This was supposed to be finished a few days ago, and I'd like to blame its contents on December depression. At least the parts that I can't blame on Sunrise. Anyway, happy Easter.
Like the Snow
The oaken door to her bureau was slowly opened and Natsuki looked up from the documents she was reading, watching how Shizuru entered, holding a tray with a tea pot and two cups and saucers in her hands, smiling over to her before turning around and carefully closing the door again with her elbow.
She then walked over to the lounge suite diagonally in front of the desk and put the tray down on the coffee table, bending slightly. Delicate hands took the tea pot and deftly poured the steaming red liquid into the two glass cups. One hand taking a cup, the other its saucer, Shizuru straightened up again and came over to her desk, placing down the longed for drink in a safe distance to the dark-haired woman's papers.
"Thank you," sighed Natsuki gratefully, shortly closing her eyes as her nose picked up the reviving scent of the herbal mixture.
Answering with a warm smile, the Graceful Amethyst fondly looked at her before her attention was abruptly drawn to the row of windows at her back. "It's snowing," she said surprised and slowly started to walk towards the office's window front.
Natsuki turned her head, following her with her eyes, blurrily seeing the white flakes whirl through the vespertine darkness outside. She got up from her chair and joined the older Meister in front of the tall window pane, watching the snowflakes floating through the air in a wild dance, spinning, drifting, left to right and back again, wherever the wind carried them, until they finally reached the ground, allowed to lay down and rest.
"The first this winter," noted the Gakuenchou quietly, and Shizuru nodded subtly, "Hm," being her vague answer, her mind seemingly distant.
The dark-haired woman silently returned to her chair shortly later, taking a few sips from the now only warm tea before concentrating on the paperwork again.
Why did there always pile so much up in December? It was as if suddenly everyone was remembering all the things that should have been done throughout the whole year, and now that it was winding to an end, proposals for new regimentations and laws popped up everywhere like mushrooms in a fairy ring. And Garderobe being at the centre of everyone's interests was not spared from the creativity of the countries' leaders and their advisors; every year, there were countless drafts for new regimentations and bills waiting for her, wanting to be read and discussed in seemingly endless meetings.
Grumpy, she stared at the papers in front of her. It was not as if those would be ready to be passed this year anyway.
She turned her head, looking over her shoulder. Shizuru was still standing where she had left her, at the window, staring into the dark outside.
"Your tea will get cold," informed Natsuki her.
"Hm." The brown-haired Otome slowly removed herself from the window, walking over to the couch and sitting down, all the while watched by the younger one.
It weren't really all those last-minute regimentations that occupied Natsuki's mind during December, and neither were it the preparations for the festive season. In midst of all the hustle and bustle of the ending year, on the 19th of December - tomorrow, to be exact - fell Shizuru's birthday.
And every year, the students would surpass themselves to delight their beloved onee-sama on that special day. And especially during that time, Natsuki did wonder, why was it so easy for those kids to show their affection for the other Pillar when she herself couldn't? Was it, because for them, it was merely a temporary crush on the paragon they were emulating, and not, like for herself, something... deeper...? She did not know.
And lately, whenever her mind reached that point, work suddenly seemed to be a very good idea. Feelings were matters she had never been able to handle well, and there were always other, urgent matters that had to be dealt with.
She was quite aware that she had more and more taken refuge in her work - especially since then - and yet, she couldn't help it. It was easier to talk about state affairs than about feelings.
And as much as all that extra work in December was dreaded, in a way it was also welcomed.
Casting one last unhappy glance at Shizuru taking a sip from her tea, she focused on the papers before her again. This needed to be done.
A few hours later, after having worked through ludicrous proposals for new regimentations about the colours of the school uniforms and the like, as well as the annual requests for a change in the Otome limitation laws (to the benefit of the requesting countries, of course) the pile of unread documents on her desk had visibly diminished.
Natsuki leaned back in her chair, closing her tired eyes for a moment, then looking over to Shizuru who was still sitting on the couch, an open book on her knees, the cup and tea pot on the coffee table in front of her long empty.
It was late already, almost 11 p.m., yet she was still there. She would always stay, only leave when she herself was leaving. It was part of her job, but by far not to that extent. Yet she'd always stay by her side, silently accompany her.
She would usually be reading, sometimes a book, more often the documents Natsuki had been working on earlier. She knew about all of Garderobe's affairs like herself, and she was always the person she'd ask for advice first and whose opinion she'd value the most.
Lost in thought studying Shizuru's silent form, it suddenly occurred to her that she had not turned the page for quite some time now. Her mind was obviously somewhere else.
Natsuki unhappily turned her gaze down at the desktop. She had been noticing this for a while now, and especially during the past weeks, it had occurred more often that Shizuru suddenly seemed so distant, her thoughts somewhere else, not with her anymore.
But how could she blame her when she herself was not any better?
She had silently withdrawn herself from her, hiding behind her work, more than ever since those fateful events in late summer that were tied to the meteor crash and the appearance of Yuna and had led to Shizuru's petrification.
Once again, Natsuki had been rendered powerless, unable to help her, bound to her role as headmistress, unable to leave her duties behind and act as she had wished, restriced to send others on missions and wait for their findings.
And during that time of restless waiting, worrying and hoping at Garderobe, during those few hours at night when no one had been around, she had stealthily snuck through the dim corridors, over to that room next to the lab that had been turned into a 'sleeping room' for the petrified Otome.
Countless hours she had spent in that room, standing before Shizuru's statue, looking at her stony features frozen in surprise, wondering what she had seen, what she had thought, what she was thinking now - was she thinking at all?
Sitting on the ground in front of her when she couldn't stand anymore.
One time, she had fallen asleep crouching on the carpet, only woken up by a worried Youko the other morning, who had half joking, half serious asked her if they should set up a camp bed.
And never before had she missed the sound of Shizuru's voice so bitterly.
She didn't know when she had started to talk to her, though maybe it had more been talking to herself after all. What else could it have been when Shizuru had not been able to answer? She had not even been able to hear her, the reactions the petrified Otome had shown to outside stimuli had been very subtle and fuzzy, and Youko and Gal had suspected that they had been mere coincidence, and when asked later, the respective Otome had not been able to say much about that either.
But she knew when she had first touched her; when she had, in shock and stunned, first seen her petrified figure, she had without thinking reached out to touch the stone, her fingers tracing the motionless features while her mind had been having trouble to understand and accept what her eyes and hands had been telling her.
During those woken nights, she had sought comfort in touching the stony surface, caressing the still face that had felt so warm, so alive under her fingers.
And yet, despite the affection she had felt and shown at that time, when the petrification had been reversed, she had found herself incapable of approaching Shizuru in the way she had wanted to, the way she had thought she had longed for.
She still hadn't found a way to overcome her hesitant, insecure, and maybe cowardly self, and try to tell her how she felt. She was too caught up in her old ways.
And with the relief about Shizuru's awakening also came the shame of her own shortcomings, the feeling of having failed her again - as unfounded as it might seem, from a more rational point of view.
As if seeking for help, Natsuki's eyes turned to the batch of unread documents, and she slowly took the next few stapled papers into her hands, although she could not really concentrate.
Sometimes, she wondered if it all wasn't already too late for them, captivated by the past, with too many things between them neither of them dared to talk about.
She didn't know. And she still had not thought about the speech for the school's Christmas celebration.
She was so caught up in her unhappy thoughts that she had not really noticed that Shizuru had got up from the sofa and come over to her, and startled, she twitched when the other stepped behind her and lightly laid her hand on her shoulder.
"Let's quit for today," said Shizuru softly, her other hand reaching for the paper Natsuki was holding, and the raven-haired woman turned her head to look at her, a protest forming on her lips, but something in those crimson eyes made her remain silent.
"Let's quit for today," repeated Shizuru, a bit more determined, and Natsuki gave in, mumbling, "O-okay," letting the other take the papers out of her hands.
After putting the papers back on their respective pile and making sure that Natsuki really got up from her chair, the brunette slowly walked over to the window again.
"It's a lovely night, isn't it?" she asked quietly when Natsuki joined her, and the latter vaguely nodded, making an affirmative 'Hm'-sound.
Shizuru was right, it was indeed a beautiful view that presented itself when gazing through the window pane. It had stopped snowing and the sky was clear, the light of the almost full moon shining brightly upon the white landscape outside.
"How about a walk?" asked Shizuru, a hopeful look in her eyes.
Natsuki knew that there were questions, and questions that weren't. This one clearly fell into the second category. And yet... "Now?" she dared to ask in return, casting a sceptical glance into the night.
"Now," confirmed Shizuru with determination, and the dark-haired woman realised that, if she wanted or not, she had no other choice than to say, "Okay."
And so they left the office, heading over to their quarters to get their coats, first reaching Natsuki's, leaving Shizuru to walk alone on the last few metres to her own.
Rummaging around in her wardrobe in search for her winter clothes, Natsuki thought that maybe a nightly walk wasn't such a bad idea after all. Her spirits heightened, she even found herself humming.
At least until the exhaustive search for her gloves remained unsuccessful, and she puzzled started to ruminate where she might have put them last year. But she could absolutely not remember and she did not have time to mull over it forever, Shizuru was probably already waiting.
So she quickly tied her scarf around her neck and slipped into her coat, hurrying to the door, where she exchanged her low shoes with her boots.
Opening the door, she found Shizuru who was just about to knock, her hand slightly raised. With a smile, the brunette lowered her arm. "Can we go?"
"Hm."
They went back down the corridor, this time past the headmistress' bureau, and soon found themselves on the patio outside the building.
"It's cold," mumbled Natsuki when she felt the harsh winter air on her skin.
"Hm," made Shizuru, an almost blissful smile on her lips, and linked arms with her, cosying up a bit, like always when no one else was around.
From the patio, they did not take the broad steps that led down towards the entrance section of the school grounds, but a narrow and winding path at the side that led straight into the academy's park.
The night was surprisingly bright, the by the snow reflected moonlight immersing everything in an ethereal glow, and she could clearly see their surroundings as they were walking the slanting path downhill, past the bushes and hedges that had been so green and laden with leaves during summer, shielding the path from view, and were now bare, the black branches sticking out of the white snow like rackabones.
They silently followed the way further into the natural kept part of the garden, into a maze of narrow footpaths framed by trees and bushes. Treading the snowy ground at a moderate pace, their steps never slowed down or became unsure, they had been walking these paths for more than a decade and were unerringly approaching the copse that was waiting further ahead.
Entering the copse, it became notable gloomier, but still, the narrow path was clearly visible, a white band meandering through the jungle of skeletal shrubs and trees.
After a while, the tall trees around them were clearing up, and there it was, the lake, lying still and minatory before them, the water glistening black.
Their steps were slowing, halting at the snow covered banks grown with pale blades of reed close to the water, standing not far from the short pier that was extending into the lake.
They had come here so many times, and when Natsuki closed her eyes for a moment, she could see the water turn blue, sparkling with the reflections of the sun high up in the azure sky. The reed was softly rustling in the gentle summer breeze, the air warm and so alive with the scent of the water, the grasses and blooming bushes around, and the warmed wood of the pier's planks underneath her. And she could almost hear the splashing of water as Shizuru jumped into the cool wet.
The lake was all theirs during the summer holidays.
Natsuki turned her head upwards, looking at the clear night sky above, gazing at the countless stars on the firmament. Inhaling the crisp winter air, watching how her breath rose up in little, mist-like puffs, quickly dispersing into the night.
She looked at Shizuru beside her, but she didn't notice, her eyes fixed on some point in the distance. Only after half a minute or so, she turned her head, a faint smile on her lips.
"It's beautiful, isn't it? The snow?" she asked quietly, looking back at the lake, and Natsuki wondered why she sounded so sad.
Sometimes, she thought she knew her better than herself, but at times, she couldn't read her at all.
"Yes, it is," she answered in the same quiet tone.
Almost absent-mindedly, Shizuru nodded and drew away her arm that had been linked with Natsuki's until now. "Yes," she whispered, making a small step forward, slowly taking off her right glove, holding it with the other hand. "It is beautiful, so alluring white and pure, and you can't help but want to touch it, to hold it and feel the soft flakes."
Natsuki watched how she bent down and took some of the snow into her hand. Her voice sounded so weird, sad and so distant, as if she was talking to herself, or no one in particular, and the raven-haired woman was starting to feel a bit uneasy.
Shizuru straightened up again, carefully holding the snow in her open hand, turning to her before she continued to speak. "But when you touch it," she said, whispering, "it's cold - so cold, it hurts and makes you want to let go." She paused, her fingers slowly closing around the bit of snow in her palm. "But if you don't let go, if you keep holding on, the snow eventually melts, and all that remains is a fuzzy feeling of warmth." The hand that held the snow weakly lowering, she turned away, looking at the lake again, her voice barely audible as she continued, "Sometimes, I like to think that you're like the snow, and that... if I... if I-"Her voice simply broke, and Natsuki looked at her in shock, her mind blank, unable to process what she had just heard.
Was she really like that? Was she that cold?
"Shizuru...?" she whispered hoarsely, but the brunette didn't react, standing completely still, her posture tense, the head slightly lowered.
Deeply worried, Natsuki went closer to her, studying her face in the gloomy light, seeing something glistening on her face, affected realising that she was silently crying.
Her eyes fell on the hand that was still clutching the snow, and she took it into her own, carefully forcing it open, making her let go of the white little ball.
Shizuru's hand was wet, wet and cold, no matter how warm it might feel to her, and Natsuki kept holding it tightly, gently wrapping her fingers around.
Looking up again, into the other's distraught face, Natsuki felt a lump forming in her throat, and with one hand, she slowly reached up, hesitantly, wanting to comfort her, touch her, and she tenderly cupped her cheek, caressing, her thumb lightly stroking the wet skin, trying to wipe the tears away. She wanted to say something - anything - to solace her, but as always, words failed her.
As she touched her, Shizuru closed her eyes for a moment before she looked at her again and asked with a slightly shaking voice, "You came to me, didn't you? When I was petrified, you came to me and touched me like that?"
Natsuki froze, surprised staring at her, feeling the heat rush into her face. Ashamed biting her lower lip, she indicated a single nod, anxiously watching Shizuru while slowly drawing back her hand.
Sounding utterly hurt and confused, Shizuru continued, "But afterwards, you- you just-" Her shoulders shrugged helplessly, and Natsuki was unable to hold back the tears she had been trying to suppress anymore.
As they were running hot over her cheeks, Natsuki leaned forward, wrapping her arms around Shizuru so abruptly, that she stiffened in surprise for a moment before embracing the trembling woman who was crying into her neck.
"I'm sorry," uttered Natsuki hoarsely, still hiding her face in the brown locks. "I- I couldn't do anything- I couldn't- I- I wanted- I wanted to help you- but I- I-" Her words became more and more incoherent and eventually broke off as she was shaking in Shizuru's arms, desperately clinging to her, and if the brunette had not supported her, she would've probably sunk to the ground, it was as if all strength had left her.
Her one hand lightly rubbing her shoulder, then stroking her hair, Shizuru leaned her head against hers, pulling her closer, and Natsuki could feel her warm breath grazing her skin as she started to speak again.
"I knew it was you," she whispered, her voice a bit more composed than before. "And as I was caught in this indescribable nothingness, in this state between sleeping and waking, I was waiting, longing for the moment you would come back and touch me again with your hands so gently and put your arms around me... In those moments, when I could feel you, I knew that I was still alive, hoping that maybe, one day, I would see you again."
Hearing those words whispered into her ear, Natsuki slowly straightend up, shifting a bit in Shizuru's arms, loosening her hold on her so that she could look into her face, finding it marked by their shared pain, open and vulnerable like she had never seen it before.
She couldn't bear it anymore, couldn't bear to see her - both of them - hurting like this, wanted to make it all end, now, feeling that she had to be the one because Shizuru would never make the first step, too often had she kept her at distance.
Her eyes flitting unsteadily over the other's face, Natsuki slowly drew nearer, tilting her head, taking the closing of her eyes as permission to proceed and softly kissed her.
It didn't last long with her slightly quivering lips and blocked nose not being very cooperative, but the feeling of Shizuru responding and pulling her closer was infinitely relieving and soothing, and only reluctantly let she go of her when she moved a bit away afterwards.
Carefully taking in Shizuru's expression, she thought that she had never seen her smile like that, and she was sure that, if it had been brighter, she'd have had the rare chance to see the Graceful Amethyst blush.
Her hand gently brushing over her cheek and running through her hair, Shizuru leaned in again and Natsuki closed her eyes, but instead of kissing her on the mouth, the brunette's lips softly touched her cheek and then the skin beneath her ear, making her shudder.
She pulled away again, and the raven-haired woman opened her eyes, a bit perplexed watching how Shizuru was fumbling in her coat pocket, bringing out a pack of tissues. "Blow your nose," she said softly, holding the pack towards her.
Something between a chuckle and a sob escaped Natsuki's lips and she took one of the offered tissues, a bit embarrassed blowing her nose, peering over to Shizuru who was about to do the same.
Waiting for Shizuru to finish, she became a little nervous and self-conscious again, but when the other eventually looked at her, she was surprised to see her own worries reflected in her face.
And when Shizuru pulled her into her arms once more and kissed her tenderly, she found herself trembling, almost starting to cry again. Would things be alright from now on? She didn't know.
But right now she wanted to believe they would, wanted to believe everything would work out right. Her heart felt so light as Shizuru's body was pressed against hers, arms wrapped tightly around her back and waist, and she softly kissed her over and over again, her mouth, her cheeks, moving along the salty trails of dried and fresh tears and back to her lips, her hands entangled in the brown hair.
Only after some time they paused, and Natsuki let her head sink against Shizuru's shoulder, nuzzling her neck and closing her eyes. She suddenly felt very tired, but also at an ease with the world like she had not in a long, long time. With a content smile on her lips, she dwelled in the other's warmth, listening to her at first slightly ragged then steadying breathing, and she was almost drifting off to sleep when she was suddenly stirred up again by the sound of a bell striking, once, twice...
She counted the strikes coming from the bell tower of the great assembly hall, even though she already knew that it was twelve. A new day had begun.
She lifted her head slightly, about to whisper into Shizuru's ear, but then paused, it somehow didn't feel right at the moment. 'Later,' she thought, softly kissing her love's cheek.
"Let's go back," she said then, removing herself from her arms, smiling as Shizuru looked a bit perplexed at her, not happy about the sudden loss of contact.
"Let's go back," she repeated, softly kissing her lips once more before she took her hand and went off, pulling Shizuru after her the first steps until she had caught up.
Noticing her confused glances, Natsuki squeezed her hand and gave her a reassuring smile, pretending to be more confident than she actually was.
She didn't know what would happen, but she knew one thing for sure: she didn't want to be like the snow. She wanted the warmth she gave to be real.