-slinks into the room-

-closes door behind self-

-waves-

Hello!

-pinned to door with kunai-

...um...I can explain?

Okay, enough with taking myself all seriously and painting you guys to be all violent (and kunai bearing) and stuff. -clasps hands together- let's get to business.

Yeah, sorry I'm late. Really, really sorry. No excuse. (Well, there was that webcomic..)

And thank you so very much for those reviews! Made an awesome birthday present!!

So! Here's an extemely short chapter, just to give y'all a little heads up that I'm kind of losing the will to (live? fuck no! life rocks!) write this, and so I'm just trying to find that spark again.

Thank Chromde for her awesomeness beta skills. She owns.

In a meantime...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DREAMER!! -blows party-thingie and twirls flag-

-coughs- if any of you have a birthday within a reasonable amount of time, it might prove to be a good incentive for me...

Chapter 6: PDA

"AAAHHHHHH!! RAPIST!! I'M BEING HELD AGAINST MY WILL!! SAVE MEEEE!! RAPIST!! SOMEBODY!!HEEEEEEELLLP!!"

"Oh for God's sakes, Sasori. Oh, and careful, you're gonna-"

Three line Flashback.

"Look, Deidara, you knocked him unconscious!"

"He was asking for it." With a sniff, Deidara left the office, stepping over Sasori's twitching body on the ground.

Konan sighed and kicked at him. "I guess I'll have to take you home, huh?"

End Flashback.

"AAAAAHHHH!!-Ow, my head."

Pain burst through Sasori's skull, and red hair gave way to a big pink bump.

"I was going to say 'careful, you're gonna bump your head'."

Sasori sat back against the blue car cushion. "Owwww..."

"There's ice beside you."

On cue, Sasori felt something wet against his thigh. He picked up the ice pack and placed it on the side of his head that hurt the most.

"You okay?"

"AAAAAAAHHHH!!"

And Sasori re-cowered against the car window.

"Sasori, it's me, Konan. There's no reason to-"

She rolled her eyes when he drowned her out by hyperventilating.

"Scared...crap...outta..." he panted, hand at his throat

"Hey, Sasori?"

"...?"

"Gotta go. See you in ten minutes."

"...Wha-"

The car door shut behind her.

Sasori inched back to the car window. Where was Kona-

Oh. They were parked at a gas station. He inched to the other side of the backseat. There was Konan walking through the doors of the small store. Wait, was that...Pein, with her? It was!

Sasori didn't really want to investigate further. If it turned out the secretary and the principal were indeed dating, then he owed Mao-senpai quite a hefty wad of cash (don't drink and bet, kids).

With a sigh he collapsed back against the seat. Man it was hot in here. He reached for the window lever.

Oh. Konan's car had a funky push-button to open and close windows. How nice.

So secretaries made more money than school chefs, now did they?

Well obviously. She slaves in front of towers of paperwork for hours every day, and you just lick icing off your fingers!

Why did Sasori smile? He was schizophrenic again, for God's sakes. Why?

He pushed the button a total of three times: once to see which direction lowered the window, again because apparently it wasn't upwards, and once more because it turned out that he had gotten it right the first time, but hadn't pushed hard enough.

You suck.

Sasori grinned again. He stopped when he got a gust of hair in his face. Okay, so it was too windy to have the window down all the way. He pulled at his locks, finger-combing them.

Gah, I hate when it gets messy.

...Oh boy.

Sasori rolled his eyes.

...What this time?

I was just thinking...

Really, now.

Oh shut up. Just saying, maybe now we'll get to see you all vain and stuff.

Me, vain?

Deidara, hot.

...In English, please?

Inner Sasori sighed.

You see, in the ancient art of Ukeism the attention to looks is considered-

A loud sucking noise interrupted him. Sasori peered out the window.

And gagged.

Ewewewewewewewewewew!!

I hear you. I hear you.

I mean, that's what you see in M-rated fanfictions! In a bedroom, no less! Not out on the frickin' street!

And usually the guy isn't an OC.

...Oh, like when it's ItaxMary-Sue?

Or MexMary-Sue.

...Oh, the images...(holds head)

See, I think I prefer being gay. (a/n: Shun's ego has just increase fifty points. Or something.)

No shit.

Hey, Inner Sasori?

Yeah?

If watching a couple eat each other's faces on the street feels somewhat revolting...

...Why are we still staring?

You read my mind.

I am your mind.

Tsh, I was hoping I still had a little white spot you hadn't muddied in there.

Nope. Allll gone. n.n

...Just look at them go. Just...kissing and licking and-

I'm gonna be sick! Look away! Look awaaaay!!

Sasori's finger slipped on the window button, pushing it shut and nipping his hair in the process. Eyes still glued to the daring couple, he moved his head, and let out a ear-badly-injuring-and-cussword-inducing scream. He had a sensitive scalp, yes?

Whew. Thought the torture would never end.

No kidding.

Oh look, a gay couple over there. Ah, much better.

Sasori looked through the opposite window of the car, where sure enough, walking amidst the gas-fill-up-column things, were two men, smiling and chatting with their arms over each other's shoulders. (a/n: True story. Really.)

They dress kind of like Itachi.

You think? I don't. They can't coordinate colours as well as him.

Tsh. Stupid perfect little...

He was jealous, in all honesty. That Itachi could be so collected and scheming, but especially that two men could just walk down a parking lot and only worry about each other.

O.O I want that...

Oh, I had other plans for you. Walking? Ha! Try chains, whips, maid's outfits...

-.- And somehow I missed you.

People stared, which was a given. The scowls hurt Sasori's stomach, and the whispers bystanders uttered dried his throat. Couldn't people just give these guys a little room?

But then, then something else caught everyone's attention.

(Okay, guys, little project: Go and find any fanfic with BishounenxOC whose original character gives you the urge to dance whenever she goes into angst mode/discovers another hidden power. If the author gave an entire block paragraph describing her beauty, just go and read that. If not, keep looking.)

(Okay, got the description? Well, that little missy's parading down the parking lot in Sasori World right now.)

Heads whipped in the new direction, jaws at knee-level and sparkles dancing everywhere. The sickly grey sky turned to pink, and the two aforementioned homosexuals pointed and muttered.

Sasori scowled.

She even has the power to convert gay men. Or something.

(arm cross) Well not me.

Of course not. You've got Deidara to ogle after.

Yeah-hey wait!!

!?

The girl turned to look at Sasori and his gaping eyes. Satisfaction swam across her features, and she gave him a fluttery wink. His cheeks flushed in spite of himself.

No Sasori, NO! You've got to resist! Don't look straight into her breasts! Don't smell her perfume! Avoid all eye contact! Look awaaaay!!

Sasori wasn't listening. His eyes had dissapeared behind hatched lines, veiled by his now-aloof bangs.

He pushed the window button on this side of the car and stuck his head out.

Sasori, what are you-

"Hey, you! Yeah, I'm talking to you, Barbie!"

Her hair whipped around her face, framing the surprised "O" of her shiny lips.

"You stay away from my elementary school, ya hear? Maybe in another fanfic, but you sure as hell aren't gonna seduce Deidara anytime soon in this one!" he cried, and by now the bystanders' necks were sore with all of the swivelling.

I could've come up with something better to say, y'know.

It would've involved describing M-rated yaoi scenes to an audience consisting partly of old ladies and small children.

...True...

Her brow furrowed for an instant, but just then a spiky-black-haired man strode out of the corner store right next door, and shielded her with a muscled arm from the evil, evil man. She let out a giggle and pranced to their car, while Uchiha Sasuke gave Sasori the death glare of the century.

Sasori gulped. Konan burst out laughing.

"WHAAAA!"

Klunk.

Konan hit him with her bag of last-minute groceries.

"You've gotten enough attention already, now let's go!" she said briskly as she slid into the front seat.

Sasori stumbled under the new speed of the car. "So...where are we going?" he asked as he gripped the seat with white knuckles.

Konan beamed back at him, eyes glazing red.

"Hell."

Sasori gulped.

Fifteen minutes later

(Insert whistly cowboy ghost town noises here. Rolling tumbleweeds optional.)

Konan drummed her fingers on the steering wheel, a small tap tap in the silence. Sasori jumped a little bit. Konan glanced in her rearview mirror. She scowled at something.

"What a jerkface. S'posed to be here thirty minutes ago," she whined, checking her watch. Sasori attempted to look behind them and see just who this tardy, disrespectful of self-appointed yaoi queen individual was. He caught a glimpse of the man, and was sure he hadn't seen right. How could someone be...

Konan's car swerved into a driveway. Hers? Ah, there were the tomato plants she'd talked about at that teacher social; the ones with purple leaves and swirled yellow skins. (a/n: Okay, not-so-true story.)

Sasori smiled as he looked over her house. So secretaries didn't make that much more than chefs, did they. He watched as she got out and slammed the door, getting ready to face down JerkFace:

Zetsu. Her plumber.

I didn't get to thank my anonymous reviewer from the last chapter: Hollenicht. Thank you! ...I'm assuming it was a happy case of Not Breathing-ness?

Oh, and whoever voted for JiraIta in my crack yaoi poll is officially my hero.

Really.

I mean, not that you should feel honored or lucky or whatever.

Just sayin'.

JiraIta for the win.

P.S. To Suethors: Sorry. It's not like you guys can help it. Heck, you might not even know who you are.

-tips glass-

To identity crises.