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So Close... And Yet So Far

Epilogue: Staring Down the Sun

The sunrise crept over the horizon like honey dripping from a comb.  The warm golden rays embraced the rooftops with their viscous light.  Hilde sighed languorously before dropping the lace curtain of their honeymoon suite.  She turned to look at Duo's sleeping form, draped over the queen-sized bed.  His unbound hair was strewn haphazardly across his bare back like maple syrup running down in golden brown rivulets.  She grinned at the thought, and realized the imagery must be coming from her empty stomach.  It seemed the couple had different ways of compensating after such an intense 'workout'. She ran a delicate fingertip along his cheek, down to his shoulder and traced the side of his ribcage until he woke with a snort. 

"Morning?" he mumbled turning his head in her direction.

"Morning," she confirmed and bent down to kiss his forehead.  "I'm gonna order some breakfast."

"Mmm…breakfast," he smiled before sitting up and stretching.  He wrapped an arm around her bare shoulders and nuzzled her neck.  "Did you sleep at all?"

"A little," she confessed, "but I got up a little before dawn to watch the sunrise." He rubbed his eyes.

"Why didn't you wake me up?"  She grinned at him and tapped his chest lightly.

"I didn't have the heart. You were snoring." An indignant expression passed across his features.

"I don't snore."

"Whatever you say, honey." She tweaked his nose. Her eyes brightened. "Speaking of which, I'm in the mood for some toast with honey," she exclaimed before he could say another word. Whatever had been on the tip of his tongue was forgotten at the mention of food.

"Toast?  I could go for a stack of pancakes a mile high right now.  I'm starving!" He leaned back against the cherry oak headboard with his hand clasped behind his head as she dialed room service and made the order. He watched as she cradled the phone against her shoulder to flip through the menu and couldn't resist extending a hand to caress the smooth curve of her neck that was exposed to him.  She leaned into his hand as she hung up, and flung the menu aside.

"I'm so glad we decided to elope," he commented as he pulled her into his arms.  She leaned back against his chest and clasped his hand in her own.

"Oh?" She craned her head back to look at him. He bent down to kiss her deeply before continuing. 

"I can't imagine having had to wait three more months to have this honeymoon."  She shifted against him, pulling his arms tighter around her.

"I know what you mean," she sighed, "but still, I feel bad about leaving everyone else out of it."

"I don't think anybody was really in the mood for a wedding right now," Duo replied. "Well, maybe Quatre.  He probably would've wanted to pay for it or something."

"Did you tell him about it?" Duo paused and leaned his head against hers.  When his silence seemed too extended she pulled back to look at him. "Duo?"

"He's got a lot on his mind right now.  Heero's been staying at his house since…well, for the past three months." His tone was soft and serious.

"Is he going to be ok?"

"I dunno. I hope so.  Quatre's sister is supposed to be the best in the business." He furrowed his brow.

"Quatre's lucky to have a psychiatrist in the family," she replied pensively.

"Yeah well, with 29 sisters one of 'em is bound to be useful." He grinned, trying to lighten the mood.  She could see through all his tricks now though, and didn't take the bait in changing the subject.

"Did you want to go visit him?"  He loosened his embrace around her and leaned back.

"I don't know. Dorothy's there, keeping an eye on him.  She says she owes it to Relena to look out for him.  I personally think she has a thing for Quatre."  He half-smiled at Hilde, who only looked back at him wordlessly, waiting for him to continue.  "I don't think he wants to see me." 

"Duo, you know what happened at the hospital was just—"

"Yeah, I know he didn't mean it.  But I can't see him. Not yet at least.  Maybe when he's better." She crawled out of his lap and reached for the phone again. "Who are you calling?"

"Quatre.  We should tell him about our wedding, and we can ask about Heero, too."

"I dunno, Hil—" She shoved the phone in his ear.

"It's ringing," she whispered.

"Winner residence."

"Hey Quatre."

"Oh! Duo, it's been a while.  How are you?"

"Oh, you know…" he hesitated.  Hilde gestured impatiently for him to continue. "I hear you've got a full house down there."

"Oh? Ohhh yes, actually, Trowa stopped by today to see Heero, but I'm afraid he's…busy.  So, Trowa has been spending the afternoon with Miss Dorothy."  Quatre didn't seem very pleased as he said this.  Making fun would have been too easy, so Duo let it pass.  Instead he cleared his throat and asked the question that had been on the tip of his tongue.

"So…how is…he?" Hilde rolled her eyes at him and flopped back on the bed.  Duo frowned at her and shrugged his shoulders, asking wordlessly what else she wanted from him. 

"He's much better," Duo could hear the smile in Quatre's voice.

"Better, huh? Back to normal?"

"No," he intoned, "better than normal. You should really come down and see him, Duo." A knock at the door startled Duo, who had been deeply engrossed in the conversation.  He looked quizzically at Hilde, who gave him her own 'what's wrong with you?' look, before whispering "room service" and going to answer the door. "Yeah, maybe I will." He watched as Hilde pushed in a cart of heavenly breakfast food.  "Listen Quatre, room service is here, so I gotta go."

"Room service?" came Quatre's puzzled reply from the other end of the line.

"Yeah," Duo said, as if it should have been obvious. "Oh! Yeah, I'm at a hotel," he added once he realized his mistake, "with Hilde.  We're in a suite.  The honeymoon suite actually."

"Ok." Quatre still seemed slightly puzzled. "Oh honeymoon! Duo! Congratulations! When did you—"

"Last night.  We're on L2.  We got hitched at the new Maxwell Church."

"Well that's great! Why didn't you tell me beforehand? What hotel are you staying at? I know a lot of really nice spots on L2.  Just let me make some phone calls and I can get you a—"

"No, Quatre, that's okay, really. Me and Hil wanted to keep it simple. We're at a nice place. It's classy, just more cozy than what you have in mind I think."  He looked around the room proudly as Hilde twirled a fork in his face.  "OK. Now I really have to go, Quat. Feel free to spread the news. I'll catch ya later, bro."

"Goodbye, Duo.  And kiss the bride for me."

"You bet I will," he grinned, before hanging up.

Quatre smiled softly to himself as he stood thoughtfully by the old-fashioned mother-of-pearl rotary phone.  Married. At least something good came out of this mess.  Heero would be pleased to hear about his friends' happiness, he was sure.  He'd have to tell him once his session was done.

************************

The woman who sat behind the desk facing Heero was almost pretty, he surmised.  She had blonde hair and blue eyes, and he wondered, if it were not for those features that reminded him of Relena, whether he would still consider her so. He supposed that her possessing enough of Quatre's open expression and Relena's familiar features made it easier to talk to her.  She watched him patiently with her warm eyes.

"I think it's time to talk about what happened that day.  Do you think you can?"

That day.  The day she was shot.  The day he went crazy. That day.

There were still parts that hurt when he thought about them, but it was easier to remember now, to examine the emotions behind his actions.

Heero felt as if the air had turned into a viscous fluid, making his movements seem slow and his mind feel clouded.  His breaths were shallow and the voices around him seemed muffled.  He could decipher enough from his surroundings to know he was in a hospital waiting room. The trip to get there was a blur; the sirens of the ambulance sounded like echoes from afar and the lights had blinked hazily, so he had not recognized them for what they were. 

The fluorescent lights flickered dully above him, strengthening the illusion of the thick gray liquid around him. His heart was pounding within him. Pounding. Pounding. Pounding. When his head hit the wall behind him, he realized the pounding was coming from Zechs' fists. The other occupants of the room finally restrained the angry prince and Heero, his mind somewhat clearer than before, noted the approach of a doctor. The doctor began to speak slowly and deliberately, but Heero's attention wandered.  He observed Dorothy clutching Quatre's arm tightly, and wondered absently if the blond pilot could feel her fingernails through his sleeve.  His gaze finally wandered back to the surgeon and he grasped at the string of words coming out of the doctor's mouth.

"…Lost a lot of blood.  We haven't examined the extent of the organ damage as of yet, but that will determine her chances for survival.  We'll inform you as soon as we have a better picture." He hesitated before continuing, his eyes sweeping the room.  "We also noticed some severe bruising on her upper arms and neck.  They look to be about two days old, maybe less." Everyone's attention turned to Heero then. He could feel their eyes burning accusations into him. He had to look away, his sight falling upon his bloodied hands, examining the way the maroon liquid had seeped into every crack and crevice, trying to brand itself there, so his guilt would be evident to everyone. 'This is what happens when you get too close' the soldier in him whispered.

A hand clasped his shoulder and he recoiled violently, shoving a startled Duo to the linoleum floor, where he slid until he hit the opposite wall. Duo looked up at him, hurt evident in his wide violet eyes.

"Don't. Touch. Me." The words came out as a warning growl, betraying none of the desperate fear in his thoughts. He would end up hurting everyone he was close to.  His mind warred with him. How could he protect them without getting close? And he remembered Relena again.  He had been so close then, right outside the door. Still, he hadn't been able to save her. So close…and yet so far. He snickered through the sobs he wasn't aware he'd been producing.  His haunting laughter echoed through the sterile hospital halls.  He couldn't remember when it finally stopped.

But it had. When he woke, he'd found himself strapped to a bed, looking up at this woman who reminded him so much of Relena, it pained him to look at her.  He had felt enormous guilt, which now that he thought about it, was completely illogical.  He had not pulled the trigger that day.  What he felt presently was regret. Regret that he had not acted more quickly. Regret that he had not said everything he wanted to say.  But what would he have said?

"She told me she loved me."

"How did that make you feel?"

"I don't know. Confused.  Did I love her, too?  Was that the reason I felt so out of control around her?  If I loved her then, does that mean I still love her?"

"Do you?"

"I don't know.  I still haven't figured out what love is.  I was attracted to her. I tried to kiss her.  That's not the same, is it?"

"Not necessarily. Love is a very complex emotion.  Nobody really has a definition for it."  No definition? Did such a thing exist? An idea that could not be put into words.  And that was exactly what his feelings regarding Relena were: indefinable. Still, his mind needed to make some sense out of them, needed to categorize them so he could judge them properly.

"What do you think it is? In your opinion, what is love?" She looked at him with Quatre's eyes; hesitant, yet compassionate.

"Love is different for everyone," she began, then paused and thought better of it.  She leaned forward over her desk, elbows resting firmly on the surface of it. "In my opinion, above all other attributes of love are mutual respect and understanding.  The ability to know how another person feels without needing to talk and knowing what they need without their having to ask." She tilted her head to regard his reaction.  He looked back at her pensively, trying to determine whether his feelings fit under these criteria.  He did respect Relena, and he understood all her reasons for the things she did, but did he know what she needed? He didn't even know she loved him until she actually told him.  Then again, maybe he did know, but was unwilling to admit that someone could feel something like that for him, that she could feel something like that for him

"Heero?" The doctor's voice interrupted his musings. "This is our last session and our time is almost up. Is there anything else you want to discuss?"  His thoughts left Relena and now turned back to himself.  Was that it? Three months of therapy had brought him to this moment.  Was he content with himself yet?  Could he make it on his own in the real world, with real people? He hadn't felt so uncertain about anything in his life, and he realized this was his answer.  He finally felt human, normal.  He looked into her calm blue eyes with a gaze free of any obstruction, light and clear.

"I—no, there's nothing I need to say. Except," he paused, weighing his words. "Thank you, Nora."  He stood up and she mirrored his action, smiling softly. He turned to leave but hesitated, looking back at her before finally stepping up to her desk and extending his hand.  Her smile broadened as she shook it warmly.

"Good luck, Heero.  I hope you find happiness."

*************

Hesitation was paralyzing, Quatre decided as he watched Trowa and Dorothy conversing quietly on the other end of the veranda.  Should he go and join them? It looked like they were deep in conversation… a little too deep perhaps?  And here lay his dilemma.  Were his reasons for interrupting them rooted in jealousy? It would be wrong of him to go over if that were his motivation.  But then, he had no one else to talk to, and they were his guests, so it would be perfectly understandable.  His golden brows furrowed; he was really over-thinking this. So what if his feelings went a little further than friendship for—but that wasn't the point.  He should just go over and keep some pleasant company.  As he moved to go to them, a voice startled him.

"That's something I didn't expect."  Quatre turned to see Heero standing behind him. Quatre gave him an innocent look.

"What?"

"I mean Trowa and Dorothy Catalonia. I thought she hated him."  Quatre smiled slightly, before replying.

"The war is over, Dorothy has changed quite a bit.  I think she's realized how much they have in common."  Heero digested this statement thoughtfully.

"Do people need to have a lot in common to love each other?" Quatre looked back sharply.

"Love?"

"Yeah. Can two people who are very different really love each other?"  Quatre scanned Heero's face pensively, trying to understand the underlying question in his words.  He was feeling rather defensive all of a sudden.

"I think real love doesn't have to rely on similarity of temperament.  Two people in love compensate for each other until they're two people making up one complete whole." His gaze turned to the couple standing but a few feet away.  "Your strengths are found in their weaknesses and their strengths in your weaknesses.  You're so intertwined that sometimes it's hard to tell whose traits are whose, where you end and they begin. It's always give and take." He trailed off softly. He looked up shaking himself out of his wandering thoughts. "Sorry, Heero, I just sort of started rambling.  What brought that question on anyway?" Heero looked him in the eye, dark blue uncertainty meeting Quatre's ocean blue concern, but his reply was interrupted by the sound of a car engine rumbling into the long drive surrounding the grounds. "Oh! They're here."

Heero stood frozen at his spot on the veranda, watching the limo pull to a stop. A soft breeze ruffled his hair and sunlight filtered in and out of the drifting clouds, intermittently illuminating and shadowing his motionless figure.  The sound of braking tires caught the attention of the other two guests and they looked up, turning to walk toward the vehicle. The large door opened revealing the boot-clad foot of one Chang Wufei, dressed impeccably in his Preventer uniform.  The driver's door opened as well, and Sally Po stepped out from behind it.  She waved as Quatre, Dorothy and Trowa approached. 

As expectantly as Wufei held the passenger door open, so did Heero hold his breath.  He couldn't move, not until he saw the pale leg he'd once removed a knee-high boot from extend out to the ground.  Those graceful feet were now encased in delicate white sandals, the knees covered with the soft ruffle of a pale blue skirt.  A slender hand reached out to Wufei's browned one, and as a golden head rose out of the vehicle, Heero felt his chest collapse with his released breath.

She was here.

And she was blinding.

His feet moved of their own accord, Heero's only conscious thoughts directed at the sight she made, healthy, beautiful…alive. She smiled at Quatre and Heero's heart skipped a beat.  She finally looked around and spotted him striding purposefully toward her.  Her own body moved to meet him, eyes twinkling, cheeks blossoming with warmth.

"Hello Heero," she said softly, trying to keep the smile on her face from extending too far. "How are you?"

"I'm…fine," Heero stumbled over the words, his mouth suddenly dry and his mind blank of all the things he'd wanted to tell her, to ask her.  Her delicate fingers weaved through his and he tensed at the sensation.  This was real. She was real.  His fingers grasped hers back firmly as she led them down the drive, away from the others. 

"I'm sorry I couldn't come see you earlier.  My wound is finally healed, still a little tight but that doesn't stop people from expecting me to get things done." Her free hand went to touch her side, and Heero had to stop his own hand from following. "It's so frustrating how I have to worry about everyone else in the world before I can worry about those I…care about. I've just been to see Milliardo and Lucrezia and their new baby.  They had a girl, you know, who I'm sure Millie is going to spoil to bits." She smiled broadly, taking his other hand and turning to face him. "You look so different," she sighed softly, tracing his features with her aqua eyes. "And you didn't answer my question. How are you?"

At this, the warmth in her eyes, the concern in her features, the closeness of her body, he spoke.

"Fine," he repeated, "better.  You're right.  I am different.  I feel different." He paused, "I'm in love."  She started noticeably at this, looking into his eyes, scanning for something more.

"Who?" she whispered, so softly it was more a gust of air through her pursed lips than a spoken word.  He cocked his head, trying to gauge her expression.

"She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.  Not just physically, but inherently.  Some times I feel like I know her so well, and other times like I've only discovered one layer of the mystery that she is.  I can't breathe sometimes when I think of her.  I never knew what it meant, to have these thoughts about someone, but I understand now."  He stared down into her eyes, his own burning as blue as a newly born star. "I love her."

Relena's hands were trembling inside his own, her expression unreadable. 

"Does she love you back?" Her voice wavered, straining against something.  His gaze still locked on hers he replied.

"Yes.  I think so."  She threw her arms around his waist, her face muffled against his chest.

"I'm so happy for you, Heero.  I'm so glad you're finally happy."  Heero's gaze dropped to the crown of her honey hair, as she turned it to the side, still pressed against his chest.  "Am I going to meet her?"  Heero pulled her up to look at her in surprise.

"Meet who?"

"Quatre's sister. She's the one right?  Everyone tells me how wonderful she is." Her nose was slightly red and her eyes suspiciously bright through her polite smile.

"Relena," he stared at her incredulously, "what are you talking about?"  Her smile faltered.

"You don't want me to meet her."  Heero's head spun with the ridiculousness of it all. Maybe he wasn't clear. He'd never been good at communicating his emotions, and even though he'd learned so much these past few months he was uncertain that it was enough.  If words couldn't do it, he'd have to find another way.  He grasped her shoulder with one hand, bringing the other to her jaw line as he leaned down and kissed her firmly on the mouth. She seemed surprised at first but she finally caught on, breaking away to look at him.

"I—but—you..." It seemed as though Relena wasn't any better with words than he was, but she giggled and embraced him again, her face buried in the crook of his shoulder as the tears that had brightened her eyes just moments before came tumbling down in relief.  When she pulled away this time he was smiling.

"You have beautiful teeth, Heero. I've never seen you smile that way before," her voice filled with happy wonder.

"I was saving it for you," he replied, his smile softening. "I've been saving this, too."

And he kissed her again.

This was love…bringer of happiness and sorrow, and fear and courage, life and death. Infinite and changeable like the universe itself: no form, no void, no category, no shelf or label. It was to be and they were in some way, in every way, to be of it.

THE END

(last paragraph written by coley merrin in an essay on love)

AN: that's it guys… the end of this fic… never thought I'd live to see the day… but how could I do it without all your encouragement…?  So here are my thanx to all those who ever reviewed this fic.

First, to those people who liked it from its inception, I look back on what I wrote then and cringe..but you guys liked it enough to review way in its immature beginning. So thank you:

Tomorrow, Sliver Dreamcatcher, Insane Pineapple, September Violets, Draven Diabella, Chibi Reli, LittlePet, mama-sama, angelic1090, Airurando, Tenoko, LadySaturn2, Dionysos, Shadow Reader, Baby, Responsible Reader, ~sweetangel~, Foole, JK, Meatballhead120, AznxAngel, and sorrow… you guys really made me feel like this story was worth writing…

To my comrades, who I've met through ML's and by reading their own excellent fics, you guys offered me the encouragement and insight to make this fic worth over a hundred reviews. I bow humbly in thanx to you:

KMF (my guru), Moonk (my cheerleader), Zap (my kindred spirit), Loyce (my hentai goddess), Smartycat (my beloved imouto-chan), Raine (my queen of angst), KaT (my heartwarmer), and Chibi Cat (my insane fan)

…you guys rock!

And everyone else who's kept reviewing, especially those who came back for more, you guys really make me feel appreciated. Thank you from the bottom of my heart:

Ebony, Cynthia, ka-chan, angel blueflame, Winnie2, TEF, Jaxie, aga_xris, ^.^Cat, Destinys Serenade, Jem Star, Crystal, Lindsay, @(^^)@, Koneko-chan2, AngeloflightPd, trikster, karaimo, Rhiannonn, mya, MaraLaeh Lynn, apol, sweet_angel, Tyson Janetzki, Silent Sensei, zero, Valerian, pokey, Empress Sarah-sama, S. Wing, ?, deathangel, Star Pheonix, sai, The Fic Critic, BrittanyRae, Joy, dee, Maxine-chan, herina, Tansy, Neo G-Pilot, leslie, LSR_7, Dark Mistress, Peanutbutter1, and AyanamiChan!!

Just your sheer number is enough to make my heart swell… this fic is dedicated to all of you… I hope you enjoyed it!