Title: Angel 1/1
Rating: R
Warnings: Adult language, drug abuse and character death
Main Pairing: Jeff Hardy/OC
Appearances By: Matt Hardy, Trish Stratus, Amy Dumas and various others
Disclaimer: I do not own and WWE copyrights or the song used within. "Arms of an Angel" is owned by Sarah McLaughlin and McMahon owns everything else.
Summary: Set in 2003: Things were perfect for the happy couple. She thought they would last forever, she thought they would get married, have children and live a complete life in love... Little did she know-- they would never see happily ever after.
Author Notes: So-- here I am again, another one-shot, song fic. The idea for this fic is all Kelsiieex's, she owns it but when I read her version I got a muse to write one of my own; it's my version of her events. I hope you enjoy it, it's something a little different for me. My first pain/sadness/death fic so please be kind and review; I wanna hear some opinions. It's set in 2003 right before Jeff supposedly "left" the WWE due to his drug problems. It's written in POV format and as if Lita never broke her neck and missed ring-time. Oh, and this is your official (one and only) Kleenex warning.

Angel 1/1

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
For the break that will make it OK

It's all a sick and twisted blur now... everything I went through, everything I felt... But then again, at that time I couldn't feel anything, most of the time I still can't... I lay awake at night and think about him, wonder what my life would be like if he never left me... If I had never left him.

Jeffery Nero Hardy... A name that is now forever etched in stone. It won't fade, the rain can't wash it away; and even though my heart is broken and the pain is still just as fresh as it was then, it can never be replaced. He was my everything-- and in a way, he still is...

Jeff was my boyfriend. We had dated on and off for the better half of his WWE career. I worked with him, I lived with him, I cared for him... I made love to him. He was my best friend, my partner in crime, my whole world; I can't live without him... I guess that's why for the last six months I've felt just as dead inside.

I'm still mad at him-- I'm furious with him and I don't think I'll ever forgive him for being so selfish. He was only thinking of himself and of no one else. Not of me, his brother, his father, friends, family or even his fans... he was only thinking about Jeff Hardy, and what would satisfy him. I'd yell at him if I could-- I'd scream my lungs out... and sob uncontrollably a little more...

I wish I could kiss him one more time, tell him everything will be alright just one more time-- maybe if I had then, he would still be here with me now. I still can't believe it's been six months already; the worse six months of my life actually... I've had to live without him for six months and it still feels like I'm just waiting for him to come home...

Sometimes I think I can still hear his laugh, see his amazing body, hair, smile... his eyes... Everything about Jeff still lives with me every single day and I don't know how to make it go away. I feel like I'm living with a ghost that isn't really there... I wish someone would just wake me up from this nightmare and tell me it's not real... tell me he's really not gone, tell me it was all just a horrible mistake.

I still feel like it was just yesterday we were home, in Cameron... together. Being us, being random... being in love. He always knew how to make me smile, he always knew what to say... I miss him more than he will ever know.. I just, I just miss everything...

There´s always some reason
to feel not good enough
And it´s hard at the end of the day

Flashback

"I just flip out, man!" He expressed before flipping onto his back in the middle of the ring like he was born with the talent. I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest, popping my bottom lip out a little.

"Jeff--" I stated, matter-of-factly as he stood up finally pushing into his lower back with the palm of his hand. "I just can't do it, okay? There's no way I'll be able to put it off-- I can't just flip out..." I pouted and he laughed, walking toward me. He opened his arms and pulled me into a hug as I melted into his touch.

"Hey hey-- now, what did I tell you about that, huh? I told you, there's no such thing as 'I can't,' especially when I know you can..." his country twang made me smile whether I wanted to or not. I pulled back from him, looking up into his amazing eyes. His smile grew a little during our little moment of silence.

"It would be cool if we could do like a double Swanton, ya know? Like at the same time? C'mon baby-- I know you can do this!" I sighed, rolling my eyes at him again. I knew if I didn't just agree to disagree and try to do the move he would continue to pout until he finally got what he wanted anyway so there was no use in arguing with him about it.

"...fine Jeffery... I'll try, but I know I'm just going to botch again..." I walked over to the nearest turnbuckle and hopped right up to the top. Turning around slowly I saw him lying flat on his back, looking up at me expectedly.

"Are you ready?" I asked, swallowing hard as I watched him. Every single one of my nerves was now in the pit of my stomach but I wasn't about to tell him that. He smiled, nodding his head a little as he readied his position.

"...uh, ready is I'll ever be-- c'mon, gimme everything you've got..." and with that, I held my breath and jumped up into the air, flipped and just as quickly felt a shot of pain go through my back. The jerk had held his knees up at the last minute.

I rolled off of him, instantly holding my back as I laid on the mat. "What the fuck, Jeff?!" I questioned, yelling at him at the same time hissing as another shot of pain passed through my lower back.

"You know how Vince is, I wanted you to be ready for the counter if we tired to pull the move and they called for us to miss the spot... I knew if I told you before hand you wouldn't have let me do it... I'm sorry.." I huffed in some-what disgust even though I knew he was right and I probably would have done the same thing.

"I swear to God I'm never letting you do that to me again..." I sighed heavily, still holding my back as if I were to move my hand I would fall apart. I slowly put my forehead against the mat as he crouched down beside me.

"...are you okay?" He asked, his voice softer but a small smile played on his lips. He held out his hand to me and I stared at it for a second before taking it and he helped pull me to my feet in one swift motion.

"I'm fine." I snapped, looking away from him. He stepped up to me again, closing the gap between us. He gently put his finger under my chin, forcing me to turn back to look up at him. His face softened as I looked at him disapprovingly but it quickly faded as soon as he pressed his soft, full lips to mine in a sweet kiss; his specialty.

End Flashback

I need some distraction
or a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins

Let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I´ll find some peace tonight

Flashback

"Jeff... baby, it's almost two in the morning, I'm going to head up to bed. You coming?" I slowly pulled myself up off the couch, looking back at him to see his long, purple and blue streaked hair falling into his face. I smiled, his eyes blinking back at me as he flipped the television off.

"Yeah, I'll be right behind you-- I'll make sure everything's locked up for the night." I nodded slowly, leaning over to gently touch my lips against his in a tiny, but sweet kiss. His smile grew a little, his dimples becoming more defined on his facial features.

"Okay--don't take too long, baby..." I finished before heading up the stairs, a semi-sluggish pace. Jeff had a habit of checking all the doors, windows and locks before going to bed in our home every night. He claimed he wanted to be on the safe side, not that he thought anyone would take the chance and venture onto his property though.

I walked into the bedroom, sighing easily as I padded across to our bed, swinging the covers back. I was silently thanking myself for changing into a pair of pajama pants and a tank top earlier in the night--at this point I wasn't sure if I even had enough energy to do even a simple task like changing clothes, I was so tired.

I was about to climb in when I felt a body frame pressed up against mine from behind me. A soft smile covered my face as two arms wrapped around my mid-section and a pair of smooth lips pressed against the back of my neck.

"Jeff--I..." I barely had enough time for his name to pass by my lips before he had my back pressed against the mattress as he hovered over me, a smile plastered on his face.

"I think I can handle it from here, baby..." He whispered. His breath was hot on my skin as I smiled again--I couldn't help it. He was the most adorable man in the whole world... well, that--and I know exactly what he was about to handle...

End Flashback

In the arms of the Angel
far away from here

That was one of the last times I was with Jeff intimately. It was less than a month later I would receive that phone call that would change my life forever. It was less than a month later I would lose the love of my life, the man of my dreams-- the one person my world revolved around. I never expected it, I never saw it coming-- it knocked the breath out of me... it still does. The pain is so strong some days I can't even get out of bed. It's so hard to deal with, I couldn't have been less prepared... but then again I just don't see how anyone could be prepared for watching someone die right before their eyes...

Jeff Hardy wasn't born perfect and he didn't die perfect. I will be the first person to tell you he was far from perfect. He had his own personal demons that plagued his life every single day-- but I was always there for him. I would have always been there for him until he found the help he needed... but he obviously couldn't wait until then... He couldn't wait for help-- he just couldn't.. I thought we were passed that, I thought he was doing better.

His addiction finally got the better of him, it took him away from me... Even though in my heart I know it's his own damn fault I still blame those damn pills-- I still blame the wrestling, even though it's a passion for both of us... Those pain-killers took my Jeff from me, they took my lover, my soul, my life-- they stole the one thing that ever really mattered...

From this dark, cold hotel room,
and the endlessness that you feel
You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie

Flashback

I left the hotel around 8 after leaving Jeff up in the room. He had been complaining of a migraine for the better half of the day so I didn't push him to go with me. I was invited to dinner with Amy and Trish; he told me to go and have a good time and he would see me when I got back later that night.

"I should only be gone a couple hours at the most baby," I stared, checking my hair and make-up in the mirror one last time before flipping out the light in the bathroom and walking out to see Jeff laid out across the length of the bed. "You're sure you don't want to come?" I asked, thinking I'd double check just once more before having to leave.

"It's cool baby, I'll stay back tonight and try to get rid of this headache-- I'll see you when you get back though..." I smiled, slipping my jacket on before picking up my purse. I walked over to the bed to sit down on the edge next to him; my eyes never left his.

"Okay, that's fine sweetheart-- you just try and feel better, okay? I'll bring you back some dessert or something if you feel up to it..." I giggled a little and watched a half-smile appear on his face. He took my hand in mine, bringing it to his lips he kissed my palm gently.

"Thank you baby, for everything-- I hope you have fun tonight, tell the girls I'm sorry I couldn't make it..." he paused as I nodded that I would definitely do both of those things. "I love you," he whispered. He leaned up toward me, planting a sweet kiss on my lips that lasted well pasted the point of breathless. I pulled back, smiling brightly.

"I love you too, Jeffy..."

You´re in the arms of the Angel;
may you find
some comfort here

We had just gotten our food and Amy and Trish were discussing our six-person tag-match for Raw in a couple days; when my cell phone started to ring it knocked me out of my trance as I reached into my purse to retrieve it.

I thought it may have been Jeff calling to ask for a certain desert or item from the menu but when I looked down at the Caller ID screen I saw Matt's name instead. I thought it was odd but I didn't think anything of it.

"Matt?" I questioned upon answering the call. There was somewhat of an extended pause before I heard his voice on the other end of the line.

"Yeah..." He paused again but I could already tell there was something wrong. His voice was cracking and sad like he was or at least had been crying. A sickening feeling took over my stomach; Matt doesn't show that kind of emotion over much, so I knew it had to be serious.

"Matt... Matt what's wrong?? What happened?" I asked, my voice a little more than on edge than before, so much so it prompted the group of fellow Divas in front of me to silence all previous conversation; all eyes were now on me.

"I--I think you need to s--sit down..." he choked and I sighed, frustrated that he wasn't giving me all the information at once. I could feel my heart beat in my ears at this point.

"Matt, tell me what's going on-- I am sitting down, now tell me what's wrong! I know there's something wrong..." My voice trailed as my nerves got the better of me, my body staring to shake a little because of it.

"I--I don't know how to tell you this but... y--you need to get to the hospital as soon as possible..." I could hear the sobs on the end of his statement and I could feel my own tears starting to sit in my eyes.

"Why Matt?" That was all I could make myself say-- I already knew I wouldn't like the answer no matter what it was...

"It's Jeff..." he started and my whole world instantly came crashing down; everything stopped and I suddenly couldn't breathe. "I--I found him, in your hotel room... I couldn't get him to--to answer his cell ph--one so I went to check on him... He was passed out on the bed when I got there... I called 911 and they transported him to Mercy General Hospital, down--downtown... They're pretty sure he overdosed this time... They, they don't think he's going to make it..."

End Flashback

So tired of the straight line,
and everywhere you turn
There´s vultures and thieves at your back

The storm keeps on twisting,
you keep on building the lies
That make up for all that you lack

Flashback

Amy and Trish all but carried me into the hospital and to the elevator. Trish had talked to Matt again since leaving the restaurant and found out all the information I wasn't strong enough to listen to. I had been sobbing uncontrollably since my original phone call from him; I couldn't make myself stop, I could hardly make myself breathe. I couldn't wrap my mind around it... he was... dying?

We walked off the elevator, tears pouring down all three of our faces, entering the ER. I saw Matt first, instantly running into his arms no matter how much I wanted to just collapse in a heap on the floor. His eyes were already bloodshot, tear stains on his face as he embraces me, burring his head in the nape of my neck as around round of sobs racked us both.

"He.. he's not breathing--on his own... he can't. They agreed to wa--wa--wait until you were able to--to say goodbye before... before they turn off the--the machine.." I felt like the wind was knocked out of me again. Any amount of strength I had left to stand left me as Matt held me closer and tighter still as I just let all emotion drain from my body.

I had Matt walk me into the room, there was no way I was capable of doing it alone. Instantly the beeping consumed me, echoing in my head almost as if it were laughing at me-- laughing at how I couldn't change what was happening, laughing at how much power it had... It took me a minute to finally turn my face as it was buried in Matt's chest for me to look at him. Tears continued to stream from my eyes as it felt like someone was choking the life out of me at the same time they were taking his life away as well...

Even though my body was shaking violently I reached a hand out to him, holding his clammy, pale and significantly colder hand in my own. Matt sat with me, holding me to let me know he was there for me but not saying a word-- he knew I needed this time as much as he did, but a little more... given the news I had found out just this morning... the news I hadn't been able to tell him before...

"...Ma--Matt.. what am I going to--to do without him? I--I don't know how to live without... Jeff.." He sighed a little, squeezing the arm he had around my waist a little more. He lifted his eyes up from the palm of his hand as he looked over his little brother before his eyes fell depressingly on me.

"I don't know sweetheart... I don't know," he whispered in a throaty choke. "I'll be there for you... and we'll all be there for each other... we'll get through this." I couldn't help but shake my head at his assumption. At this point I just couldn't make myself believe that... and probably never would.

"...I never got to say goodbye... there's so much I didn't have time to say..." I stated after a few minutes of heart-wrenching silence. I swallowed hard as I could have sworn Matt was now shaking just as much as I was. He sniffed back a fresh batch of tears as he watched me gently rub the pad of my thumb over the back of his hand.

"Tell him now--" he started, wiping under his eyes with the sleeve of his t-shirt with his free hand. "Tell him everything that's in your heart...before it really is too late..." He softened again and I felt my knee start to jump up and down sightly as I sat there-- my nerves taking me over for the Nth time.

"Jeffy..." I sighed, feeling tears continually roll down my face. "Baby... I know you can hear me-- and I know you're with me... I just, I just can't understand why you would want to leave me... I thought you were doing better--I thought we were doing better together... There's so many things I want to say--I--I wasn't prepared for this, I don't know how to live without you... I love you so much baby, you were my whole world... you still are my world--you're the love of my life--you're the man I wanted to--to marry... You're--you're the father of my child..."

I heard Matt let out a small gasp as I turned to look over at him. Tears now streaming down his own face as he still sat there with me clinging to me for dear life. I locked my eyes on his and he sighed a little.

"Aw hunnie, you're--you're..." his voice trailed as I just silently nodded my head and my free hand went instinctively to my abdomen, feeling the slight bump that already graced my physical features. "He didn't know did he?" Matt choked. I shook my head back at him as a fresh batch of tears began to slide down my cheeks. I started to sob again--shaking even more as I gently let go of Jeff's hand to cover my face as I cried.

"N--N--No, he didn't know... He didn't kn--know he was going to be a--a--father; I didn't have time to--to tell him... Maybe if--if I had...had told him this--this wouldn't have happened..." I wailed, leeching onto Matt like he was the only thing keeping me alive now... and he might have been. I sat there and bawl my eyes out for the longest time and he just sat there patiently holding me in his arms, knocking me, whispering to me that everything was some-how going to be okay... but I knew it was a lie...

After what felt like a million years I had finally calmed back down significantly; my eyes were swollen from having cried so much and my lungs felt like the were on fire. Matt sensed this and I felt his hand slowly rubbing up and down my bad which was a little comforting.

"When did you find out?" He asked quietly, tucking some stray hair behind my ear as my face stayed firmly pressed against his muscular chest.

"Last night... I hadn't had a chance to tell him all day... I was going to tell him after I came back from dinner tonight but---" My voice trailed off and I felt him tense a little at my confession. My emotions started to flare again just thinking about the whole situation I was now being put in and I felt Matt's grip tighten a bit.

"Shhh---calm down sweetheart... everything is going to be okay, I promise... I know this is going to be hard for everyone--I don't know how I'm going to tell pop but I know this is so much harder on you. I know how much you love my little brother... I'm sorry this happened, I'm so sorry--- I know Jeff would have been thrilled to know you guys are going to have a baby together... He loves you so damn much darlin'..."

It don´t make no difference,
escape one last time
It´s easier to believe

Four days later I buried the love of my life at a grave site Claude and Matt had built just for Jeff on our property. It was back in a clearing in the woods were Matt and Jeff would do their bonfires, it was a peaceful place that Jeff had said many times was his favorite place to go to get away from it all...

Now I go there to visit him and his headstone.

For the first couple of months I couldn't make myself go at all. I could barely pull myself out of bed and even if I did that it would only for something important. These last few months though I've learned to accept it some-what, embraced in a sense-- I go and visit with Jeff every single day now.

I talk to him, cry to him, scream at him... sometimes I even find myself laughing every once in a while. I make sure to tell him all about his little boy that's growing inside me; every doctor's appointment, everything that happens with him, Jeff knows.

I'm due next month and I'm excited--but I know it's going to be the hardest thing I'll ever do in my life when I have this baby. I know I won't be raising him alone but knowing Jeff isn't here to watch his son grow up hurts me more than anything. I'll regret not telling him about my pregnancy when I had the chance for the rest of my life...

Almost a month after Jeff was laid to rest I finally got up enough nerve to go through his things. I finally accepted the fact that no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't keep everything. Matt, Shane, Shannon and a few of the Divas came down to Cameron all at one time to help me with everything. I packed up boxes and boxes of Jeff's many random things but I kept the most important things naturally.

That was one of the hardest days of my life. Especially, when I opened up the side pocket of the duffel bag he had had on the road with him and found that little black velvet box. One of those boxes that no one wants to find after putting their significant other in the ground...

It was a 26-karat, white gold and diamond engagement ring; it was crested with tiny pink hearts our of rose quarts, the most beautiful ring I had ever laid eyes on. He couldn't have picked a better one, I adored it... even though it almost caused me to have a miscarriage from sobbing so hard and getting so upset over finding it...

But I haven't taken it off since, and I never intend to.

3 Months Later

Jeffery Nero-Moore Hardy was born 2 months ago at Cameron County General Hospital; he was healthy, happy and completely perfect from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. I sobbed again the moment the doctor handed him over to me for the first time; it didn't take much to see he was going to look exactly like his father... and in a way, it broke my heart. I wish Jeff could have been there to see the birth of his son...

Matt has been so helpful and patient with me over these last few months... I can't believe it will be a year next month. I don't know what I would have done without Matt-- I probably wouldn't be standing in an arena every again if it wasn't for him. I hadn't been back to work since Jeff's last show. I would have my moments where I would realize how much I missed wrestling, my fans and performing every night but I just couldn't imagine doing it without Jeff and with a newborn child...

But somehow after talking with Matt for over an hour he made me realize it was something I knew I wanted to do--and that we both knew Jeff would want me to do and that's what ultimately lead me to come back to the ring... I didn't think I'd make it through the show--I had cried on-and-off for the whole night and I didn't know what to expect from anyone once I got past that curtain...

In the arms of the Angel
far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room,
and the endlessness that you feel

Flashback

Vince and the creative were completely understanding, which surprised me even enlight of the circumstances. The fans understood the situation too, they knew of my son and the death of Jeff; that's one thing about him, he would never hide anything from his fans and I didn't intend to do that now.

They allowed me to choose who my first match back would be against, it was set to be a tribute to Jeff so their were two people I had in mind; Amy and Trish without a doubt. They were my only options. They were both really close with Jeff, Amy especially and they had both been there for me through everything, including the birth of my son.

I informed them I wanted a Triple Threat match against the two women and in reply they were putting us on as the main event that night on Raw. I would be going over in the match and I smiled, knowing exactly how I was going to do it--I was going to make my fiance proud...

I stood up at the gorilla, pacing a little. I was nervous as hell and shaking a little. Trish caught me before she was set to go out first. She embraced me into a hug, smiling as she did. Her hand rubbed up and down my back a little as she held onto me for a beat.

"Calm down girl, it's okay... It's like riding a bike, you never forget... besides, I know Jeff is looking down on us right now, laughing--I know he'd want you to kick our asses and that's exactly what you're going to do.

I pulled back from her, smiling light-heartedly. I nodded at the statement, knowing it was more than true. Her theme started up and the fans went wild in a pop for her. She gave my shoulder a squeeze before pulling away to go out into the arena. "I'll see you out there..."

Almost as soon as I saw Trish disappear behind the other side of the curtain, Amy was at my side too. Smiling back at me with a knowing look in her eyes. She took my hands in hers, giving them a gentle squeeze with a small nod.

"I know how hard this has to be on you, I can't imagine how you feel right now but I know it takes a damn strong woman to do what you're doing--to pull it all back together and go back to doing something like this... Jeff loved that about you, he always gloated on how strong you are and you would go to the ends of the earth, do whatever it takes... He's going to be so proud of this match--he'll be proud of you..."

She looked up at the stagehand waving her on as her theme song erupted from the sound system. She nodded toward him before looking back at me, smiling softly she pulled me into an embrace too. I sighed heavily against her, "thanks," I whispered. I honestly don't know what I would have done without those two ladies; they had helped out so much, I would have crashed and burned a long time ago without their friendships.

You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie

Everything after that seems to feel like one big blur. I remember using The Hardy Boyz theme song, doing Jeff's signature dance and watching the fireworks go off all the while trying to hold back my emotions. It was so hard to get through because of all the memories and hurt it brought back into my mind but at the same time, it gave my heart almost a feeling of closure. I felt as if it was something I had to do; not only for myself, but more so, for Jeff.

I'm almost positive Jeff's spirit carried me through through the whole match, but everything seemed to slip into slow motion as I climbed that turnbuckle, looked up toward the sky and felt a single tear slide down my cheek.

"This one's for you, baby..." I whispered to myself as I held my breath and took the leap of faith off the top. I flipped into a picture-perfect Swanton Bomb, landing on Amy for the 3-count in the middle of the ring; Trish off to the side selling a Twist-of-Fate from Amy.

After the match Amy, Trish and I hugged for the longest time as the millions of fans around us started to chant "Hardy, Hardy, Hardy" over and over again. There were so many Jeff signs around me I felt my head spinning--but I knew Jeff was looking down on us now as I busted into tears in front of the world. He was looking down on me, grinning from ear to ear over my Swanton and the fact that the whole world, for that moment was chanting his name, holding up a Hardy-gun hand gesture or a "We Miss You" sign...

And I couldn't have missed him more than at that moment...

End Flashback

You´re in the arms of the Angel;
may you find
some comfort here

Jeff, I miss you... God, I miss you so much sometimes I think my heart's going to explode. You know I love you, I have always loved you and I will always love you--no matter what... You are still the only man for me and that will never change. I wish you could be here with me now, with our son and watch him grow up with me, marry me like you obviously wanted to-- spend our full lives together and grow old... but for now I only have the memories you have left here with me...

I will always remember what it felt like to be in the arms of an angel...

In the arms of the Angel;
may you find
some comfort here