Title: Obscurity
Rating: K
Categories: Angst/ Romance
Pairing: Raito x L
Warnings: Homosexual feelings, and unrequited love (sort of).
Summary:
It's hard to be chained to an paranoid detective, especially when you're in love with him.
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There are two kinds of light - the glow that illumines, and the glare that obscures
. James Thurber-
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You're always staring at me from the corner of your eye.
Constantly.
I mind. Damn it, I mind. I wish you'd stop, because it's more irritating than anything else I've ever experienced. More annoying than the constant weight of the cuff on my wrist, more annoying than being suspected as Kira, more infuriating than this stain that Matsuda so generously caused on my pants.
And that's saying something because I don't even like tea in my stomach, let alone on my lap.
Nonetheless, it is not anywhere near what your stare does to me. The blank, accusatory glare -you're even doing it right now? What do you expect me to do, Ryuuzaki? Do you expect me to kill a criminal right now? Do you expect me to give something away that could be used against me?
Impossible,
because I'm not Kira. I'm not going to slip anything about my guilt, because I am innocent, and that is where I stand. I have never killed anyone, and I wouldn't. I remember doing nothing of the sort, and have had no head injury to cause such amnesia, and therefore it's not plausible.And yet…
No. You make me doubt myself. You make me consider myself a suspect -how is that even possible? I know I didn't do it, but if I think objectively…if I where you and I where looking at Yagami Raito…then…I would suspect me too. No, I would more than suspect me. In my mind, I would be positive of my guilt, even if there was no proof.
It's outrageous.
I'm not you, I am Yagami Raito -and would recall being Kira. Because I don't remember anything of the sort, I can only conclude that I'm not Kira.
Yeah, you don't believe it either.
You're so damn annoying it almost hurts. Not just that stare of yours either. The way you repeatedly bite on your thumb until you nearly break the skin. You know what's going to happen when you bleed, don't you? Well, you're probably not going to do anything, forcing me to do something about it, which will come off as worry. And it is worry, I'll tell you that much.
It's not like you'll believe it, anyway. You'll think I'm faking, to gain your trust because I'm Kira, and you'll tell me that too. I allow myself to show concern for you, because I know you won't think it's genuine anyway. You'll just tell me to stop pretending to care, before coldly telling me how much the percentage has raised for my so-called feigned concern. You are completely uncensored, with no regard for my feelings whatsoever.
But then, if I'm Kira, you probably think me incapable of emotion anyway.
It always comes back to that; If I'm Kira.
If I'm Kira, then I've been lying this whole time. If I'm Kira, then I'm evil and not worth the dirt under your shoes (not that you wear them), if I'm Kira, then you're going to kill me as if the past five months never happened…!
If I'm Kira, then we're more than this, whatever this is we have. We're rivals of justice. I don't want to be Kira, I really don't, but…I do want to be more than this. I want to be more than just a teenage suspect strapped to you, a generic task force member and a friend when it suits you.
Sometimes I think if that's what it takes then I…but then I remember that you'll have me executed. And if I'm Kira -then shouldn't I want you dead? I don't want you dead. Sometimes you make me want to kill you though, like now, how your gawking at me. Staring at me with those horrible eyes. What the hell is up with those things? They're so -piercing -as if you were physically trying to stab me with them.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm looking at the screen in front of me, pretending to be productive when I'm actually thinking about you. And you…you're just peering at me with a same flat, plain face and it drives me insane slowly. Are you really just look for things that will raise the percentage that I'm Kira, because sometimes, briefly, something else flickers there that's almost interest…
But that's probably about Kira too.
I don't know what it is I feel for you exactly. It isn't love…at least, not yet it's not. If I have anything to say about it, it never will be. That's just much too involved -being in love with L, the greatest detective in the world, when I am a Kira suspect, a person who allegedly wants L gone.
I wonder if you really want me to be Kira. You once said you didn't, and then took it back. I wonder which answer is true. If it is…if you want me to be Kira…then you aren't what I thought. Then you are not just apathetic, but cruel as well. Cruel, to want to kill me without a second thought. I have never thought you were a particularly harsh person, just unaware that your blunt words are rude.
But you would kill me, if you want to kill me…
What have I done to deserve such a sentence? Not only my death, but your willingness for my death. I don't think anything I've done thus far deserves such treatment. I don't want your death. One of the reasons I want to catch Kira so much is so that he won't get to kill you.
But then, I suppose it isn't right to compare us. We aren't anything alike, except for our minds, which match perfectly, as though they -we - were a always meant to meet. I have preached fate to girls (for some reason I can't remember), and it's not a concept I usually condone but…that's how it feels sometimes. To have your genius with mine, for us to be able to know what the other is thinking, am I incorrect to assume there is something special about that…?
No, no. Perhaps that is where I'm wrong. I've lived my life practically alone, surpassing my peers, my parents, the adults around me, my teachers…maybe it's only natural that I become infatuated with the only person I've ever known that can keep up with me. Only natural that I wish to spend time with you, to think about you, to care about what you think of me (which is, as you always say, a murderer)…
…only natural that I should never want these shackles to leave my arm.
You know, Ryuuzaki…L…It's hard to be chained to an paranoid detective, especially when you're in love with him.
Because you are paranoid, and I suppose it's only right, considering that there are people, like Yotsuba, like Kira, who want to kill you with a passion. Paranoia has kept you locked away in rooms for your entire life, and while that's probably the only reason your alive today…don't you feel like it's a prison, sometimes? You, whoever you really are, are caged by L, the bars of his persona.
If I'm Kira, which you undoubtedly believe, then…it's obvious that you wouldn't want me locked in that room with you. The room is your safe spot, and outside of it, you are a letter, but inside you are you, and if Kira…if I -if anyone was ever allowed inside…you would surely be killed.
I like to tell myself this is why you don't care; because you can't afford to care. I wish you could, but you can't, because then you wouldn't be L anymore, you'd be naked without this assumed identity. Stripped bare of the aliases and left exposed and raw before Kira. And if that were to happen you would surely die. Which I've already said I don't want to happen. Not that you believe that in the least.
'Wishes are for dreamers'…it's a quote I heard a long time ago. I've been called a dreamer before. I've stared out the window during class, daydreaming, wishing the world was a better place and vowing optimistically to do everything I can to make it better…You once said Kira was an idealistic child. You said that's what I was too, and I guess that's right. I wish for things sometimes, like…
I really wish you'd stop staring, because it's not for the reason I want it to be.
But you never stop gazing at me. You never give me a second alone, to think, to straighten things out in my mind, which I admit is becoming jumbled with emotions and mucked with confusion. It's so hard to think with you there, sitting only feet away from me, glaring at me like you are.
It makes me what to punch you. Sometimes I do. Especially when you spout the same old platitudes about how I must be Kira. How you're sure I'm Kira. Or at least, how I used to be him. I want to hate you, loathe you for saying those things so easily, so I shout 'I hate you!' as loud as I can, to get it through my head, hoping my heart will take a damn hint.
Later on, I apologize. I'm not sure why I do, though, because you never say anything to hint that it's hurt you in any way. Of course you don't, because it doesn't. You don't sulk or ignore me. But I feel like I have to say it anyway, and you always just look at me, nod, and then look away again.
Which is alright, because you don't really care anyway.
And it really is better if I say I hate you, because if I don't, I'll probably fall in love with you.
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Woo. This is done! --' A little longer than the first one.
As you might be able to tell, there are some obvious paralells to L's POV. It's a bit said, that they're both in love which each other, or at least falling in love…and they think the other doesn't care about them. Well, this is the end of that. I wanted to do something that was like reciprocated unrequited love. :P I'm happy about the feedback Illumination got.
Could I get some reviews for this too, please? -puppy dog eyes -
Nilah