Title: Picture Box
Summary: Sarah's thoughts after Chuck vs. the Marlin. One-shot.
Author's note: I really wanted to write something after the Chuck sandwich, but they really tied things up pretty neatly. (And weren't those episodes great?) So this is really short. If it disappoints, I've got a longer, better, but completely random one in the works. Since I'm in school, though, I'm not quite sure when it'll be up. Just hang tight.
P.S. Thanks for the great reviews of my last fics!
Disclaimer: Last time I checked, NBC still owned Chuck.
"It's family time."
"I know."
Even after Casey's retreated into his apartment, Sarah continues to stand at the window, gazing at Chuck and his family.
His family, which he had just included her in.
It had been one of those moments, one of those life-defining moments that only come so often. And she had turned it down. Now, in this window, this picture-box, she's watching days she could have led, hugs she could have given, smiles she could have received.
A family.
Chuck's family.
But she's chosen to distance herself from him once again. Maybe it was the stress of losing him that helped her see how unprofessional she was being. Maybe what frightens her is that, when he included her, she could actually imagine sharing a normal life with him. She had been in the agency for so long that it was surprising how easily she could slip out of that mindset. The CIA had been her lifesaver. She was floundering in school – good as so many things, great at nothing - and she had little idea of what she wanted to do with her life. But less than a week into training, she felt like she belonged. She was great at her job.
For more than five years, she's known nothing but her job. And now, he's come along, just another assignment, but so much more. It scares her that he can bring out her best and he can bring out her worst. It scares her that's she's not sure which is which anymore. What used to be her best – what the CIA called her best – now sometimes seems like her worst, especially when compared to a day in the life of the Bartowskis. It scares her that her defenses are starting to crumble not just at the top, but at the foundations. It scares her that she can't concentrate like she used to, that thoughts of him pop up in her mind, seemingly out of nowhere. And it scares her that she's beginning to not care.
Casey's right – she's getting entirely too attached to Chuck. They had decided to be just friends, and she's going to do everything in her power to not fall for him even more than she already has. Which means having as little contact as possible. So, as much as it tears her up inside, she watches him congratulate his sister alone, and she imagines what it'd be like to be beside him, to leave behind her current life and to start a new one with him.
Even as she contemplates it, she's not quite sure she could handle a complete break with her past. She's done that once before, but that time, it had made sense. She didn't like leaving her family, but cultivating a new lifestyle, a new personality, had been a complete joy for her. Her years with the agency had brought out an inner strength she never realized she'd possessed. And to lose that, to willingly give that up? Her whole identity is caught up and entangled with the CIA. If she separates from that, she'll have nothing left. Quitting the CIA would leave her so exposed, so vulnerable.
She's terrified of being vulnerable.
They don't tell you, when you sign up for the agency, how you lose a part of yourself with each mission. They don't tell you that. Watching Chuck, Ellie, and Awesome move into the kitchen for some breakfast, Sarah realizes sorrowfully that she doesn't know who she is anymore. She doesn't even have anyone to turn to who can remind her of who she used to be. Her breath hitches in her throat as Chuck turns slightly, catching her eye for just a moment.
Chuck.
Chuck has shown her again and again that he's willing to take the time and the energy to help her figure out who she wants to be.
Like a coward, she's run from every opportunity.
To protect the country, to protect herself, to protect him, she runs once again.
Sighing, Sarah walks slowly through the apartment complex, her footsteps echoing in the early morning silence.