Episode 112 – Screw You Inc.
Why in god's name did I join this army? First, Master Chief basically carries the UNSC and destroys the Covenant army. Then, I get stuck in that goddamn box canyon called Blood Gulch. Then, I crash land in this new box canyon with everyone I hate most in the world. And now, a Covenant Phantom crash lands not 20 yards from Blue base carrying GOD KNOWS WHAT!!
I don't know why I joined this army, but I sure as hell know how to conduct myself in it. Cardinal rule when shit goes down-Duck and cover. As soon as I saw that fuckin ship in the sky I told everyone to find cover. Hopefully, that might minimize casualties to the people I hate most...Simmons maybe.
No one was hurt (fuck). The Phantom crashed around the same spot our Pelican landed when we got here. No shrapnel impaled anyone. No explosion burned anyone. No impact of any kind hit anyone. God. Damn. It.
I was the first to get back up. Tucker and Caboose stayed on the ground.
"It's safe you guys," I assured them. "It didn't hit us."
"Are you sure?" Caboose asked. "Because I can clearly see a white light."
"That's your suit's flashlight dumbass." Tucker told him. "You tried signaling S.O.S. and realized you couldn't do Morse code; and you were facing the floor; and it was daylight."
"Are you sure? I heard an angel while I was dead. He said 'everybody hit the deck'."
"That was me! Two fucking minutes ago!" I almost regretted promoting him to Loot at that moment, but then I considered the options. Seeing Caboose give orders to Simmons and Tucker…well, it's…it's great…it's really great. I dropped the issue of a confused Caboose (we'll probably come back to that later) in favor of a much more sane idea.
"I think we should inspect the wreckage." I said it was more sane than arguing with Caboose. I didn't say it was completely sane.
"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Tucker yelled to me. "You want to inspect that thing? That's like asking Donut to produce evidence of a girlfriend of any kind. It can't and won't be done!" Ah, Tucker. So quick with the laziness and the sarcasm.
"Fine cockbite, I'll leave you here. Caboose, you coming?"
"Are you sure you want me for this?"
"You're my second in command! You're coming with me!" Caboose shrunk back a bit when I yelled. I felt a bit of regret for that.
"Hey," Andy said in my head. "I'm actually with the dumb one on this. I haven't had the best luck with crashed ships."
"Shut up, bomb boy. I'm goin, so you're goin."
"But what about the people in the Phantom?" Sheila piped up. "It's a Covenant vehicle. The pilot and crew can't be good if that's their transport."
"All of you. Shut up. Follow me. Now."
"But-"
"No buts Tucker, follow me. Dumbass." Tucker sighed and we started walking towards the purple wreckage. I do not have a good feeling about this.
--
"Uhhh…what the hell happened?" The Zealot groaned. "Where are we?"
"Do you want the short version or the long version?" O'Malley asked.
"Long."
"An explosion went off. You probably got a concussion, and then we crashed landed in this canyon."
"That's the long version? Really?"
"If you picked the short version he was going to say 'you fucked up'." Gary explained.
"Quiet, you fool."
"How's the crew?" The Zealot asked. He looked around the cabin. Sadly, all the Grunts on board were laying on the floor, seemingly unconscious.
"They're all dead." Kapyal answered. "I will miss them dearly."
"Sorry about them."
"Much appreciated." Kapyal seemed to be shaping up to be the most decent being the Zealot had ever met before. He liked that.
"Alright, let's find a way out of here."
--
"Well, it looks like we've left the desert behind us." Tex was now treading upon grass laden ground. Medicant Bias had led her away from the desert and she was now in a lush grassy landscape. It wasn't quite a forest, but there were still trees all around.
"This forest was the newest of the piece of the Ark." The AI explained. "The desert we just left once was a beautiful place, but because of my treachery, it was left to rot. They created this forest as the new safe haven for any travelers or survivors after the firing of the Halo rings. It provides shelter and food for any species that were to inhabit it."
Tex slowed her walk as she approached a large cliff. The river she had been following turned into a waterfall at the edge and fell over to the canyon below. Tex looked over the cliff.
"Hey, what's that?" She asked.
"Now this is news to me. I remember watching the Forerunners build this canyon. The pyres on either side are stasis sustaining pillars that help keep the force field protecting the Ark from debris caused by the Halo rings firing up. They seem to have been converted to military posts. The transports on the snow falls seem newly arrived as well."
"The big one's a Pelican dropship, UNSC classification. I think the other one's Covenant class."
"Life signs detected!" Medicant suddenly barked. "Initial scans indicate approximately 12 heat signals."
"Can you get a lock on them?"
"Negative; not from this height. Update: life signs show signal tags of SPARTAN armor. Should I hack into the UNSC mainframe to acquire records of certification IDs?"
"Do I need to answer?"
"I started before I asked. Tags acquired."
"What are they doing?" Tex asked herself, ignoring Medicant briefly. She had caught sight of three soldiers walking over to the debris of the fallen Phantom dropship. The one in front held a sniper rifle in his hands, which he aimed at the back door of the Phantom.
"No. No, it can't be. That's impossible." Tex began to remember things about her previous adventures she'd rather forget.
"May I ask what the problem is?" Medicant asked, breaking Tex's hypnotic stare.
"I bet you twenty bucks I can tell you who those soldiers are before you can tell me."
"Try me."
--
"Whoever that is, come out now." God, I hope this works. Caboose and Tucker stood behind me at the moment and I had my sniper sights trained on the shield door of the Phantom. Whoever was in there, if they came out, would be met by my gun in their face. Yeah! That is, if this fucking this would shoot right! It's not me, I swear.
"Listen to the dumbass with the gun!" Tucker said.
"Come out come out where ever you are!" Caboose added.
--
"Wait," O'Malley told the Zealot. "Those voices sound familiar."
I know, right?" Gary added. "I just can't quite place where I've heard them before."
"Well," The Zealot shrugged. "we'll see in a minute." He raised his shotgun and readied his leg to kick the back door open. Kapyal was shaking as he pulled up his Energy pistol and aimed it at the door. The Zealot's foot went up and connected with the door.
--
The back door of the Phantom burst off the hinges of the ship. I almost fired a round or two when it did. There was a whole lotta smoke still in the cabin that came pouring out when the steel door fell to the ground. I couldn't see who was inside at the moment.
"I have a gun on whoever just did that!" I yelled. "Put your hands up before I start firing blindly into the smoke motherfucker!"
"Hey, what's going on?" It was Sarge. Apparently, his attention had been grabbed by the ship as well and he made the rest of Blood Gulch squadron follow him to the wreckage.
"Oh good, Lopez tell me if you see any heat signatures in the smoke." The robot had walked up to my side at the same moment Sarge had.
"Life signs detected." He said.
"How many?" Grif asked.
"Why do you of all people want to know?" Simmons asked him.
"So I know how many to run away from, duh."
"Maybe they're friendly!" Donut wondered aloud.
Doc and Sister stayed quiet at the moment, just holding each other in their arms. How can Doc get a girl like Sister, but Tex fucking hated me? I don't think I'll ever know.
"Shut the fuck up!" I told them. "All of you! I hear another word from any of you, I will fucking kill you all right now! Now Lopez, how many life signs!"
"Approximately two, but my speech recognition system is picking up four voices from inside."
"Well then that's gotta be busted," Sarge said. "Just let me take a look at that for you."
"Sarge," I said. "If you even think about touching Lopez, so help me god I will shove this Sniper Rifle so far up your ass, your spits will be fifty caliber." Sarge shut up after that.
"Hello?" asked a voice from the smoke. "Who's there? We need help."
"Fuck yeah you do!" I said. Geez, I gotta lay up on the cursing. My blood pressure may go overboard.
"Everyone calm down, we have no evil or otherwise diabolical intentions here…yet, absolutely no plans to kill you all and take control of this place, none at all." What a warm wel- wait a minute…I know that voice.
"We come in peace! By the flag we do!" By the flag? What the fuck?
"We're telling the truth! For once!" Gary!? Was that Gary!?
The smoke began to clear and we were astonished as before us stood the Red Zealot from Battle Creek Canyon. Beside that flag-worshipping numbskull stood a little Covenant Grunt, which I recognized from my days at the Academy. I could only guess that the other two voices were coming from the Zealot's helmet.
"Hey! It's that guy!" Caboose yelped with glee. Why? I don't know. Last time we saw the Zealot, he was trying to kill us under O'Malley's orders.
"Shut up Caboose!" I said. "Don't you recognize the other voices? The Zealot has O'Malley and Gary in his helmet."
"What!?" Andy suddenly screamed in my ear.
"Jesus H. Christ Andy, that fucking hurt!"
"Sorry, but if those two are here, that means I didn't destroy them, which means my exploding did nothing, which hurts my ego." What a moron.
"Blast!" O'Malley yelled. "It's those fools from the other canyon! What are they doing here? Here to ruin my plans for world domination again you worthless twits?"
"Yeah pretty much." I cocked back the bolt on my rifle and aimed at the Zealot's head.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell man!? Kapyal and me don't want to hurt you guys! That's just O'Malley!"
"You traitorous buffoon!" O'Malley shouted. "As my minion, all my goals are yours as well. You should want to tear their throats out and conquer the universe!"
"Shut up!" Kapyal yelled.
"Yeah!" Grif added.
"Stay out of this!" Gary said. It wasn't long before the canyon's inhabitants were enveloped in a hateful rave of anger and arguments. I did the best I could to keep my head from exploding. Allow me a moment of mental zen. Bullet in Tucker's head…Bullet in Tucker's head…Bullets in Tucker's head...Well, I feel a little better.
And then Tucker speaks again. Ugh…
--
Tex had her sniper's sights trained on one particular individual in the crowd. Medicant Bias whispered in her ear.
"Wind stabilized, Sights acquired, Target in range, fire at will."
"Are you sure you were just an operational AI?" Tex asked.
"You'd be surprised how much can be learned from a single UNSC computer terminal."
"I can imagine." Tex tightened her grip on the rifle's handle. "Here we go" Her sights readied, and the wind stopped, Tex squeezed her finger, and pulled the trigger.
A shot rang out.
END OF SEASON 1
THE BLOOD GULCH BOYS WILL RETURN IN SEASON 2 OF RVB: THE VALHALLA CHRONICLES!
STAY TUNED!!!!