I know my summary didn't say much so I'll explain some more : I picked up right where Jacob opens his door in 'New Moon' and smells the vampire, who as we know turned out to Alice, but my story twists there cause Alice isn't there for Jacob to smell. Read to findout more...

This is the first fanfic I've posted in about 4 or 5 years and I'm a little out of the loop, so keep that in mind - be gentle!

Enjoy :)

Disclaimer : All belongs to the great Stephenie Meyer

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Jacob released me automatically , reaching for the door.

Wait, I wanted to say. Just a minute. But I was still locked in place, listening to the echo of Edwards voice in my head.

"Be happy..."

Without looking at me, jacob said calmly, "lets get you inside - it's been a rough day."

I nodded silently and stared forward as I unlatched my own door and climbed out of his car. My house looked dark to me, almost scary as I started up the walk, wishing I was anywhere but here. I knew Charlie wouldn't be here and the knowledge left me shaken and un-glued. I felt Jacobs' hand on my arm and looked up, staring into his thoughtful eyes.

"Keys, Bella?"

Confused, I glanced around and slowly drew the conclusion and backtracked, wondering how we ended up in front of the door so quickly. I cleared my throat and nodded. "Um, yeah, keys..."

It took longer than normal it seemed, for me to get the door open; I wasn't sure if it was due to my shaking hands or a attempt to keep from entering the cold and dark house. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, I had been doing so good lately. With Jacob's help I was finally seeing the wold again, finally patching up my heart. The hole had been getting cleaner and cleaner, slowly scabbing over.

But with one look at my house, everything seemed to suddenly start to rip apart.

"Bella..."

I heard Jacob's shaky voice and looked up, noticing we were in the kitchen and he was pacing in front of the sink. He suddenly stopped and strode quickly over to me, engulfing me in his large, warm embrace.

"I love you."

The hole in my heart suddenly burst open, ripping my newly healed skin into pieces as his emotional words hit me full force. I could feel the shaking start and knew the sobs would be right behind them. The whole ride over here I had contemplated if loving Jacob would be enough to make my heart happy but it wasn't I finally realized; loving Jacob would finally be the end to my tortured heart's existence.

I did love him, I truly did. But not the way he wanted. And not the way he deserved. And the longer I let him delude himself into thinking that someday, I may, the guiltier I would feel until my heart just finally stopped beating.

I opened my mouth to protest my side but stopped, realizing the sobs escaped first. I shook my head and pushed out of Jacob's embrace before he really understood what was going on. I could feel his eyes on me as I turned and leaned onto the table, trying to steady my crying so I could finally plead my case.

"Bella..." His voice was soft and understanding as he reached for me again, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. "I know Edward hurt you-"

I jerked violently away as his name was mentioned. The irioney was not lost on my hysterical-headed mind at all; here I was, about to push away someone who loved me whole-heartely to save my own heart from exploding.

I was Edward and Jacob was my Bella. I was gonna rip a hole in his heart just like the one oozing in my own chest. I felt retched and sick to my stomach when he reached for me again, finally finding my voice to cry out, "don't touch me."

Even from my distance I could feel his body stiffen and his hand pause in mid-air. I squeezed my eyes shut and breathed out of my mouth, pushing the puking sensation downward. After a long minute I reopened my eyes, thankful that Jacob hadn't moved yet - it helped me gain my courage and composure.

"What did I do?" he asked finally, his voice soft and confused.

I swallowed hard and, after licking my lips, I finally pushed past my mouth, "I can't do this if you're touching me."

I think he finally realized which way I had made my mind up cause the room became suddenly still once more. I was almost convienced he had left when I turned around, only to find him turned away, leaning on my counter. I saw his elbows shivering and then heard the low creak as my kitchen counters protested to his grip.

I rubbed my tongue against the roof of my mouth, fighting to be able to control it. After the third try, I was able to start. "Jacob-"

"Don't Bella," he told me quietly, his voice hard. "I don't want to hear it."

Tears sprung my eyes again but I fought them back fiercely, determined to get through this. "I need to say this, Jake." I stopped to take in a deep breath but it was cut off when Jacob was suddenly in front of me, crushing me against.

"You don't have to say anything Bella," he argued fiercly, running his hands through my hair. "We can both just be quiet now and nothing has to change."

I tried to shake my head but Jacob held me tight and wasn't willing to let me go. I made do with speaking and forced past my cold lips, "yes I do. I-"

"No, Bella, no!" Jacob suddenly roared, shoving away from me and spinning around. I clumsenly caught my balance and watched as he grasped at his hair and breathed deeply.

A slight tremor or fear gripped me before I pushed it back down, reminding myself that this was Jacob, my Jacob, and that he would never hurt me. Not even the way I was about to hurt him.

"I still love him..."

"Screw Cullens!" Jacob shouted, turning back to me and taking my shoulders into his hands and leaning down, looking right into my eyes - even though I was trying my best to avoid his.

"He left you Bella!" he argued. "He cared more about his own damn feelings than yours! He doesn't deserve your love!"

Fierce heat forced through my body, making me almost hiss with the pure emotion suddenly flowing through my cold and barren body. I didn't even try to push Jacob's hands off my shoulders, I knew they wouldn't budge even if I tried, but I let loose on him with my words.

"He cared more about my feelings than you'll ever know!" I suddenly screamed, much more louder than I had intended. Jacob, taken back by my outburst, leaned his face away but didn't remove his arms. I could feel my breath starting to pick up again, my hands starting to shake once more as I shook my head, remembering that day in the woods much more clearly than I wanted to at this moment.

"More than I'll ever know..." I whispered, placing my hands over my face and letting the tears come freely now. I finally understood why Edward tossed me off the way he did, it's also the same reason I was doing the same thing to Jacob : the longer we drew it out, lured them on, the harder we would hurt them in the end.

And the worst he could have done was let me turned.

I slowly looked up into Jacob's eyes and told him gently, "I'm sorry..."

I saw Jacob swallow multiple times and clench his jaw before whispering back, "and if I wait?"

He let me shrug out from under his arms as I backed up and wrapped my own arms around my waist. I stared down at the floor before answering in my broken voice, "it's not gonna change...I'll still love him - no matter how he feels about me."

"And how do you feel about me?"

"Jake-" I begged, looking up toward the ceiling, my eyes still tearing up.

"No, Bella, I wanna know," he stressed, still eyeing me. "The truth."

I paced backwards until I knew I was near the living room entrance and turned, leaning into the doorframe, bracing my self for what I was about to say.

"Bella," Jacob whispered, not moving an inch but still holding his ground. "Do you love me too?"

"Yes," I mouthed, but I knew Jacob heard me with his excellent hearing. "Yes, ok," I repeated, louder this time, turning to face him. "Are you happy?!" I accused, storming up to him to continue ranting. "Here I am, standing here hurting you while you look at me like I can do no wrong. But you're wrong cause I do harm you! I shouldn't have leaned on you like I did when I knew I could never give you what you want!"

"How do you know what I want?!" Jacob tossed back. He saw my 'well-duh' look and rolled his eyes before adding, "but I might want other things too. Maybe I want you to be happy, with me. Who needs it all?"

I softened my tone and reached up, caressing his cheek sadly. "My Jacob...my sweet Jacob...you deserve it all," I whispered, finally pulling my hand away. "And I can't give you that."

"I don't care!" he whispered hotly, placing both his hands on my face and staring into my eyes. The devastating hurt lurking below the surface, the hurt he was trying so hard to push down, made me take in a deep breath. Just that little glimmer in his eyes proved to me that I was doing the right thing cause, sooner or latter, I would hurt him over this.

And I never wanted that hurt to be more than just a glimmer.

"I do care, Jake...I do care," I told him finally. I gently pulled his hands away and he let me, his face going emotionless. I knew the hard jaw was the first hint of his callous remarks to come and I braced myself for the pain they would bring, slamming my eyes shut. I was breaking him and he deserved to rant, to let his healing start.

Maybe if I had fought back with Edward...

I cleanched my eyes even tighter and held in the sob that thought brought. I waited patiently but nothing happened. I finally took in a deep, rattled breath and opened my eyes, finding myself standing alone in the kitchen. I could hear the wind blowing outside through the open door for a few beats before the loud howl reached my ears.

I covered them with my hands and leaned down, trying to block the anguished cry from my head.

I did that to him, I thought, doubling over even more as I sobbed openingly. I laid there on the kitchen floor till I was empty - inside and out. I'd cast my sun away forever it seemed. Edward was gone and now Jacob was too. My eyes started to daze and I fell into the sleep-less sleep, knowing I was right back to how I was those months ago.

I was broken.

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So...if you actually made it to the bottom of this, please let me know what you think, even if it's not praise - I promise I won't cry :)