Epiphanies
A/N: This is my first Palex fic. It's a bit outside my comfort zone, since I normally work only in Teen Titans. Anyway it's a rather one-sided piece, focusing more on Alex's feelings rather than Paige's. It's set during the whole Spinner-Paige-Jesse thing. Um, that's about all I have to say for this piece. I hope you like it.
Disclaimer: I, sadly do not own Degrassi: TNG. If I did Paige never would've kicked Alex out, and JT would be alive.
Beta'd by: They-Call-Me-Orange. Many thanks to you. One of these days I'm going to explain to you how I slept through English and therefore have no comprehension of 'tenses'.
Alex wasn't sure how to play this game. The rules kept changing and the star player kept switching teams. One moment she was here, the next moment she was there. She tried to keep up, tried to follow the plays and even the score. But it seemed like every time she got close to the goal, the rules changed and she was losing once again.
Maybe it was because she hadn't done this in so long. She hadn't been that unrequited lover, sidekick, quirky best friend for quite a while. Before Paige had been Jay and they had been Jay and Alex and Alex and Jay for so long that she barely remembered the ones who came before him. That was it. She'd been out of practice for too long. A quick refresher, a short scrimmage and she was good. She could do it, do this. She could be Paige's wingman, be Paige's sidekick. She could be the friend who counseled her friend through her trials with love. She could do this. She'd be fine.
Barely a week later and she had had enough. She'd tried. She really and truly had given it her all. She had smiled and listened and advised so much that she felt like Dr. fucking Phil. She'd said all the right things, made all the right faces and noises and made all the right jokes. She had played her part so well that she felt she should win a freaking Oscar.
She really had tried. But damn it all if it wasn't killing her bit by fucking bit. She was positive that every time she heard about a late night with Spinner or a make-out session with Jesse (who honestly wasn't all that cute), that every time she had to listen to every inane conversation that had taken place, a piece of her sanity died. That she was losing her mind more and more each day.
She couldn't, wouldn't do this anymore. It was beginning to hurt too much.
She hadn't expected it to hurt. Why should it? She had Carla, while Paige had Spinner. Or was it Jesse? Either way Alex shouldn't have been hurting. She had moved on. She had gotten over her. Let her go. She had no reason to feel this way.
It isn't until later, as she counted the water spots and cracks in her grimy ceiling that it hits her. Like a cinderblock to sternum, the reason for her hurt slammed into her, leaving her gasping and choking for air like Paige during a panic attack. She hates when these damn epiphanies do this to her. Whatever happened to those light bulb moments?
As the wheezing subsides and her breath returns, she acknowledges the truth that's been lurking in her brain since this whole stupid 'friend' debacle began.
She doesn't want Carla. Pretty, smart, determined, duller than dull Carla is not for her.
But that wasn't her revelation was. No, that little gem she had already known about. This revelation was bound to better than that, it was bound to worth all the gasping and wheezing.
And then there it was.
She loved Paige. So much so that it left her head spinning and spots behind her eyes. Loved her so much, so goddamn much, that she was willing to do anything, anything at all just to be in her life. Even if it meant she was nothing more than a friend to her. She was willing to settle for some of Paige instead of nothing at all.
God, she couldn't do this again. Couldn't fall for her, couldn't let her back in. She'd only end up broken again, with her heart smashed into a million pieces all puréed in a blender of heartbreak. She didn't think she could survive going through it a second time around.
But then she'd kissed her; in the middle of a fight about everything and nothing. And sure she was angry, they were angry and she was really trying to make her point with said kiss, but she'd be damned if it wasn't a really good kiss. The kind of kiss that tasted like cherries and sent deliciously quick jolts of heat to her core, the kind that left her breathing hard with that wonderfully painful ache in her chest, the kind of kiss that made her want more. Too bad she'd walked away. Too bad she'd said no before she had even heard the question.
And even though Alex had seen it coming, even though she knew it would happen, that didn't stop her heart from shattering, didn't keep it from breaking.
A/N: Ummm…yeah. So here it is. Tell me what you think. Please.