I don't own Naruto. this came to me in the middle of the night after i finished reading chapter 380 of the manga. it's pretty... wierd. and crackish. don't say i didn't warn you.

The day had finally come.

After all those years of being powerless to do nothing, all the years of waiting, and the time and energy he put into making himself stronger just to defeat his brother… it was here.

Itachi is reclining on a stone chair, studying him calmly. His cloak is supporting his left arm. Sasuke almost smirks to himself; Itachi didn't look any different from their last confrontation. While Sasuke had been training harder and harder everyday, Itachi had probably just been lying around doing nothing.This was going to be too easy.

"What do you see… with your sharingan?" His brother spoke at last, his eyes never leaving Sasuke's.

"What do I see, Itachi?" Sasuke takes a few steps forward, meeting Itachi's gaze head on. "With the power I've gained, I see one thing, and it's crystal clear." He stops a couple of meters from Itachi's makeshift throne. Itachi lifts his head in interest.

"I see you. Dead." Sasuke is proud of himself; he went through an entire three sentences without his voice cracking. Good thing he was nearing the end of puberty.

"Hmm." Itachi tilts his head up, surveying his younger brother over the bridge of his nose. He drums the fingers of his right hand on the arm of the chair. "Would you like to know what I see, Sasuke?"

Sasuke stares his brother down, feeling even more confident by the second. His brother wasn't anything to be afraid of. "Hn."

The corner of Itachi's lips twitch.

"I see that you seriously need to get laid."

Well, he certainly hadn't been expecting that. Sasuke blinks once. Twice. And then his mouth drops open. Gathering as much composure as he can, he responds with the first thing that comes to mind.

"What? YOU need to get laid!"

Itachi snorts, purposely tossing his hair. "As if. I get dick every night from Kisame."

Sasuke sputters, quite taken aback. "Wha—ew! B-but he's a shark!"

"Yeah, a shark with a huge cock." Itachi smile and looks upwards, apparently recalling some fond memories. "But we're getting off topic here."

"This is ridiculous! I came here to kill you, not to discuss my sex life!"

Itachi sighs. "We just established that you don't have a sex life, Sasuke. And there's no need to get upset. I'm only trying to offer you some useful advice."

"I don't need your advice!"

"Of course you do, I'm your brother." Itachi dismisses Sasuke's outburst with a wave of his right hand.

"Now, what about that blonde boy you used to hang out with, the one with the demon inside of him?" He pauses for a moment, before his lips curl upwards in a smirk. "I'm sure that could be real useful in bed. And he seems to have a thing for you."

Sasuke gapes at him.

Itachi glances at his watchless wrist, then gives a fake gasp. "Oh, look at the time! It's been great seeing you again, but I have to run. People to kill, lives to ruin, you know the deal."

"But Sasuke, one more thing." Itachi stands up slowly, then stretches, sighing a bit as his lower back cracks. Sasuke is frozen in shock as his brother approaches him and leans down so he is eye level with his brother.

"Stop following me around, that shit's getting annoying." Then he ruffles Sasuke's hair and starts walking towards the exit. "Bye!"

"W-wait!"

Itachi turns slowly, irritation written all over his face. "What?"

"Just… please. Tell me why you did it. W-why you killed them all."

"Oh, that." Itachi rolls his eyes, as if that was the last question he expected Sasuke to ask. He looks thoughtful for a moment, then shrugs. "No reason."

Sasuke very nearly passes out. Itachi turns and continue on his way out, humming a funeral song under his breath. When he reaches the exit he calls out, "And remember to use protection, so you don't catch anything! It would suck being a shinobi with syphilis."

Then he was gone.

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