Disclaimer: I Do not own, please don't sue. I can't pay anyone, and I can barely pay attention.

Summary: Drake types an email to Josh and hits delete as he always does (or so he thinks). D/J Slash (what else right). 3 chapter story. Chapter 1 is the Drake chapter, chapter 2 is the Josh chapter and chapter 3… well you'll see.

Rated T

A/N: Here's a little something I conjured up while listening to some music (you might know I am a music addict by now). Anyway the song Nobody Knows (it but me) came on and I thought oh fic time even though the lyrics really have nothing to do with the fic (except perhaps the way Drake was feeling when he wrote the letter) if you know the song you'll know what I'm talking about. Hope you enjoy. And now, on to the boys…(BTW, the e-mail is in italics but I'm sure you knew that). I tried to fix any mistakes, hope I caught them all. If not, I apologize.

----

Nobody Knows But Me

"So, I miss you. So I still need you. I don't even care anymore. You thought I was actually happy to see you go? To go start a new life without me in it. How can I be happy about that? Sure you thought I was happy, they all thought I was happy. I should totally go into acting. I was very convincing wasn't I?

Think about it though. Think of all we've done and been through together. Do you really think I could let you go like that? I mean really? Do you not know me at all?

Everybody thinks I'm so happy for you. You think I'm so happy for you. You know why? Because I let you. Because I want you to. Deep down inside I want you to feel guilty for going and come back, but of course that will never happen. I want you to feel so many things, but you won't. I mean seriously if you haven't already then it's apparent that you won't ever. So I sit here and write this to you as I do often.

You did just get an email from me though, you know the one "the concert was great the crowd was wilder than the last one, blah blah, blah" the one I actually sent you. This one is the one I type and never send. I always wonder how you would respond to this. I'll never find out though because I'll always delete it. I could never send it to you. You must never know the way I feel inside… deep down inside in a place nobody would understand.

I had a dream once did I tell you? Of course not. I had a dream you were home and it involved the bed and well let's just say it was a very vivid dream, which made me very curious as to how the reality would be. It made me smile every time I thought about it. Nobody noticed though because I always act happy. I don't want to be questioned. I mean do you know what they would think or say if they knew. They would die… yes die. I would actually be the cause of death of our parents. They can so never know, then again, neither can you.

I can get over this and one day I will I'm sure. I mean you can't really love one person your entire life can you, especially when that one person doesn't even know? You actually probably know the answer to that question don't you? You know so much and you're learning even more every day. Yes, you know so much yet so very little, very little about the person who shared your life the past few years. To that, you are clueless, but then again, I'm glad.

You were always so naïve. Even after all the crap that happened to us you still saw an innocence in this world. I have no idea why either. Trust me, the world is not innocent. If it were, I wouldn't feel like this.

Do you know that I actually sleep in your bed sometimes? I know you don't. Nobody knows. Nobody but me. I'm the only one who knows any of this. I'm the only one who knows how much I miss you, how much I need you, how much I want you, and how much I love you.

No. Nobody but me knows that I feel like crying but refuse to show a weakness to something that will never happen. Nobody knows this. Nobody, but me. I know it all. I feel it all. Nobody knows, not even you, and you never will. You don't see it. I wish you could in a way so I could know what you think of it, but then again I probably wouldn't want to.

I wonder what people would say if they knew what I thought. If they knew that when I look at the door in our room that I wish that when we were fighting the time that you pushed me into it and pinned my arms beside my head that the best thing that could have happened is when you looked at me breathless and sweaty (I know it was just from fighting, but still) that you would have kissed me. That would have been insane. That's why I smiled when you did that, to which made me laugh because I couldn't let you find out, and then you laughed and that ended the fight.

Do you even know why I wanted to fight with you so much? Well I guess you have figured it out by now huh? Only you really haven't because you won't actually get to read this.

Yeah, so I guess enough confessing for the night, it is like 2 am and I actually fell asleep writing this and now I can't even see. Everything is blurry. So I'm off to delete and go to bed.

One more thing, even though I'm glad nobody else knows… I'm glad I do."

--

Through blurry vision and dozing off Drake clicks the button hoping and praying he got the right one because the delete and send were next to each other. He knows he shouldn't do this so tired because he has had many near misses but when he's this tired is when he wants to get it out. It is almost like he is drunk or high, like his inhibitions were gone. He was afraid that if Josh ever called him when he was like this he would probably tell him so it made him glad Josh was never up this late.

---------------------------------

Chapter 2 on the way.