Damned If You Do
Author: Morgan72uk
Rating: T
Summary: Faced with an impossible choice, the Director makes a decision that she and everyone else will have to live with. And that's when things really start to unravel.
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters, don't have any money - and I probably shouldn't be doing this.
Part 1
You could hear a pin drop in MTAC – which was quite a feat given that there were at least a dozen people in the room. Some were bent over terminals, checking data, receiving reports from all over the world. Others were in the room to offer assistance in a case that had caught up 2 teams and was now heading for a deadly conclusion. But whatever their reason for being there, no one was making any pretence about the fact that they were watching the drama unfold around the woman standing in front of the video screen.
McGee didn't know how Director Shepard was staying so calm and in control. She hadn't raised her voice, wasn't pacing or giving any indication that she was anxious. Instead she had kept track of every snippet of information, following the separate threads of the investigation, giving orders, making suggestions. Earlier she had been standing at his shoulder, offering quiet encouragement as he teased the technology at his disposal into co-operation.
Perhaps if he knew her better he'd be able to detect the strain he was sure she must be feeling. But of all the team, he was the one who knew her least. Gibbs had been her partner and, if you believed Tony, perhaps something more; Ducky kept his distance until he forgot and told stories about her exploits as an agent, Tony and Ziva both had their own connection with her and even Abby seemed to get under her skin at times.
He was very aware that he'd never really thought about her, except as an authority figure who sometimes had the ability to open doors that had remained stubbornly closed to other approaches. And suddenly it mattered a great deal that despite all of his knowledge, all the things he could use a computer to find the answer to, he had no idea what decision she would make – and what would inform that decision. It made him feel surprisingly powerless.
This lack of knowledge was of more than academic interest; because the Director of NCIS had two teams trapped in an underwater power station, with the clock ticking on its structural integrity. Of course, the teams weren't in the same part of the building and everything they knew to date indicated there would only be enough time to get one team out before the structure, weakened by several explosions, succumbed to the pressure from the water surrounding it and collapsed.
A specialist unit from the Coast Guard was on site – ready to attempt a rescue mission. The Commander was giving Shepard his recommendations now, but everyone knew that the final decision was hers and that decision, once made, would likely condemn some of her agents to death.
McGee knew should have been down there with Gibbs, Tony and Ziva – not sitting in the safety of MTAC trying to get a better pinpoint on their exact location within the ailing structure. He could hardly stand to think about what he would do if the decision was to send the rescue team to the others first, he wasn't ready to think about losing his family.
Director Shepard knew that everyone was watching her, waiting to see what she would do. But the only person she was interested in right now was the Lt. Commander on the other end of video link. The one telling her that she was going to have to make a choice about who lived and who died.
"The route to Agent Gibbs' team is clearer – but they are slightly further away from the only viable entry point. Agent Ramsay's team is closer – but the damage in that area is more substantial. If we have to clear it to get to them I don't see how we'll reach the others. I don't recommend splitting my team – we need as many people as possible to clear the area and pull your agents out."
If she sent them to rescue Ramsay and his team first they might get them out but, if the assessment of the damage was accurate, they wouldn't get to Gibbs and his team before the area was flooded. On the other hand she could send them to rescue Jethro and the others first but the slightly longer time it took to reach them would make it far harder for them to get to Ramsay.
It was as close to a no win situation as she was ever likely to get and she was out of time; she had to make a decision.
"I want you to try to reach Agent Gibbs and his team first – if they are unharmed take them with you to try to get to the others. The extra hands might buy you some time."
"Yes Ma'am." It was a desperate gamble and an additional risk to both teams; but it was the only thing she could think of, the only way to try to get them both out. As Director of this agency there was no way she could countenance abandoning any of her people. But, she knew such a choice could yet result in the loss of both teams.
"I'd like a situation report as soon as you have one. Good luck."
And so began the longest thirty minutes of her life. There was nothing any of them could do – the only option was to wait and to hope. She knew how important it was that everyone in this room believed she was in control and that she had complete confidence that the rescue would be a success.
Her years undercover and in the field had exposed her to more than her fair share of dangers. She knew how to keep her head under pressure, how to use the adrenaline, not be overwhelmed by it. She'd run operations in perilous situations; risked her own life and other peoples, made difficult decisions when the situation demanded it and all her experience told her there was a gulf between taking the difficult decisions and living with the results of them.
But it was done now; she'd made her decision – set the rescue mission in motion. She would have to live with the choice she'd made – whatever the consequences. If she'd had more time, if they'd been able to gather more information; perhaps she might have chosen differently. She was entirely aware that she could easily have miscalculated and while this wasn't the time to second-guess herself, she knew that such a time would come.
She wanted to fidget, to pace – but she forced herself to sit in the chair she'd returned to and worked hard to give the impression of composure. She could see the tension radiating off McGee who was sitting in front of a desk of computers. He was probably thinking that he ought to have been there with Gibbs and the others. But without him here she would have had far less information to base her decision on; though perhaps that wasn't something he needed to know at this point. She knew she ought to say something to him, but the right words escaped her at this precise moment and saying the wrong thing would be far worse than silence. If he turned out to be the only team member who survived he was going to need more than a few words to get him through and he wouldn't be the only person devastated by the loss.
She knew first hand that Leroy Jethro Gibbs had a habit of pulling off miracles – now would be a very good time for him to demonstrate that ability.
For the last three hours, as this situation had unfolded she had been thinking of him as Agent Gibbs. Now, sitting in the almost dark, with no idea if he was alive or if her own order had resulted in his death, she was prepared to concede that the situation was more complicated than that. He was her best agent and a perpetual thorn in her side. He'd been her teacher, her mentor and her lover. And now – well, she wouldn't even attempt to define their relationship.
The history between them was complex and not as dead and buried as they both liked to pretend. She wasn't sure they would ever get to a point when they were comfortable with their past, when they could reminisce and be comfortable in doing so. There were times when they both forgot and simply relaxed; slipping into roles they had established years before, but those occasions were few and far between. And then there were the other moments, the ones when she was forced to confront the fact that she was not as immune to his pull as she liked to think.
She'd existed for 6 years without him and only in quiet moments, in some very out of the way places, had she thought about what she had left behind when she'd left him. Recent events had proved she could trust him to watch her back, even when she was involved in something he didn't agree with, even when he was mad as hell with her.
She could read him, most of the time, and probably knew him better than any other person in her life. But that didn't mean she could control what he did – or her reaction to it.
Whatever truths she preferred not to admit to, whatever tangled emotions lay between them, she couldn't imagine her life without him in it – and God; she didn't want to have to try.
There was a crackle on the other end of her head-set and the technician looking after the video feed didn't have to tell her that it had been activated. She pushed herself to her feet – determined that this was the kind of news that had to be received standing up.
TBC