Author's Notes: This is something I wrote for the LJ community YonKaka as part of fanfic challenge for the prompt 'Apology'. It didnt start off as something planned nor was it meant to be a 'Gay Rights' campaign. It was simply an idea that blossomed into something deeper and stronger as I was compelled to write. I HOPE to inspire thought and conversation but please do not bash review this fic or others for their opinions. Constructive criticism will be greatly appreciate.
With that said...WARNINGS: MATURE CONTENT - This story contains sensitve content and is based upon personal experience and observations as well a conversation I had with my mother at some point. Therefore, this is based solely on my personal ideas and feelings. Also, this is a YAOI fanfic but does not have explicit sexual content. (side note: this isnt beta'd so forgive any errors)
What more can I say? I hope Minato and Kakashi arent lost behind the message. This is really about them and a point of view that is rarely ever presented when dealing with gay pairings in the world of Naruto fanfiction.
Homophobia
The memory of his life long teacher and mentor looking at him as if he'd never seen him properly before made a sick heavy feeling twist his gut into a knot until it was all Kakashi could do to prevent himself from vomiting.
He'd never forget the look of disgust darkening once bright and happy blue eyes until they no longer were recognizable.
His own face mocked him behind the steamy layer and his hand rose lazily up to swipe it away leaving a smearing wetness that beaded up and trickled down.
It reminded him of blood.
The same blood he'd recently washed clean from his person, belonging to some nameless shinobi in the dark.
Anbu was his place in the world now.
He wore two masks to hide himself. His face.
Three if he counted the invisible one in which he hid his inner demons.
The incident in Minato's office had been nearly five months. Entrance into Anbu had followed immediately after.
It hadn't taken long to rise up in the elite world of Konoha's secret force.
He was a proficient killing machine after all. With his sharingan and genius mind. Built perfect for such jobs as infiltration and assassination. Not having any family was also a plus and put him in prime position to take on the most dangerous missions.
Minato had been his last connection to family of any sort and he'd destroyed that bond.
People were right about him he decided. He was poison. A bad seed. He'd never been normal and only recently had he realized how true that was.
Why hadn't he kept his mouth shut?
Again that look flashed before his eyes. Disgust. Betrayal. Fear. He quickly turned on the cold water and splashed it against his face again and again until his cheeks stung from the cold.
What he wouldn't give to go back and stop himself. Not taken those few steps closer. Not inhaled the scent that had been driving him insane for months. Prevented the only person who had ever shown him any sort of affection from seeing him as the freak that he was.
If hadn't kissed him then maybe what he'd let slip wouldn't have sounded so horrible to the man.
He could have pretended it was a joke and they could have laughed it off together and gone back to the things he missed the most.
The simple gestures of concern. Fondness. Smiles. Words. Laughter. Training. Talking. Teasing. He missed them all. Just the man's company in a quiet room while they each did their own thing would be welcome right now.
Kakashi gritted his teeth, his hands clenching the sides of the sink, willing away the thoughts, the memories, the feelings.
Sometimes, after the bloodiest missions, it was too much.
Minato didn't have to feel anything towards him for what he'd done that night. He was disgusted enough with himself for the both of them.
Desperate to stop the demons from overwhelming him he slammed his head down against the thick porcelain. Stars sprung up behind his lids and he swayed slightly before tightening his grip again.
It wasn't enough.
He could feel it welling up inside him like compressed lava with no outlet, ready to explode.
His head hit the edge of the sink again and again until his fingers slackened and his body crumpled to the cold floor.
When he woke finally it was to the sound of someone knocking, the echo in his head making it sound unreal and distant as his mind slowly sharpened it's focus.
A hand dragged up his torso to wipe at whatever lingered at the corner of his mouth.
By the smell overpowering him he decided it was dry vomit and blood.
Another sharp knock, closer this time and not so unreal, brought him further to his senses and he realized by the light in the room and the familiar songbird outside his bathroom window that it was early morning.
"Hatake! Your late and sempai said he'll tear you a new asshole if your not there in fifteen minutes."
Rolling onto his back he blinked up at the ceiling, then forced himself to sit up. The task was hindered by the throbbing headache and the sudden urge to puke. The room swayed dangerously.
"Ill be there." he croaked out, cleared his throat once and repeated in a clearer, more confident voice.
He waited for the grumbling to fade and the front door to slam shut before he pulled himself up and mindlessly went about cleaning and dressing, then quickly popping a hand full of painkillers he was out the door.
All three of his masks in place, add the fourth for good measure, the physical one that gave nothing away concerning his health or lack there of, and he was hopping along the tree's with three other shinobi ready to live up to his recently acquired reputation.
A cold blooded killer.
------------
Blue eyes followed the small white puffy clouds over the village. Completely lost in thought. Even when a familiar chakra appeared like a faint whisper then grew closer, the blonde couldn't seem to pry them away long enough to acknowledge his visitor.
"Does the Hokage have time to see his old sensei or do I have to make an appointment?"
Minato's finger continued to rub slowly over his lips, his eyes still following the clouds as if he secretly wished he were one and could float away with the rest.
"Minato."
He blinked, his eyes quickly flicking to the frowning face and back before he took a deep breath and snapped himself back to the present, sitting up and straightening his chair, "Of coarse you don't need an appointment."
"You haven't talked to him, have you?"
Leave it to the old hermit to get straight to the point.
Minato glowered at the older shinobi, his blonde bangs hanging low over his eyes as he leaned forward and pulled a stack of papers he'd been neglecting all morning towards him and began sorting through them, "I don't think he wants to talk about it Ji-ji."
"So you've tried talking to him then?"
"I've asked his team captain to..."
"You asked his captain what? To pass on a note? Are you the Hokage or a school girl? Order that brat into your office and have it out with him damn it. Look at you. You're a mess."
"It's not that simple."
"It is that simple unless you're a homophobe."
Minato pushed out of his chair and marched over to the door, shutting it with a sharp click before turning on his mentor, "Of coarse Im not!" he hissed, "But this village is based on traditional standards held in high regard by the majority which happens to be powerful clan members who have a strong influence over how things are handled. And as much as Id like to change the narrowminded views that publicly judge homosexuality as being wrong, the fact is that it doesn't matter how Kakashi feels about me or how I feel about him. This would ruin his career and his life."
"You're the Hokage. People respect you Minato. Fuck the counsel and fuck the ignorant bastards who think they're superior enough to think they can judge gay sex as wrong and decide with whom you can fall in love with."
Minato paced the floor like a caged animal a moment before perching himself on the edge of his desk, shoulders hunched as he focused on nothing with angry blue eyes, "I cant change things over night Jiraiya. The villagers..."
"Will learn to accept you as you are. And that includes Kakashi and every other shinobi or civilian who was lucky enough to find their special someone regardless of gender. It may not happen over night but it will never happen so long as you let them bully you into hiding from the one person who needs you most."
"Im not you! I cant just walk away from my home and wander the countryside. I worked hard to be chosen as the Hokage. I love this village and I want to be here protecting it's people. I cant do that if I lose their respect and my position!"
"But your only protecting part of Konoha like this! Set an example. You don't have to come out of the closet for everyone right away, just for Kakashi. At least protect him by telling him the truth."
Minato shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment before pushing off the desk and moving to stand in front of the large window, "No. I cant. What if someone finds out? Hurts him because of me? I cant let that happen to him."
Even from the top floor of the Hokage mansion he could see the people in the street going about their daily schedule, blissfully unaware of the heated conversation concerning them and their way of life.
He wondered which of those little moving figures might be secretly gay like himself and which were the ones who hated people like him so much they would commit violent acts to stop what they truly believed was wrong and unnatural.
But they all looked innocent from where he stood watching them and he wished everyone could see each other through his eyes right then. Without judgement or malice because they were different. But simply because they were people, human beings with souls.
Wasn't that what love was about? Not just bodies and hormones and procreation. That was physical love. But true love was the attraction between two souls.
If only it were that simple he thought lightly brushing his fingers over his bottom lip. Even after all this time he could still feel the burn of Kakashi's impromptu expression of emotion. As if he'd just kissed him. Then he remembered how he'd reacted to that kiss and his hand fell away.
Jiraiya reached into a hidden pocket and tossed something onto Minato's desk before heading towards the door, "The Kakashi I know doesn't give a shit what others think about him. If he did he wouldn't have told you how he felt our stuck his tongue in your mouth."
Minato frowned over his shoulder at the wicked grin on his mentors face, silently scolding him as a blush quickly painted his cheeks a less than flattering shade of pink, then turned to see what he'd left behind as the door closed.
The sudden lack of someone to vent his frustrations upon made the room seem far too small to contain all the turmoil bubbling around in his head.
But it didn't stop the small grin at seeing the bright orange book laying there silently mocking him.
Jiraiya was right. Kakashi really didn't care. The fact that he read porn in public and he hadn't burst into flames because of his unusual and highly debated personal habit was a testament to just how tolerant the village had become over the years.
Tolerant was a far cry from open-minded though.
----------
When his sempai insisted he speak with him, Kakashi didn't hesitate to follow. He ignored the pain and the shaking of his hands and the dried blood and the stench and the nausea as he always did.
He was Anbu and this was his world now.
Nothing else mattered because there wasn't anything or anyone to fill up the empty space in his heart.
He'd turned the only person who mattered against him with a single moment of weakness. Betrayed his trust. In his mind he deserved to hurt and to be hurt and to watch the life drain from the eyes of his victims, their blood staining his hands.
Marking him as the horrible demon he was.
Anyone else could have looked at Kakashi the way Minato had that night and it wouldn't have changed his mind about who he was or what he believed was right or wrong. But on a normally sweet face. The face that was always understanding and patient. Smiling and warm. Comforting. No mater what he'd said or done.
It was only then that he doubted himself. Seeing himself through Minato's eyes. Twisted and dirty and wrong in so many ways.
Kakashi was so lost in the hurricane of his own thoughts he didn't see the first blow coming. Or the second. Or the third. But he did feel the shockingly cool night air hit his suddenly exposed face, feel the armor being tugged roughly from his limbs, hear the tearing of cloth..
His brain was throbbing so painfully against his skull he couldn't make out the voices until he felt the hot breath against the back of his neck as he felt the pressure against his arms, the snapping of a bone, "I told you I tear you a new ass faggot."
Everything after that was all sluggish and jumbled as he stared unseeing into the dark. The only image that would present itself for him to focus his mind away from the pain was Minato. Minato's eyes and lips and that heart wrenching way he recoiled and stared so disbelievingly.
Then it was too cold and everything hurt and was numb at the same time, his muscles contracting violently against his frame, trying desperately to hold onto what little warmth was being leeched from his body.
----------
This was exactly what he'd been trying to prevent.
Blue eyes remained locked on pale lips that had turned green and purple and swollen on one side.
Those same lips that he hadn't been able to forget about since that night, ghosting over his own every second of every day for the last five months, driving him insane with regret and worry and fear.
If he hadn't let Kakashi leave without fixing the damage his careless reaction had obviously caused, he wouldn't be here all wires and tubes and beeps and drips and bandages.
There were no defensive wounds.
Not one.
Minato wanted to believe there was a perfectly good explanation for this lack of evidence other than he'd simply allowed himself to be beaten and raped.
An elite Anbu.
Hatake Kakashi.
His heart and soul.
Being afraid to admit how he truly felt about this person who'd risked everything to blurt out nervously that he was in love with him and then kiss him so passionately seemed so...inconsequential and cowardly... in comparison to this.
Oh how he wished he could take back that night and do it all over again the right way.
But now...
He doubted Kakashi would want anything to do with him after this.
Because of that night and because he'd been hurt in all the worst ways. Where as touch was an uncomfortable gesture the silver haired shinobi barely tolerated before, it would now become a nightmare.
For the first time since he entered the room, Minato dared to get closer. Throwing caution to the wind he maneuvered around the machine and the wires and tubes and stood as close to the head of the bed as he could get without stepping on anything or accidently dislodging something.
Reaching out, he brushed his fingers over the bruise on Kakashi's forehead. Much darker and older looking than the others with it's puky sort of green and yellow he noticed before continuing around and down the side of his face.
He spread his fingers out into the soft strands of hair, curling over the shell of his ear, his thumb brushing the soft skin of his cheek as he leaned closer, closing his eyes at the last possible minute so he could memorize the look of the younger man so close to him now.
Then pressing his lips against his temple, he finally let the weight of everything fall down in tiny rivers of hot tears before moving to press another kiss and then another over Kakashi's cheekbone, nose, and then finally to those petal soft lips he remembered too well.
He stayed like that for as long as he dared.
Stealing something he had been given once and thrown away while silently praying Kakashi would forgive him and trust him and permit him to do this again some day.
Minato decided right then, regardless if he ever got to kiss Kakashi again, he wouldn't hide his feelings for the younger man. Not from Kakashi or from the village. Even if it cost him his position as the Hokage.
He wouldn't stop being a shinobi or protecting his home or his precious people. But he wouldn't let them bully him into denying what he needed and wanted most in this world either. And he would spend the rest of his life making sure this precious gift he'd been given, and still had yet to know if he'd lost because of his cowardice, knew how much he loved him.
Completely.
Unconditionally.
Heart and soul.
----------
It was a year ago when a single kiss had nearly destroyed two lives.
Minato reflected on that night more times than he would admit to his partner.
Simply because it reminded him to appreciate the little things in his life. Most of which revolved around a certain silver haired shinobi and usually involved intimacy Jiraiya had labeled obscenely sweet.
Claiming the two gave him a toothache whenever he was around them for too long.
Although the road hadn't been easy for either of them, Minato had gratefully remained the Hokage regardless of the rumors and hate mail and villagers petitioning the counsel to have him removed and his rank reduced to prevent him from taking on students.
Apparently being gay made him an automatic pedophile in some peoples eyes.
But the influence of the Sandaime and two of the Legendary Sennin, including two important clan elders to Minato's surprise, left the counsel no choice but to allow him to continue as the Fourth Hokage of Konohakagure.
Minato tipped his head forward and kissed the lump of soft silver hair, lingering long enough to inhale his scent and making another memory for himself, however small it was, before going back to his reading.
The small gesture had Kakashi tugging a warm hand around, pressing it firmly to his chest right over his heart, holding it there as his thumb brushed over the knuckles gently. His eyes still flicking over the pages of his book as they sat quietly on the saggy couch together sharing tea and a warm blanket.
He'd remained in Anbu against Minato's protests and because of his decision didn't have to face the counsel to fight for his rank. Which they both knew was important to Kakashi but not for the same reasons as Minato.
Kakashi didn't want to teach snot nosed genin he had declared during one of their more heated arguments over the matter. Which really wasn't heated in Minato's opinion unless you included the heat produced from the kissing afterward.
Ironically, he was still put in charge of his own team as captain, which suited him just fine because now he could be the unreasonable bastard everyone hated but without the snotty genin.
As if reading porn in public wasn't enough the blonde had complained lightheartedly.
Minato suspected this had something to do with Kakashi's own captain, who was spending the rest of his life in the Konoha prison cleaning toilets, and his desire to keep what he referred to as 'shinobi trash' out of the ranks and polishing Konoha's reputation a bit by only allowing honorable shinobi to survive his methods of training.
But getting the copy-nin to testify against his attacker hadn't been easy. It was a testament to his commitment to stop others from suffering the same humiliation he'd felt simply because his sexual orientation wasn't as widely accepted.
Minato set the scroll he had been reading on the back of the couch and wrapped the free arm around Kakashi's chest, embracing him like that as he rested his chin on the top of his head until Kakashi shifted and tipped back so he could look up at him.
It had taken many long, late night conversations to rebuild what had been broken between them. A lot of tears had been shed and apologies made, but in the end they had rediscovered trust and a clear understanding of what they meant to each other.
And although they hadn't started a gay movement by any standard, things did change a little.
Surprisingly, Konoha hadn't crumbled and burned to the ground as a result and the sun continued to rise and set, and children didn't automatically convert to homosexuality upon seeing the two men holding hands or sharing a brief moment.
All reviews will be read with an open mind but bashing of any type will not be appreciated, especially towards other reviewers. Thank you.