this is just something to keep you company while my other Naruto fic is coming along. I finished this one a while ago but decided to upload it because Saturn's Rings is going nowhere right now and since school is giving me heaps of work to do, especially homework, it doesn't look like it will be finished this year, which is a real shame cuz I really want to get that story out of the way and work on something else. At the very least, this is some entertainment from me for the year. It's really just an experiment to challenge other mpreg fics that I noticed were really crappy and see if I could do it better.
I'm sure you may notice some incnsitencies throughout the duration of this story, but as Greene said: "I'm writing a story, not a piece of history" (or something along those lines). It's not really too much of a concern as to which events occured where and this is just fanfiction anyway.
Disclaimer: for future reference - I don't actually own Naruto although I could probably formulate an elaborate debate to convince you otherwise... but I won't.
Morbid Humour
Chapter One: The Morning After
Naruto watched from the high tree branch he was crouched on. Sasuke was right beneath him and a few metres away from the tree at a small, crystal clear stream washing his face. The blood of an enemy was washed into the stream, destroying the beautiful clarity of the water. His clothes were stained with that blood as well so when he was done with his face he took off his shirt and started to wash that too.
Naruto had to move but he knew that if he did Sasuke would definitely see him… then he would be chased. So he sat still and silent (wouldn't Sasuke laugh at the thought of Naruto – the number one loudmouth, idiotic ninja – still and silent?) He wasn't even supposed to be there—escorting a Daimyo back to his country after the Chuunin Exams and returning promptly did not somehow involve running off to spy on a Konoha missing nin. At the moment he was AWOL.
"Damn this all to Hell," Naruto thought bitterly. "What am I even doing here? Sasuke isn't coming back to Konoha." He decided that sitting still and silent could go and get screwed, he was out of there. He jumped from the branch he was on and landed silently on the ground behind the tree out of Sasuke's line of sight should he turn around.
A kunai grazed the edge of the tree trunk and hit another tree behind it. Naruto gasped.
"Come out and show yourself," Sasuke demanded. "If you don't I'll kill you where you stand."
While Sasuke spoke loudly and clearly Naruto performed a transformation jutsu. Hopefully it was quiet and without a lot of smoke… and hopefully, Naruto had done it right.
Sasuke blinked. A cute girl at about thirteen or fourteen years of age came out from behind the tree. She was wearing an orange short-sleeved shirt and orange and black shorts. She had bright blue eyes and blonde hair tied up in a single, high ponytail. She wasn't wearing a hitai-atae but she had a ninja equipment pack and a kunai holder on her right leg. Sasuke narrowed his eyes at that.
"Were you sent here to kill me?" he asked.
"N-no!" she stammered in a sweet, quiet voice. Sasuke harrumphed. She couldn't have been sent to kill him, she was too timid. Unless she was a decoy used to make him drop his guard.
"Where are your comrades hiding?"
"W-what comrades?"
She was either stupid or a complete disaster that her village wanted to get rid of if she didn't have backup. Sasuke looked around. He couldn't sense any chakra signatures hidden in the trees so it must have been true that she was alone. He smirked.
"What the hell do you think you're doing out here all alone?"
"Um…" Naruto didn't know what he was supposed to say as Sasuke started to approach him shirtless. He just knew that he had to keep up the disguise. It didn't seem that Sasuke knew it was him.
Sasuke grabbed the girl by the shoulders roughly and gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead. Naruto gasped. What the hell was Sasuke doing? One of Sasuke's hands slipped under the girl's shirt and up to her breast. She wasn't wearing a bra but her boobs weren't very impressive anyway. Naruto shivered under Sasuke's touch.
"Are you enjoying this?"
Naruto looked up into Sasuke's eyes and saw a horrid glint in lustful eyes. "Holy shit! He's not going to rape me, is he?" wondered Naruto inwardly. Although it would make some sense. Sasuke had been running around with Orochimaru for the past two and half years with few to no females in sight and it wasn't like he was going to get down and do it with Orochimaru or Kabuto. It was only normal for an isolated teenager to be horny.
Sasuke crushed his lips down onto the girl's in a forceful kiss. His thumb teased her nipple until it hardened. Naruto felt heat rushing to his head and his groin. He knew he had to concentrate and not let the transformation fall apart. He gasped and moaned. It felt really good in a really bad way.
Sasuke's erection bumped into Naruto's crotch. Naruto gasped in surprise and looked down at the tent in his former friend's pants. Sasuke's smirk widened as his hands reached down to undo both pairs of pants. He slipped his hands into the girl's underwear and rubbed her vagina erotically. Naruto shuddered but moaned. Sasuke pushed his victim against the nearby tree and positioned his member at her entrance. He didn't bother beating around the bush, he just thrust. The girl moaned in pain at first but her hymen seemed to have already been broken. Sasuke thought nothing of it. An innocent girl like this one who seemed to be a bit lost was an easy target for many. Sasuke thrust fast and hard, earning pleasured moans and gasps from the girl even though the angle was a bit awkward. He kissed her neck and bit down on certain spots of his choice to lick and suck. The girl hissed at the sharp pains in her neck.
Naruto's eyes suddenly widened. Why was he enjoying this? This was gross! He was being fucked off his feet by his ex-best friend. Yet he couldn't push away now. It might throw Sasuke off and make him suspicious.
With a satisfied grunt Sasuke came inside of the girl. Between concentrating enough to keep his genjutsu up and trying not to show that he was freaking out about being raped by Sasuke Naruto hadn't even nearly reached his climax. Sasuke pulled out, leaving Naruto's desire unfulfilled but wasn't that just like Sasuke. He only cared about his own desire.
Sasuke adjusted his pants, not even bothering to help that poor girl fix herself up. Her feet hit the ground and she fell to the side. Sasuke stared down at her impassively. She lay on her back looking shocked and shaken. A twinge of pity made him decide to put her out of her misery. It wasn't worth letting that girl live to wander around getting raped and used. He unsheathed his katana and held it above his head. Naruto's eyes widened when he saw the sword. He was going have his head severed.
The blade fell and Naruto moved in the nick of time. It was enough time to save his head but as he pulled his pants and up and ran away he had to hold a long gash above his hips.
Sasuke watched the girl go. There wasn't much point in running after her. If she wanted to live then so be it.
Naruto ran back to camp. He dropped his genjutsu and shook Sakura's tent. Instead of Sakura coming out of her tent, Sai came out of his. He and Naruto stared at each other for a while. Sai raised an eyebrow and looked at the gash Naruto was holding. He tried to suppress his laughter but the giggles came out anyway. He could only stop himself from laughing harder.
Naruto narrowed his eyes. "What are you laughing at?"
"I didn't know you were pregnant," Sai said. His giggles turned into laughter at Naruto's confused look. Yamato decided that he'd pretend to sleep to see how the scene would play out. "Although it does explain some important details like why you don't have a penis!"
Naruto's face turned red with anger. "I do so have a penis!" he yelled.
"Naruto, what are you yelling about?" Sakura muttered, crawling out of her tent. "Is it already time to switch shifts?" She looked at the gash under Naruto's belly and also burst into a fit of giggles. "Naruto, I didn't know you were pregnant."
"What are you talking about?" Naruto asked with a look of clear confusion on his face. That just made Sakura laugh harder.
"You look like you just had a C-section!"
Naruto's confused expression intensified. "What's a C-section?"
"Pregnant women get their babies cut out of their stomachs because they can't give birth properly," Sai replied.
Naruto's face lit up with an embarrassing blush. He glared at Sai. "I don't care what it looks like! Sakura, I just want it stitched before my guts fall out."
"Or your baby," Sai added. Sakura and Sai went into another fit of giggles.
After much yelling, giggling and joking about Naruto's gender confusion Sakura eventually got around to getting out the first aid kit and finding a sterile needle and thread. She began to wonder about Naruto's wound as she stitched it carefully. It was straight and clean and deep enough to really be a C-section. No tree branch could have done it.
"Naruto, how'd you get this injury?" Sakura asked.
Naruto pursed his lips. Should he tell her the truth? "I met up with Sasuke…"
Sakura paused and gasped. "Sasuke was here?!"
Naruto shook his head. "I went looking for him."
"You did what?" exclaimed Sakura. "Naruto, you shouldn't have. You were supposed to be keeping guard anyway. I can't believe you left your post to go looking for Sasuke again."
Naruto didn't need to look to see the tears prickling her eyes. Sai just stood back and watched the scene impassively. "I couldn't help myself. I had to find him. There must be some hope to bring him back."
"Naruto…" Sakura said with a cracking voice. "Just… don't… okay?"
Naruto didn't nod or shake his head. He just stared at the stars above.
"It's better for all of us this way."
This time Naruto shook his head. "No matter how we try to kid ourselves, it's better the way it was before."
Early the next morning team Yamato set off to continue their return trip to the Hidden Village of Konoha. They made good time and arrived two days later within the deadline. Their return journey was uninterrupted and fairly carefree but with an eerie, pregnant (if that's not too redundant) silence between them. When they got back to the village Tsunade commended them for a job well done and told them to not look so down – the selfish Daimyo couldn't have been that bad to work with. They all got paid a heftily and they were all in one piece so there wasn't anything to cry about. The team decided to keep one small detail to themselves.
After all was said and done the team went their separate ways but Naruto offered to walk Sakura home. They proceeded at a rather slow pace due to Naruto's wound and in silence. Naruto wracked his brain for something to talk about or at least something to say. Sakura's eyes were downcast, indicating her upset mood. Naruto just didn't know what to say. Every time he tried to think up a topic his mind went back to Sasuke and the event that took place. He shuddered involuntarily at some point, catching Sakura's attention.
"Naruto, is there something wrong?" she asked.
Naruto turned to her in surprise but shook his head. "No, there's no problem."
"You don't look sure. Is there something you need to talk about?"
Naruto shivered but shook his head regardless. "My injury just hurts, that's all."
Sakura nodded as if she understood but didn't believe him for a second. "Well, if you ever do have something you need to get off your chest you know I'm always there for you, right?"
Naruto nodded. He then shook his head as a wave of nausea ran through him. Sakura looked at him confusedly. "Naruto? Are you sure you're well?" She forced him to stop where they stood and put a hand against his forehead. "You feel a bit warm. You might have a fever. It's probably just a cold, though."
"Yeah," Naruto said expressionlessly. He suddenly had to cough so he covered his mouth so as not to disgust Sakura. Bile was rising into his throat, he could already taste it. His stomach cramped and his legs suddenly felt weak. He fell to his knees and doubled over. With a heave he vomited on the road. The nausea hit him again even worse when he threw up a second time.
Sakura gasped. "Naruto, you're sick! We should get you home… or to a clinic or hospital, whatever's closer." She rubbed his back soothingly while he hurled. He suddenly leaned to the side and fainted.
"Naruto!" screamed Sakura. "Someone help! Call an ambulance, he's really sick."
Sakura looked around desperately for anyone who would help. She saw some older people peek out of their windows and doors but shut them upon seeing that it was Naruto. "The demon brat deserves to die," some of them muttered under their breaths as they tuned out of Sakura's cries for help. Only one little girl who only appeared to be about six or seven years old continued to stare from her doorstep. Sakura ran up to her.
"Hey, are your parents home?"
The girl shook her head.
"Well, do you have a phone?"
The girl nodded.
"That's all I need. Thank-you," Sakura said quickly and rushed into the girl's house.
Naruto opened his eyes to the familiar white ceiling of the hospital. His head was pounding and he felt so tired. He couldn't remember what had happened to him, he didn't even remember ever falling asleep. There were voices in the distance, familiar voices. They chatted lightly but with a damp heaviness upon them.
"Tsunade-sama, what's the matter with Naruto?" That sounded like Sakura.
"I don't know. He tests concluded that there are no stomach viruses. It probably has something to do with that wound of his. Where did he get it?" That was probably Tsunade.
"I-I don't know."
"He's probably sick because you didn't stitch it properly, ugly. You are such a poor medic." Sai… obviously.
"SAI!!!"
"Sakura! Tell me how he got that wound."
"I told you, I don't know."
"And I don't believe you for a second."
"Tsunade-sama, you don't know for sure that she's lying." That voice sounded like Shizune's.
"It's simple, Tsunade." Naruto turned his head to see Sai speaking. "Naruto couldn't hold his baby in so it called for an emergency operation." The room went silent for a minute. Then the occupants started to giggle.
"Fuck you, Sai," Naruto said.
"Aw, awake so soon, Sleeping Beauty? I didn't even get my kiss," Sai teased.
Naruto glared at him. "Go find some gay prostitute to fuck with. Leave me alone."
"Cool it, Naruto," Tsunade snapped. "Where'd you get that wound from?"
Naruto was taken aback with bemusement for a while before he realized that Tsunade was talking about the gash. There was no point in lying to Tsunade. "During the mission, I ran into Sasuke."
Tsunade didn't react to that but Shizune's jaw dropped. "S-Sasuke!" she exclaimed.
Tsunade turned to Naruto's team mates. "Did you know about this?" she asked sternly. Sai immediately nodded but Sakura remained hesitant. Tsunade didn't repeat her question. She glared at the side of Sakura's head that was turned to face the adjacent wall. Sakura could feel Tsunade's glare on her and the expectant stares of everyone waiting for an answer as if they were as tangible as a thick, heavy fog.
Sakura shut her eyes and nodded. She knew it was stupid but with her eyes shut she almost felt like she couldn't feel the guilt of feeling like she was betraying the trust of a friend… like Naruto.
Ton-ton snuffled in Shizune's arms. Tsunade sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Naruto's lucky to escape with nothing but that."
Naruto hoped to God that that was really all he escaped with.
Over the course of the next few weeks Naruto wasn't feeling his best. He woke up with his healing wound aching and the urge to vomit. Sometimes when he vomited he would suddenly wake up on his bathroom floor and realize that he'd fainted. He'd been losing his appetite, especially in the morning after vomiting. Some days he just didn't eat altogether. As a result of the peculiar new eating habits he lost a lot of weight in the space of just one month but his belly was starting to swell slightly. He was severely lacking in chakra and so he put up a pathetic effort in training and missions everyday. Eventually, it started to get on Yamato's nerves.
At the end of one training session he grabbed Naruto by the shoulder and demanded to know what was going on. Sakura watched on worriedly. Sai watched on impassively.
"Naruto, do I look like a fool to you?" Yamato said. Naruto turned away. "I want to know what's wrong with you. If you're sick don't train and don't waste my time, it's as simple as that."
"I'm not sick… I swear."
"But Naruto," Sakura piped up. "Have you seen yourself in a mirror lately? You've lost so much weight it can't possibly be healthy."
"Naruto, I'm demanding the truth!" Yamato pulled his 'scary face' at Naruto. Naruto cringed under the glare.
"I… I haven't been feeling well."
"No shit," Sai muttered.
Naruto was about to loudly retort until pain suddenly bloomed in his belly. It felt like there was a vice around his waist that would continue tightening until his guts were blown out through his head. Naruto put his arms around his stomach and fell to his knees. His back was aching and his loins felt like they were on fire. Naruto bent over so far that his forehead was resting on the ground. His breath became fast and shallow. Naruto didn't see the concerned looks of his team and he didn't feel the hands of Sakura and Yamato lifting him up. His eyes were tightly shut as if that would drown out the pain but that only made it feel worse with most of his senses now dulled. He would have rather been beheaded by Sasuke than feel this pain.
Naruto woke up in hospital yet again. He looked around at the room he was in. There was an IV drip stuck into the crook of his left elbow. He was connected to a full life support system with a heart monitor beeping healthily. He turned his head to look up at the white ceiling above him and languidly brought his right hand up to block the offending light. A shadow was suddenly above him, blocking out the light so that he didn't have to shield himself. His hand returned to his side and he looked up at the face shadowing his. The brown-haired boy above him grinned.
"Hokage-sama, he's awake!"
"Oh, that's good," Tsunade said.
"Konohamaru?" Naruto mumbled.
"I went to see you at your house but there was no one there," Konohamaru explained. "So I went looking for you until I found Shizune in the Hokage tower and she told me you'd been in hospital since yesterday."
"Since yesterday?" Naruto wondered. "What happened to me?"
"I'll explain it to you simply," Tsunade said. Naruto turned to face her. She was reading off her notes and test results from a clipboard. "You almost had a miscarriage."
"Oh… a miscarriage. That must have been why it hurt so much." Naruto suddenly did a double take on what Tsunade had just said. "Hey, Tsunade-baa-chan, what's a miscarriage?"
"It's when a pregnant woman gives birth in early pregnancy while her baby is still developing, resulting in stillbirth – which is the birth of a dead baby – and don't call me an old lady like that!" the current Hokage explained. "However, we were able to save your baby."
Naruto couldn't yet place it but there was something wrong with the words Tsunade had just used.
"We weren't able to remove the foetus though," the Godaime continued. "I thought about giving you an abortion but I wasn't going to risk it since that wound from a month ago had opened up."
"An abortion is what pregnant women go to get when they don't want to have their babies, right?" Naruto guessed. Tsunade nodded brightly to confirm that right. Naruto's expression twisted up so much that Konohamaru thought he was going to be sick. He yanked the IV out of his arm and sped past Tsunade and Konohamaru, heading for the hospital roof.
Tsunade sighed. "It took him long enough."
Konohamaru became confused. "What took him long enough?"
Throughout the entire village an enormous cry of: "Holy shit!! I'm pregnant!" could be heard.
Naruto leaned against the roof fencing and slumped to the ground in a sad state of sudden depression. He let his eyes fall to the space between his knees and felt hot tears prickling his eyeballs. "I can't believe it, I'm pregnant. Why didn't I stop to think that this sort of thing would happen? I knew I should have just pushed him off. Now I'm pregnant with Sasuke's baby," he muttered.
Konohamaru found Naruto amongst the neat rows of drying sheets and ran up to him excitedly. "Hey, Naruto!"
"I'm pregnant… I can't believe I'm- wait!" Naruto's head snapped up and he had a very annoyed expression on his face. "I think Tsunade-baa-chan just tricked me! Boys can't get pregnant!"
Naruto stood up with a sudden uplift in his mood. He laughed whole-heartedly at himself. "Geez, I'm such an idiot for believing her too. Well, Konohamaru, I'm going to go back down and give Tsunade-baa-chan a piece of my mind. It was nice to see you again."
"Wait, Godaime-sama wanted me to tell you something."
"If it's an apology I'd much rather hear it from her."
"It's not that," Konohamaru said almost childishly. "She said as soon as you figure out that males can't have babies she wants you to know that you are seriously pregnant."
SasuNaru mpreg crap... I'm sure you really don't need any more of it but if you do have a sick or morbid sense of humour and want to read about something really controversial near the end just let me know if you liked it. However, you should expect updates to be sparodic.