over by the 6 wheeled assault vehicle by the Turian, checking up on hull.
"So Turian," he crossed his arms, "What are you doing besides killing an entire race?"
"Nothing much," said the Turian, his eyes never leaving the scanner, "Just fixing the mess you did on the Mako."
"That driver's seat was built solely for humans!" He pointed at him. "If that was a Krogan seat-" He was interrupted by bellowing by the other side of the room. Both turned to see none other than Commander Shepard holding his sides.
"And she really dropped him on the floor?" he said, wiping a tear.
"Yeah, he did." The Gunnery Chief smiled.
"I'll tell you Williams, you're lucky to have a family."
"Yeah," she said, diverting her eyes, "really lucky."
"Shepard." spoke the Asari archaeologist, "I was hoping I could help make sense of your vision." The Commander turned around and smiled.
"Of course you can, Dr. T'Soni." The Asari rubbed her head.
"You misunderstand me, Shepard. I was hoping we could do it…in private."
"He's busy." said Williams, before Shepard could get a word out. "Maybe you could talk to him later."
"It's okay, Chief. I better head up to the doctor's room, just to be sure." As they went into the elevator, the Gunnery Chief furrowed her brows and went back to cleaning rifles.
"50 credits on the Asari." the Krogan whispered.
"What?" the Turian responded.
"You heard me; 50 credits on the Asari."
"Yeah, I heard you, but I'm trying to make sure I understand what you're talking about." The Krogan unfolded his arms and leaned to him.
"Look, obviously Shepard's in his mating ritual and he's going to mate with either the Asari or the Gunnery Chief. So I'm saying 50 credits he mates with the Asari."
"You're crazy." The Turian went back to fixing the hull.
"C'mon, you probably guessed by now. So who is it?"
Garrus stood up and looked at him.
"It's obvious he's going with Williams."
"You can't be serious; do you know how seductive Asari are? They once stopped a whole generation of Krogan from breeding."
"That's because no one wants to mate with Krogan women, not even Krogan male!"
"At least Krogan have more nuts than a Turian."
"Yeah, but how can you even consider than when Krogan Testicles are so-"
"Do I have to separate you two?" Williams barked.
"No, ma'am!" She smiled and turned back to her duties. The Krogan leaned in, "So are you in or out?"
"50 credits that he goes with Williams." The Krogan smiled. He was happy.
The Turian eyed the Commander and Williams locked in conversation. Williams was shooting out poetry of all things. The Turian rolled his eyes as the Commander smiled with glee.
"Attention, Normandy." Joker's voice rang through the P.A. System. "This is Joker speaking; we're going through an electric field and will need to turn off artificial gravity. Luckily, simulated gravity will be available, but may cause slight turbulence. On a side note, the waitress will be serving drinks and cocktails and an in-flight movie of Turians: a history."
The Turian groaned. The pilot was known for his annoying sense of humor.Wait, simulated gravity works on only one plane of gravity.
The Turian smirked as he took the elevator up.
The Krogan tip toed carrying a disc into the Commander's quarters. Humans, he never understood how they could sleep in such tiny and soft beds. He slid the disc into the slot.
"I knew this would come in handy some day."
"Hello, Joker." The Turian said, looking at the electrical field throughout the window.
"Oh hey, Garrus. You need something?" The Turian looked around at the highlighted buttons on the console.
"Oh nothing, I just want to make an adjustment to your flight plans."
"Whoa, whoa, hey. The Normandy is my specialty. I'm the one with the piloting license, experience and charming personality after all."
"Yeah, charming." He responded as he shoved in and tapped several buttons rapidly.
"Have you looked out the window lately, Commander?" The Gunnery Chief said in her defense.
"How can you not think there's a higher power behind all this?"
"Well Chief…" Shepard began. The Normandy shook toward the left as the Commander's legs grazed against the Gunnery Chief's thighs.
He jumped back.
"That…was awkward."
"Yeah."
"What do you think you're doing?" Joker yelled as he tried to fight off the Turian's hands.
"I just have to make some adjustments that's all."
"You!" The Krogan's voice boomed as he stormed into the cockpit. "I knew you were behind this."
"Yeah, and what are you going to do?"
The Krogan shoved the Turian's hand aside as he started adjusting the coordinates as well…
Both of them fell over as the ship leaned towards the right. Adding more to the confusion, the Gunnery Chief was kneeled over the Commander's taut, strong body. She began to lean in until the Normandy tipped once more to the left.
"I'm not going to let you win."
"Try and stop me!" They said as they hogged the controls wildly. Joker, remaining calm as he could, pressed a single button, sending both of them flying to the front window.
"And that's why you wear a seatbelt."
"Joker, what was that all about?" The Commander said over the P.A.
"Oh, we just had a disturbance that's all. Two very annoying disturbances."
The Krogan checked to see that the mess was clear before he poured the powder into the coffee. Instead of turning brighter, however, the liquid flashed for a brief moment. He then snuck past the med-bay and placed it in the room within. As he crept out, a voice came, "Just what do you think you're doing?"
"Heh, ensuring my victory." He took him aside.
"I spiked the Asari's drink with a potent aphrodisiac." The Turian looked at him.
"Where did you get an Asari aphrodisiac?"
"My good friend, Aleena, has a trick or two up her sleeve. So happens, I took something one day. After she sips that, she'll be all over him in 10 minutes. Might as well pay me my 50 credits now."
"You're crazy. Shepard's probably going to drink it first."
"I've studied Shepard the moment I got on this ship; he never drinks that stuff on duty."
"You haven't won yet." The Krogan pulled out his pistol.
"Oh yes, I have."
The young Asari leaned over by the desk, noticing a warm, black liquid by it.
"I don't understand this. How can I be feeling this way when I've barely gotten to know you?"
"We don't plan these things. They just happen and we get swept up in the middle of it."
"I see. Shepard, what is this black drink your species constantly consumes?"
"Oh, it's called coffee. It has caffeine to stimulate the person."
"I see...
As both of them peered into the room.
"Hey, maybe we can-"
"You said 50 credits, you better have 50 credits."
Just then an old gray woman pushed them both aside.
"Mr. Urdnot, I sincerely hope that you put that pistol away or Chief Gunnery Williams may reveal those pictures of your last defeat."
"Dr. Chakwas!" The Turian replied with a delighted tone. "You're just the person I wanted to see. Dr. T'Soni may be drinking a liquid that may not be for her best health."
"As long as it's not coffee."
"Actually…"
"You want some sugar with that? Coffee by itself isn't that pleasant."
"I thank you Shepard, but like most things, I prefer truth over pleasantries."
"I hope you aren't thinking of drinking that, Dr. T'Soni." Both turned to see a gray-haired woman at the doorway.
"Oh, hello Doctor." Shepard greeted.
"Caffeine has terrible effects on an Asari. I thought after 100 years of morality would have taught you that." She said as she pulled the coffee from her hands.
"My mistake, Doctor." The gray haired woman raised the Styrofoam cup to hear hand.
"You want some sugar with that, Doc?"
"No thank you, Commander, I take mine black."
"I'm going to kill you!" Said the Krogan, shaking his hand after his pistol exploded.
"Decryption's my specialty. You let your guard down."
"I ougta- Wait. The aphrodisiac!" The Krogan peered into the room as the doctor drank the coffee in all its entirety. The Krogan cursed.
"You said it takes 10 minutes for an Asari. How long is that in human?"
"About 12 seconds."
The look of the doctor's face changed as she covered her mouth, seductively.
"Oh Commander, this won't do at all." She said as she observed him.
"What seems to be the prob-"The doctor put her arms around him as she felt up his chest.
"When's the last time you had a check-up?" she started to pat down his biceps, his chest, his calves, above his calves.
"A vision check? A physical?" She grabbed his taut buttocks. "A prostate exam?"
"Doctor!" The Commander yelled as the Asari looked in shock. "That's highly inappropriate for a-"
"Take off your clothes, or I'll take them off for you." She growled with seduction.
"Pardon me, Shepard, I had no idea that human check ups were so…invasive. I shall leave at once."
The Commander yelled as the Doctor tackled him.
The Commander barely made in his room after his check-up. If he had to take anything like that in a year, he would consider early retirement. He sighed as he booted up the computer. Instead of the usual Alliance desktop, however, he saw something more interesting.
A single human along with a volus, a short and round species that wore suits making them look like little puppies, had mikes in their hands.
"Hi, I'm James McKenzie." The human said.
"And I'm Dek Zarr." Said the volus taking a deep breath in between.
"And welcome to another session of-" The camera pulled back to reveal a nightclub.
"Asari gone wild!" Shepard's eyes popped open. He dove beneath his desk to deactivate his computer. Much to his vain, all he heard was an apparently happy Hanar.
"This one is most pleased by the curvature of the Asari's buttocks." The Commander stood up slowly.
"Ow! Garrus, would you stop pushing?" The Gunnery Chief was nearly shoved through the metal door outside the Commander's quarters.
"C'mon. You know you like him." She scoffed.
"I don't see how that's any of your business. Besides, rules against fraternization are spelled out in Alliance protocol."
"I just want you and the Commander to be happy. Besides, let rules and regulations get in the way and nobody's happy. Trust me, it'll fine."
The Gunnery Chief hesitated for a moment before giving in and opening the door.
No one expected the Commander to have nothing but his underwear on or the fact that he was drooling like an infant Earthborn. No one expected one hand to be inside his pants either.
"Commander!" Garrus yelled as the Commander wiped the drool off his mouth and jerked his hands out of his boxers.
"What's going on here?" The Gunnery Chief asked as she neared the computer.
"This isn't what it looks like!" He said in his defense, covering the screen. She knocked the set of hands off and looked at him.
"Really? Cause it looks like 2 Asari dancing in front of an Elcor!"
"Aroused." The Elcor said through the speaker, "Shake it. Shake it like an ancient human device used to develop photos."
"Ash, I swear, it was like that when I got here!"
"Can you believe this guy, Garrus?" She turned back.
"Garrus?" She sighed and pressed the button, ejecting the disc.
"I never would have expected you to have this in your room." The Commander paused for a moment."
"No, but I bet a certain Krogan may have."
"You set me up!" The Turian yelled as he stood by the Mako.
"Hey, all's fair in Love and shooting someone between the eyes."
"Is that so?" Both turned around to find the Commander, accompanied by the Asari Doctor and the Gunnery Chief.
"Commander!" The Turian said, fumbling with his words. "What are you doing here?"
"Just thought I give Wrex back his 'Asari gone wild' disc." The Krogan eyes bulged for a brief second.
"That ain't mine."
"Really," The Gunnery Chief said in a voice not unlike a sociopath. "Then why does it say, 'Property of Urdnot Wrex'?"
"Aleena!" The Krogan cursed under his breath.
"The jig's up. Joker told us everything about your little bet. Maybe next time, you should remove your battle coms from our suits!"
Both looked at their suits to see a small microphone, attached right to the side of their hips.
"So what! What are you going to do, attack-" Before the Krogan could finish his sentence the Gunnery Chief tackled him and caught him in a half nelson.
"Not my hump! I need that for food!" As the Turian bellowed in laughter, he was covered in a blue light and lifted to the roof.
"Wait! Dr T'Soni, you're not angry I betted against you?"
"Of course not Garrus. I just wanted to find someplace comfortable as I read the entire history of the Protheans. All 10,000 years."
"Wait a minute!"
"Chapter one: the Beginning. The Protheans were an ancient race that first discovered the Citadel. Many believe the Protheans were-"
"NO!"
"What's going on?" The Quarian asked, stepping outside the engine room.
"Get a camera; I think we got some new photos."