A/N: Sorry that it's been two weeks, everyone. I really have intended to get this story updated fairly quickly, but my teachers are all working hard to combat senioritis so I've had a ton of work, in addition to starting a new job. Anyway, apologies, hope the chapter was worth the wait. I'll be going out of town Thursday of this week, and I'm HOPING to have another chapter up before then. Reviews definitely help : ) Enjoy!

Chapter Five

The Infancy of Us

I don't mind you wondering
If it's something you must do
And I don't mind you thinking
I just hope you'll think this through

It's the infancy of us
Never mind the time,
We'll live on trust
Close enough to find
In life we must love along the way

The Infancy of Us (Eliot Morris)

Elliot was laying curled up on her couch, a blanket wrapped around her, staring blankly at the muted television screen when the phone rang.

She snatched the cordless phone from beside her and stared at the caller ID; Dorian, John flashed across the screen.

She sat, frozen, the phone in her hand, pretty sure she wasn't ready to talk to him. The machine picked up the call, and JD's voice was floating from across the room, quiet and tentative.

"Hey, Elliot. . .listen, um, I was thinking. I'm really sorry about earlier, I think I said some things I really didn't mean, maybe both of us did. Like, I don't believe your all about the sex. . .no more so than me." He gave a nervous laugh. "And I know that, um, that I've. . .look, Elliot, if you're there could you pick up the phone?"

There was a silence. Elliot let the phone slide from her grip.

From the machine, JD continued, "Okay, well, anyway. . .I'm sorry for the stuff I said earlier, and I kind of get why you left this morning and I'm not mad anymore. This whole thing. . .we just let it get out of control, don't you think?" JD paused as though waiting for an answer.

Exactly, Elliot said to herself. Out of control. This whole thing with JD, all seven dysfunctional years of it, has gotten way out of control. How much easier would it have been to leave this as a temporary little crush? But, no, it had to go on and on, no way for me to control it, and now I'm at the point where it's always going to come back to him. . .and, holy frick, I thought I was done crying.

Elliot closed her eyes tightly, one hand tiredly rubbing her face. She wished he'd just hang up. . .

"And I'd really like it if we could just move past it?" There's a question in his voice now. "Cause you've been a really great friend to me lately. . .I mean, always, too. You've always been a good friend, one of my best friends. But especially lately." He sighed. "You get what I mean. And I'd hate to lose that over a stupid mistake and a stupid fight."

Elliot gritted her teeth and glared through her tears at the answering machine. Use the word 'friend' more why don't you, JD? I love it almost as much as 'mistake'.

Another pause, then, "Well, that's all I wanted to say. I'm sorry, and I want us to be okay. . .I really wish you'd pick up the phone." He laughed a little. "It's like 2:30 in the morning. You're probably asleep. . ." He trails off uncertainly. "Well, bye." And there's another pause before the ultimate click and the final beep of the machine.

Elliot swallowed hard, then picked up the remote control and clicked off the TV, leaving the room in darkness.

She didn't want to keep hearing his words echo in her head, but she did. Not the awkward, fumbling answering machine words, but the words from the parking lot.

And they still hurt.

" " " " " " "

JD hung up the phone and groaned. He'd spent the past few hours, ever since he'd returned to his apartment, trying to work out what to say in that phone call, and he still felt like he'd muddled it.

His realization in the parking lot, that Elliot always ended up getting hurt because of him and his 'feelings', was still fresh in his mind. He had wanted to make it right, wanted to know that at least their friendship could survive the fight.

He walked to his bedroom and flopped onto his bed, frustrated. It hadn't been much of a week. The argument with Kim, the ill-advised sex with Elliot (not that it had seemed so bad in the moment), and now this blow up.

He closed his eyes, hoping for sleep, and hoping to wake up to a reality that was easier to handle.

" " " " " " " " "

He got into work the next morning a few minutes after Elliot; he first saw her coming out of a patient's room as he was on the way to pick up a chart at the nurse's station.

For a moment they both froze, eyes meeting then snapping away, mouths forming tight-lipped smiles, awkwardness settling.

JD shifted his weight, licked his lips, and quickly began, "Did you get my message?"

"Yes. Yeah. I did. This morning."

"Right."

Silence settled.

"I'm sorry, too.", Elliot blurted out.

JD was momentarily confused, then answered, "Oh. Right. Good, thanks. Me, too. I said that. So. . ." He paused, finally stopping trying to avoid her gaze. "Are we okay?"

Elliot forced a smile. "Sure."

"Good."

"Yeah."

"So. . .I gotta get to work."

"Yeah, me too."

They walked off in opposite directions, and JD winced. That exchange had lasted about a minute (adding in the silences) and it been excruciating.

Oh, well. Awkwardness they could handle. That they could recover from.

He stepped into his patient's room and addressed the woman standing by the bed. "Morning, Mrs. Latham. How're you doing?"

"Fine, thank you. How's my husband?"

JD glanced at the chart. "He's doing much better, but we want to keep him a couple more days to make sure the pneumonia's cleared up, and he'll be able to go right back, um. . ." He trailed off, scanning the chart again. Mr. Latham had been in a vegetative state for the past year; most of his patients in that condition lived in special longterm care homes.

"Back home." Mrs. Latham smiled a little.

JD glanced up. "Oh, yes. I'm sorry, I didn't, uh. . ." He trailed off.

Seeming to read his mind, Mrs. Latham smiled. "It's alright. A lot of people have referred me to homes for him, but I decided against it."

He looked at her curiously. The woman was only about forty-five, and he knew from earlier conversations that she had been a middle school teacher. He asked, "I think that's great, Mrs. Latham, but doesn't it, y'know. . .take a lot of time?"

"It does. But I gave up my job to be home with him."

JD smiled at her. "I think that's really great."

"Thank you."

"Well, I'll go check on getting some more meds for your husband. . ."

"Thanks, Dr. Dorian."

"No problem." He walked out.

" " " " " "

He was sitting with Carla and Turk at lunch when Elliot moved toward them with her tray. Her walk seemed to slow as he met her eyes, and she seemed on the verge of walking somewhere else.

She didn't, however, instead sliding into the open chair next to Carla. She and JD exchanged smiles, close-mouthed smiles laced with desperation.

They got through lunch conversing normally with Turk and Carla; they addressed each other with unnatural politeness, robbing the atmosphere of any ounce of levity no matter what the topic.

Both Turk and Carla picked up the discomfort, and JD was sure everyone was relieved when he picked up his tray to leave.

As soon as JD was out of the cafeteria, Carla smiled sweetly at Turk. "Turk, could you give me and Elliot a minute."

"But, baby, I'm not done with my burger yet."

"Take it with you."

Turk stared at her for a moment before realizing his wife was completely serious. "Fine." He stood up, cheeseburger in hand, and headed out of the cafeteria after JD.

"JD!"

JD turned and glumly greeted Turk. "Hey. You didn't have to come with me if you weren't finished." He indicated the remnants of Turk's burger clutched in his hand.

"Well, actually, Carla-" Turk stopped. "You know, I just had a sense that you were feeling down and maybe you needed to talk it out and whatnot."

Touched, JD smiled. "Thanks, Choco. You're a good friend."

"So, come on, man. What's up with you and Elliot?"

JD sighed, then reluctantly admitted, "Okay. I'll tell you. But you can't say anything to anyone else."

Turk rolled his eyes. "Do you want me to pinky promise?"

"Shut up. I'm serious, man, I don't want Carla to-"

"Dude, it's cool. I'm a vault. Go ahead."

"Fine." He hesitated, not sure how much to say or where to start. Finally, he simply said, "We slept together."

"I KNEW IT! I knew something was up the other day!" Turk exploded. "WHOO!" He began to do his "I was Right" dance, that JD was so familiar with.

"We hadn't slept together then." JD told him in a bored voice.

"Oh." Turk stopped dancing. "Well, I could sense it coming."

Slowly, the whole story came out. JD didn't delve too deeply into the realization of feelings, focusing mainly on the argument last night.

When JD had finished talking , Turk exhaled slowly. "Whoa."

"I know."

"Here's the thing I don't get though. . ." Turk seemed to be choosing his words carefully. "If you have feelings for her. . .why didn't you say something? Why put such emphasis on forgetting every thing and being friends? From what you said, she was getting pretty upset. . .how do you know she doesn't have feelings for you, too?"

JD's voice was quiet. "I thought about that. But I don't know for sure. And even if she does have feelings for me or. . .or thinks she has feelings for me, it doesn't change much. Every time I think I'm falling for Elliot again, it sucks. But I think she had it the worst."

Turk nodded knowingly. "You're talking about the 'I don't love you' incident."

"Yeah." He shrugged. "I just think. . .I don't want to hurt her again, man. I think we're better off just staying the way we are now."

"I get it. And, you know, the whole putting aside your feelings and doing what's best for both of you? I think you're being really mature."

" " " " " " " " "

"JD's just being immature!" Carla exclaimed heatedly. Elliot had just filled her in on the latest events. "I mean, just sweeping the whole thing aside and pretending it didn't happen? That's ridiculous! Pushing aside issues is no way to solve them, and no couple can make it if they don't deal with their-"

"Carla." Elliot interjected flatly. "JD and I aren't a couple."

"I know, and you're never going to be if you don't work out your crap!" Carla was becoming increasingly agitated. "It's such a guy thing to do! Just act like it'll be better to pretend something never happened-"

"Carla. Are we still talking about me and JD?"

"What? Oh." Carla blinked at Elliot blankly before saying, "Yeah, of course we are. Sorry about that. But I am right. If you two are ever going to be a couple-"

"I would think that would require both of us to want to be a couple and JD-"

"JD got that upset about you leaving for a reason! How do you know he doesn't feel the exact same way?!"

Elliot sighed. "That's what I thought at first, when we were fighting. But then he started talking about a mistake and on the message last night. . .God, he used the word 'friend' like fifty frickin' times. Talk about sending a message."

"Maybe." Carla said, obviously still doubtful.

" " " " " "

"I get it. And, you know, the whole putting aside your feelings and doing what's best for both of you? I think you're being really mature. . ." Turk's voice trailed off, an uncertain air to it.

JD looked at him and prodded, "But. . . ?"

Holding up his hands in defense, Turk said, "I didn't say 'but'. Did you hear me say 'but'?"

"You were about to."

"Okay, fine." He relented. "What you said before. About how you're better off staying the way you are now. What exactly are you and Elliot right now?"

"Friends."

At this, Turk snorted skeptically. "Yeah, you two were really friendly at lunch!"

Waving his hand dismissively, JD retorted, "This'll get fixed. We can deal with this. It'll be back to normal, and we'll be friends, normal. Just like before."

"And then what?"

"What do you mean 'then what'? We stay friends."

"Really?"

Frustrated in his lack of understanding, JD asked tersely, "What do you think will happen?"

"I think the same thing will happen that always happens! You're friends for awhile, but it always leads back to something more. Always. And maybe it'll be another four years before it happens again. Maybe it'll be a couple months."

"The whole point of this is that I'm not going down that road again!"

"Man, you can't not! Haven't you learned anything? You can't be friends with Elliot and not let it lead back to sex or love or whatever the hell defines your screwed up relationship!"

JD was quiet, contemplating this. Finally, he asked quietly, "So what are you saying?"

Turk shrugged. "I'm just saying you should really think about this master plan of yours and how it's going to work out in the long term." He clapped JD on the back. "I gotta go."

" " " " " " " "

The next two days passed much like the first post-fight day for JD and Elliot. They were polite and formal toward each other, each moment excruciating with awkwardness.

JD was finishing his last few rounds, already looking ahead to the end of the week, when he would finally have something to cheer him up, namely Sammy. It still made him sad to think that Elliot wouldn't be coming over to hang out with them, but he was trying to forget about it.

Turk's words two days ago had been repeating themselves over and over since their conversation. Was it possible that Turk was right? Were they just trapped in a never ending cycle? If they were, what was he supposed to do about it?

He was standing by the nurse's station when a quiet voice said, "Dr. Dorian?"

He looked up from the chart he was studying. "Oh, hello, Mrs. Latham." He peered at the woman; her eyes were red, her cheeks tear-streaked. "Is something wrong?"

"No, everything's fine. . ." She said calmly.

"Well, I was about to get your husband's discharge forms-"

"Dr. Dorian, I'd like Jeff to be taken off life support."

JD stared, completely taken aback by this statement. "You want your husband. . .but, um. . .why?"

Her voice was still quiet, but completely steady. "Jeff and I never discussed this possibility. Whether he'd want to be kept alive. . .and I couldn't bear the thought of letting go when. . .when the accident happened. But his brother, Tom, flew in this week, to talk to me. He said that years ago, when the whole controversy with that Schiavo woman was going on, they'd discussed. He said Jeff had been adamant about not being kept alive by machines-" Her voice broke, the first audible sign of weakness. "Tom never said anything because. . .well, because we were all holding on to some ounce of hope for a miracle. But he says he's been feeling guilty about never speaking up. So now. . .now I'd like Jeff to be taken off the machines."

"Just. . .just like that?"

"It's what my husband wanted."

JD exhaled slowly, then said, "If that's what you want, we can do that."

So within an hour, he was in his patient's room. Mrs. Latham and a man who JD assumed was the patient's brother were surrounding the bed. Dr. Cox, who had treated to man when he first got hurt, hovered in the doorway. The brother had a hand clamped firmly on his brothers shoulder, and Mrs. Latham was holding her husband's hand as JD slowly turned off the machines and removed the breathing tube.

"It can, um. . .it can take awhile." JD said quietly. "Couple hours at least."

"Thank you." Mrs. Latham whispered. There were tears on her face, but she smiled at JD.

JD started toward the door, but turned around and blurted out, "Mrs. Latham?"

"Yes?"

He hesitated, not sure why the question was on his mind. "How do you do it? You quit your job, put your life on hold to take care of him and then. . .then you just. . ." He couldn't find a delicate way to put it, so he waved his hand at the now dying man in front of them.

She seemed to understand what he meant, because she answered gently, "I love my husband. And love is about sacrifice. And sometimes. . ." She drew a long shaky breath, her fingers stroking her husbands face absently. ". . .sometimes that sacrifice means knowing when to let them go."

A lump had risen in JD's throat, making it hard to form words, so he simply nodded, then turned and walked out of the room.

Dr. Cox followed him at a quick pace. "Hold it right there, Heather." JD turned to face him, his mind whirring. Mrs. Latham's words and Turk's words echoed in his mind.

"I know that look on your face. You're about to go metaphorical. This isn't Greys Anatomy, we're not obligated to learn something from our patients, and they don't always coincidentally mirror out problems!"

"But she's right. Love is about sacrifice, that's what I've been trying to do-"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, and I don't want to know."

JD started off down the hallway. "I gotta go, Dr. Cox."

" " " " " " " "

"You two have been killing me with the trying pretend everything's fine. When are you going to just talk to him?!"

"When are you going to drop it?"

"Never."

Elliot groaned.

"You know you hate it! You know it's killing you to be like this with him!"

"Of course it is! But what am I supposed to do? What do I say?"

"Just tell him this isn't working!" Carla insisted. "Just tell him you can't keep going on like this, and then tell him the truth before we all lose our minds!"

Elliot was quiet for a moment, then she said simply, "Okay."

Carla's eyes widened. "Really? That convinced you?"

"I'll talk to him. I don't. . .I'm not sure if I'm going to tell him everything yet but. . .we need to talk about it. Sleeping together, the fight, all of it. And maybe. . .maybe I'll tell him?"

Carla grinned happily. "Definitely do it!"

Elliot managed a smile. "It can't be much worse than it is right now, right?"

"This is what I've been saying!"

Pulse quickening as her nervousness and excitement mounted, Elliot said, "I'll go find him now!"

"Yes!"

She headed off down the corridors, looking for him. She checked around most of his patient's rooms and never saw him; finally, she headed to the on-call room, and was looking in the door when she heard a voice from behind her.

"Elliot?"

She whirled around, relieved. "JD, hey."

His face was twisted into an odd, unreadable expression, but she found she preferred it to the falsely smiling mask he'd adopted with her lately. His voice was much more natural, too, as he said, "I was thinking we should talk."

"Me, too!" She smiled at him, beyond relieved that he was open and willing to talk.

"Um. . ." His eyes moved toward the on-call room. "You want to go in there? So it can be. . .private, sort of thing?"

"Sure." She followed him inside; Elliot started to sit on one of the beds, but changed her mind as JD leaned back against the bunk beds, running his hands through his hair nervously. She leaned against the other bunk, facing him.

They were both quiet for a moment, then Elliot finally couldn't stand the silence. "JD, we can't keep. . .keep being like this. Like we've been lately."

"I know." He had been studying the floor, but now he looked up and met her eyes seriously. "That's what I was hoping to talk about."

She waited, breath caught in her throat.

JD was having to make an extreme effort to keep himself from addressing the wall behind Elliot, but he managed it, his gaze locked with hers as he said, "It feels like we keep coming back to this, no matter how hard we try to be just friends. And I've hurt you, a lot. I hurt you the other night, and I hate that. . ."

"Hey, I've hurt you, too." She said quietly. "I think the other night kind of proved there's no point in blaming anyone."

"Maybe. But the thing is. . .the thing is, I know I said I wanted us to let it all go and be friends again. Like normal. But say we do that. In another few months or a year or even four years again. . .it's pretty safe to assume, thanks to past events, that we're going to end up right back to where we were the other day. We're always going to go further. We apparently can't be friends and not take it further. . ."

Elliot's breath had hitched in her throat. She moved forward just a little, off the bunk, looking up at him. "I know."

JD's expression twisted so he was making one of those faces that could be one step away from laughing or crying, no way to tell. "And that's when we get hurt. When you get hurt. So I think we need to make a change to stop that from happening. Something we haven't tried, not really. . ."

Elliot could feel her lips forming a smile, her eyes bright as she continued to hold his gaze.

"I think we need to get some distance. From each other."

The smile dropped and Elliot drew back, further away from him, eyes widening. "What?"

JD's expression was pained, but his voice was determined as he explained, "We can't keep doing this, Elliot! And when we go back to being friends it just. . .every thing gets out of control. I don't want that to happen again, and if we just tried to get some distance-"

"Stop saying distance." Elliot interjected dazedly. "Say what you mean, you're saying. . .you're saying we shouldn't. . .shouldn't be friends anymore." He was quiet, and Elliot was desperately wishing he would jump in and deny it. "Right?"

His voice was barely audible. "I guess."

"JD. . ." She was pacing in front of him, raking her fingers through her hair, trying to think clearly. "JD. This is. . .that's stupid. That's so stupid, I can't-"

He put a hand on her arm and stopped walking. "I'm trying to protect you."

"Protect me? From what?"

"From getting hurt again."

"And this is supposed to help?!" She was getting dangerously close to screeching, so, gripping one side of the bunk behind her, she began to take deep breaths, trying to get calmer. "Okay. . ." Her voice was determinedly rational. "okay, you're not, you're not really making much sense, JD. We're friends, you can't just. . ." Her voice died as her eyes met his pleadingly.

"Elliot. If we get through all this, become friends again, like normal -because these past few days, we've just been pretending, and you know that- then what happens? It's just a matter of time until we're doing something stupid again, and one or both of us is going to get hurt. I don't want that. Do you?"

He was trying to sound soothing and reasonable, but Elliot couldn't shake a feeling of panic and fear.

"I. . .you don't know it will happen-"

"We thought we were done last time."

She couldn't think of any argument, other than the fact that this was completely insane. Defeated, she sat down on the bottom bunk bed, and ran a hand over her face. Her voice shook slightly when she spoke at last, "So I don't even get a choice in this?"

JD sighed, sitting down on the bed across from her, staring at her imploringly. "C'mon." He said quietly. "Don't say it like that."

"Then don't make it like that!" She shot back angrily. "Just, just. . .don't. Don't do this, JD, please. . ." There was a catch in her voice on the last sentence.

He stood up again, and faced away from her, blinking rapidly, one palm pressing on the closed door, his mouth twisting furiously. Sacrifice, he reminded himself. It was a moment until he was able to answer, "I'm sorry. I just. . .I think we need to try it."

Elliot's arms were folded in front of her body, drawn tightly in. She couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Bye." He whispered quietly, before slipping out of the door.