Summary: Captain Ukitake has never let his illness get in the way of his desire to do good in both the world of the living and the dead. But when it comes to love, the story is slightly different. Oneshot on the musings of Jūshirō Ukitake.

A/N:I love Captain Ukitake, not just because he is too cool, but because of the way he approaches life through his illness, if that makes sense. Yes, I admire a manga/anime character, whatcha gonna do?

This has probably been done a thousand times before, but ah well, I needed to write.

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If the Universe had any scars Jūshirō Ukitake could not see them. All he could see was the peaceful stars sparkling serenely away in the deep dark heaven that stretched endlessly above him. It made him feel small, but at the same time it gave him a great sense of peace and happiness to reflect on life under the complex array of divinity above him.

The night was cool and fresh and he took the opportunity to inhale deeply, filling his lacerated lungs with soothing air. He despised his illness, he despised how inhibited him in every sense of the word, how it forced him to be a burden to the very people he was supposed to be leading and protecting.

He sighed as frustration violated his peaceful thoughts and forced him for perhaps the millionth time in his life to contemplate his illness and what it truly meant to him. One day it would claim him and there would be nothing he could do about it. His body could only fight for so long before it gave up under the enormous strain of supporting his disease and then it would die and he would cease to exist in this World anymore.

He had accepted this sometime ago, although acceptance would never stop his defiance. He could feel the infection moving inside him and it made him feel contaminated. Sure, he had accepted this illness as a part of him, but there was no way he would allow something so impure to get the better of him while he still had the strength left to fight it. He had resolved a long time ago that he would not succumb to destiny and play the part of a puppet.

Destiny.

Ukitake had never believed in destiny. It was his firm belief that everyone had the power to shape their own lives. Destiny was for those too weak to change their future and in this life, one could not afford to be weak like that. It would be when people stopped being weak and making excuses that they would find the peace they always seemed to seek.

He traced a stick gently in the dirt beneath him. He liked to just stop and think sometimes. Whenever it became too painful to sleep and his torn lungs irritated him and forced him to cough up blood, he would get up, find a nice spot beneath the clear night sky and think. Much like he was doing right now.

He let himself fall backwards on the dry grass, head resting lightly on hands. There was so much he'd never get to do, to say to people. He would never be able to love someone properly, he would never be able to get married and watch mini Ukitake's destroy flower beds in the Seretai…

He suddenly felt very selfish. He had more than most, he was a Shinigami Captain, and he helped make both the world of the living and the dead safe for all their inhabitants everyday… he had the standard of living that so many in the Rukongai district and the surrounding areas wished for.

But something would always be missing, something he could never have. He would not inflict this illness, this disease on anyone who didn't have to endure it; he would not fall in love with someone only to leave them behind when he finally lost the battle he was fighting so hard. It was inevitable, but just like all the other obstacles life had presented him with, he had accepted it. Perhaps it was destiny.

He almost laughed at how painful the irony was.

"Why do I even bother?"

"Because you are a good person and sometimes, it is just that simple."

Ukitake's words had been a barely audible mutter and he felt his eyebrows rise slightly before relaxing as the familiar presence of Shunsui Kyōraku dropped down lightly next to him. "How long have you been stalking about for?"

Shunsui chuckled softly. "I will have you know that I am far too stylish to stalk anywhere. I like to think my walk flows with a sense of grace and refinement."

"Perhaps…" Ukitake replied slowly. "But that hardly rolls of the tongue does it?"

"Ah Mr Handsome, I could never expect you to understand." Shunsui smiled as he turned to face his old friend. "But we both know that this is slightly irrelevant when compared to the fact that you are sat outside in the middle of night, in the middle of winter, wearing nothing but your uniform… Have you gone mad?."

"I like the stars." Ukitake replied simply.

Shunsui allowed his face to turn serious. "Jūshirō… Why do you do this to yourself?"

Ukitake gave him an incredulous look. "What on Earth do you mean!?"

"I know it's hard for you… but it's hard for us too, to have to watch you go through this… and when I watch you work and fight I know that that is when you are truly who you want to be, I know you are happy when you can make the World better. But when you laugh and people try to get close to you… you hide."

"You're being ridiculous." Ukitake laughed.

"I'm being serious." Shunsui replied. There was a moments silence before he spoke again. "Whatever you do Jūshirō… don't let this illness beat you."

Jūshirō managed a sad, strangled sort of smile. "It's already won Shunsui… it's just a matter of time."

"And as a Captain you should know that time is of the essence and something to be used wisely. You're not going anywhere yet Jūshirō…" He rested a hand gently on his friends shoulder before getting up and stretching. He turned back to Jūshirō, smile firmly back in place as he tossed a blanket that he had been holding securely under one arm to his friend. "And for the love of all things good, put a coat on next time you go out, you scare me half to death when you pull stunts like this."

"I'll consider it so long as you promise never to grass me in to Kiyone and Sentarō."

Shunsui snorted. "Do I look like an idiot to you?"

"In a bid to avoid hurting your feelings, I will leave that question unanswered."

Shunsui smiled as he turned and began to walk away. "Think about what I said, Jūshirō."

Jūshirō smiled to himself as he pulled the thick blanket around him and watched his friends back disappear into the night. He was suddenly aware of how truly cold it was and he wondered if it was perhaps time to entertain the idea of sleep again.

He fell backwards onto the grass, Shinsui's words rolling over in his head. "Time is of the essence…"

Time. Jūshirō reasoned that he more than anyone should understand how precious time was… and yet Shunsui was right. He just seemed to waste too much of it longing for what he felt he couldn't have, the very things he should be grasping to reach and trying to hold on for.

He smiled. When it got too much Shunsui would always be there at exactly the right time to deliver his advice like some kind of strange guardian angel.

He bought his head up and let his gaze reach out across the expansive horizon. The very first signs of dawn were upon the World as the dark night turned pink at the edges and frayed away in the brightness of light.

It was a new day, and with a renewed sense of hope, Jūshirō pulled himself up and began to make his way back home.