Title: The Day Roger Quit Fanfics
Rating: T
Genre: Humor/Parody
Summary: "I'm not doing one more FANFIC!" A humorous look into the horrific possibility of Roger quitting fanfics...forever[Basically a parody libretto making fun of the RENT fandom.

Notes: Gosh, what a weird plot bunny. Ah, no matter. Hope you enjoy it anyway. Written on a whim, like most of my stuff. Oh, and PLEASE REVIEW!

ALSO: THIS FIC IS NOT A DIRECT ATTACK ON ANY PARTICULAR FANFIC/AUTHOR. IT MAKES FUN OF EVERYONE. DON'T BE OFFENDED, THE RENTIES ARE JUST WANTING CANON! THAT'S THE WHOLE IDEA, SO DON'T MISINTERPRET. IT'S BECAUSE THE RENTIES ANGRY (WITH CANON IN MIND) ABOUT OUR FANDOM. IT'S MEANT TO BE FUNNY. HARDY-HAR-HAR, ALRIGHT?

What's Good: I already have a lot of this written. And cookies. Cookies are good.

What's Bad: When a polar bear lumbers up your front walkway, pees on your doormat, rings the doorbell and runs away laughing.

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First we see Roger Davis, carrying his ever-present guitar, striding swiftly into the loft, casually yet pointedly plugging his instrument into a guitar amp nearby.

Because of course, when Roger's frustrated, angry, depressed, angsty, pissed at the entire world and existence in general, hungry, moody, having a bad hair day, PMSing, or otherwise emotionally distressed, he plays his guitar. This is a common knowledge in the RENT fic universe.

Blowing a sad sigh past his lips, Roger plays several chords, quite depressed at the monotony of constant guitar playing. He then pauses, hearing the approach of another fic character.

Mark Cohen, looking slightly flustered, bustles into the room, with his trusty camera cemented in his fingers. The two men glance at each other, engaging in a silent exchange of thoughts and feelings, before Mark sets down his things and unwinds the stripedly-striped scarf from around his neck.

The paler man turns and narrates into the camera.

MARK:
We begin on a cold, angsty night. A Monday... in November, if that matters. My name is Marky and I come from the Shire. This here is my incredibly people-oriented roommate, Roger. We live in this tiny, grimy little shithole in between fanfics. It actually has no real location on the site or anywhere in its database. I'm not allowed to tell you where it is, or the site's proctors will torch it. With us inside. Yeah, ouch. It's not much... but it serves as is our home in-between fanfics... in which we spend most of our time. When we fail to receive so much as a quick potty break, we are most likely involved in said fanfiction. Fanfiction is just as terrible as it sounds... and day after day, night after night, we are subjected to tortures such as cliches, Mary Sues, smut, slash, and other cruel forms of entertainment for extremely bored fanfic writers. Some examples of this...fanfic are too horrible to speak of, as some authors squelch all that we love and know beneath the click-clack of their keyboards. We live in this tiny obscure, middle of nowhere somewhere land... and here we remain. When not taking part in some twisted freak puppet show that some tweenager has dreamed up, waiting for what daunting plot bunnies live ahead..."

There is a solemn air about the somewhere-place, and then, our friend Mark put on an incredibly fake smile. "Say cheese!!!"

MARK:
STUCK IN THIS MULTI-CHAPTERED
VERSION OF HELL
WILL NEVER BREAK FREE
FOREVER SUBJECTED TO
THE AUTHOR'S WHIMS
SEE WHAT THEY'LL COME UP
WITH FOR US THIS TIME!
FIRST CHAPTER: ROGER, DECIDING TO MOVE
TO AFRICA AND LIVE AMONG THE BABOONS!

ROGER:
SHOOT ME NOW.

MARK:
(to Roger) IT'LL BE DONE SOON...
THE STORY'S JUST COME BACK
AFTER TWO MONTHS OF
WRITER'S BLOCK!

ROGER:
THERE'S MONKEY SHIT ALL OVER ME!

MARK:
(shrug) WEAR A SMOCK!
ARE YOU READY?
CHAPTERS FLOWING STEADY
CHAPTER TWO: MONKEYS SMOTHER ROGER!

ROGER:
I'M NOT DOING ONE MORE FIC!

MARK:
(doesn't believe this claim, turns to check the email alert system)
AN UPDATE!

ROGER:
SHYYTTT.

MARK:
CHAPTER THREE:
MY SCARF GETS STUCK UP IN A TREE!

FANFIC AUTHORS:
THAT WAS SUCH A LONG WEEK
LET'S GO AND WRITE SOME MORE FANFICS
MARK, ROGER, ARE YOU THERE?
WANT TO BE IN OUR FICS? IT'S US!
FIRST LET US JUST SAY WE FUCKING LOVE YOU
AND WE'RE SORRY ABOUT ALL THE SLASH FICS
WE'VE ORDERED YOU TWO
PSYCHOTHERAPY...(OUT OF LOVE)
OH AND ROGER, DEAR, BE CAREFUL OF THE MONKEYS
DON'T PROVOKE THEM, HUN, THEY'LL ONLY GET MORE MAD!
OH AND MARK, WE'RE SORRY THAT WE ALWAYS MAKE
YOU HOOK UP WITH RANDOM OCS
WE ARE JUST TRYING TO HELP OUT
AND WE'VE GOT NOWHERE TO BE... (FOR THREE HOURS!)

MARK:
CHAPTER FOUR: MONKEYS CLOBBER ROGER!

ROGER:
(depressed, frustrated, and bruised)
I'M NOT DOING ONE MORE FANFIC!

MARK:
AN UPDATE!

ROGER:
DAMN IT.

MARK:
(sarcastic) OH JOY.

COLLINS:
(enters, looking cheerful yet confused) FIC TIME: ANGEL LIVES!

MARK AND ROGER:
HOW?

COLLINS:
(shrugs) WHO FUCKING CARES?

MARK:
HM... (ponders this)

COLLINS:
(having overheard them) ROGER'S QUITTING FANFICS?!!!

MARK:
(fake despair) OH WOE IS ME!

COLLINS:
(annoyed) GO FUCK AN OC.

MARK:
(scowls, but then continues)
A COLLINSJOANNE FIC HAS JUST BEEN UPDATED!

COLLINS:
I WANT TO BE SEDATED. (exits)

MARK:
DON'T YOU MEAN DETONATED?

BENNY:
(enters) HELLO, HOMIES!

MARK AND ROGER:
(startled by his appearance) BENNY! (drop what they're holding, which is, of course the camera and guitar.) SHIT.

BENNY:
(joyfully) I'M IN A FIC!

MARK AND ROGER:
(shocked) HOLY FUCK.

BENNY:
(extremely happy) A FULL-LENGTH FIC!

MARK:
WHAT AUTHOR?

BENNY:
SOME TAYE DIGGS FAN WITH A DESIRE
TO NOT MAKE ME AN ASS!

MARK:
(looks dubious) AN ASS? YOU?

ROGER:
IT'S NOT SOME SMUTTY SEX FIC?

MARK:
EW, LIKE THAT ONE FIC...

ROGER:
REMEMBER, IN THE M CATEGORY...?

BENNY:
(looks sick) OH, HOW COULD I FORGET...? YOU... ME...
COLLINS, AND MAUREEN (shudders)
HOW IS THE DRAMA QUEEN?

MARK:
IN ANOTHER PREGNANCY FIC.

BENNY:
COULD'VE GUESSED. STILL IN THAT
POST-RENT ROMANCE FIC WITH HER?

MARK:
(shakes head) TWO DAYS AGO IT WAS BUMPED.

BENNY:
(nods understandingly) SOME DIE-HARD MOJO SHIPPER?

MARK:
(nods) YESTERDAY I GOT... JUMPED.

ROGER:
(exclaims) IT WAS FUNNY!

BENNY:
(laughs and nods) THE AUTHOR CHOOSE A NEW FANDOM?

MARK:
(looks embarrassed) WELL...KINDA.

BENNY:
(looks scornful) OH, WHICH ONE?

MARK AND ROGER:
(dismayed) BATMAN.

BENNY:
(laughs) WELL, I'VE GOT A NEW CHAPTER TO DO
IN WHICH I'LL APOLOGIZE FOR BEING A JERK TO YOU
AND LEAVE ALISON TOO.

ROGER:
(plays Musetta's Waltz, as always.)

MARK:
ANOTHER UPDATE!

(There is a brief interlude in which Roger and Mark angst quietly. Then...)

MARK:
HOW DO YOU STAY SANE IN THIS
WHEN MORE AND MORE FANFICS
ARE BORN EACH DAY?
CRACKFICS, SLASHFICS, MARK'S ON SMACK FICS!
AND PIECE-OF-CRAPFICS... TO MY DISMAY!
SHIT!

ROGER:
HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY STAY IN CHARACTER
WHEN SOME TEENAGE GIRL MAKES YOU
SQUEAL AND SQUEE?
WHEN THE FLUFF IS STRANGLING
THE CUTENESS IS MANGLING
YOUR SANITY WITH UNTAMED GLEE?

MARK:
AND WE'RE FORCED INTO SLASH FICS

ROGER:
JUST FOR THEIR FUCKING KICKS!

BOTH:
HOW WE GONNA DEAL... HOW WE GONNA...HEAL?
HOW WE GONNA DEAL... WITH THIS SHIT?!!!!

MARK:
(disgusted) THEY'RE LIKE VANDALS!

ROGER:
HOW DO YOU SURVIVE A SLASH FIC
WHEN YOU AREN'T EVEN GAY
AND YOUR "PARTNER" IS THIS...(points to Mark) PALE ASS JEW?

MARK:
HOW CAN YOU WATCH MAUREEN CHEAT
WEEK AFTER WEEK...

BOTH:
AND GET KNOCKED UP TOO?

MARK:
YOU ENTER HALF OF THESE FICCYS

ROGER:
AND COME OUT WITH HICKEYS.

BOTH:
HOW WE GONNA DEAL... HOW WE GONNA...HEAL?
HOW WE GONNA DEAL... WITH THIS SHIT?!!!!

JOANNE:
OH HEEEY, MAUREEN, IT'S ME, JOANNE!
YOUR BORING ASS LAWYER GIRLFRIEND!
HOWDY, SEXY! ...A NEW FIC?!!!
AW... ANOTHER MARKMAUREEN?
I'M GONNA THROW UP
I'M GONNA THROW UP!
MY FANFIC'S ON DELAY
...NOT WRITER'S BLOCK EXACTLY
THERE IS ONE UPDATE FOR
A COLLINSJOANNE FIC...
... THAT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE ME SICK!

COLLINS:
HOW DO YOU GO FROM BEING GAY
TO LOVING A WOMAN
WHO'S SUPPOSED TO LOVE GIRLS...
AND THE FIC IS... FLUFF?
"ONE BEAUTIFUL SPRING DAY..."
TOO FUCKING CLICHE
AUTHOR'S GETTING CARRIED AWAY... AND
OH! THAT'S... ENOUGH!

MARK:
YOU GET MUGGED?

COLLINS:
(shakes head sadly) I NEED A HUG. (Roger obliges.)

MARK AND ROGER:
HOW WE GONNA DEAL... HOW WE GONNA...HEAL?
HOW WE GONNA DEAL... WITH THIS SHIT?!!!!

BENNY:
ALISON, BABY, YOU SHOULD BE GLAD
I'M FINALLY IN A FIC! AFTER ALL MY WORK
EVER SINCE THE OBC... THE FANGIRLS LEFT ME HURT
THEY NEVER SQUEE FOR ME...
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SUCH A BACK-STABBING JERK?

MARK:
(summarizing a fic) COLLINS ACCIDENTALLY
LIGHTS HIS BEANIE ON FIRE!

JOANNE:
MAUREEN- I DON'T LIKE GUYS!

ROGER:
(also summarizing a fic) MAUREEN BREAKS UP WITH
MARK BECAUSE OF THE SMELL OF HIS... PITS!

JOANNE:
I'VE NEVER LIKED GUYS AT ALL!

MARK:
FROM HUMOR, TO ANGST AND ROMANCE
TO THEM ALL...!

MARK AND ROGER:
WHAT IF WE STOPPED HEEDING THE AUTHOR'S CALL?

MARK:
(picks up phone) Hello? Maureen?
Another Pre-RENT MarkMo fic?
Ok! Alright, I'll go!

ROGER:
(scoffs)

BOTH:
HOW DO YOU LEAVE THE FICS BEHIND
WHEN THE AUTHORS HAVE YOU IN THEIR VICE-LIKE GRIPS?
WHEN YOU WORK FOR HOURS... WHATEVER THEY SAY
AND EVEN TURN GAY... WITHOUT TIPS? SHIT!
HOW CAN YOU CONNECT IN A FIC
WHERE EVERYTHING THAT'S CANON
IS SO TERRIBLY BETRAYED...?
WHAT HOLDS THE DATABASE TOGETHER
WHEN THE MARKROGERS AND THE OTHERS
GO TO WAR EVERYDAY?

BENNY:
(confused) NOW I'M GETTING MOBBED BY SQUIRRELS... ?
(disappointed) THAT I WISH WERE FANGIRLS!

ROGER:
GET YOUR CAMERA AND RUN!

MARK:
(mocks escape) HA, HAVE FUN!

BOTH:
WHEN THEY BREAK OUT THE ABSURD...IN THE FORM OF WORDS!

ROGER:
I AM DONE.

MARK:
YOU ARE DONE...?

ROGER:
I AM DONE... WITH THIS... SHIT! I WON'T BE IN ONE MORE FIC.

MARK AND ROGER:
QUITTING FANFICS! CANNOT DEAL WITH IT!

ROGER:
I WON'T BE IN ANY MORE FICS...
I WON'T BE IN ONE MORE... FIC!!!!!

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GASP, ROGER QUIT FANFICS. XD

Ok, so I'm already written pretty far into this. I'm waiting on responses, because if you all hate it, I'll stop.

Also, if I do continue, I'm doing this thing later, including some die-hard Roger fans in the story that are mourning the loss of Roger from the fandom.

I've already asked a couple people, but I need SIX more:

I need... SIX PEOPLE.

You may tell me through review or whatever if you are a Roger fan that would love to be in it. The first six I get are in.

Otherwise, there shall be labels... Like... Roger Fan Number Five.

Haha. So if you LIKE it, the next one will obviously start with You Okay, Honey?

REVIEWS???!!! PLEASE!