I don't know how many of you have seen the Weasley family tree that JKR just put out, but I was incensed by most of what I read in it. Because what she decided (again, completely after the fact) is completely wrong! If any of you haven't seen this yet, you can find it at http:// www. mugglenet. com/ images /familytree.jpg (but without the spaces).
Anyway, this was my reaction when I first saw this. First I screamed in rage for three solid hours, and then I burst into tears and started eating a lot of cookie dough to overcome my distraughtness. (All you hard-core Da Phoenix Phans probably know why: it's because I was supposed to marry George, dammit! -starts crying again- )
Anyway, here's what I think the Weasleys have to say about their own messed up, "canon" (though it's totally not) family tree. Hope you enjoy!
PS - I'll update "You're Going to Die, Brother" when I'm ready, dammit!
The Weasley children, plus Harry and Hermione, was clustered around the small wooden table in the kitchen, staring at a single scrap of parchment. No one had been able to speak since Errol had delivered the piece of parchment, nor had any of them been able to avert their eyes; the contents of that parchment were just too shocking. Harry could tell that if any of them had been able to get over their surprise at this new, unexpected bit of news, they would all be running away, screaming.
Percy was first to recover. "Who the hell is 'Audrey'?" he wondered aloud.
"Yeah," George said, turning to him, "whatever happened with you and Penelope?"
"Er… nothing." Percy scratched his head, perplexed. "I guess this means our engagement's off?"
"Apparently," Charlie muttered. He was transfixed by the blank space around his name. "Why don't I ever get married?" he wailed. All his other (surviving) siblings had spouses and children… even Draco Malfoy got someone, for crying out loud! Yet Charlie, the coolest, most rugged, handsomest Weasley brother got NO ONE?!
"Don't worry," Bill tried to reassure him, clapping a hand on his brother's shoulder, "you can still be the cool uncle for all our kids!"
"No," George corrected him, "that's going to be me."
"Oh," Bill said, his face suddenly comprehending that there was no way dragons could possibly compete with the awesomeness that was a joke shop. "Sorry, bad luck, Charlie." Charlie's eyes welled up with tears, but since he was the coolest, most rugged, handsomest Weasley brother, he only let one single manly emo tear of loneliness trail down his cheek.
"Can we get back to what's really important?" George cut in. "I mean, come on, everyone: me and ANGELINA?! I'd never take Fred's girl, even if he IS dead…" He stuck his head out the kitchen window and hollered to Angelina Johnson, who just happened to be walking by. "Oi! Angelina!"
"What do you want?" she snapped back.
"Did you see the Weasley family tree that the Omnipotent Author put out?"
"You mean the one where you marry Da Phoenix?"
George shook his head sadly. "No, not THAT Omnipotent Author… I mean, you know, the one that's supposed to be canon, the one J.K. Rowling just released?"
"She's still altering the canon universe?" Angelina asked incredulously. "Shouldn't she just give it a rest already? The book came out, what, five, six months ago?"
"I know, right?" said George, sniggering. "Anyhoo… we end up married!"
At this, Angelina burst out laughing. "Yeah, RIGHT!" she hooted, wiping a tear of mirth from her eyes. "Like that'll ever happen!"
"But it does happen!"
Realizing that, for once, George wasn't joking, Angelina became very stern. "Look, George," she said seriously. "That's never going to happen. For one thing, I'm still pining for your twin brother, and if we were together I'd probably just pretend you were Fred all the time, and probably call you by his name and give you a prosthetic ear so you'd look more like him too."
"That's what I said!" George replied, not at all perturbed by discussion of his dead twin. "But apparently JKR…"
"… has no idea what she's talking about," Angelina concluded smoothly, and George nodded fervently. "Plus I'm dating Lee Jordan," she added as an afterthought.
"You WHAT?!" George yelled at her, horrified. "But you just said you were pining for Fred!"
"Sorry, can't hear you!" she yelled over her shoulder as she walked away from the window.
"We are not naming our baby Roxanne!!!!!" George screamed at the distant figure of Angelina, who had her hands over her ears and was singing "Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love" at the top of her lungs to drown out the sound of his voice.
"Roxanne?" said Ron gleefully as he and Harry began to sing:
"Roxanne! You don't have to put on the red light! Those days are over; you don't have to sell your body to the night!"
George scowled heavily at the pair of them. "And that's why I refuse to have a daughter named Roxanne."
"You should talk, Ron," Charlie sniggered, having gotten over his manly angst fit that he was going to die alone. "You name your son Hugo, don't you?"
Ron's ears turned red, but he said, "At least there's no moronic Muggle song about a guy named Hugo…" After considering for a moment, he added, "Besides, I blame Hermione for naming our kid that."
"What?" Hermione said sharply; Ron whipped his head to look at her, apparently having forgotten she was there. "Everything's always my fault, isn't it?" she snarled.
"It is when you're not here," he said, grinning in what he clearly thought was a winning way, though he faltered as he saw her death glare.
The two of them began bickering once more, though their latest spat went unnoticed by the rest of the Weasley clan. Harry's eyes had drifted to the names below his and Ginny's.
"Hey," he said to her, grinning, "look! We have three kids named after dead people!"
"At least you didn't forget to name one of them after Sirius," Ginny said, peering at the names of their three future children. "But…" Her eyes fell on the name "Lily Luna." "Why do we name our daughter after Luna? She's not dead!"
"Maybe we disown her after she marries some guy named Rolf," Harry speculated.
Ginny paused, considering the idea, then said firmly, "That doesn't even make sense."
Bill had suddenly noticed the names of his three children. "Stop!" he shouted, and everyone turned to look at him… all except Ron and Hermione, who had ceased bickering and were now snogging furiously. "I just noticed something horrible!!"
"Even more horrible than 'Albus Severus'?" Percy asked, glancing at the names of Harry and Ginny's kids.
"Worse!" Bill gazed in horror down at the three names connected to his. "All my kids have French names! That must mean I let Fleur name all of them!"
"At least she doesn't try and name any of them 'Roxanne,'" George pointed out.
"But this means I have no say in anything! In the future I have no spine! I let her take over our lives and I lose any façade of control I had over anything in our family!"
"Welcome to marriage," said Ron, surfacing briefly before continuing to snog Hermione.
"Bill!" came a sharp voice accented with French from the doorway. "I thought I told you to come and clean ze 'ouse before my maman and papan come to veesit from France! Stop ze chattering about enfant names and come with me!"
"But Fleur…" Bill began.
"NOW!"
Bill hung his head and slouched off with his wife. Inexplicably, Charlie beamed.
"What are you so happy about?" Harry asked him.
"I never get married," Charlie responded. "That means I escaped from all that!" He skipped merrily out the door (though in the most manly way possible) to find a kept woman, or perhaps some more dragons to wrestle into submission.
The rest of them looked back at the family tree.
"Let's see…" muttered Percy. "What else haven't we bitched about yet?"
"I think that's about it," said Ginny, scanning the document once more.
"Angelina!" George snapped irritably, scowling and crossing his arms.
"Well, I'm off to find and marry the first girl named 'Audrey' I can find on the streets," Percy announced, getting up from the table at last. "Ron, want to come with and find some better baby names?"
Ron didn't answer, as he and Hermione had disappeared into some dark corner of the Burrow to make a little Rose or Hugo. Percy shrugged, pulled on his cloak, and walked out the door to hunt for an Audrey. Harry and Ginny, inspired by Ron and Hermione's misdemeanors, also left to find their own private corner to make Albus Severus. Or possibly James Sirius, the better named child of their two sons.
This left George alone to sulk at the table over his assigned mate. "Angelina!" he grumbled again to himself. "Honestly, where does she get this stuff? First Neville married Hannah Abbott, and now this?!? You'd think she would hint at it a little more in the actual books, since she clearly made this up off the top of her head…"
"Clearly," echoed Da Phoenix, also seated at the table, looking sadly at her shoes.
George started and stared at her. "When did you get here?" he asked her.
She stared at him as though the answer should have been obvious. "Duh," she said. "I'm writing this shenanigans; I've been here the whole time."
"Right," murmured George, still staring at her. "You want some Every Flavor Beans?" he asked for the sake of having something to offer her.
Da Phoenix considered. "Nah," she said. "Let's make a Fred Remus instead."
"That's another thing!" shouted George, resuming his indignant air from earlier. "No Remus? No Tonks? No Colin? No Hedwig? What about a Mad-Eye?"
"Who's going to name their kid 'Mad-Eye Weasley'?" she asked him incredulously.
"Ron might…" he muttered. But his further musings on which one of them would possibly name their child Dobby Voldemort was interrupted by a kiss from Da Phoenix. Yes, George thought happily, as they began to make Fred Remus, JKR definitely screwed up our family tree…