Is Bella in love with Jasper or Edward? Or is it all just about sex? Will Edward take her back? Will Jasper break knives trying to cut himself? Will someone finally listen to Carlisle? Does Esme finally get over saying generic motherly statements? Ooooh, suspense! Read on.

Also, I do not own Twilight. I know it is hard to believe, but I am not actually Stephenie Meyer, making fun of fan fiction written about my work. Shocking. I will continue to repeat this until you stop thinking that I am trying to make a profit off of someone else's work. Now get off my back already.

After completing my sprint down the tunnel I dashed outside looking for Jasper. I found him on the corner of the porch, quietly sobbing, his eyes freshly lined with charcoal pencil.

"Sugar Baby, what's wrong?"

He glanced over my shoulder, crying harder at whatever it was he saw. I followed his gaze to the blond clueless boy standing on the porch.

"Mike! What are you doing here?"

He sighed in relief, completely oblivious the obvious changes in my appearance. "Bella! I thought you'd never get home. I'm here to pick you up."

I blinked in confusion. "Pick me up for what?"

"Our engagement dinner of course!" he exclaimed brightly.

Foolish boy. I shook my head in exasperation. "I may want to get it on with every vampire I see, but Mike, you just don't do it for me."

"But we're soul mates! I've always known deep down that your love for Edward was just a cover up for your intense feelings toward me." He dropped down to one knee. "Marry me my beautiful Bella!"

Ugh. Was he really serious? I had to get rid of him. Faster than Mike could see I ran in the house, plucked Alice's credit cards off of the desk, dashed back outside, and dropped them in Mike's pocket. I shot a smug smile at him before I yelled, "Alice! Mike is trying to steal your credit cards!"

Like a blur Alice came tearing out of the woods, screeching. "Whaaat?! Getoffourpropertyyoustealinglyingbastard.I'mgoingtokillyouforeventhinkingoftakingmymoney!Howdoyouexpectmetogoshoppingwithoutmymoney,youfreak!!" She plucked him off the porch and carried him back towards the woods. Mike was never heard from again.

I looked back toward Jasper, who was now hugging himself and rocking back and forth, muttering something about not being good enough for me. "Jasper, now what's wrong?"

"I know that you still love Edward more than me," he wailed.

I blushed, though I had no blood left to blush with. "But Jazz baby, you are my one and only true love."

He blinked away his venom tears. "Oh, ok. Let's do it."

"I thought you'd never ask!"

We ran up to his room, tearing clothes off as we went.

---Exlicit lemon scene, which has no bearing on the plot other than for the sake of lemons---

We came up for air about 15 days later. It was good to be a vampire that doesn't get tired. With Jasper now cheered up from his latest overemotional breakdown, we walked downstairs.

Esme was flying around the living room with a rag and a bottle of Lysol in her hands spraying down everything. "Eeek!" she screeched as we walked into the sparkling room. "Germs!"

She ran over, sprayed Jasper from head to toe, and proceeded to dust him. "There, that's better." She glanced to me next. No way was she going to spray me so trying to be quick, I attempted to dash behind the coffee table, but caught my foot on the leg of the chair and fell.

Emmett, appearing from nowhere, proceeded to point and laugh hysterically. "Funny!"

"Hey! I thought I was graceful now!"

Shrieking with glee Emmett began a childish chant. "Bellsy is clumsy, Bellsy is clumsy."

"Knock it off Emmett. That doesn't even rhyme." Trying to push myself up from the ground, I caught my arm on the side of the couch, fell forward, hit my head on the end table, bounced back, smacked my elbow on the floor, and scraped my knee on the rug. "What is going on?"

Carlisle shook his head patronizingly. "Bella, you know you are the most clumsy person on the planet. Did you really think that was going to change?"

I blushed. "I was less awkward when I was changed."

Carlisle arrogantly sniffed. "As I explained before, if anyone would have listened to me, that was just your super newborn awesomeness. Now you're just you again…But undeniably more pretty."

"Umm, thanks, I think," I mumbled, blushing again.

"Bella?" Esme asked, absently picking lint off my shirt. "Did you eat your animal today? You simply must keep up with your nutrition."

I swatted her hands away, knocking the Lysol bottle out of her grasp. Esme simply smiled blankly. "Whatever makes you happy dear. When you're happy I'm happy."

Suddenly, there was a loud crash outside. Jasper's head whipped around towards the sound. "Oooooohhhhhh nooooooo," he practically howled.

I ran to the window and saw Edward in some kind of cape, leading a motley assortment of vampires and werewolves out of the woods.

Streaking outside, I tripped down the front stairs and landed on my face. This whole clumsy thing is getting old. Picking myself off the ground and trying to regain my dignity I yelled at my stupid ex. "What are you doing you fool?"

"I have come to kill Jasper for stealing my one true love."

I shook my head. "Uh, you left me, remember?"

Edward scowled. "That is beside the point. I will always protect you, from everything and everyone." He glanced behind him at his posse. "You all ready?"

Leah crossed her arms, looking bored. "Yeah, sure, whatever."

Seth was bouncing like a kangaroo on speed. "Yes sir, let's do this now. I'm so ready. I can't wait. Oooh this is going to be fun. Edward you're my hero." He stared at Edward sycophantically. Jacob was there too, looking very angry.

Emily stepped around from behind Edward holding a basket of something. "I baked muffins! Does anybody want muffins? I have blueberry, cinnamon, chocolate chip, apple, and cheesecake. Yum!"

Jasper, Carlisle and I looked at each other in confusion. Muffins? She knew we didn't eat food.

Oblivious, she walked around the group trying to distribute her goods. "Jacob, want any muffins?"

He scowled at the basket. "I hate muffins. I hate everything."

Emily was getting obviously jittery. "Must feed people, need to give them muffins..." She walked off muttering to herself about baking cookies.

Jasper put himself between Edward and me, bawling again. "You can't take her from me! She's my entire world. We listen to Evanescence together and she bought me this awesome black hoodie and these Chuck Taylors."

Edward merely rolled his eyes. "Doesn't matter. It's my duty to protect her from all dangers, including the studs on your belt."

Emmett snorted with barely contained laughter behind me. "He said duty. HA! Duty, duty, duty!"

Rosalie slapped him on the back of the head. "Dude, grow up." She proceeded to pull a compact from her pocket and powder her face.

A shriek came from inside the house and a blur came streaking up next to Rosalie. "Dust! No more dust!" Esme shrieked. She frantically wiped all the powder off Rosalie.

"Enough!" bellowed Edward.

Every pair of eyes snapped to Edward. "I am here to safeguard Bella. You will let me! I love her!"

I shrugged. That sounded good to me. "Ok. I love you too Edward." I tossed a careless glance over my shoulder at the dejected Jasper. "Sorry man. It was good while it lasted."

"But Bella Boo…"

I ignored Jasper's outstretched hand and rand toward Edward. Halfway to my love, I tripped on a twig and tumbled to the ground. Blushing, I stood up, brushing dirt off of me.

Edward rushed over, now mounted on a white steed. "I'll protect you love!" He vaulted off his horse, and proceeded to smash the twig to bits. "This twig will never hurt you again! Ever!" I blushed at his chivalry.

I reached over and ran my hands up his body. "What's next stud muffin?"

"Well, since you already hopped into bed with Jasper I guess it's ok that we do it too."

"Sweet."

---More inappropriate lemons, waaay more explicit than the previous ones and that last for a about a chapter---

After our hot session in bed, Edward lazily toyed with my hair. "I think we should get married now."

I shrugged. "Great. I no longer have any reservations what so every about marrying you. The sooner the better!"

Somewhere from outside the house I heard a yelled, "I hate weddings!"

Alice burst into our room, oblivious to our obvious nakedness. "Oooooh, a wedding! Bella can I be your maid of honor? I can't wait to go shopping for your dress, and mine! And then we can do your hair, and make up too! And all the shoes we'll get you…"

Wedding up next! Mucho thanks to the readers who have stuck with this story during its long hiatus and special thanks to those awesome few who took the time to review!

-kc