A/N: I got this idea last night. It's a manual to being a vampire. Heh. Later on, when this one's over, I'm gonna make one about werewolves.

Oh yeah. And it's supposed to sound unbelievably cheesy, like one of those weird brochures you see at un-populated areas.

Disclaimer for the Whole Story: I do not own Twilight, New Moon, or Eclipse. I don't own anything but the story flowing from my typing fingers. You get my drift.

Introduction

Hello! So, if you've bought this book, you're probably wondering if you're a vampire, or want to know what to do with your vampire life. You've bought just the book to answer your questions.

You're probably wondering, "How would you know what to do as a vampire? How do you even know all this stuff? Are you even a vampire?" Well, all of those questions will be answered later on in this book.

What This Book Includes:

-FAQ about vampires

-a test to make sure you're a vampire

-what your mortal enemies are

-what to do with your dull, dreary vampire life

-info on your feeding habits

-myths and legends about vampires that basically aren't true

And SO much more!

I'm Fizzy Jones, and I'm going to help you on your magical journey to a happy life!

---

WARNING: Results may vary. If you choose to take Fizzy Jones' advice, you may not blame the outcome on her. It's not her fault you might do everything wrong, and be a total screw up! She's just the author! (But, we do advise you to take her advice.)

Return Policy: You bought the book. Yeah, it was a lot of money. But it took Mrs. Fizzy Jones a long time to think this out, and get it written down. She's worked her butt off to help your pathetic vampire boredom out! If you discover you are a human, you may return the book. You will get nothing but a torn up copy of TWILIGHT in return. Some pages may be missing. But it isn't our fault that you can't identify vampire symptoms correctly. Now just run along and read TWILIGHT now...

A/N: How was it? I personally don't know. I just wanted to write it.