Hygiene high-jinks

By Lindsay N. Smith (AKA: Lnzy1, Neko, or Transformergirl depending on where I am)

Warning: If you have not read Vaeru's fanfic, Juxtaposition (Seriously, who hasn't read this yet?) or Cafei's JUX fancomics (can be found over at Devianrtart dot com) you will not understand any of this and it will likely result in confusion and irreversible brain damage. You have been warned.

(Diclaimer): I do not own nor claim to own neither the Character Cafei (c) Cafei nor Evelyn (c) Vaeru/Mythical-Darkener. Or Transformers (c) Has/Tak. I am merely borrowing them and will return them when I am through. They may be a little waterlogged when you guys get them back, though. XD

Notes: This is a gift fic for Cafei because school seemed to have rammed her into the ground and I wanted to cheer her up. The basic skeleton of this started off as a scrapped idea for the JUX fanfic contest and I found it the other day on my flash drive and then modified it for this purpose. This fic was inspired by several things: 1) a conversation a friend and I had a long time ago when she offered me a pair of her old jeans. 2) Whiskey flavored sunflower seeds (yum yum). 4) A pool party I went too a few years ago 5) And the general JUX fanbase as a whole. We are a strange bunch, we are. A fanfic of a fan-comic of a fanfic. Kinda makes your head hurt, huh?

I also blame Ajremix for this. Her recent JUX fic gave me a great creative boost. D

Onto the fic!

Act One

Evelyn was immersed in her work as she rhythmically dunked, scrubbed, and wringed her extra pair of slacks before repeating the process over and over until she was satisfied that she had sufficiently abused the fabric enough for one day. Her constant struggle to maintain as much of a hygienic living as she could given her abnormal circumstances had resulted in her new found appreciation for domestic technology. The only upside that she could see (If you can call it that, she thought.) from having to do her laundry by hand was she now had considerable more muscle in her arms then before.

As she laid her slacks on floor to dry next to her blouse and socks that had yet to be washed, Evelyn glanced over at the darker haired human sitting a few feet away. Cafei's attention was engrossed in a small stack of synthesized paper squares Wheeljack had cut down from the giant sheet for their use. Littered around her were what appeared to be failed attempts at origami, some random doodles, and some paper airplanes. Evelyn ignored those. Instead, her attention was directed at the clothes on the girl's back. Cafei had never actually washed her clothes since coming aboard. Evelyn's inner clean freak screamed in horror at the realization.

"Hey Cafei," She called.

"Hm?" The girl turned to look at the older woman, a half formed paper ninja throwing star in her hands.

"Why don't you come over here and wash your clothes," She said, "I'm almost done with mine."

"No thanks." She returned to her lop-sided paper star.

Evelyn's eye twitched. She smiled stiffly.

"Come on. You've been here for over a month and you haven't washed your clothes or bathed at all."

"I have too!" Cafei objected in mild offense.

"Dangling your feet in the rinsing pool doesn't count," Evelyn retorted. "The filth is probably caked on by now."

Cafei glared at her. "Well I don't have extra clothes to change into. These are my only set."

"So sit around in your underwear for a few minutes then."

"Would you sit around in your underwear?" Cafei retorted getting to her feet and staring down the other woman.

"I do it all the time in the wash racks," Evelyn replied mildly.

"Yeah, but it's warm in there."

"You can borrow some of my clothes when they're dry, then."

"Evelyn, there is no way I'd ever fit into those skinny ass jeans of yours. I hate to have to be the one to inform you of this, but you have no ass."

Evelyn gawked resentfully at her. "What?"

"Yous gots no boo-teh." Cafei replied and to annunciate her point, she shook her hips.

In the back of her mind, Sideswipe burst out laughing. Evelyn ignored the rumpus bouts of hysteric giggling, shoving down the indignant rage with as much effort as she could muster.

She took a deep breath and waited for the anger to subside.

"Fine," She said restrained, "Don't wash your clothes or clean yourself. But if you get lice, don't come crying to me. I hope Ratchet quarantines you."

"We're in Space," Cafei reminded her. "There's not a flea or tick or creepy crawly thing for light years around."

Evelyn grumbled incoherently and went back to her laundry.

She can't keep this up for long, Evelyn thought vindictively to herself. There has to be a way to get her to wash her clothes…

'Y'know, for someone who's always mocking and complaining about Sunny obsessing over his finish,' Sideswipe mused, 'You kinda act like—"

Finish that sentence and I'll be asking Wheeljack about those synthesized tomatoes…

Sideswipe remained wisely silent.

Act Two

"…we have three names actually. A first name, middle name, and last name," Cafei was saying to Bluestreak. The gray Mech was seated near the edge of the rinse pool while Cafei sat on the edge, dangling her bare feet into the water; he and Cafei had been having a run on Q&A about pretty much anything and everything regarding Humans, Earth, and Earth/Human culture and Visa versa. Evelyn, still fuming over earlier events, was gently paddling back and forth across the expansive pool. Her mouth was submerged under the water and she breathed through her nose.

Bluestreak tilted his head in confusion down at the human. "Why do you need three names? Isn't one enough? Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Nope," Cafei replied, "Each name kind has a different purpose. I guess. Our first name is our primary name. Like your primary name is Bluestreak. It's what everyone calls you and knows you by, right?"

Bluestreak nodded.

"Yeah. Last names are also called the surnames," Cafei continued. "We get our last names from our Dads. My Dad's last name is the same as mine and my Mom too, but she also has a Maiden name. When she married my Dad, she took his last name."

"So…she has four names?"

Cafei nodded with a laugh. "Yeah, it sounds confusing, I know. But think of a last name like a…label. People with the same last name are generally part of the same family. But not always. You can be related to someone but not share the same name. Like my Aunt and Uncle. We're related but they don't have the same last name as me. Because my Uncle isn't related to me by blood, but my Aunt is. She's my Dad's sister. My Uncle had a different last name so when they got married my Aunt took my Uncle's last name."

"Wait, I'm confused…" Bluestreak said bemusedly, "So…you can be related to someone and share a last name…but also be related to someone who doesn't have the same last name as you…so how do you know who you are and aren't related to?"

Cafei went silent for a moment, seeming to ponder the question.

She shrugged. "You can't always know. Depends on how big your family is I guess. Middle names are kinda just for decoration. No real purpose to them. Most people's middle names are one of their grandparent's names or an estranged relative. Come to think of it, I guess everyone's probably related to each other one way or another. Kinda funky to think you could potentially marry your third cousin twice removed without even knowing it."

She talks as much a Blue, Evelyn thought vehemently.

'Well aren't you just a bundle of happiness and high grade…'

How can she not want to bathe? Evelyn thought as she eyed the girl from a distance. I wouldn't be so surprised about it if she was a guy, but I've never known any sane woman who didn't care about hygiene. Even a little.

'And since when has Cafei ever been considered sane?' Sideswipe added.

Evelyn giggled and bubbles broke the surface of the water, tickling her nose and she lifted her head from the water to itch the annoying sensation away.

Point taken.

'I don't see why you care so much,' Sideswipe said, 'If anything, I'd say she's got more sense not to bathe.'

You're only saying that because you hate water. Hydrophob.

'On the contrary,' Sideswipe replied, 'I like water very much. In fact, I love it. It's only a problem when I can't reach the bottom and the potential for drowning looms over my head on a constant basis. Can we please get out now?'

Nope. Stop worrying already, I'm a good swimmer. We won't drown.

'Not convinced. You Humans are a slagged up species, you know that? You're all paranoid about all the stupid stuff and them completely ignorant of any real danger. I'm surprised you all haven't wiped yourselves out.'

Evelyn huffed irritably and dove under the water, grinning as Sideswipe hastily retreated to the back of her mind.

Hey! You put me through more crap then I can or care to count, so swimming lessons are an item way down at the bottom of the Potential Payback list.

Evelyn broke the surface near the edge of the rinse pool, a stone's throw away from where Bluestreak and Cafei sat, and used one hand to swipe the wet strands of dark hair from her eyes.

And besides, I—

An ear splitting scream startled Evelyn out of her thoughts, sending her panicked heart racing up her throat. She thrashed in the water to turn around and see what was happening. She saw Cafei on her feet looking towards the giant shower stalls, heels brushing the very edge of the pool, and pointing to…something.

It was small compared to a Mech, but was startlingly huge to a human, as high as a very large dog, but much much wider and bulkier. It squatted on four stout legs that sprouted from a low slung body, a long thin tail extending behind it for a good four feet. Its head turned to peer at them, red eyes glowing.

Evelyn's heart skipped a beat at the sight of the strange thing and she gasped.

Holy sh—

Cafei screamed again. "What the hell is that?"

Bluestreak, however, did not seem upset in the least.

"Oh," He said with was sounded like mild surprise, gazing at the creature as it sulked across the floor, "It's a turbo-rat."

Cafei ran over to the young gunner and crouched behind his arm that rested casually on the pools edge, leaving just enough room between Blue and the pool for Cafei to hide.

"A what?!" Cafei asked, peering hesitantly over the top of Bluestreak's arm that acted very nicely as an impromptu shield.

"A turbo-rat," Bluestreak replied, "Wonder how it got on Met…Could have gotten on board when we stopped at Teyonu 8, I guess, but you'd think Red Alert would have caught it or at least seen it. The site rep didn't say anything about a possible infestation. Then again, turbo-rats are good at hiding."

The turbo-rat turned its head to look at Cafei and she squeaked in alarm, scooting back, closer to the edge. She lost her balance and waved her arms fervently to keep from spilling into the pool, but Bluestreak reached out and steadied her.

Evelyn watched the scene unfold and smirked to herself in inspiration.

I got an idea.

'Oh no.'

Bluestreak rumbled-laughed at Cafei. "Don't worry, it's won't hurt you. They're harmless."

"It's a giant metal rat!" Cafei protested. "You can laugh about it! It's tiny compared to you!"

"They're actually pretty friendly," Bluestreak rose from the pool, water dripping plentifully from the various crevasses in his armor, and walked over to the creature. It back up at his approached, but the gray Mech reached out and quickly scooped the little creature up. He turned to show Cafei. "See?"

Mimicking a crocodile with her body completely submerged and only the tip of her head and nose just above water, Evelyn slowly, silently, swam up behind where Cafei stood and reached out of the water for the back of the girl's shorts, grinning mercilessly. Bluestreak noticed her and opened his mouth to say something, but Cafei interrupted.

"If you bring that thing anywhere near me I'm gonna—Aieeeee!"

Evelyn pulled Cafei into the water and both women disappeared from sight by the resulting slash. Evelyn reappeared at the pools edge, giggling and Cafei broke the surface a moment later, gasping and coughing.

"What the hell!" Cafei roared. "You scared the bajezzus outta me! God! What the hell's the matter with you?"

Evelyn laughed. "At least your clothes are clean."

Cafei's face burned red as she glared at Evelyn behind a tangled veil of matted wet hair.

"And I finally got you to take a bath!"

Cafei growled and lunged at the Evelyn, but she pushed off from the pool's edge and swam off, giggling all the way. Cafei's hands clasped empty air and she used the wall to push off after the older woman. She caught up with her after a few strong strokes and reached out to grab Evelyn's hair, but caught her bra clasp instead. Cafei smiled wickedly.

She snapped it open and yanked.

Evelyn screamed in surprise as the garment was pulled away from her. Her hands pulled in to cover herself as her face burned into a deep scarlet. Indignant rage turned her vision red.

Cafei laughed and raised her prize in the air, waving it about teasingly.

"Revenge!" She declared.

"Cafei! Give that back!" Evelyn yelled, lunging at the girl with one arm still covering her chest. Cafei pulled away, back stroking and kicking as fast as she could away from the enraged professor as she waved the dark colored bra in the open air. "I'm warning you!"

"Run Run as fast as you can," Cafei sang, "You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!"

"Cafei! I'm going to kill you!"

Bluestreak stood near the shower stalls, turbo-rat still in hand, gazing into the pool at the two humans with bemusement. The Turbo-rat looked up at Bluestreak and squeaked. Bluestreak looked down at the creature and shrugged.

"I know," He said to the metal rat, "I don't understand them much either."

END