Disclaimer : I love Naruto, I really do, but Avatar is my brand of heroin, and Crack Pairings make better crack. I was not the first to come up with this idea, but a lovely idea it is. There is a particularly lovely description of the Tsukiyomi that cannot be accredited to me, also, but I still do hope that you enjoy. Lots of allusions to other things, and better times.
There are really only spoilers for the rare Naruto fan who doesn't read spoilers.
It took me a while to decide where to post this. I'm pretty sure the Crossover section is where fics go to die, so I had to chose one universe or the other. Since villains always seem to get a leg up in the Naruto universe, I was going to post it there, but Lu Ten's my homeboy, and how could I say no?
Thus:
AStormIsBrewing Proudly Presents
Two Villains in Love
The stars must have been set, the planets aligned, and the four horsemen had to have been galloping across the earth when the two lovers met; at least that was what Zuko thought as he read the gold ink scrawled across black cardstock. This was one of those moments when the world liked to prove just how much it really hated him.
It was probably too much, just letting Azula go at the end of the war, because she was getting her revenge, and getting married at the same time.
"As her brother, you will be expected to attend . . . ." Bull. He may be the Fire Lord now, but his future brother in law would only have to say 'Tsukiyomi' and he would be on the floor, foaming at the mouth and twitching in agony.
Of course, he would probably end in that state no matter what he did, though it was a small comfort to know he would not be suffering alone. Uchiha Itachi would spare no expense to see his bride happy on their wedding day.
Somewhere between now and Shippuden . . . .
"This has to be some kind of joke." Kakashi lifted his hitai-ate, just to confirm what his other eye could not believe.
"I thought it was funny," Anko said, looking over his shoulder at the wedding announcement.
"You think everything is funny, and you're grotesquely morbid, so you don't count." Kakashi folded the newspaper and handed it to Asuma.
"What are you going to do?" the other jounin asked, skimming the short paragraph.
"Pretend it never happened." Kakashi's nose was back in the newest volume of Icha Icha Paradise, but it was obvious his mind was miles away. "I think half the Uchiha clan must be rolling over in their graves."
"That should make those two happy."
"We're going to have to do something about it eventually," Kurenai argued, "or we can expect to hear news of some demon-spawn in the next few years."
Anko shrugged. "That's only if they're human enough to actually copulate. I think most evil types reproduce asexually, like through budding." She was met with blank stares. "I'm serious! How many times have you been in a fight, and taken down one enemy to have two more jump up in their place? They're like Lady Tsunade's slugs."
"I still say you're more than half insane, but your opinion is duly noted," Kurenai sighed. "And ignored."
Somewhere far, far away, Sasuke screamed, and a puppy died.
"But Tobi is a good boy?" The orange masked Akatsuki mascot cocked his head to the side as he stared at the other Uchiha child. He had only done what Itachi-sempai had asked! What if he had accidentally killed Itachi-sempai's brother?! And only days before the wedding!!
So Tobi did what any self-respecting shinobi would do when presented with a dead body : he hid the evidence like a good boy!
Of course, it did not occur to him that Sasuke was not quite dead, or that Itachi would be very pleased by his brother's reaction. Tobi was a good boy!
Invitations found their way across the universe, to various mailboxes in various galaxies, addressed to the biggest names in villainy imaginable. All desired to pay homage to this match made in villain-heaven (Hell).
"Why do we have to be the mailmen, un? If Itachi is so great, why can't he deliver the invitations himself?" Deidara pounded on the newest door, a rather impressive iron structure built in a wasteland of rock and lava. Hardly prime real estate, but who was he to judge? He had seen weirder on this useless venture.
"Why are we doing this again, un?"
"Kakuzu said that weddings could bring in more cash than they spend, if you do it right," Sasori replied, "and we need the money."
The iron doors screeched open, and Deidara resisted the urge to cover his ears in disgust, but only because the sight that greeted him was more disgusting. "Give this to your master, un," he said, handing the black envelope off to an orc, before turning back down the path. Sasori followed at a slower pace.
Zetsu was rather hungry as he looked at the invitations in his hands. He had traveled a long way, and was certain Itachi would not miss one of them . . . but his fiancee was another matter entirely. Fire was not something the plant-man of the Akatsuki could easily get along with.
Who knows? Maybe, if we are lucky, enough people will show up at the wedding that we can eat a few of them, and no one will notice.
With this resolution in mind, he calmly knocked on the door. It opened with a hiss, and Zetsu passed a pair of invitations to the white-clan Storm Trooper. "Deliver these to your masters," he said, and turned to depart.
Zetsu had a few more stops to make, and he had the most invitations to deliver by far (something about plants being more adapted to warp-travel). He delivered three invitations to a woman decked out in Lion regalia, to be delivered to her siblings, if at all possible, and one to a snake-like man that very much reminded him of Orochimaru. Another was addressed to a Mr. Gabriel Dunn and his esteemed father, and another to a rather abrasive humanoid at Capsule Corp. Zetsu hoped he would come. He looked rather tasty.
The Invitations were sent out, and the days passed and The Day drew nearer and nearer.
But what of our young couple, the stars themselves?
It was very true that Azula liked to be waited on, hand and foot. While Itachi would not bend to such menial labor as was demanded by his future bride, it was a very simple thing for him to bend another's will to his own, a trick which Azula could greatly appreciate.
Of course, Itachi could appreciate Azula's ability to do just that without the aid of the Sharingan eye, and knew that it took great intuition to manipulate people in such a way.
The two shared this very simple core philosophy : why waste energy when you can get someone else to do it for you? It left more time for snuggling and other things that villains do in their spare time, like torment their brothers and play with slinkies (1). Life, and ruling, and world domination in general was all about deferring labor; micro management would cause unnecessary amounts of stress.
But how did these two meet and fall in love, do you ask? It was merely a business transaction, as so many of these things are.
Azula had wished to hire a few Akatsuki members to make her brother's life miserable for a few months (Tobi would have been a perfect candidate), and she was sent a certain Uchiha Itachi and his companion, Hoshigaki Kisame. Azula knew her limits with subversion, but after Itachi had seen her masterful command of her rebels, and heard stories of her exploits, and soon began to find he had some sort of admiration for the girl recently turned woman (she was eighteen now). He did his best to get rid of such a useless emotion, and so immediately went to kill her.
What he did not expect was a fight, and a sudden rivalry. This being said, you know how well that fighting thing worked out for Zuko and Katara(2). One thing led to another, and soon the two were inseparable in their own way(as much as villains can be, you understand).
But why were they in 'love?' Well, many theorized that it would never come to them; they themselves decreed that it would be impossible to find another being so perfect as to compete with them and complete them. In due time they saw that they were overruled; seeing the other as more of a mirror of their own abilities, in some form or another.
And which of these two conceited geniuses could deny their own reflections? Eventually it was decided that it was only proper that they continue such perfect genes, that their duty to the world was to create a dynasty of obnoxious, flippant, wise-ass prodigies with the use of the Sharingan and superior control of Fire.
(1.) You know that the Uchiha clan would be so into slinkies, with their visual acuity what it is.
(2.) If the creators won't put them together, you know the fandom will. That's just the way of things.
(S(U(B(L(I(M(I(N(A)L)Z)U)T)A)R)A)
I got these awesome stickers at Ohayocon — of the gaang and the Akatsuki — and I finally decided to put them on my binder. My brother made a joke about Zetsu having chased Sokka into a corner for brunch, and I have no idea why it was hilarious at the time. Must have forgotten the punch line. But anyways, the fact remains that I looked at my binder a few hours later, and half of Sokka was missing.
Zetsu, we're going to need to have a talk.
Next Chapter is the Wedding, which I may or may not do.
Prolly. Whateva. So drop a review!
Hey, I just rhymed! That really deserves a review now, people.