Preface: Since my last two Hidan and Deidara fics seemed to make an impression, I decided to expand and make one with a different idea of teamwork behind it. Plus this time I'm using dry humor instead of crack humor, so it'll be pretty different. Oh, and I'm not trying to bash the characters; it just accentuates the irony if I'm really sarcastic.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

Warnings/About: I'd rate this between a T and an M mainly because of STRONG! Language, obviously. Sarcasm is definitely used here. This is Non-yaoi (I'll do one soon, I promise).Oh, and OOC-ness is a possibility. Hope you enjoy!

Cataclysm

Chapter I

The Clam Before the Storm

XxXxX

The calm before the storm.

Looking back to a few days ago, that's what Hidan thought of that lazy afternoon spent skewering himself like the little silver-haired shrimp he was. It had been pleasant, as always, lying half-submersed in his own blood; reveling in that surcease of worldly concerns; his life force being steadily pumped out of him, making him feel closer to the Divine. He never wanted to get up. And in retrospect, he never should have. It would have saved him a LOT of stress.

XxXxX

It all started when that little blonde bombshell came thundering down the halls like the Angel of Death; effectively shattering the serene atmosphere of the afternoon. Deidara tore around corners, upsetting many a potted plant in his furor. Finally, he reached his destination, and all but ripped the door from its hinges as he screamed in terror,

"HIIIDAAAAAN!"

The immortal casually cracked one violet eye open, and looked up at the distraught blonde from his position on the floor; too relaxed to even be profane.

"Hmm?"

"Th-this is a-a disaster-no, it's worse than that-it's a catastrophe..a-a-a-A CATACLYSM!" Deidara was so pumped up from whatever it was, he was stuttering.

"Well, what the fuck is it, blondie?" Hidan said, tone still mild.

"I...I..." Deidara's eyelids flickered closed and he sunk to the floor as his knees gave out-sweat cascading down his face, "I...Kakuzu's safe...in the bathroo-" He let out a dry sob.

Hidan could almost feel all the blood drain from his face and join the madly gushing tributaries flowing out of his chest, as his heart began a crazed drumroll.

"You. Didn't."

Deidara flinched at Hidan's frigid tone; stuttering becoming more pronounced, "I-i-i-it's not what you th-think! I was going in his room to borrow a towel. Whe-when I walked into the ba-bathroom, I bumped into a glass of orange juice on the counter, and knocked it over. Some of the papers on top of the safe got wet, and it would have been sticky..."

The blonde gulped and continued, gaining steam.

"So I went back to my room quickly, and grabbed a spray bottle that I thought was full of multi-surface cleaning solution..."

Hidan felt his stomach drop, as cold, raw panic infiltrated his system.

"And...what...was it?"

Deidara squeezed his eyes shut tight, as if to block out Hidan's reaction, and in a barley audible voice whispered the word of the day.

"Acid"

Hidan was apoplectic.

" WHAT THE FUCKING HELL WERE YOU THINKING, YOU ABSOLUTE NINCOMPOOP!"

"IT'S NOT MY FAAAULT!" Deidara wailed, "Sasori-no-Danna never marked his bottles, and really, you shouldn't leave juice sitting around!"

"IT WASN'T MY FUCKING JUICE!!" Hidan's violet eyes were popping out of his finely-featured head, as he stood up and wrenched his pike from his torso with a sickening scraping sound. " Pulp is a bitch on my digestion. I NEVER drink orange juice, it must have belonged to my money-whore of a partner!"

"His greatest love...destroyed by his own juice. Oh, the irony!" Deidara solemnly stated.

Hidan slapped him across the face.

"PULL IT TOGETHER, BLONDIE! When will Kakuzu be back?"

Deidara rubbed his cheek, and, obeying the immortal, answered.

"In about ten minutes...oh man, what the hell are we gonna do?"

"What's this 'we' I'm hearing? It was your fault! YOU'RE gonna go ask Zetsu what to do. I want no part in this."

"F-fine. But if he comes back early..." Deidara said

"I don't EVEN wanna think about that. " Hidan said, panic rising. "I'm gonna go check this out for myself, and by the time i get back here in exactly two minutes you better have a way outta this, or it'll mean your ass. Now Go!" He grabbed the blonde by the shoulders, spun him around, and smacked his tushie for emphasis.

XxXxX

Hidan practically flew to Kakuzu's room to inspect the damage for himself. Upon arriving, he found that the safe was indeed no more than a puddle- and a slightly citrus-y smelling one at that.

"Ohhh...that damn brat's done it now..." Hidan grumbled. He backed cautiously out of the bathroom, and then in turn out of the bedroom, and was just closing the door as cautiously as humanely possible, when,

"Hidan?"

The immortal paled, he would know that voice anywhere.

"Oh...Shit."

XxXxX

TBC

Well, there ya have it. I was originally gonna make this a one-shot, but then I thought, hey, what the heck? I was planning on doing another chapter story anyways, so I might as well do this as a little three-chapter one. Next chapter will be up in a week at the