Akatsuki and…Grandma
Thanks to all my loyal and devoted readers out there. You know I love ya! And if you forgot this is just a reminder!
I don't own Naruto or any of its stuff. Don't make any money doing this.
At 6:25 on a Saturday morning Sasori was never awake….except for this Saturday morning. Sasori's loving, precious and slightly overbearing grandma Chiyo was coming to visit and today was the day. She would be arriving promptly at 7:00 that evening. Right now he was wired with 7 cups or coffee and two espresso shots…he would probably crash by 8:00 but for now he was a borderline psychotic maniac. He was downstairs scrubbing the kitchen spotless, making certain everything was picked up off the floor, and fluffing every pillow in sight on the couch. Of course when he started mopping the hardwood floors and running the vacuum in the curtains and along the baseboards Kisame woke up.
"Oh my god, Sasori…what the hell are you doing? It's freaking 7:00 in the morning." Kisame said sleepily.
"GRANDMA, GRANDMA, GRANDMA, HERE COMING! TODAY, LATER. MUST CLEAN, MUST CLEAN AND MAKE HOUSE SPOTLESS. YEAH, YEAH MUST HAVE SPOTLESS HOUSE. GRANDMA COMING TODAY." Sasori said with insane bloodshot eyes.
"Oh my god….Sasori….you've been doing cocaine this morning haven't you?"
"FUCK YOU KISAME! IT'S CAFFINE NOT COCAINE! CAFFINE!" Sasori yelled and then turned around to continue cleaning the draperies.
"Sasori…Sasori calm down. Here let's just come over here and have a seat on the couch and maybe…blink a few times." Kisame said trying to lead Sasori's shaking body to the couch.
"GOD NO! PILLOWS! PILLOWS! PILLOWS! FLUFFED JUST PILLOWS! JUST FLUFFED THE PILLOWS!"
"Hey I heard all kinds of yelling and stuff down here. What's going on?" Hidan asked coming downstairs.
"Oh nothing…Sasori is just a little wound up….and having a severe mental meltdown courtesy of his grandma."
"Do I need to go wake Lola up? I mean I seriously would not care to wake her up because you know I've visualized a hundred times how I would do it." Hidan suggested. Kisame glared at him.
"You….are a very perverted man." Kisame said.
"OH MY GOD! THE RUG HAS A FRAY IN IT!" Sasori screamed looking at the picked rug.
"Sasori…Sasori…it's…it's just a rug man. I'm sure your grandma is just excited to visit." Hidan said.
"JUST….A…..RUG……JUST A RUG! JUST A RUG! AAAAGGGHHHHHH!"
"Hidan, I can't believe I'm saying this but go get Lola, go get her. Get Lola, get Lola now! I don't care what kind of sick perversions you use to get her up….JUST GO WAKE HER UP NOW!" Kisame ordered him.
"I'm on it man, I'm on it! Hey, by the way did he like snort 6 lines of cocaine this morning or something, seriously?" Hidan asked.
"No, it's just nearly 8 cups of coffee…which is like cocaine this early in the morning." Kisame explained. Hidan went upstairs to wake Lola while Sasori freaked out, headed for the Windex and a roll of paper towels to start cleaning all the windows in the living room. Hidan cleared his throat.
"Um…Lola…um I know I'm sitting on your bed right now and you look all…beautiful and peaceful and innocent with you angelic brunette hair lying across….oh shit…shit shit shit…LOLA FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WAKE UP WE HAVE A SITUATION ON OUR HANDS!" Hidan yelled snapping himself out of his dreamy perception. Of course he scared the hell out of Lola.
"WHA….WHA….OH MY GOD! HIDAN!? WHAT THE HELL!?" Lola was now panting.
"Okay…okay…um….god this is kind of awkward. Yeah, I'm in your bed….um we need your help downstairs…we have a kind of situation." Lola yawned.
"What?" Lola asked still confused.
"Lola….get up and get downstairs now." Hidan said as calmly as possible hearing a ton of dishes hit the sink downstairs.
"Oh god…here comes the dishwasher." Hidan mumbled to himself.
"Alright, I'm going downstairs…hey where's Sasori?" Lola asked as she slowly got out of bed noticing that he was gone.
"Lola….SASORI IS THE PROBLEM!" Hidan yelled. And so they were now headed downstairs. Lola saw Sasori frantically loading the dishwasher.
"Oh god…Sasori? Sasori….honey what are you doing? Okay…honey…oh god your eyes are bloodshot as fuck. God, you've been drinking coffee this morning haven't you?" Lola said sleepily.
"COFFEE! DISHWASHER! COFFEE! DISHWASHER!" Sasori screamed rather incoherently.
"Honey….honey…come here…come here…..okay…okay calmly put the glass tumbler down…there you go. Okay, now your arm is still trembling and you have a death grip on it now…just slowly let go of the tumbler…now…step…away from the dishwasher…one more step…okay now one more step…good. Alright…now come here." Lola very slowly and carefully put her arms around. A little concerned that he may explode in the next 7 seconds. Of course, now Sasori was beginning stage one of his breakdown. He started crying.
"There you go…it's okay…it's okay." Lola said patting his back over and over.
"Oh my god….do you think we should call his counselor?" Hidan asked.
"Not yet, let's see if he starts talking about the 'terrible journey through childhood' then we'll ring her up." Kisame saod. "Come on, Lola's got this let's go back to bed….wait, wait….I don't mean together!" Kisame added quickly.
"Dude, dude, don't worry that thought hadn't entered my mind."
"Okay…Sasori…honey…we're going to go back to bed now and you're going to explain why you are currently possessed by an obsessive compulsive demon." Lola said . "Okay?"
"Yeah." Sasori answered through his tears.
"Alright, it's 7:00 in the morning…it's a Saturday…and this is never something we do at 7:00 in the morning on a Saturday…so let's go back upstairs, you've had a hell of a lot of coffee this morning and you are going to crash by the time I get you back in bed."
"Must…wash…bathroom rugs…" Sasori mumbled now that he had calmed down approximately 47 percent.
"No, no, no! We're going back to bed." And Lola led him back upstairs.
Exactly 2 hours later…
"Oh my god, this house is absolutely spotless. In fact it's so clean I'm actually a little scared to sit on the couch. What's up with this?" Kakuzu asked.
"Well, to make a long story short, Sasori woke up at the crack of dawn this morning. Cleaned the whole house like a homicidal maniac because he was wound up on coffee. Lola was called for reinforcements…he crashed and burned and now here we are awake and he's probably going to be knocked out for another 2 hours at least. And that's the story Hidan explained.
"Um…why?" Kakuzu was still somewhat confused.
"His grandma is coming to our house today. Apparently she likes to go through the house and look for unclean spaces. Kisame said.
"You know, I thought the real concern here was Sasori's grandma meeting Lola. Because his grandma hates lawyers and people from Connecticut." Zetsu wondered out loud.
"Yeah….wow….the next few days with Sasori's grandma will be interesting that's for sure." Hidan said.
"I'm not at all nervous about this yet Sasori is about to have an ulcer. I mean what can be so bad about an 89 year old lady that walks slowly!?" Kisame asked.
Yes, yes….that is the question what IS so bad about an 89 year old lady that walks slowly…