Sherlock Holmes
Spoof
The Case of the Popping Corn
Scene One- "My Name is Dr. Watson"/ Moriarty Strikes
Setting: A busy London street. A man with a thick mustache, dressed in grey is sitting on a bench, watching pedestrians. A boy runs up and tries to pick-pocket him. The man grabs the boy by the wrist.
Man: What do you think you're doing?
Boy: I'm sorry sir! But I've gone through an experience that was not jolly-good!
Man: It can't be any worse than what I just got through.
Boy: What?
Man: Well, if you're done stealing things, I'll tell you.
Boy: I am. Just tell me the story.
Man: Well first I think we should introduce ourselves. What's your name?
Boy: Charlie Dickens.
Man: Well, my name is Dr. Watson.
Charlie: I don't care. Just tell it to me!
Watson: Alright, fine. Don't get your chemicals in a boom.
Charlie: What?
Watson: Wow, I've been hanging out with him too much already. (Clears throat.) Anyway, as a tribute to Aladdin: (Voice gets intense.) It begins on a dark night… where a dark man waits… with a dark purpose…
(Scene fades and comes back up to a dark and foggy street. A man with a torn, traveling cloak saunters down it. He pauses at an alley and glances around, making sure no one is around, then disappears down the alley. A taller man with a dark cloak and a top hat is waiting for him. This man's name is Professor Moriarty.)
Moriarty: You are late, Colonel Moran.
Moran: (Sarcastically) Please accept my humble apologies, oh patient one.
Moriarty: (Loudly) Shut-up! Someone will hear you.
Moran: But you just, oh never mind. I've got the item.
Moriarty: Really? Err, I mean good. (Holds hand out eagerly.)
Moran: (Takes out small package from his cloak.) I had to tip over a few cows, but I got it.
Moriarty: What? Oh, never mind. Just give it to me. (Grabs it from Moran's hand and examines it. Smiles.) Excellent… (Puts package in his own cloak and begins to walk down the alley. Moran follows.) You are a good man in my eyes, Moran. A good man!
Moran: (Mutters under breath) Yeah, I know. (Clears throat.) I mean, yes, thank you sir.
Moriarty: So this man, Redenbacher, is he aware of our little theft?
Moran: He won't find out until morning, sir.
Moriarty: Good. (Stares at the moon.) My plan is working perfectly, Moran. There is only one person who could possibly stop me now.
Moran: And who might that be?
(Scene fades.)
Scene Two- Dr. Watson Meets Sherlock Holmes
Setting: Doyle's Juice Pub in London. Several people are sitting at the bar drinking (juice of course). One man has his face on the counter and is wearing an English hunter's hat. Watson enters the pub.)
Narrator Watson: I had just returned to London from Afghanistan where I had been a medical sergeant. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford an apartment, but a friend of mine said that I would find someone here who I could share the rent with; some guy named Sherlock Holmes.
Bar Tender: (To a customer.) So, Lestrade, any news from Scotland Yard on the theft that happened last night?
Lestrade: No, but my hic associates and I are hot on the hic mail.
Bar Tender: You mean trail?
Lestrade: That's what I said. (Slams empty bottle on counter.) Now give me another one.
Bar Tender: (Shakes head and gives Lestrade another bottle of prune juice. Then turns to Watson.) So what can I get you?
Watson: What do you have?
Bar Tender: we have apple juice, orange juice, cranberry juice-
Watson: Cranberry sounds good.
Man with English hunter's hat: (Sits up quickly.) Cranberry juice! I just had almost a whole barrel of that! (Falls off his stool.)
Watson: On second thought, I'll go with the apple.
Bar Tender: Good idea. (Turns to get drink.)
Man with English hunter's hat: (From floor.) Oysters!!!
Watson: Is he always like this?
Lestrade: It's the fourth Sunday of hic June. Sherlock Holmes always gets like this on the fourth Sunday of June.
Watson: Sherlock Holmes. I'm looking for him.
Bar Tender: Really? What, are you in some sort of trouble?
Watson: Why would you ask that?
Bar Tender: Mr. Holmes over there is the greatest detective of our time!
Lestrade: He's a complete show-off, that's what he hic is.
Bar Tender: The only reason why you don't like him is because he's smarter than you. (To Watson.) Usually, Mr. Holmes is a gentleman, but on this day of the year, he gets drunk and it's the only time he does it.
Watson: Why? There's no point to it.
Bar Tender: (Shrugs.) I don't know, but it makes good business. He puts on a real show in this condition.
Sherlock: (Slams a cheap trophy in the shape of a violin on the counter, but stays on the floor.) I was eight times violinist champion! EIGHT TIMES! But does anyone remember that? NO! Nobody remembers me! Ahh! My life is a blank abyss of failure! Ahh!
Lestrade: Done! Another!
Bar Tender: How many is that for you?
Lestrade: Forty hic two.
Bar Tender: You know what? Here. (Hands Lestrade five bottles of juice.)
Sherlock: (Stands, using the stool for balance.) I'm gonna be heading home now. (Begins to walk, but falls over.)
Watson: Do you need help?
Sherlock: Nonsense. I'm perfectly fine. I've walked home a thousand times before.
Watson: Here. (Puts Sherlock's arm around his shoulder, carries him out the door, and begins to walk down the sidewalk.)
Sherlock: (Cradles head with his free hand and begins to groan.) Oooh… if you get me out of this, I promise I won't drink again for as long as I live. (More groaning.)
Watson: Speaking of that, where do you live?
Sherlock: 221… Baker…
Watson: Baker Road? The same one as the school?
Sherlock: Oh, heck no! It's Baker Street, around the corner. (Even more groaning.)
Watson: All right, I'll get you there. (Walks toward Baker Street. Scene fades.)
Scene Three- Meanwhile, Back at Moriarty's Lair…
Setting: A large and decrepit house. Moriarty and Moran enter, finding the other henchmen playing a Game Cube.
Henchman #4: Oh, sweet! I'm in the Sudden Death! Who's Yoshi?
Henchman #3: I am. You're going down, Pichu.
Henchman #2: Who plays as Pichu? It's the worst character on this game.
Henchman #4: It's not so bad.
Henchman #1: Not so bad? It hurts itself when it attacks! How did you manage to get into Sudden Death?
Moriarty: What are you all doing?
Henchman #1: Playing Super Smash Brothers, what does it look like?
Moriarty: What is this… Super Smash Brothers? (There is a pause.)
Henchmen #2 and 3: What?
Henchman #4: Did he just ask that?
Henchman #5: Newb!
Moriarty: What's a newb?
Moran and Henchmen: NEWB!!!
(Moriarty gives Moran a hard stare.)
Moran: …What?
Moriarty: You know what? (Unplugs the Game Cube.)
Henchman #1: What are you doing?
Henchman #3: I was winning!
Henchman #4: No you weren't, I KO'd you just before it went dead.
Henchman #5: How? You're a suicidal, electric ra-
Moriarty: ENOUGH!!! Meeting. Kitchen. Now.
(All groan and follow Moriarty to the kitchen.)
Moriarty: Okay, Moran here has successfully stolen the research from Redenbacher. (Pauses, then motions for them to applause. The henchmen clap pathetically.)
Moran: Gee… thanks.
Moriarty: And with no casualties, I might add.
Moran: Oh wait, that's not true. I sort of… killed the stable boy and on top of that I tipped over his cows.
Moriarty: What?!
Henchman #1: Well, Moran was the greatest player on the English cow-tipping team.
Moran: Keepin' It Rural.
Moriarty: I'll overlook that. But the murder will attract my old foe.
Henchman #5: Oh boy, here we go.
Henchman #4: Hey, do you mean Shir-
Moriarty: Don't say it!
Henchman #4: -ley Temple?
(All stare at Henchman #4.)
Moriarty: (Sarcastically.) Exactly, Shirley Temple. Anyway, this research, (throws it on the table) I will pass on as my own. Redenbacher's been working on it for years, and it's sure to be big.
Henchman #2: How will you be able to pass it off as your own?
Henchman #3: Yeah, won't people know that it's not yours?
Moriarty: Well, Redenbacher never applied for a copyright so it's fair game.
Henchman #3: Makes sense.
Moriarty: Good. Then meeting adjourned. I just wanted you all to know what going on because I want you all to be informed.
Henchman #1: Hey, Professor M, what is the research about anyway?
Moriarty: I'm not telling you!
(Scene fades.)